It felt like a punch to the gut the day I realized many of the problems in my marriage stemmed from me—and my own unhappiness.

For years—nearly a decade—I had one foot out the door. I was convinced we wouldn’t last. I had a mental list of all the ways my husband didn’t make me happy, and I leaned on that list anytime I felt uncertain. The conclusion? There was no reason to stay.

Until one day, I had to take radical ownership of my happiness. And that’s when the real chaos started—inside me.

The A-Ha Moment That Changes Everything

Now, 16 years later, I recognize that same moment in the couples I work with. I see it when one partner suddenly gets it—that their personal unhappiness can’t be outsourced or blamed away.

Yes, your partner should contribute to your joy. But no, they are not responsible for creating it from scratch.

Here’s the truth: You are in charge of your own happiness.
And also? You deserve to be with someone who truly sees you and shows up for you.

If they don’t, it’s hard to make a case for staying.

The Real Reason Couples Call for Help

Most couples reach out to me when they feel emotionally disconnected. Usually, the presenting issue is one of the usual suspects: household responsibilities, parenting stress, financial disagreements, or mismatched sex drives.

But beneath those surface-level arguments are much deeper emotional wounds. Painful feelings. Repeating patterns. A sense that their partner just doesn’t get them.

And here’s what I’ve seen, time and time again:

Partners who don’t feel seen, understood, or valued cannot feel emotionally connected.

So, What Do Partners Really Need From Each Other?

One of my favorite thinkers in the couples therapy world, Dr. Sue Johnson, offers a powerful acronym to help partners understand what secure connection looks like.

It’s the question at the heart of every thriving relationship: A.R.E. you there for me?

A – Accessibility

Can your partner reach you throughout the day—emotionally and physically? Do you turn toward each other instead of away? Being accessible fosters trust and builds a secure foundation.

R – Responsiveness

Do you respond to each other’s emotional needs with care? When someone acknowledges and validates our feelings, it soothes our nervous system. It’s not about fixing—it’s about feeling seen.

E – Engagement

Are you fully present when you’re together, or distracted by phones, work, or the kids? True engagement means putting everything else aside to be fully with your partner—even for just a few minutes. Presence matters more than perfection.

The Bottom Line

Emotional connection doesn’t happen by accident. It’s built, moment by moment, with attention, care, and ownership—of both your feelings and your role in the relationship.

You’re allowed to want more.
You’re also responsible for doing the work to get there.