In my work with couples, I often hear both partners say, “We just don’t know how to communicate.” But that’s just code for, “My partner doesn’t hear me.” Not the actual words, but the emotion behind what’s being said. People struggle in their partnership because they stop listening. And with that comes the feeling of being unknown. Invisible.

What an excruciating feeling, isn’t it? Invisible?

So, when couples come in, they assume – and wrongly so – that I will facilitate a conversation to help them “hash things out.” Most of the time, the partners think I will referee for them and tell them what’s right and wrong. Again, nupe. I don’t do that. What I can do – what’s more valuable – is helping teach the partners how to have a rich, meaningful conversation on their own. One that helps them feel seen and known. Not invisible. That two-step process is straightforward on paper, but way harder than you might think. My simple two-step process for feeling understood at a deeper level is something you can do with yourself, too. It’s vital because when your emotions go sideways, the best gift you can give yourself is the gift of self-awareness. That is, ask yourself, “What’s going on here?” That’s wrapped up in Step one.

Here’s the Two-Step Process for Feeling Grounded and Seen

  1. Identify and sit with the hard feeling. Wrapped up in all the words, content, and data coming at you from your partner or your mind is a feeling. The words, content, and data are just information to give you clues to a more profound feeling. There’s something bigger happening besides just the story you’re hearing with your ears, so in this step, we have to listen with our whole heart. What’s really going on here? What’s the more profound feeling? What are these words and this behavior trying to tell me?
  2. Fix the problem. You can fix the issue once you identify, sit with, and reflect on the feelings, nurturing the deeper meaning. The problem with most conversations between partners is that they miss Step One, skipping straight to Step Two, and then feel completely unheard and invisible. Don’t skip Step One. Step one in the process of knowing yourself and your partner is so vital, sometimes there isn’t even a need to go to Step Two. Step one demands that you go with feeling. Step two is where you solve the problem.

So, why aren’t couples solving their problems when they talk to each other?

They are missing Step one, and when they do that, they are missing a vital part of hearing, connecting, and being. Listen, humans are one part emotions and another part content. Everything we do behaviorally is because of the story we have in our head (the content) and our feelings in our body. So, if you want to stop or start, you’re doing that thing or start doing those things, you have to identify the emotions and story that preceded it. Pay attention to the things you say to yourself or the things you say to your partner. Or, if you’re the partner or friend trying to understand where someone else is coming from, pause and listen to the deeper meaning. Ask yourself, “What’s going on here?”

Friends, humans are pretty simple. We just want to be held, felt, loved, and understood. We want to feel like we belong. Use my two-step process to become more self-aware and connect deeper in your relationships.