For most of my life, I considered myself a professional people-pleaser. I didn’t ask for this title but proudly wore it, thinking it made me a “good person.” I worked tirelessly to make everyone happy even if it left me drained and wondering, Why don’t they do as much for me as I do for them? They must not like me.

Turns out, my self-worth was tied to how much I could get people to like and appreciate me. Yikes!

It wasn’t until I stumbled into attachment theory that I realized my people-pleasing wasn’t a virtue; it was a survival strategy. As someone with an anxious attachment style, I learned that my fear of rejection drove me to prioritize others’ needs over my own. It wasn’t their fault—they weren’t demanding this of me – but it was my way of trying to maintain a connection. And it was exhausting.

That realization changed everything. Suddenly, the confusing patterns in my relationships started making sense. Why did I cling to people who weren’t emotionally available? Why did I over-apologize or try to “fix” others’ moods? Why did I feel like I was never enough, no matter how much love I gave?

The answer wasn’t in trying harder to please but in uncovering the root of my behaviors: my attachment style.

What’s Your Attachment Style?

Your attachment style is like the operating system running in the background of your mind, shaping how you connect with others. It develops in childhood based on the security (or lack thereof) we feel with our caregivers and stays with us into adulthood, influencing how we present ourselves in relationships.

There are four main styles:

  • Secure: You feel comfortable giving and receiving love and trust that relationships are safe.
  • Anxious: You crave closeness but fear rejection, often worrying about being “too much” for others.
  • Avoidant: You prioritize independence and struggle with emotional intimacy, fearing it might trap you.
  • Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized): You want connection but fear it at the same time, often due to unresolved trauma.

Take the Quiz (Because Awareness is Step One!)

I created an Attachment Quiz to help people identify their attachment style and start their journey toward healthier relationships. (Trust me, knowing this about yourself is a game-changer.)

When I first took an attachment quiz, I wasn’t surprised to land squarely in the “anxious” category, but seeing it in black and white was eye-opening. Suddenly, I had language for my experiences and behaviors, and most importantly, a starting point for change.

What Your Attachment Style Results Mean

If you’re:

  • Anxious: It’s time to learn how to self-soothe and build internal security. The goal isn’t to stop loving others but to stop abandoning yourself.
  • Avoidant: Connection is not your enemy – it’s the thing that will set you free. Small steps toward vulnerability can go a long way.
  • Fearful-Avoidant: Safety is key. Healing often involves addressing underlying trauma and building trust with yourself.
  • Secure: Bravo! But no one is perfect – explore how you can support others in their journeys to secure attachment.

How Understanding Attachment Leads to Change

Attachment isn’t destiny; it’s a roadmap. Once I understood mine, I began rewiring my internal “operating system.” I practiced the tools I now teach my clients, like my CALM and TEA methods, to reflect on my thoughts, emotions, and actions. I learned to ask myself, “What do I need in this moment?” and to trust that I could meet that need, even if no one else could.

The more I worked on my attachment, the less desperate I felt for external validation. I stopped contorting myself into the person I thought others wanted and started showing up as me. Guess what? The right people stuck around.

Take the Quiz and Start Your Journey

I’d love for you to take the Attachment Quiz and see where you land. I don’t want you to think there’s anything “wrong” with you; I want you to realize that self-awareness is the first step toward self-love and connection.

Your attachment style isn’t a life sentence—it’s a story waiting to be rewritten. And let me tell you, the ending gets so much better.