photo credit: visibleducts

Do you have tasks you want to accomplish or dreams you want to pursue, but seem to always have something standing in your way?

100% of all clients that step into my office come for one of only two reasons:

1. They’re doing something they don’t want to do (or want to do something they aren’t doing), and
2. They feel something they don’t want to feel, like anxiety, depression, loneliness, sadness, guilt, fatigue, or fear.

Anxiety is biggie.  That heart-racing, skin-sweating, heavy-breathing, I’m going to die feeling overtakes some people so fast, that the fear of having an anxiety attack can begin to be even more of a fear than the actual anxiety attack itself.

There are four types of destructive, anxiety-prone personalities listed in Luciani‘s book, Self-Coaching that are worth knowing:

• Worrywarts This is the what-iffing personality.  What if I lose my job?  What if my children don’t love me?  What if I have a wreck while I’m driving?  For the worrywart, losing control is at the forefront of their thoughts.
• Hedgehogs  This personality keeps people at arms length by spewing their general distaste about the world around them.  They can change on a dime from sweet and innocent to loathing, defensive, corrosive and bitter.  What this personality uses as a protective measure of the world around them is seen by others as negative, passive-aggressive, and generally unpleasant.  And, while the hedgehog is busy protecting itself with its porcupine needles, his personal life swirls down the toilet, leaving the hedgehog feeling even more depressed, anxious and untrusting.
• Turtles  Having the tendency to avoid confrontation, isolate, and struggle in social situations, this personality retreats from life when they begin to feel powerless in some aspect of their life.  You can recognize retreating turtle personalities in someone who overindulges in just about anything:  TV, drugs, sleeping, work, etc.
• Chameleons  This personality changes his behavior so as to manipulate the situation to make him more in control.  This type may be seen as the bully or someone who you deem as fake.  They utilize chameleon-like personality to change how others perceive them based on the situation.  In other words, they’re never the same person in any situation. 

All of these personality types create a life of anxiety and depression because the social and personal lives become lonely places.  They don’t keep friends easily.  When there is an intense need for control, yet feelings of powerlessness, they lash out at loved ones and keep at an arms length from them.  Left feeling empty, alone, lonely, isolated, and unloved, feelings of depression and anxiety takeover.

The anxious person acts out as a means to control their environment trying to decrease their anxiety.  But this only works to INCREASE anxiety, and sabotage personal relationships in the process.

When we can finally identify what we feel, as well as the actions we take to act out that feeling, the next step is to simply use the TEA Formula to start changing.  That is, get down to the nitty-gritty of what’s driving those unwanted emotions and actions.  Here’s how:

Step 1:  Ask yourself: What am I doing that is destructive?   Overindulging in food, sleep, sex, gambling, or TV?  Isolating myself, fighting with my spouse, yelling at my kids, and working too much, are a few examples.

Step 2:  Ask yourself: How am I feeling?  Usually summed up in one word:  lonely, sad, alone, guilty, depressed, anxious, ugly, anger, etc.

Step 3:  Ask yourself: What is the immediate thought, perception, judgment or opinion that preceded this feeling?  This is easily answered by knowing what your reaction is to something in your environment.  I don’t like how my husband talked to me, and it makes me feel angry.  My boss nit-picks my work and it makes me feel disrespected.  I have no time to myself because of all the roles I play during the day, and that makes me feel depressed.

– Side note about it makes me feel:  Remember, your thoughts are what make you feel what you feel, not the outside world.   But we often say this statement without being conscious.   Notice when you say this though, because you can identify what you feel pretty quickly. 

– The thoughts that immediately precede the feeling in the above statements are, I don’t like how my husband talked to me, My boss nit-picks my work, I have no time to myself.  Those statements, your thoughts and perceptions about OTHER THINGS that are out of your control,  are what create your emotions.  Now, your task is to simply change your perception, or thought, about that preceding event.

When you can get to your root thought sometimes that means becoming aware of your subconscious thought (making the subconscious, conscious).  Then you simply ask yourself: Is this a thought that is serving me well?

If you are feeling something you don’t want to feel or doing something you don’t want to do, like anxiety, then you can rest assured, the thought that got you to those feelings and actions could be tweaked a bit so you get a different feeling and action.

photo credit: Fiona MacGinty

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Smabs Sputzer

The media these days has sure created a whole lot of hype about “mindset”.   So I’m officially giving my two cents of what mindset development is, and how you can actually change it. You can because there really is a psychology to mindset. Wouldn’t you like to know what it is?

Just do a search in your favorite Web browser for the word “Mindset.” You’ll get thousands of searches, but you’ll also be hard-pressed to find one source online that understands how mindset works. Some might, sure. But with so many gurus and experts claiming to be able to help you evolve just by changing one (not so) teeny thing, wouldn’t it be useful to know the truth?   That is, the truth about the psychology BEHIND the curtain of mindset.

I think so too! So here it is. Mindset is really just about mind-shift. It’s about the way you see the world. Think of mindset as the pair of lenses you choose to look through at the world. You can wear rosy or gray.

The truth is, your consistent thoughts only add to the positive, or negative, outlook of your life. This is what they mean by “self-fulfilling prophecy.”  Those media gurus and I agree that you must change your mindset to have the happiness you want.    

But it is NOT ENOUGH for me to tell you to simply “change your mindset” and wait for the magic happen.

That’s like me saying, “I’ll drop a little fairy dust on your head, and your mind will instantly be cleared of all the goo.” Sorry, mindset change doesn’t work that way. No wonder so many frustrated humans are scurrying about in our society, looking for the NEXT guru that can answer, “How can you make me happy?”

Wait no more. I can answer that question. The truth about mindset change is that it’s so easy, you might wonder if fairy dust is involved. And you might wonder why you spent thousands of hours paying someone to help you be happy when I’m giving it to you for free. (You’re welcome!) 

I’m going to describe something I call the “Mind Tree.” Draw this out on a piece of paper as I explain it so it makes more sense. 

The trunk of your tree is a simple formula: thoughts create emotions; emotions create actions. Then two main branches spawn from thoughts: conscious and subconscious. Those are the two types of thoughts–the first you can easily tap into and are aware of and the second you can’t easily access. These subconscious thoughts lurk in the background of your mind. 

Your habitual thoughts are your mindset. These are the thoughts you have to change if you want to change your mindset. But here’s the kicker: Your conscious thoughts make up only about 15% of your total thoughts, maybe less! Your subconscious thoughts make up the other 85%. Draw this on your mindset tree. Let it sink in. That means in order to change your mindset, you have to tap into those thoughts you don’t even know you’re thinking. Bad news, right? 

Well, not so fast. You can change your subconscious programming. There are so many ways, and that’s where a GOOD guru comes in! From my pre-frontal cortex to yours (that’s where your conscious thoughts are stored), here are just a few to get you started:

1. Identify which subconscious thoughts are no longer serving you well. They may sound something like this: “I am never good enough. Money doesn’t grow on trees and doesn’t come easy. Hard work is the only work that pays, etc.” You can see how just one subconscious thought can create a whole heap of trouble, can’t you? 

2. Choose to change.  Oh, yes, you know I had to say it. CHOOSE to change! The reality is, most people figure out what subconscious thoughts are actually holding them back but then won’t do anything about it. Making the decision to take action is a very big step. And it’s vital. 

(The reasons for not taking action are a whole therapy session in itself, so we’ll save that for another time!)

3. Implement tools. Create new habitual thoughts, affirm what is truth, post sticky notes all over your house and in your car, use EFT, journal ad nauseum, use a “change buddy” for motivation, have lucid dreams, talk about your change efforts until you are sick, and keep moving in THAT direction, not the OTHER direction.

You have so many ways to change your negative subconscious programming. One popular phrase is “Just Do It!” But what happens when “Just Do It” doesn’t work? 

No, it’s not a matter of willpower or strength. And it’s not an issue of character. It’s about stick-to-itiveness, practice, and consistent follow-through. 

Yes, there is a psychology to mindset. Can you call it a day just by knowing that? No, but once you face those negative subconscious thoughts, you can shout from the rooftop “JOB DONE!”

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: booleansplit

Now, before you read any further I want to make one thing clear. I in no way endorse or believe that anyone should buy time with a prostitute, regardless of price. But the 2008 scandal involving former New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer, and a high-priced prostitute reminds me that my endorsement is not needed for these trysts to occur. In fact, Spitzer’s case is only one of many that involve high-profile individuals and prostitutes. Remember Hugh Grant’s indiscretion during his relationship with Elizabeth Hurley?

I think most people are totally dumbfounded when famous people are caught in unethical (to say the least) actions such as spending crazy amounts of money on prostitutes. After all, why would someone who seemingly has it all: a family, a loving partner, an influential career, and public respect, risk all these blessings for something superficial and sleazy? Is it all about the sex or does a prostitute really make their lives better?

Well, the answer may surprise you. Rationally, the answer is, of course, no. Regardless of the temptation, someone who is mentally healthy does not need to pay someone to have sex with them. Why? Well, since they understand that their worth is inherent and they have the tools to handle their emotions and thoughts, they are generally able to make good decisions. But when someone has low levels of self-worth, they usually look outside themselves to find worth. They may reason that they aren’t good enough on the inside but they can be good enough on the outside! For someone in this situation, a high dollar prostitute may be the current “thing” that makes them feel worthy.

To go a little deeper, let’s look at current research from Caltech and Stanford. Through a study that posed the question, “Does a wine taste better just because it’s more expensive?” researchers were able to prove that people’s beliefs dictate value. So, for instance, a person is more likely to enjoy a $10 dessert versus a $5 dessert simply because they figure that price accurately determines value. So, it’s natural for someone to think that an experience with a $5,000 prostitute will be much better than an experience with a $500 or $1,000 prostitute. In other words, they value the $5,000 prostitute much more simply because they believe that person or experience is more valuable.

So it stands to reason that someone who employs an expensive hooker gets more personal value from doing so. After all, they believe that they got the best of the best.

I know that most of us shake our heads in disbelief when stories such as these break. That’s a normal reaction. But before we collectively balk at someone hiring a prostitute just to pump up feelings of self-worth, let’s look at the larger picture. The reality is that most of us use things or people or jobs to make us feel more valuable, more exclusive. Otherwise why would our society be so obsessed with gigantic houses, expensive cars, bigger pay checks, luxury vacations? The answer: all these things can provide an ego boost. They make us feel better than. And when we allow outside things or situations to define who we are, we are in trouble because our feelings of self-worth are only genuine and lasting if they come from within.

I don’t want to see another public person caught in destructive behaviour like Spitzer was. But I have a feeling that similar cases are waiting in the background. I’ll still cringe but I’ll also take a second to evaluate my own destructive habits. I’ll take someone else’s mistake and will use it as a mirror to reveal my own misguided attempts to use external sources as proof of self-worth.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

What we know about our belief system – also called thoughts, habits or conceptual framework – remains pretty solid in the field of psychology. The terms may differ but the concept behind them is the same.

Just in case, though, let’s recap exactly how a belief system works

• Whatever we practice becomes a habit (or belief).
• Habits (Beliefs) are rooted in our subconscious, where they function without our awareness or our permission.
• Since habits (beliefs) are alive, they will, like anything living, fight to stay alive.
• We have learned to feel certain ways, out of habit (belief).

It may not seem fair, but what was created as habit years and years ago, still remains within the psyche today. Insisting on dessert after every meal, running late to work most days, drinking coffee in the morning, sitting in traffic on the expressway on the way to work (instead of taking the train), fighting with the spouse about money, feeling sad during the holidays – all habits! I could go on and on.

Habits are at work in all of us right now, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. And because habits are so cunning and commanding, they get in the way of any positive life developments that are being made.

Three Outs

Our backs get up when new information conflicts with our old habits. We tend to opt for “outs” so we don’t have to embrace the new idea. Earnie Larsen, in his book, Stage II Recovery, explains three ways we use our “outs” to our detriment.

As a Psychotherapist and Life Coach, these “outs” are rampant in the consulting room and it is the number one reason that clients quit. “Quit” is such a harsh word to use, however, only 10% of those who begin therapy actually end therapy because they feel they’ve received what they needed so ending was a natural (and desired) transition. Instead, they QUIT because they just aren’t able to fit the new information into their old way of thinking and believing.

Often, what is seen is the person who has gone to therapist after therapist or coach after coach, was searching for one who believed what he did. In other words, if a client hears somethign from Therapist X that they don’t like (it doesn’t fit into their current belief system), they’ll move along to Therapist Y. When the going gets rough there, and they hear somethign that again doesn’t fit their current way of thinking (their current belief system), they’ll move on to Therapist Z.

Along the way, the client who can’t seem to fit the new information into their old way of thinking will use Out#1 by discrediting the new information given to them, Out #2 by discrediting the person who told them the new information and, finally, Out #3 when they say, “I’m out of here. This is quackery!” They move on to yet another new therapist or coach. And, probably, the cycle continues to repeat.

Change or Die

Embracing the idea that whatever we do over and over and over again, ad-nauseum, becomes habit, will make us aware that every single thing we do, say and feel is, in fact, a habit! Even this idea may be a new one for you, but don’t “out” it yet…

The reality is, if someone has been depressed for a very long time, the depression is now a habit – it’s engrained in the belief system. If we haven’t slept in the same bed with our spouse in 5 years, the behavior is now a habit – it’s just part of the pattern and life that is now engrained. When our physician tells us we now have high cholesterol and high blood pressure, and we still don’t start to work out or change our eating habits, it is because of what is engrained in us. These are our habits. These are our beliefs.

And, of course, we can use the excuse, “This is the way I am and I can’t change.” Not so! This is merely removing yourself from the source of the conflicting information (Out #3) by being in denial of a new (and challenging) reality.

Old habits die hard, but they simply must die if any real change is going to occur. The power of persuasion is huge and there is a constant battle between what WAS and what WILL BE. In the middle is habit.

As Alan Deutschman remind us in Change or Die, we are more likely to die than to change. But if we are to be one of those 10% who really WILL change, we must embrace, know and believe, no matter what, that the three ‘outs’ given above are real and true.

(This article is Part 1 of a 2 part series. Read more about Alan Deutschman’s “Change or Die” concept in next week’s article.)

Your Assignment this Week:

Think about the information in the above article. Be honest with yourself (Naked Truth!) and list some of your habits. Now, which of those habits would you like to change because they bring about negatives in your life? Think on THOSE habits this week – hold onto the list – then read next week’s Part 2 to find out how to change.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Each time I mention positive affirmation to my clients, my mind goes through the “Stuart Smalley” Saturday Night Live spoof. You know the one. Where Stuart (a.k.a., Al Franken) looks in a full-length mirror and proclaims, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”

And at the same time, I can see the look on my client’s faces, saying, “Seriously? That never works!”

Some clients have even recited the phrase to me in a mocking way.

OK, OK, I get it. Positive affirmations have gotten a bad wrap. (It’s gotten me one too!)

But there are times when we need SOMETHING to turn our negative ship around. When we have nothing else to grasp … except a positive phrase. One of those situations when you have to laugh just so you don’t break down in tears.

I had one such situation last night: my third night alone with twin toddlers while my husband was away on business. Lily had a painful ear infection that kept her in a constant state of crankiness and neediness. Ayla had a cold that had her coughing all night, unable to sleep. Any parent knows, it ain’t easy catering to a toddler’s every need, let alone when there are two of them and they whine for hours on end!

At 5 a.m., Lily stood up by her bed yelling, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”

Of course, this woke up her sister. So I had to rush in there, only to find Lily’s temperature shot up to 101 degrees and all she wanted is, well, her mommy.

Instead of bringing Lily to my bed, which never works out well, I settled down in her toddler bed to hold her until she calmed down. My legs were hunched up, my backside was freezing as it hung off the other side of the bed so as not to disrupt the comfort level of Lily, her baby doll, and her teddy bears.

While lying there, exhausted and ready to break into tears, I instead chose to use positive affirmations.

Yes, I use positive affirmations a lot. As I said, I think positive affirmations have gotten a bad wrap. When done properly, they CAN work. But many of us have been taught the Stuart Smalley rendition and just feel downright corny doing them.

So, instead of going the SNL route, here are my steps for saying positive affirmations that REALLY work:

1. Develop a positive mindset. In other words, make the choice to turn to the positive rather than the negative. Making this decision comes from the power you have in making your own choices. You always have the option to think negatively, but choose to think positively if you want to change your circumstances and feelings. Just remember me with Lily, when I decided not to cry or even think about the word “tired.”

2. Understand what a positive affirmation is, and what it isn’t. Positive self-talk is made up of short affirmations to yourself that help tell your subconscious mind what you really want to be thinking–instead of those negative thoughts it’s already got going. You are replacing negative words and thoughts with positive ones while telling your subconscious mind how you want it to behave.

It’s essential that your underlying messages about yourself and your worldview be positive in order to produce a positive outcome because your subconscious thoughts are at work even when you aren’t aware they are.

3. Know your feelings to gauge what you’re really thinking. Many of us will say, “I don’t think I have negative thoughts,” or “I don’t really even know what I’m thinking.” The reality is, you have about 60,000 thoughts per day, and 85% of those are subconscious. That means that you may not even be aware that a negative thought is working behind the scenes. They affect every action you take, I might add!

One great way to know there is a negative thought at play is to assess how you feel. I felt tired and drained with Lily at 5 in the morning. I heard myself say, “Not again! I can’t take this … I just need to get some sleep.” But I very quickly realized THAT thinking was going to get me nowhere fast and I needed to be in a better state to care for my daughter. My feelings told me I had better change my thoughts, and quick!

4. Be careful what you ask for. Let’s say you want to lose weight. So your standard self-talk is, “I want to lose weight. I want to be thin. I want to be healthy.” Sounds good, right? Except you’re just activating the “wanting” part of losing weight.

See, I believe our mind and the universe take a literal translation of what we say. In essence, when you say you want to lose weight but you aren’t, in fact, losing weight, you could you actually be experiencing “want to lose” as opposed to weight loss? That IS what you’re asking for after all.

5. Choose the words that will counterbalance your negative feelings. The idea with positive affirmations is to slowly but surely chip away at the negative messages in your subconscious. The messages like “I’m not good enough” and “People are going to think I’m weird” and “I don’t have what it takes to _____.”

If you FEEL negative, then you realize there’s a negative thought creating that emotion. Even if you can’t pinpoint that exact thought, you need to start your positive self-talk anyway. My self-talk with Lily went like this: I am healthy, happy, well, and full of gratitude. Repeating those words in my head over and over, I chose those words for me (but also for my daughter, hoping the positive energy would rub off on her). I chose the word “grateful” because I want to be reminded of how grateful I am to have my daughters, even when they are sick and crying.

6. Be consistent. Most experts say the first step is to become aware of what your negative thought is and then counter that with a positive thought immediately. Yes, that works and is a great practice. However, for every negative thought you become aware of, you can rest assured that the subconscious thoughts you aren’t aware of are in ABUNDANCE! Remember, you aren’t aware of 85% of your 60,000 thoughts per day.

So you have to work to counter the thoughts that are conscious AND subconscious. That is to say, you have to say affirmations again and again and again, all day, every day, to change that heavily engrained subconscious thought. And by “again and again,” I mean hundreds of times. I even tell my clients, “How about saying that 400 to 500 times a day.” They laugh every time. When I reply, “I’m totally serious!” they then say, “I will try.” Well, that’s all I ask.

But keep in mind (literally and figuratively!) there’s lots of work to get done here, and practice does change habits.

As any good 12-step program teaches, “It works if you work it, it doesn’t if you don’t.” Although you may feel downright foolish repeating your positive affirmation, decide which is greater: the negative feeling that is making you behave in ways you don’t like, or the silly feeling you get from repeating positive affirmations over and over?

 

Items for discussion:

• What do you think about positive affirmations?
  
• Do you use them, and if so, how?
  
• What do you think about using your positive affirmations 500 times per day?  Can you see why that is so important?
  
• How will you now start to use your positive affirmations to benefit you more?

photo credit: zachstern

Do you Twitter? If not, you should try. It’s such a fun place to chat with people. The other day while I was Twittering, for instance, I was talking with my fellow followers (Twitter some to know what I’m talking about) about change, and I asked them what they wanted to know about the subject. 

Here’s what they asked: 

1.  Does change have to take years, or can it take an instant? 
2.  What is the best way to focus on change you want and make it happen? 
3.  What do you suggest when people feel stuck?

Twittering is like mini-blogging except you can only write 140 characters at a time (unlike my posts here!). I love that word limit because, as I’ve recently decided, if you can’t say something in 140 characters, maybe you shouldn’t say it at all! 

Well … except that a word limit is not all too practical in the “real world”–or when you want to give a good answer to complicated questions. So as for those questions from my Twittering friends, here are the “full” answers: 

1.  Change can happen in an instant, if you consider “change” the exact moment you make the CHOICE to make things different. In the moment of that decision, you have surely changed. But sticking with that decision takes practices and perseverance. And perhaps that’s where people run into problems: People don’t take responsibility for their own choice to change and for the effort it takes to follow through. They instead rely on other people and things to deliver that change for them. 

 

2.  The best way to focus on change and make it happen is to concentrate on what you THINK, including your subconscious thoughts. This is an absolute MUST. After you make the choice to change, you are responsible for getting familiar with what’s going on in that head of yours. You can’t change without changing those conscious and subconscious thoughts, so you have to become intimately aware of what those thoughts are. 

 

3.  When people feel stuck, I suggest a tactic that’s not easy: STOP thinking. (Kind of goes against what I said in No. 2, right?) Yet when we get stuck, one of our natural inclinations to get out is to think our way out. We search for answers and inspiration on the Web, from acquaintances, out of books, on TV. The real answers and inspiration, though, are WITHIN. Find them by writing in a journal, meditating, taking a walk or a hot bath, stretching, or–my favorite!–taking a cat nap.

 

 

photo credit: stuartpilbrow

If you read my post last week, you’ll know all about changing your subconscious thoughts. It’s a matter simply of changing what you habitually think and do, and to do so, you have to be aware of what you’re thinking and doing. The formula for success is: Thoughts create emotions, emotions create actions. 

A client told me recently, “Sometimes I just can’t be aware of what I’m thinking and feeling.  It’s just not the best time.  I mean, I can’t just have a breakdown right then and there.”  She was right! 

Sometimes there will be times when it’s just not possible to let the emotion out. Let’s get real with an example. Let’s say you’re are work with your boss, talking about your next big project. All the while, your mind is focusing on an argument you had with your spouse that morning. You feel edgy, irritable, sad. 

During a moment like this, it is perfectly OK to shelve your emotions in your back pocket. 

But you want to hear some good news before the bad news? Most of us are already excellent at this shelving. The bad news? Most of us forget to pull out and examine those emotions later. Instead, we keep them stuffed away, where the emotions stew, grow, and soon take on a life of their own. 

Let’s keep going with our example above … after work, you’re home with the kids, who are wired out of their minds and not paying you any attention. You feel edgy and can’t figure out why you snap at them. You manage to hold off and not completely lose it on your children–by stuffing your emotions in your back pocket again. 

After you put the kids to bed, you’re finally alone. You uncork a bottle of wine, sprawl on your couch, and have a glass … and then another. You’re isolating yourself, drowning yourself, wishing the day away. 

You can repeat this pattern, day in and day out, until one day you explode! You have a panic attack at work. Or you sleep all day. Or you go on a shopping spree. Or you have a blowup with your husband. Pick your poison, but in any case, your emotions are speaking loudly, leading you to actions that are way over the top. 

“I don’t even know where that came from,” you say after you come down off your emotional high. 

Oh, really? I know. 

Your emotions burst out of your back pocket. Remember those emotions? The ones you kept stuffing there over and over until it was impossible to stuff any more? 

The secret to stopping this vicious cycle is to recognize the MANY signs of distress that appear before that big physical explosion. Then address that distress. 

How? Revisit your emotions regularly. At the end of the day, take the time to empty your back pocket, so to speak. Recall what got you worked up during the day and talk about it, journal about it, meditate on it–in other words, deal with it. Do whatever it takes, but clear those emotions out of your pocket. 

You have to be conscious of your emotions and what’s taking up space in your mind to be able to do this. It can only be done when you make that definite choice to think and act differently, to drive down that new road.

As all of you know who read my previous post on changing those subconscious, habitual thoughts, you have to get out of your comfort zone to do so. You have to become more conscious of your thoughts, and choose to travel a different path, a path of change.

If you haven’t read that post, do so now, because here we’re going to get into Part 2: exactly how to change your habitual, subconscious thoughts.

Now about that old road you’ve been riding … remember how you got started on it? Imagine yourself again on a road trip from Point A to Point B with nothing in between but a wide-open grassy pasture, but this time you’re going to change your route …

On Day 1, you begin your trip on that same worn trail. You know you’ll get stuck on this road, but you can’t seem but to take it again. You feel too nervous, unsettled, and unsure to take any new road.

On Day 2, you’re still going the same way, that seemingly straight shot between Point A and Point B. The anxiety, depression, and fear build in you because you know you’re going to get stuck again.

By Day 60, you’ve gotten stuck in a rut three times already this week. That’s it! You’ve had it. You are paving a new path today, no doubt! At first, it doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, but a little voice in your head reassures you. It is right. After all, you’re so tired of getting stuck time and again.

Your new path is obvious to you. Sure, your old road was comfortable and rooted deep in your daily habits, and you miss the familiar scenery on that straight shot from Point A to Point B. Meanwhile, your new road is so unfamiliar.

But by Day 270, six months in, you’ve finally formed a grove in your new path. You look over at your old road, and there’s grass overgrowing it. Now, every day is easier than the last. You are so excited that you stuck with this new route. It’s paid off. No more anxiety, worry, and fear for you.

On Day 365, one year in, your new road is worn, deeply grooved, yet it feels strong as you continue on your trip from Point A to Point B. This new road gives you more confidence and a feeling of security that comes with knowing you won’t get stuck like on that old road. Best of all, you feel a new comfort zone on your new road. It’s become a habit, second nature.

Changing the way you think would happen just like this. I tell my clients who see me weekly or bi-weekly that working on change for a mere 50 minutes is NOT ENOUGH. It is not enough to work when they see me, then take the rest of the week off.

It’s not hard to change our thoughts, but it does take perseverance. It means getting out of your comfort zone, no matter how bad that feels at first, and staying out of that comfort zone for good … until you find a new, better comfort zone. 

Here’s to getting out of your comfort zone and into a new groove. CHANGE is here!

 

With almost every client, I use the concept of the three legs of change. I explain that the ultimate goal is to change thoughts, even the subconscious ones that you don’t know you have. And with almost every client, the question that invariably comes up is, “How do I do that?!”

For one of my clients today, I had this answer:

Imagine a green pasture–vast, open, empty. You have a goal: to get across the pasture from Point A to Point B. Say, from one house to another. The only means of travel at your disposal is to drive. 

On Day 1, you start your drive, straight through the pasture. You drive across the tall green grass because there is no road to speak of. It feels awkward but you keep driving. 

On Day 2, still no road, still that awkward feeling, and yet you keep driving straight from Point A to Point B. 

By Day 10, your path seems to be wearing for you. The grass is now flattened. You continue driving straight ahead. 

On Day 30, you notice that your path is even more obvious. Not only is the grass flattened for you, it’s even dead in some places. 

At the end of Day 270 (six months since you started), you now drive on a grove through the pasture. In some spots, it’s deep enough to become a trough, which gets muddy and dangerous when it rains. 

By the end of Year 1 (Day 365), your clear shot, straight path from Point A to Point B, has become a deep, worn grove that’s become more and more dangerous on rainy days. It’s become so treacherous that you’ve gotten stuck several times. You get assistance to get pulled out, and each time you’re told that you might want to find a new road to travel. And each time, you feel anxious, frustrated, and annoyed. You blame yourself: Why do you keep traveling down this road and getting stuck? Why do you continue to lean on others to bail you out. 

But when you look around, you don’t see any other way to go from Point A to Point B. And besides, this path has become easy for you. You can travel on it without thinking practically at all. The only time you have to bother to look up is when you get stuck on rainy days.

Your subconscious mind works much like this road. It has its own deep groves that lead you on your way successfully most of the time, but it also has those deeper troughs that can spell trouble when you least expect it. When you fall into these dark and ugly traps, you fall into the same pattern: you kick yourself but you can’t see any way out and continue along the same road, over and over. 

It’s like that famous saying, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve already got.” 

Change is easier said than done, right? 

There is an answer, though. Become aware of your road and build another. It won’t be easy. It’s a long, arduous process, and you’ll be tempted to head back down that old familiar path. Those old groves will call out, seem to be the surest shot from Point A to Point B. 

But if you want to change your subconscious thoughts, you have to stick to that new path. It’s simple enough. Just not easy.

photo credit: ΗǼЯӨŁĐ PHOTOGЯAPHX

Going through life a little more unconscious wouldn’t be as bad as it sounds. I’m not talking about walking through life like a zombie or a sleepwalker. Please don’t take me literally!

What I mean is allowing the wisdom of your unconscious mind, where intuition can be found, to come through a little bit more. It’s only natural. Your brain is designed to help you make assumptions. After all, where do those assumptions come from? Your unconscious mind provides them. Did you actually think many of your assumptions come from conscious thoughts based on empirical evidence in front of you, the supposed “real world”? Nope.

Your brain is hardwired to allow your intuition to come through. So let it. Noted expert Gerd Gigerenzer wrote a book called “Gut Feelings: The Intelligence of the Unconscious” in which he provides three ways to get in touch with your unconscious mind and thus your intuition, rather than “thinking” our way through problems and difficulties.

Step 1: Let your emotions take over. Your unconscious mind has a way of picking up on what’s best for you. So let it. When it comes to making tough choices, let your unconscious mind detect the right path and go with what “feels right.”

Step 2: Trust your instincts. Allow yourself to hone in on choices and paths that resonate with you, the ones that seem clearer to you, especially when you confront forks in the road with several difference paths to choose from. Narrow down on those choices. Then feel the pull of the ultimate path. Simply put, that means picking the path that you feel most comfortable with. Say you’re on the job market and have two offers. They both basically pay the same, offer similar benefits … but one has a definite attraction to it. Go with it!

Step 3: Use common sense. Ever walked into a situation that makes you feel unnerved? Met someone who is setting off your “spidey sense” and you feel the need to be cautious around them? Follow that sixth sense. It’s your unconscious mind telling you something, not you being “judgmental” and “unfair.” It could be as simple a matter as someone you just met asking you a whole bunch of personal questions. If you get a weird sense about him, don’t answer all of his questions. Or it could be some situation as dangerous as walking alone down a dark street when two men begin walking at you quickly. In that case you want to listen to your unconscious mind if it tells you to speed up, get away from them, find a crowded street or store, etc. Of course, this doesn’t mean that the unconscious mind will come to your rescue in every situation like that. And you might automatically know (from your mom teaching you well) to be careful on a dark street. But it does go to show–if you feel your unconscious mind tingling, listen up.