In my last post on “How People Change,” I talked about thoughts.  More specifically, what a thought is – judgment, opinion, perception, implication, assumption, etc.  I shared the definition of thought, which is:

Thought: To exercise the power of reason, as by conceiving ideas, drawing inferences, and using judgment. To weigh or consider an idea. To bring a thought to mind by imagination or invention. To recall a thought or an image to mind.

This definition is incredibly important!  Why?  Because it gives us power to change.  This definition says WE have the power to reason, based on our own judgments.  WE have the power to weigh ideas and consider alternatives.

If this is so, and I believe it is, then we have the power to CHANGE.  We choose a thought. We can change a thought.  Simple, right?

Not really.  Otherwise, no one would be in therapy and there wouldn’t be so many self-help books claiming to have THE answer everyone was looking for.

Here’s the frustrating part of change:  Our thoughts are not one-size-fits-all.

What I mean is, thoughts come in two distinct varieties, and are made in a way that creates a bit of havoc in our lives.  The two types are:

1. Conscious
2. Subconscious

Conscious thoughts are just as you imagine them to be – within our consciousness.  What we know we’re thinking, and can “think about thinking” right here in this moment.  Conscious thoughts are what we’re aware of.

Stop for a moment.  What are you thinking about right now?  What’s going through your mind?

That’s your conscious thought.

Consciousness refers to how your mind interacts with the world around you.  You have the ability to feel, think, perceive, opinionate, and be aware.

Subconscious thoughts (also known as unconscious – these words are interchangeable) are what you aren’t readily thinking about.  These are the thoughts that can wreak havoc on your life without you even knowing it!  (And then blame other people and things on what’s going on in your life, but that’s for another time…)

These are the thoughts that are within your being, but you can’t recall immediately.  These are the beliefs that reside in your mind, but you don’t always know what they are.  They aren’t the thoughts you immediately think about, because they are, in a way, “buried” thoughts.

Subconsciousness means to lack awareness.  It means you aren’t fully in-tune with a situation, thought, event, or act.

An example of subconscious thought would be to not eat tuna and drink milk together, ever, because you think you’ll get very ill. And, you perform that same action almost without any thought at all, for 18 years (see previous post if you’re confused).

Another example of subconscious thought would be driving to work, then getting there and realizing you don’t remember the drive at all.  You cannot recall getting from point A to point B – you were not conscious or aware of this drive whatsoever.  Your “awareness” is just below the surface of conscious thought.  You were acting rationally (in this case, but thought isn’t always rational), and yet you have no recollection of it, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, you were acting without any conscious input from yourself.  This is pretty scary, isn’t it?

But it gets even more scary!

Conscious thought – what we are aware of and know to be happening right now accounts for approximately 10-15% of all of our thoughts.

Subconscious thought – what we aren’t aware of, but still works to create emotions and actions in our daily living (remember, that’s what thoughts do!  They create emotions and actions) accounts for approximately 85-90% of all of our thoughts.

So, let’s get this straight…

Thoughts, which create your emotions, which create your actions, may be happening – no, ARE  happening – without your immediate knowledge.

If you’re someone who has ever asked yourself something like, “Why do I DO that??”  Well, there you go.  Now you know.

Subconscious thoughts are powerful.  They act on our behalf most of the time, creating feelings in our bodies without us even knowing.

Many people will use the phrase, “You make me feel…”  That’s not a true statement, right?  If someone outside of yourself can make you feel a certain way, then your power is taken away.  There is power in knowing YOU create what you feel from your own, albeit subconscious, thoughts.

Subconscious thoughts are acting on our behalf, creating the emotions that make us DO what we do.

Have you heard someone (or yourself!) say, “I don’t know why I do that!”  Well, now you know.

You, me, everyone DOES that, because we have an emotion that prompted action.  And we have that emotion because we have a thought, opinion, judgment, perception or assumption about others, ourselves, or our worldview, that creates that emotion.

Thoughts create emotions.  Emotions create actions.

Subconscious thoughts create emotions.

Subconscious thoughts are powerful.

We can’t escape subconscious thoughts.

Yikes!

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Okay, so I’ve painted a bleak picture.  It’s not really all that bad. Sure, subconscious thoughts account for 85-90% of all of our thoughts.  And, sure thoughts are what create those yucky emotions (and good ones!) we don’t like and create those yucky actions (and good ones!) we don’t want.  And, well, yes, we don’t really even know what our thoughts are, and so how can we change those yucky feelings and yucky actions?

Right, right. It is the dilemma we’re seeking to work out.

Subconscious means we don’t know. And the irony is, I’m telling you, you have power to choose just by changing your thoughts.

But if you don’t know what your thoughts are, how can you change them?

Ah. That’s the question of the century

Counseling revolves around THAT central question.  Once you understand how thoughts, emotions and actions work, and that you are in control of them, even if you don’t know what they are, then you’ll work to uncover those powerful subconscious thoughts, and change them.

Choose to change your subconscious thoughts!

Next time, I’ll talk about two other types of thoughts (never fear, we’re leading up to the “how people change” part of this thing – I promise!).

Related articles

• How People Change (Part 1) (ichoosechange.com)

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

In my previous posts, I discussed the TEA process.  Specifically, we dug into extreme actions and extreme emotions.

Here’s a summary of what we talked about:  Without actions, we simply have an emotion that isn’t expressed.  Emotions on the other hand occur all day, everyday, and come in three distinct varieties:  numb, normal, and extreme.

• Numb simply means to avoid all emotion – to choose NOT to feel, if you will.
• Normal emotions are simply:  anger, sadness, happiness, anxiety, and guilt.
• Extreme emotions are kicked up normal ones:  rage, depressed, panic, shame, and manic.

Our goal is to have a NORMAL range of emotions and hence a NORMAL range of actions that express how we feel.

Also recall from my very first post in this series that what creates emotions (which ultimately creates actions), are our thoughts.  What’s in our mind is what really matters, and that’s what I’m going to touch on below.

This is a big topic, but I’ll discuss my thoughts on thoughts (ha ha) in small bites.

I’ll first explain what I mean by “thoughts.”

It seems pretty easy, right?  A thought is a thought is a thought.  Here is a definition from the American Heritage Medical dictionary:

Thought: To exercise the power of reason, as by conceiving ideas, drawing inferences, and using judgment. To weigh or consider an idea. To bring a thought to mind by imagination or invention. To recall a thought or an image to mind.

When I use the word “thought” within the TEA Process, I like to include all the major synonyms as well, such as:

• Judgments
• Implications
• Perceptions
• Assumptions
• Belief
• Opinions
• Presumptions
• Speculations
• …etc.

If we were to look at each of those definitions separately, what we’d find (and what you can gather from just reading the list), is that we are the creators of our own thoughts.

Think about it for a minute.  How else does a thought occur in your mind?  Who puts it there?  Where does it come from?

As humans, we are solely in charge of what is in our minds.  Our thoughts exist because we allow them to exist.  Our judgments, beliefs, opinions, perceptions and assumptions occur within our minds because we “brought it to the mind by imagination or invention” (see the definition above).

We think a thought because we CHOOSE to think a thought.

We have an opinion because we CHOOSE to have an opinion.

We keep a belief because we CHOOSE to keep a belief.

All assumptions, presumptions, conclusions, resolutions, worldviews, and beliefs (and all other synonyms) exist because we CHOOSE to have them.  (And of course, we can CHOOSE to change!)

We have beliefs about ourselves, about others, and about the world around us.  This is a very important point to be made about the TEA Process, so let’s dig a bit deeper into the concept:

• We choose to have beliefs (thoughts) about OURSELVES.
• We choose to have beliefs (thoughts) about OTHERS.
• We choose to have beliefs (thoughts) about the WORLD – this is our “Worldview.”

And no matter what we believe about any given topic, we are sure to find someone else who thinks exactly the same thing, and who helps us believe what we think is THE way to think – that it’s “right.”

The big questions to answer are:  Who determines what thought is correct?  Who is to say what belief is the right belief?  Whose worldview is right?  How do we know what we believe, assume, perceive, presume, judge and think is the RIGHT thought to have?

Who says?

The most important part of the equation in the process of change is this:

WE CHOOSE WHAT WE THINK.

Therefore, it stands to reason that if we choose what we think, we also choose what we FEEL (Emotions) and we choose what we DO (Actions).  Afterall, thoughts create emotions and emotions create actions, right?  Let me demonstrate that now…

The color blue is the prettiest color that exists (thought / opinion).  When I put on my blue shirt, I feel beautiful and self-confident (emotion).  I have a pep in my step the entire day! (action)

Another example:

When I was growing up, my grandmother told me if you eat fish and drink milk at the same time, you’ll get deathly ill (no exaggeration).  Consequently, one of my favorite foods is tuna salad and one of my favorite drinks is…milk!  But since my grandmother taught my mother about the deadly concoction and my mother taught me, I avoided having these two together like the plague!  I wasn’t ready to DIE for goodness sake!

While in college, I existed on anything that was easily opened with a can opener.  I’d eat corn right out of the can as an entire meal, tuna out of the can, green beans, baked beans – you get the idea.  One day, (you know where this is going, right?), I ate some tuna and without even thinking about it, washing it down with a tall glass of milk.

PANIC.

You can imagine the sheer PANIC that went through  my body, right?  And the only thing I could do was sit and wait for the sickness to wash over my body.

(I know this seems like a made up story – it’s not!)

I waited, and waited, and waited.  Waited some more.  Waited more.  Time passed and passed.

And of course, nothing happened.

I couldn’t believe it!  I mean, LITERALLY couldn’t believe it!  Of COURSE what my grandmother and mother taught me were correct, right?  That when you have fish and milk, you get deathly ill?  That you’ll get the most violent stomach ache and vomiting fits that you could ever imagine possible?  Of COURSE this was true.  My grandmother – the best woman on the planet I might add, and so full of wisdom – told me it was true!

But it wasn’t true.   Nothing happened.  I probably just fell asleep and took a nap, then woke up thinking, “Am I…. okay?”

The reason I didn’t get sick is because the belief my grandmother had about tuna and milk was untrue.  Where did she get that belief?  Probably from her mother or grandmother!  She gave it to my mother, and my mother gave it to me.  And if I hadn’t experienced absolutely NOTHING that day in college (yes, folks, 18 to 19 years into my life with this belief), my daughters might have this belief.  Who knows!

The point is, we believe something because we choose to believe it.  We have thoughts because we choose to have them.  We don’t check out facts for ourselves and draw our own conclusions.  And even when we do draw our own conclusions, what we come up with is still our choice!

So what does this have to do with change?

If we feel something we don’t want to feel (anger, depression, panic, etc.) then we must conclude that we feel this because of a thought we CHOOSE to have.  Likewise, if we are doing something we don’t want to do (insomnia, over eating, over drinking, etc.) then we must conclude that we are acting this way because of an emotion we most likely don’t want to feel.  And, we are feeling that emotion we don’t want to because of….. our thoughts!

It’s important that we examine fully, our thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, opinions, judgments, etc.  If we don’t, we may be feeling things we don’t want to feel and doing things we don’t want to do.  We are 100% responsible for what we think!

In my next post, I will continue to talk about thoughts.  Specifically, I will talk about the two types of thoughts and the two types of memory swirling around in our minds that affect our thoughts.  I’ll also discuss where our thoughts come from (although you can see from this post partially where they come from – our mothers and grandmothers!).

Until next time,

Jennifer

Copyright © 2011 Jennifer Slingerland Ryan

Related articles

• How People Change (Part 1) (ichoosechange.com)
• How People Change (Part 2) (ichoosechange.com)
• How People Change: Feelings…Nothing More Than… (ichoosechange.com)
• How To Beat Negative Thoughts (huffingtonpost.com)

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Notice our little man has grown since my last post!  Last time I talked about actions that were either internal or external (acting out or acting in).  This time, I’ll be talking about feelings…nothing more than, feelings…

Ahem.

There really are only two types of emotions, and we can call them “good” and “bad.”  Clients only come to counseling because of their “bad” emotions (and bad behaviors).

The Good and The Bad

Within the “bad” emotions though, there are three categories.  Before I go into the three types, I’ll demonstrate “normal” emotions with a story.

A mother confided in me, asking how she should handle her angry daughter.  When asked her to elaborate, she relayed the story of how when her daughter became angry, she would run upstairs as fast as she could and slam her door without saying a word.

Mom would run up to the daughter’s bedroom, swing open the door and demand that she talk out her problems.  She said running away was no way to handle how she felt, and that it was very disrespectful to slam the door in her mother’s face.  This was no way to act!

I probed mom more…

I asked, “Where were you when she slammed the door in your face?”  Mom said, “I was downstairs.”  So I asked, “Then, it wasn’t really in your face, right?  It was on a totally different level of the home.”  Of course, mom agreed.

Then I asked, “What was your daughter doing in her bedroom while in there by herself?”  Mom told me her daughter had her head buried in, and sometimes even hitting, her pillow.  Mom was very uncomfortable with this behavior!  When I asked her why, she said, “Because she needs to talk about why she’s upset without getting so angry!”

I dug further, asking how she expressed anger when she was a child and how her mother expressed anger.  She said she wasn’t allowed to be angry when she grew up, but that as a child and even now as an adult, she had her own dealings with anger.  She had a bit of a temper, admittedly.  She would slam a door here and there, and she definitely yelled.  In fact, she’d even raised a hand to her daughter and slapped her on at least one occasion.

We’ll talk more about family dynamics and how they play into Moms behavior later, but for now, this is what’s important…

I asked Mom, very honestly, “How do you want your daughter to express her anger, if not the way she did?”  The truth is, the daughter DIDN’T slam the door in her FACE.  She slammed the door, but…is that really a horrible thing?

The daughter was expressing her anger by hitting and crying into her pillow.  Who was this hurting?  Why was it inappropriate?

I pointed out to Mom that these behaviors SEEMED like normal behaviors.  And so I begged the question, and will ask you, the reader, “What is the best way to deal with anger?”

In fact, what is the best way to deal with ALL emotion?  Where is the rule book on appropriateness?  How does one act out sadness?  How does one act out happy?  Guilt?  Anxious?

So much of the time, we aren’t taught what “normal” emotion is.  As parents, we teach our kids not to feel what they need to feel:  don’t yell (it’s disrespectful), don’t cry (or I’ll give you something to cry about), don’t stomp off (it’s disrespectful), don’t, don’t, don’t… you get the idea.

That brings me to the first category of emotion, which is “normal.”

It’s important to understand what is within the normal range of emotion.  Some examples of normal emotions are sad, angry, anxious, happy, and afraid, to name a few.  And as we now know, with normal emotions come normal behaviors.

How does one act when they are angry?  Sad? Anxious? Happy? Afraid?

Naturally, if we “kick up” our actions, it’s because we have “kicked up” emotions.  It makes sense, doesn’t it?

If you’re angry, you stomp, yell, slam a door (all normal, by the way!).  When enraged, you hit someone, yell obseneties, and actually slam a door IN someone’s face (as opposed to 50 feet away from someone).

Someone who is acting out “sad” might cry, yell, hit a pillow, or isolate themselves (external actions).  They might even have a stomach ache or a headache (internal actions).

Anxiety might bring stomach pains, diarrhea, and ruminating thoughts. Breaking  a sweat and feeling queazy is also a common form of “acting out” or “acting in” the feeling of anxiety.

Those actions don’t always FEEL good, but it doesn’t mean they’re bad.

Going To Extremes

Just as we have extreme external and internal actions as we discussed in my last post, we also have extreme emotions.

So, what does “kicked up” anger look like?  Rage.

What does “kicked up” sadness look like?  Depression.

What does “kicked up” happiness look like?  Mania.

To feel anxiety to the extreme – panic.

To feel guilt to the extreme – shame.

You get the idea.

The “normal” range of emotions are just that – normal.  But the “kicked up” or “extreme” emotions don’t always feel as normal.  Just as we have internal actions, we also have emotions that are expressed internally, so rather than having rage, we feel numb.  Rather than feeling depressed, we feel numb.  Rather than feel shame, we feel numb.  And so it it goes…

Numb <— Sad —> Depressed

Numb <— Angry —> Enraged

Numb <— Anxious —> Panic

Numb <— Fear —> Phobic

You get the idea.

On one side of the spectrum we feel numb.  On the other side of the spectrum, we feel extreme emotion.  I would say that “numb” is extreme as well, it’s just emotion that occurs internally.  You can’t “see” numb when it’s acted out.  This person would have “internal” or “acting in” behaviors most of the time.  When you look at this person, they appear just fine and dandy on the outside, but on the inside, they are a wreck (consequently, this is the type of client I see most of the time!).

Many people don’t know how to feel a normal range of emotion (i.e. sad, angry, anxious, fearful, etc.), and so they either “numb out” or they “kick it up a notch” into the extreme emotions.  When someone kicks up their emotions to the extreme, they then have an excuse to get on medication or self-medicate.  Likewise, a person who is “numbing out” may be self-medicating.

Either way, what’s important here is understanding what is normal about emotion, and hence about the behaviors we use to act out those emotions.

Next time, I get into what’s so juicy and fun about change – the mind!  Not that actions and emotions aren’t juicy and fun – they are!  It’s just that, they’re so – there.  You can see actions and everyone has emotions (whether they know how to express them or not).  Many times, we think this is all there is to us – just feelings and behaviors.  But OH… the fun of the brain!

Until next time…

Related articles

• How People Change (Part 1) (ichoosechange.com)
• Anger: A normal emotion for Alzheimer’s caregivers (mayoclinic.com)
• Learning to Channel Anger: Help Your Child Cope (brighthub.com)

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

 

photo credit: Shereen M

Around this time of year, people love that old adage, “It’s better to give than to receive.” But no matter how many times you say, it doesn’t make gift-giving any less stressful. We put so much emphasis on the perfect gift–and the even the perfect gift wrapping!–all in an attempt to express our full feelings to our loved ones. 

And yes, gift-giving is a powerful form of communication. It’s no coincidence that, each year, Americans fork over $40 million on these “perfect” gifts. But perhaps we should look toward other forms, healthier forms, of giving during the holiday season. Not just giving gifts but giving support too. 

Research shows that women who give more than they receive amazingly log fewer sick days at work. There’s a biological explanation, believe it or not. When they provide care and support to loved ones, their bodies produce a hormone called oxytocin, which reduces feelings of stress and anxiety and even can lower blood pressure. (By the way, oxytocin is the same compound released in breast milk when a new mom feeds her infant.) 

And women aren’t alone here. When it comes to the act of giving, both men and women feel an increased sense of personal bonds from it and an increase in feelings of self-competence. The act itself makes us feel important and good. Essentially, you help yourself when you help others. 

Social Psychologist Daryl Bern, Ph.D., has pointed out that giving gifts, support, and even kind words can produce a subconscious thought in our minds of: “I must really care or else why would I give such a meaningful gift?” 

There’s a paradox. We often want to give to those we care more about, but the more we give to someone, the stronger bond we feel we have with that person. The more we care about them.  

And when it comes to those receiving this support and gifts, there’s no evidence yet that it can increase our mortality. But what research does point to is a link between social connections and boosted immune systems and increased longevity. 

photo credit: thejonoakley @ flickr

So always keep this knowledge tucked away when fighting the lines at the nearby mall. Providing a perfect gift will never happen. Perfectionism is simply an illusion that can lead to much physical and emotional stress. 

That’s why this year, my personal charge is to give with love and sincerity, knowing that giving of my time, service, or gifts is not only my expression of love to the recipient, it is actually increasing my own mental health and wellness!

 

photo credit: stuartpilbrow

If you read my post last week, you’ll know all about changing your subconscious thoughts. It’s a matter simply of changing what you habitually think and do, and to do so, you have to be aware of what you’re thinking and doing. The formula for success is: Thoughts create emotions, emotions create actions. 

A client told me recently, “Sometimes I just can’t be aware of what I’m thinking and feeling.  It’s just not the best time.  I mean, I can’t just have a breakdown right then and there.”  She was right! 

Sometimes there will be times when it’s just not possible to let the emotion out. Let’s get real with an example. Let’s say you’re are work with your boss, talking about your next big project. All the while, your mind is focusing on an argument you had with your spouse that morning. You feel edgy, irritable, sad. 

During a moment like this, it is perfectly OK to shelve your emotions in your back pocket. 

But you want to hear some good news before the bad news? Most of us are already excellent at this shelving. The bad news? Most of us forget to pull out and examine those emotions later. Instead, we keep them stuffed away, where the emotions stew, grow, and soon take on a life of their own. 

Let’s keep going with our example above … after work, you’re home with the kids, who are wired out of their minds and not paying you any attention. You feel edgy and can’t figure out why you snap at them. You manage to hold off and not completely lose it on your children–by stuffing your emotions in your back pocket again. 

After you put the kids to bed, you’re finally alone. You uncork a bottle of wine, sprawl on your couch, and have a glass … and then another. You’re isolating yourself, drowning yourself, wishing the day away. 

You can repeat this pattern, day in and day out, until one day you explode! You have a panic attack at work. Or you sleep all day. Or you go on a shopping spree. Or you have a blowup with your husband. Pick your poison, but in any case, your emotions are speaking loudly, leading you to actions that are way over the top. 

“I don’t even know where that came from,” you say after you come down off your emotional high. 

Oh, really? I know. 

Your emotions burst out of your back pocket. Remember those emotions? The ones you kept stuffing there over and over until it was impossible to stuff any more? 

The secret to stopping this vicious cycle is to recognize the MANY signs of distress that appear before that big physical explosion. Then address that distress. 

How? Revisit your emotions regularly. At the end of the day, take the time to empty your back pocket, so to speak. Recall what got you worked up during the day and talk about it, journal about it, meditate on it–in other words, deal with it. Do whatever it takes, but clear those emotions out of your pocket. 

You have to be conscious of your emotions and what’s taking up space in your mind to be able to do this. It can only be done when you make that definite choice to think and act differently, to drive down that new road.