Yesterday I posted the super-simple initial process of change.  On paper, it seems very easy – and it is!

Thoughts create emotions.  Emotions create actions.

It stands to reason that if you change what you’re thinking, you’ll change what you’re feeling, right?  In theory, that is absolutely correct!

So, process done.

Well, not so fast…

There’s more to change than just reading a simple little diagram and snapping your fingers.

This is a great beginning though, and one I call the “TEA process.”  It’s obvious why:

T = Thoughts

E = Emotions

A = Actions

I love this acronym for other reasons, besides it simply being the initials of thoughts, emotions and actions.  The acronym is meant to be a reminder to slow down and, well, think.  Think about what you’re thinking.

I envision having a cup of tea on a nice patio, and pondering… life.  Pondering what’s going on in my mind, in my world, with my friends, in their worlds, and with my emotions.  While, having a cup of ice cold tea or warm tea. It’s a reminder to sip something, and ponder.   Hopefully that acronym will help give you a reminder to slow down as well.

You’ll notice in today’s diagram, I’ve placed the thoughts, emotions and actions into the figure of a person.  I want these words to come alive for you.  This is another reminder.

So here’s the thing…

Thoughts occur in your mind, obviously.  Emotions are in your mind, too, as with everything, but you feel them in your heart, which is where you see them on my “person” diagram.  And actions happen within your body.

I told you yesterday I’d talk about the two types of actions.  By the way, I’ll be starting with the lower part of the body (diagram), “actions,” and working my way up to the mind.  Then, I’ll spend a majority of my time in the mind, talking about how the mind and brain (not the same thing, and we’ll get to that!) work to create your emotions and actions.

Two Types of Actions:

1.  External.  This is what I like to call “acting out” – a term we’ve all heard.  When someone “acts out” they are showing us how they feel.  It doesn’t matter how old you are, your actions say something about you without you being verbal at all.

Your body can perform an action, and if I’m tuned in, I can know how you feel without you having to say how you feel.  This is one skill of a great therapist.  (And frankly, we’re all great therapists if we allow ourselves to be “in tune” as I just said – more on that later).

2.  Internal.  This is what I like to call “acting in.”  This is, of course, the opposite of acting out.  These actions aren’t always as easy as “tuning in” because they happen almost without anyone noticing.  The person who comes to my office who is “acting in,” is concealing how they feel.  Their bodies ARE performing an action, but it can’t easily be seen.

Here are some examples:

(Notice how our man has now grown legs!)

External / Acting Out:  These actions are easy, peasy to spot.  Remember the examples from yesterday of the crazy driver giving the finger, the husband snapping as his wife, and the husband hanging up on his wife?  Those are actions that are external.

Have you ever known someone who has an alcohol problem, an eating disorder, or a gambling problem?  Those are external actions as well.  I could make a very looong list of actions that are external and show emotions in outside of the body.  You can, too!  Here are a few that come to mind:

• overeating (binging / purging / not eating)
• over drinking
• extra-marital affairing (I know that’s not a word)
• sleeping too much
• sleeping too little
• erratic shopping
• gambling
• excessive irritiability
• raging
• gossiping
• eye-rolling

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Image via Wikipedia

Over the next several weeks, I’m going to have a new feature on the I Choose Change blog.  I’m going to outline, just as I do in most all of my sessions, the process of change.

(You might also be wondering why I included a picture of 7-Eleven on this post.  You’re about to see…)

In almost all of my sessions, I take clients through, what I believe, to be the change process.  As you’ll see on our website, and on my biography page, I use a combination of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and Attachment Theory.

I start in different spots for different clients.  For some clients, I only touch on the CBT part of the process.  And for others, I only touch on the Attachment Theory part of the process.  Yet for others, I will give bits and pieces of some of the entire process, and for a remaining few, we barely touch on this stuff at all.

It all depends on the person in the room, what their issue is, how much work they’ve already done before they came to my office, and more importantly, how much insight they have.

Some people lack awareness and insight into the inner-workings of their own bodies and minds.  For them, they will have a hard time digesting parts of this process.  And, for that I say, at this point in their life, it’s not important to know they kit-and kaboodle.  I just start right where they’re at, feeling them out to know how much they can handle, and go from there.

For everyone, no matter who they (you!) are, we all fit in this process.  There are kinks in the process along the way, and that’s where I come in as a therapist:  To help work out the kinks in the process!

Indulge me.  For several years I’ve wanted to write up this little booklet (in reality, I don’t know how many pages this explanation will really be) about the change process, but I find myself always in a rut.  Stuck, and not able to write as clearly as I talk in my therapy sessions.  In fact, there are times I end my day, reflect on sessions I’ve had, and can’t for the life of me know what the heck I’ve said in there, and where in my being it came from.  The best way to describe the process I go through as a therapist is that I’m in the zone.  

If you’ve worked out with intensity, you know what the zone is.  You know that it’s sort of a meditative process where you literally “zone out” and work through some subconscious inner-workings of your mind.  Or something like that…

My therapy process is much the same way.  Hence, when I’m not in “the zone” (which is to say, not in a therapy session), I have a hard time putting the words of this process down in stone.

Nevertheless, it’s something I really WANT to do, and have wanted to do for quite sometime, so I am going to take the leap and try to get myself into the zone of change.  Specifically, I want to tell you how people change.

If you’re a reader of this blog, I welcome your questions.  They will actually help me.

The writing process, I think, will be a little like this:  I’m going to take each step of the process, little by little, each day, for at least 30 days.  Some days I’ll write more than other days.  Some concepts are more involved than others.

Overall, I won’t be writing about each step in an incredible amount of detail.  Some steps will require more detail, but I’ll give just enough to get the point across.  Why?  Because this process really is so, so easy, and I want it to read that way.  Giving more in-depth reviews of each concept will be mundane and boring, and I’d prefer save it for another discussion.

So here goes…

Assuming I am going through the entire process with all my clients, I start with a very, very simple diagram on my whiteboard, and I explain the very basics of the CBT process, which is this:

This diagram represents YOU.  This diagram represents ME.  This diagram represents your spouse, your child, your mom, your dad, the 7-eleven clerk and the person driving the car who gave you the finger this morning.  This diagram is every single person in the world who has the ability to process information in their brain on some coherent, functioning level.  And it’s simple:

Thoughts create emotions.  And emotions create actions.  (Some of you may be saying, “Duh!”  It’s simple, I know.  But hang with me… there’s more juicy stuff, I promise.)

In every single transaction throughout our day, this is the process we go through.

We have a thought in an instant that will create an emotion.  The emotion (feeling) is then acted upon.

Sometimes we don’t know we have a thought, but in fact, we have them all day, everyday.  In fact, it’s estimated that we have about 60,000 thoughts everyday.  If you’re an anxious person, you probably have more thoughts.  If you’re a depressed person, you probably have less thoughts.

An anxious person, by nature, has ruminating thoughts.  Their head spins with thoughts around and around and around, in an effort to predict the future.  (Predicting the future means you have to analyze things to DEATH.  You think of a scenario from this angle, from that angle, and from the other angle.  You try to predict every little part of what could possibly happen – in the future!  Thoughts are rampant with an anxious person!)

A depressed person, by nature, has slowed thoughts.  Their thoughts are hard to process and work through, like molasses.  They can be forgetful, get sidetracked, and slowed down in their cognitions.

Our job as humans in the change process is the slow down this process enough to think about what we’re thinking about, and on some level, think about what OTHERS may be thinking about.  It’s only in being able to know what we’re thinking that we’re able to change what we’re feeling.  And it’s only by knowing what we’re thinking and feeling that we can change our actions.

Thoughts are both conscious and subconscious.  I’ll get into that more a little bit later, but for now, what is important to know is this:

Thoughts create emotions.  Emotions create actions.  

Here are some examples:

• When you snapped at your kids because they wouldn’t eat their dinner, this was an action, obviously.  But it was fueled by an emotion.  What emotion?  Anger?  Frustration?  Annoyance?  Or something bigger?  And, what were the thoughts that preceeded that feeling?  Who caused that action in you?  (Trick question, watch out!)
• When the driver tailgated you then gave you the finger when he passed you a few minutes later, that was an action.  Several actions, actually!  And it was fueled by emotion.  What emotion could this person have had?  Rage?  Irritation?  Overwhelm?  What emotion did YOU have?  We don’t know about the driver, but we can assume many different emotions.  Regardless, his emotion was triggered by a thought, or MANY thoughts even.
• Your wife called and said she would be late coming home from work, but you’ve already made dinner.  You snap at her.   She yells back.  You hang up on her, then you both give each other the silent treatment the rest of the night  Many actions!

All of the actions, no matter how many within a single transaction, are brought on by feelings.  Our job is to know what feelings are at play so we can change the actions.  And, we also want to know what thoughts are at play – this is MOST important!

In the above example, wife is perhaps overwhelmed with work, frustrated that she can’t be home with the family, or even guilty because she feels inadequate (another feeling) as a mom and wife.  You feel angry because she didn’t call sooner, sad because you miss her, overwhelmed because you’ve been home with the kids all day, and perhaps, hungry.  All emotions!  And all of those emotions triggered an argument and the silent treatment.

What’s important to know for now is that this process happens all day, everyday, several thousand times.  It happens to you, it happens to me, it happens to the 7-Eleven clerk, and it happens to your therapist.  No one (who is of sound mind and body, and for the purpose of my writing, I’ll assume from here on out that I’m talking about people who ARE of sound mind and body, okay?) is exempt from this process of thoughts creating emotions and emotions creating actions.

Next time, I’ll talk about the two different types of actions.  Then, I’ll talk about the two different types of emotions, and finally, I’ll discuss the many ways thoughts are manifested plus the two types of memory that are connected to thoughts.

Until then, pay attention to your own thoughts throughout the day.  You have close to 60,000 of them, so there’s a lot!  Ever wonder why you don’t even KNOW what thoughts you’re having in a day, even though there’s so many of them?  We’ll talk about that, too…

Until next time,

Jennifer

Related articles

• Stop Self-Criticism With Compassionate Self-Awareness (psychologytoday.com)
• Leading Change: How Great Leaders Deal with Criticism (leadershipwatch-aadboot.com)
• My Therapy Homework for Processing Emotions (faithallen.wordpress.com)
• Our Emotional Subconscious (flowpsychology.com)

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: visibleducts

Do you have tasks you want to accomplish or dreams you want to pursue, but seem to always have something standing in your way?

100% of all clients that step into my office come for one of only two reasons:

1. They’re doing something they don’t want to do (or want to do something they aren’t doing), and
2. They feel something they don’t want to feel, like anxiety, depression, loneliness, sadness, guilt, fatigue, or fear.

Anxiety is biggie.  That heart-racing, skin-sweating, heavy-breathing, I’m going to die feeling overtakes some people so fast, that the fear of having an anxiety attack can begin to be even more of a fear than the actual anxiety attack itself.

There are four types of destructive, anxiety-prone personalities listed in Luciani‘s book, Self-Coaching that are worth knowing:

• Worrywarts This is the what-iffing personality.  What if I lose my job?  What if my children don’t love me?  What if I have a wreck while I’m driving?  For the worrywart, losing control is at the forefront of their thoughts.
• Hedgehogs  This personality keeps people at arms length by spewing their general distaste about the world around them.  They can change on a dime from sweet and innocent to loathing, defensive, corrosive and bitter.  What this personality uses as a protective measure of the world around them is seen by others as negative, passive-aggressive, and generally unpleasant.  And, while the hedgehog is busy protecting itself with its porcupine needles, his personal life swirls down the toilet, leaving the hedgehog feeling even more depressed, anxious and untrusting.
• Turtles  Having the tendency to avoid confrontation, isolate, and struggle in social situations, this personality retreats from life when they begin to feel powerless in some aspect of their life.  You can recognize retreating turtle personalities in someone who overindulges in just about anything:  TV, drugs, sleeping, work, etc.
• Chameleons  This personality changes his behavior so as to manipulate the situation to make him more in control.  This type may be seen as the bully or someone who you deem as fake.  They utilize chameleon-like personality to change how others perceive them based on the situation.  In other words, they’re never the same person in any situation. 

All of these personality types create a life of anxiety and depression because the social and personal lives become lonely places.  They don’t keep friends easily.  When there is an intense need for control, yet feelings of powerlessness, they lash out at loved ones and keep at an arms length from them.  Left feeling empty, alone, lonely, isolated, and unloved, feelings of depression and anxiety takeover.

The anxious person acts out as a means to control their environment trying to decrease their anxiety.  But this only works to INCREASE anxiety, and sabotage personal relationships in the process.

When we can finally identify what we feel, as well as the actions we take to act out that feeling, the next step is to simply use the TEA Formula to start changing.  That is, get down to the nitty-gritty of what’s driving those unwanted emotions and actions.  Here’s how:

Step 1:  Ask yourself: What am I doing that is destructive?   Overindulging in food, sleep, sex, gambling, or TV?  Isolating myself, fighting with my spouse, yelling at my kids, and working too much, are a few examples.

Step 2:  Ask yourself: How am I feeling?  Usually summed up in one word:  lonely, sad, alone, guilty, depressed, anxious, ugly, anger, etc.

Step 3:  Ask yourself: What is the immediate thought, perception, judgment or opinion that preceded this feeling?  This is easily answered by knowing what your reaction is to something in your environment.  I don’t like how my husband talked to me, and it makes me feel angry.  My boss nit-picks my work and it makes me feel disrespected.  I have no time to myself because of all the roles I play during the day, and that makes me feel depressed.

– Side note about it makes me feel:  Remember, your thoughts are what make you feel what you feel, not the outside world.   But we often say this statement without being conscious.   Notice when you say this though, because you can identify what you feel pretty quickly. 

– The thoughts that immediately precede the feeling in the above statements are, I don’t like how my husband talked to me, My boss nit-picks my work, I have no time to myself.  Those statements, your thoughts and perceptions about OTHER THINGS that are out of your control,  are what create your emotions.  Now, your task is to simply change your perception, or thought, about that preceding event.

When you can get to your root thought sometimes that means becoming aware of your subconscious thought (making the subconscious, conscious).  Then you simply ask yourself: Is this a thought that is serving me well?

If you are feeling something you don’t want to feel or doing something you don’t want to do, like anxiety, then you can rest assured, the thought that got you to those feelings and actions could be tweaked a bit so you get a different feeling and action.

photo credit: Fiona MacGinty

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: zen

In my most recent article, I wrote about the “Acceptance Paradox” providing the sample case of Jon and Kate from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8.  (I won’t be upset if you clicked away.)  I feel the need to drive home this concept a bit more, and I think you’ll find value too, so stick with me!

This topic was first introducted to me in David Burn’s book “Feeling Good Together.” Although called by a different name, the concept is the same: Instead of putting up a defense against your own or other’s criticisms and complaints of you, you find some truth in the statements and accept them.

Common tools used to combat negative emotions; such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety, assume the preceding negative thoughts are illogical so you should talk back to them.  (For example: “No, I’m not worthless.  I am successful, happy, and my life is just as it should be.)  This is a “talk to the hand” technique, making it acceptable to refute all bad thoughts and criticisms from others.  It’s a self-protection technique – a defense to your psyche and, some could say, denial. I would also agree that, in some cases, this self-protection is needed.

However, the Acceptance Paradox is about taking responsibility.  It is about asking these questions and making these assertions:

• “Is there some truth in the criticism?
• “What can I learn from it?”
• “Can I accept the fact that my performance was not up to par?”
• “I have many deficiencies.  I am a human being and I am quite flawed.”

“Ten Days to Self-Esteem” uses this technique beautifully.  At the root of all anxieties, depression, fear, anger and guilt lies some degree of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.  Using the Accpetance Paradox, in my view, is a powerful step in self-acceptance and is crucial to personal developement and growth.

Within your own relationships – friendships, marriage, business, and otherwise – how can this technique help you grow?  How can you become a better friend, spouse, and employee by accepting the truth of your behaviors?   And, doesn’t it feel powerful to take a step back, and examine yourself in a full length mirror?  What you know about yourself consciously, you can change – that is power.

In the case of Kate (from my previous article), it is painful to hear her say “I don’t know” when asked the question of what she could have changed in her marriage.  But it’s a lesson we can all learn.

“I don’t know” is a cop-out. It is a barrier between reality and the unknown.  If the assumption is “yes, I do know, let me figure it out…” then take a step back, examine, and identify reality.  And if you don’t like reality, change it.  This is the Acceptance Paradox.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: victoriapeckham

I have a confession to make.  But before I reveal my secret in full, which will surely prompt you to click away from this article altogether, I’ll give a snippet of my revelation meant only as a way to entice you to keep reading (I admit).

Reality TV (stay with me) is a psychotherapists DREAM.  Riveted by the personalities that are thrown together for the sake of a good storyline, I turn into “analyze” mode instantaneously. Think “evangelical mom meets pagan dad” in Wife Swap.  Or, “bachelor seeks wife in 8 weeks by eliminating 25 bachelorettes one by one” in The Bachelor.  And a personal fave, “pregnancy concierge seeks to get parents wanting to have their baby, which arrives in just 4 weeks” in Pregnant in Heels.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know why these are such popular shows: the conflicts and confrontations alone have people clamoring to see whats going to happen next!  I engage in my own eye-rolling, heavy sighs, and advice throwing, wishing they could hear me through the television screen!

Yes, I love reality television.  But my big confession has me a bit embarrassed and ashamed.  Among my reality show favorites (sadly, no longer with us) is “Kate Plus 8.”  DON’T CLICK AWAY!

At first I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with this show.  Having twins of my own, the thought of giving birth to six more sent me into almost hysterics.  (If you don’t know the premise of the show, here’s a quick synopsis: Jon and Kate have twins.  Five years later, they have sextuplets.  Then, John and Kate get divorced, making the show just “Kate Plus 8″.  A camera now lives with the family and her house full of kids, filming their every move.)

Their life in and of itself is of no interest to me.  As I said, I do good to keep my own home in line: “Terry & Jen Plus 3.”  We have enough drama of our own.

I tuned in mostly because of the announcement that these two parents were getting divorced. (I know, sick.)  There were rumors of affairs, and of the parents abandoning their kids to run off for full weeks with their lovers – all the great aspects of a reality show I DREAM of analyzing till my own head is shrinking.

What I quickly came to understand about this couple is something many people no doubt see who aren’t even therapists:  These two can’t see the forest for the trees!  But even more sad this is a common state seen on a weekly basis in my private consultation office.

There are moments when I have an individual or a couple in front of me, and I have to stop myself from blurting out, “DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT YOU SAID?” And, as some of my clients could attest, I HAVE said it, in fact!  I’ve even gone as far as videotaping my couples, sending them home with the assignment to examine their own behaviors and words in conversation.

It Takes Two

Being the voyeur I am (in the midst of adversity, sadness and chaos, I admit), I had to watch Kate’s previous interview on the “Today” show immediately following their divorce announcement.  If I’d had the producer’s number handy, I would have dialed straight away BEGGING to have just 3 hours alone with these two.  The conversation went something like this:

Meredith (News Anchor):Being that marriage and divorce is a two way street, what role do you think you played, if any?

Kate:Nobody’s perfect.  Obviously it takes two, but I don’t know.  What would I change?  I don’t know to be honest.

(It doesn’t SEEM like you think it’s obvious, Kate.)

This is the problem, friends.And wasn’t just a problem with Jon and Kate, but for goodness sake I do wish they could figure it out so millions could all learn from it!

Yes, I know what you could be saying: Sometimes it just CAN’T be worked out.  TRUE! I will agree with that.  But an epidemic among deteriorating couples is the failure to realize that problems, no matter how big or small, are the cause of BOTH people in a relationship.  Two people have to change in this marriage.

Marital therapy is about working on yourself individually so that you can join your spouse as a whole, healthy person.  With even one person in the relationship unable to take a look at herself in a full-length mirror to examine their own faults, puts the marriage at risk for difficulty, if not divorce.

Nevermind my sickening obsession with reality TV and what draws me to it (that’s for another post).  The point is here is this: Any conflict in ANY relationship- spouse, partner, friend, boss, children – has two parties to blame.Being able to take personal responsibility for your part is incredibly important.

Acceptance Paradox

There’s a concept I teach as a Counselor called “Acceptance Paradox” which says essentially, instead of defending yourself against someone you feel has wronged you, accept the truth in the criticism, admit your wrongs, and accept them.

It’s in our nature to want to defend ourselves when we are told we are to “blame” in a situation.But there is no blame here- only personal responsibility.  Personal responsibility means simply, accepting the “grain of truth” in the criticism and in the failings of the relationship.

For Jon and Kate Gosselin of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” personal responsibility would mean accepting the truth of what caused the breakup of the union.  It means coming to terms with the fact that there are things each of them could have done to change the course of this relationship.  Had this happened early on perhaps they wouldn’t have divorced.  Who knows.

Unfortunately, Jon and Kate are examples to many of us, and their kids will be examples of what it’s like to come from a broken home.  Through their weekly shows, there no doubt were signs of failure.  Was Kate listening when Jon told him how he felt and what he needed?  Did Jon accept his own responsibility when Kate complained to Jon?  Clearly, neither of them did this (not enough to save the marriage).

Our job throughout our own lives is to take responsibility for our own failings in our relationships.  It’s then and only then that we become healthy, happy individuals, capable of having a healthy, happy relationships, including marriage.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Smabs Sputzer

The media these days has sure created a whole lot of hype about “mindset”.   So I’m officially giving my two cents of what mindset development is, and how you can actually change it. You can because there really is a psychology to mindset. Wouldn’t you like to know what it is?

Just do a search in your favorite Web browser for the word “Mindset.” You’ll get thousands of searches, but you’ll also be hard-pressed to find one source online that understands how mindset works. Some might, sure. But with so many gurus and experts claiming to be able to help you evolve just by changing one (not so) teeny thing, wouldn’t it be useful to know the truth?   That is, the truth about the psychology BEHIND the curtain of mindset.

I think so too! So here it is. Mindset is really just about mind-shift. It’s about the way you see the world. Think of mindset as the pair of lenses you choose to look through at the world. You can wear rosy or gray.

The truth is, your consistent thoughts only add to the positive, or negative, outlook of your life. This is what they mean by “self-fulfilling prophecy.”  Those media gurus and I agree that you must change your mindset to have the happiness you want.    

But it is NOT ENOUGH for me to tell you to simply “change your mindset” and wait for the magic happen.

That’s like me saying, “I’ll drop a little fairy dust on your head, and your mind will instantly be cleared of all the goo.” Sorry, mindset change doesn’t work that way. No wonder so many frustrated humans are scurrying about in our society, looking for the NEXT guru that can answer, “How can you make me happy?”

Wait no more. I can answer that question. The truth about mindset change is that it’s so easy, you might wonder if fairy dust is involved. And you might wonder why you spent thousands of hours paying someone to help you be happy when I’m giving it to you for free. (You’re welcome!) 

I’m going to describe something I call the “Mind Tree.” Draw this out on a piece of paper as I explain it so it makes more sense. 

The trunk of your tree is a simple formula: thoughts create emotions; emotions create actions. Then two main branches spawn from thoughts: conscious and subconscious. Those are the two types of thoughts–the first you can easily tap into and are aware of and the second you can’t easily access. These subconscious thoughts lurk in the background of your mind. 

Your habitual thoughts are your mindset. These are the thoughts you have to change if you want to change your mindset. But here’s the kicker: Your conscious thoughts make up only about 15% of your total thoughts, maybe less! Your subconscious thoughts make up the other 85%. Draw this on your mindset tree. Let it sink in. That means in order to change your mindset, you have to tap into those thoughts you don’t even know you’re thinking. Bad news, right? 

Well, not so fast. You can change your subconscious programming. There are so many ways, and that’s where a GOOD guru comes in! From my pre-frontal cortex to yours (that’s where your conscious thoughts are stored), here are just a few to get you started:

1. Identify which subconscious thoughts are no longer serving you well. They may sound something like this: “I am never good enough. Money doesn’t grow on trees and doesn’t come easy. Hard work is the only work that pays, etc.” You can see how just one subconscious thought can create a whole heap of trouble, can’t you? 

2. Choose to change.  Oh, yes, you know I had to say it. CHOOSE to change! The reality is, most people figure out what subconscious thoughts are actually holding them back but then won’t do anything about it. Making the decision to take action is a very big step. And it’s vital. 

(The reasons for not taking action are a whole therapy session in itself, so we’ll save that for another time!)

3. Implement tools. Create new habitual thoughts, affirm what is truth, post sticky notes all over your house and in your car, use EFT, journal ad nauseum, use a “change buddy” for motivation, have lucid dreams, talk about your change efforts until you are sick, and keep moving in THAT direction, not the OTHER direction.

You have so many ways to change your negative subconscious programming. One popular phrase is “Just Do It!” But what happens when “Just Do It” doesn’t work? 

No, it’s not a matter of willpower or strength. And it’s not an issue of character. It’s about stick-to-itiveness, practice, and consistent follow-through. 

Yes, there is a psychology to mindset. Can you call it a day just by knowing that? No, but once you face those negative subconscious thoughts, you can shout from the rooftop “JOB DONE!”

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: wander.lust

Editor’s Note:  This article was originally published in 2007.

“Immaturity is allowing someone else to author your history. Maturity is accepting the authorship of your history. You cannot change history, but you can write history.”

As I fumbled through some old files, cleaning up my home office, I ran across a journal of quotes I’d started in 1994. I opened the journal, and right there on the first page was this magical little quote.

During my Junior year of college, 1994, Dr. Anderson was especially memorable for his life lessons. As I read this quote, now 14 years later, I felt nostalgic.  More importantly, I remember why I’d decided to keep that statement in my stash!

What It All Means

The more we retell the stories of our past, “the more important they will seem. Replaying breakup or accident scenes heightens their sentimental power, akin to repeatedly ripping the scab off a wound,” says Flora in “Self-Portrait in a Skewed Mirror.”  Wouldn’t it stand to reason that if we retell a NEW story from our past, that will become just as important? The stories we make up in our minds create our emotional attachment to them.

Maturity, by definition, means being fully developed in body or mind. It is being grounded and centered in our thoughts and in our emotions; feeling as if we are “somebody” and that we’ve accomplished great things. Sometimes we compare “a time when” to “now” as a guage for our own maturity.

The problem with living in “a time when” is that we fall victim to the stories of our past.  The stories of our past – growing up in a divorced home, lacking the same opportunities as others, or being the child of an alcoholic. Those are the stories we hold onto. We use them as excuses for who we are NOW, what we’re doing now, and how we feel NOW. But, that is an immature process. Our past CAN define us, yet we can also define our past.

How to Define Your Past

Maturity means accepting that you created everything in your past.  Your history was created by you.

This is a hard pill to swallow. “What do you mean I CREATED the alcoholic parents I had”  Or, “There is no way I CREATED a childhood like that.”  Well, no, you didn’t create the circumstances of your life (or maybe you did, but that’s for another article). But you DID create an emotion and a belief based on those circumstances.

From birth through about the age of 18, you were a follower (well, except through the teenage years when most of us rebelled like crazy). But now that you’re an adult, you can no longer hang on to the stories of your past.  And frankly, if you want to change the emotions you have now, it’s essential to change your belief about the events of your past.  Here’s how:

1.  Observe Your Past – Think about an event in your life that has you emotionally charged.  What gets you all riled up inside emotionally?  Now, see that event just as it is – an event or circumstance.  For a moment, distance yourself from being part of the event, and simply see the situation as if you’re watching a movie.

2. Know Your Emotions – Notice the emotions that well up in you as you think about that event or circustance you’re watching.  Is it anger, sadness, fear, or rage?  Are you emotionally charged when you think about how you were wronged, what someone did to you, how people behaved around you, or how you were mistreated?

3.  Change The Scene – Obviously,  you know the event or situation you’re now watching is in the past, but if it’s an emotionally difficult time, it feels like it’s happening right now, right?  So, as you step back, continue to simply watch your “movie” and notice how you feel, change the scene. Imagine that you’re the director of this play, and you have the ability to develop the characters of your play differently than you’re now imagining.  Create a new image in your mind of the situation playing out in front of you.

4.  Create New Emotional Memory – By changing the scene of your movie (essentially changing your past event in your mind), you have 100% control over how you feel.  You will begin to create a new emotional attachment to your history.

You see, your perceptions ARE your reality. For example, instead of thinking “I’m an adult child of an alcoholic”, how about the new thought, “I’m an adult child of a loving, caring Mother?”  Yes, she may have in fact be an alcoholic mother, but wasn’t she other things as well?  And, doesn’t it give you a different feeling to dwell on those things?

I haven’t known anyone better to rewrite perception of history than Dave Pelzer, author of “Child Called It.”  He writes about overcoming severe mental, physical and neglectful abuse at the hands of his mentally disturbed, alcoholic mother.  For mere survival, he created a different perception of his circumstances.

Remember, it’s not EVENTS that create such a strong emotion.  It’s your PERCEPTION OF THE EVENT.  You can create from the events of your past whatever you’d like to create, hence creating a new emotion.

Immaturity or Maturity?

Dan McAdams of  Northwestern University says we construct our lives around our own “personal myths.”  Our job now, is to determine how you want to view your own personal myths.

From this day forward, you must decide how you want to live your life – as one who has no control or one who has absolute control over the stories of your past.  You can decide to have a NEW history. If you truly want to fast forward through your emotional angst, you have to perceive those stories differently.

Letting go is difficult, but it must be done, there is no other way.

I was talking to a colleague today who said he uses the Marine creed with his clients: Improvise, adapt, and then overcome. That is exactly what you must do, but first make the decision. When you are ready to move forward, you will. If you choose to remain stuck, you will. The choice is yours.

“Maturity is accepting the authorship of your history. You cannot change history, but you can write history.” Will you choose to write yours?

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Liz Henry

When I asked, “What would you like for breakfast?” I heard the exclamation, “POPSICLES!!”

As any *good* mother “should” do, I said, “Ohhh, you know we can’t have popsicles for breakfast. How about some cinnamon toast, then a popsicle later for snack?”

Then I paused. And, I did what any bad mother would do…

I said, “Ok, sure. You can have your snack first, then cinnamon toast and oatmeal, ok?” In unison, they cheered, “YEAH!!”

Oh, what had I done? Was that the right decision?

In the very moment I heard myself say the words, “We can’t…” to my two toddlers, I also heard my mind ask, “Why not?” I had a flashback to a session I’d had with a client recently. She’d broken down in tears as we talked about expectations and rules in her marriage.

Like a good therapist, I asked, “Well, who wrote the rule on THAT?” “What if you changed your thoughts and perceptions about how you believe a husband ˜should’ be?” I asked that when she questioned what to do about her flailing marriage and the opinions she had of her spouse’s behavior. Those thoughts, perceptions and opinions were the expectations she’d created of her husband and her marriage. The expectations were the RULES of how she thought the marriage “should” be.

When I asked what it would be like for her to change her rules, her eyes welled with tears and she said, quite agitated, “So you’re telling me if I want to be happy in this marriage, I have to lower my expectations, and change what I think is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’?”

I entered cautiously. The answer was extremely important to her.

“No, you don’t have to lower your expectations. But, yes, you may have to change your definition of right and wrong.”

Compromise is NOT easy. Ask any married person – we know! But compromising isn’t about lowering your expectations, or giving up what is important to you. It *is*, sometimes, about making a choice on the thoughts, perceptions, judgments and opinions you choose to have about the various aspects of your marriage. Such as, who does the laundry? Who disciplines the kids? Do you both work, or is there a stay-at-home parent, and if there is, who stays and who goes?

In a family where your mother stayed home and your father worked, you may have learned that was the “right” way to do it. Having a mother that cooked all of your meals each evening, you may have learned that was the “right” way to have meals prepared for the family.

But what if you found yourself in a marriage where your husband wanted to stay home part time to watch the kids while you worked full time? What if your spouse didn’t cook and instead depended on you for dinner each evening? What if you wanted to have sex 3 times a week, but your spouse was content with sex 3 times a month? What if you perceived your spouse to be “weak” and unassertive, leaving you to make most of the household decisions?

Not all marriage problems are solvable, we know this. But some problems can be managed. Compromise is choosing to perceive a situation differently than how we’d previously believed it to be true. It’s bending your belief a bit, while keeping your high expectation – for your own life – intact.

There are no “rules” to marriage. And, there are no “rules” for life, either. There’s a tremendous amount of power when you realize you have the ability to think about a situation how you want to think about it.

Who says snack has to come after dinner? Where’s the rule that says that? What would happen if we changed it?

If you follow my TEA formula which states our thoughts create our emotions, and our emotions create our actions, you already know that what you think and perceive about a situation is what makes you feel the way you do.

So, when she asked, “Do I have to change what I think is right or wrong to be happy in this marriage?” my answer was a cautious, “Perhaps.” Sometimes, that may be the case.

Not only in marriage, but in all situations, if what you think about is not creating the emotion or action you want, then you may need to change your perception. In the case of my client, her decision will be in whether she is willing to examine a new belief or thought about the way her husband “should” be in this marriage. If she decides this is an unsolvable problem that she absolutely cannot compromise on, then she will have two choices: remain unhappy, or get out of the marriage.

Option three – change my spouse – is not an option. Sure, your spouse CAN change. But that’s not what you’re in control of. You only control your perception of your spouse’s behavior. You decide if this is a “rule” worth keeping.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: booleansplit

Now, before you read any further I want to make one thing clear. I in no way endorse or believe that anyone should buy time with a prostitute, regardless of price. But the 2008 scandal involving former New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer, and a high-priced prostitute reminds me that my endorsement is not needed for these trysts to occur. In fact, Spitzer’s case is only one of many that involve high-profile individuals and prostitutes. Remember Hugh Grant’s indiscretion during his relationship with Elizabeth Hurley?

I think most people are totally dumbfounded when famous people are caught in unethical (to say the least) actions such as spending crazy amounts of money on prostitutes. After all, why would someone who seemingly has it all: a family, a loving partner, an influential career, and public respect, risk all these blessings for something superficial and sleazy? Is it all about the sex or does a prostitute really make their lives better?

Well, the answer may surprise you. Rationally, the answer is, of course, no. Regardless of the temptation, someone who is mentally healthy does not need to pay someone to have sex with them. Why? Well, since they understand that their worth is inherent and they have the tools to handle their emotions and thoughts, they are generally able to make good decisions. But when someone has low levels of self-worth, they usually look outside themselves to find worth. They may reason that they aren’t good enough on the inside but they can be good enough on the outside! For someone in this situation, a high dollar prostitute may be the current “thing” that makes them feel worthy.

To go a little deeper, let’s look at current research from Caltech and Stanford. Through a study that posed the question, “Does a wine taste better just because it’s more expensive?” researchers were able to prove that people’s beliefs dictate value. So, for instance, a person is more likely to enjoy a $10 dessert versus a $5 dessert simply because they figure that price accurately determines value. So, it’s natural for someone to think that an experience with a $5,000 prostitute will be much better than an experience with a $500 or $1,000 prostitute. In other words, they value the $5,000 prostitute much more simply because they believe that person or experience is more valuable.

So it stands to reason that someone who employs an expensive hooker gets more personal value from doing so. After all, they believe that they got the best of the best.

I know that most of us shake our heads in disbelief when stories such as these break. That’s a normal reaction. But before we collectively balk at someone hiring a prostitute just to pump up feelings of self-worth, let’s look at the larger picture. The reality is that most of us use things or people or jobs to make us feel more valuable, more exclusive. Otherwise why would our society be so obsessed with gigantic houses, expensive cars, bigger pay checks, luxury vacations? The answer: all these things can provide an ego boost. They make us feel better than. And when we allow outside things or situations to define who we are, we are in trouble because our feelings of self-worth are only genuine and lasting if they come from within.

I don’t want to see another public person caught in destructive behaviour like Spitzer was. But I have a feeling that similar cases are waiting in the background. I’ll still cringe but I’ll also take a second to evaluate my own destructive habits. I’ll take someone else’s mistake and will use it as a mirror to reveal my own misguided attempts to use external sources as proof of self-worth.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Have you ever found yourself trekking through life quite nicely, when all of a sudden the bottom falls out? When something so drastically changes, taking you by complete and utter surprise, that you’re blindsided by the reality of your new existence, one that will never, ever, ever be the same? The company you’re working for goes bankrupt and you’ve suddenly lost all of your money. Your wife announces the paperwork for divorce is already complete on her end; all you have to do is sign. The death of a loved one brings you to your knees.

Any of these events are ones you didn’t ask for, and certainly don’t deserve, but now you’re left to deal with them. They create   darkness so thick in your life that sometimes you even wish the light switch would be turned off completely. You become heavy with the torment of depression, anger, and despair so horrendous that you can’t fathom a way out.

One Thing is Always Certain

We’ve all heard the saying: The only thing you can count on is change. It is true, and yet when you’re in the big middle of the horror, you can’t claw you’re way out. Even if you’re one of those that believe there’s a reason for everything, when something so life changing occurs, it’s hard to see a lesson.

Have you found yourself in the same situation more than once? You find yourself in the same long, droning conversations with your children or your spouse, saying the exact same thing to each other over and over. Or, you are in the same dead-end job that you found yourself in multiple times before. “How did this happen AGAIN?” you ask. Patterns emerge when you aren’t paying attention.

No Pointing Fingers

If you find yourself in the same situations over and over again, chances are you are playing a significant role, even it if appears on the outside that something happened TO YOU. It feels sometimes as if the event is THRUST upon you without your wanting it to occur. But if there is a pattern to the same emotional or spiritual distress of the scenarios of your life, only you can break the cycle. Some things ARE your fault, and it might be time to wake up and smell the roses.

The next time you find yourself saying, “It’s not my fault” you may need to instead ask the question, “What did I do to get in this place once again?” This would be the time to figure out what you’ve done to create the situation you’re in. I know for some who read this, it will be a radical shift in reality, and it may even make you angry to hear me say it. However, change occurs when we’re willing to eyeball ourselves in a mirror rather than looking at the world through a magnifying glass. Taking responsibility of your life, and the change you create, means not placing blame on anybody or anything for your life.

In her book, “There’s a Hole In My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery,” Portia Nelson simply yet eloquently explains habit. Here is an excerpt from her “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”:

Chapter 1:

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost…I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to get out.

Chapter 2:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep home in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in…it is a habit.

My eyes are open

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5:

I walk down another street.

The “hole” Portia talks about are our patterns. Be daring enough to take a look at the patterns in your life, and then be even bolder as to ask what you did to create the reoccurrence. Be willing to say, “I take responsibility,” and get out of the hole you’ve gotten yourself into immediately. Then, don’t go near the hole.

Our patterns are our habits – those neural pathways we trust our brains will always create, even when we aren’t aware of it. What we create in our lives, we can also re-create, and this fact alone is so freeing and powerful! Especially the habits we don’t like, but all of them, can be changed for good, when we merely have our eyes wide open, know where we are, take responsibility, and simply do not repeat the pattern.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.