Like a deer in headlights.
That’s how Mom looked when I asked, simply, “How do you show your son love?”
There was a looooooong pause. Â Blinking. Â Total befuddlement. Â I waited. Â Waited. Â Waited. Â Then she said, “I’ve just been so angry at him lately. Â He intentionlly does things that make me mad. Â I can’t show him love right now.”
Excuse me? Â You can’t do what? Â Because your son is acting like a mad man, you can’t show him love? Â (You know the kind of “mad man” behavior I’m talking about, right? Â The kind that screams, “SHOW ME ATTENTION!!!”)
Ok, here’s the thing. Â Kids are none of these things: Â vindictive, out to get you, or purposely pissing you off. Â And, as parents, we must, must, MUST separate the PERSON from the BEHAVIOR in our kids. Â If we can love our kids without putting conditions on that love, the behavior won’t be NEAR as bad. Â In fact, some of their craziness may stop altogether.
This story makes me angry. Â Really angry.
My last post listed ways to raise a happy, healthy, and secure child. Â One of the ways to know your child doesn’t fit into that category is if he consistenly acts like a 2-year old let loose in rain puddles! Â His environment affects the his behavior in big ways. Â I know I’ll tick off some parents who read this, but it’s a statement I’m willing to stand by and back up.
In a response to my earlier post, one commenter wrote, “I knew my dad loved me, but…” Â Stop right there.
As an adult you can logically and rationally deduce that your father loved you because he did X, Y, and Z (fed you, clothed you, and worked hard for the family for example).  But as a child, you didn’t think that way.  Your daydreams  didn’t sound anything like the ponderings we have as adults.
Children don’t deduce the way you can now. Â As a child, missing out on the nurturing, tenderness, and hugs may have sent the message that you weren’t lovable.
What if you didn’t receive those things as a child?  How would you know?
There are several clues that may tell you if you received the “your love didn’t come free” message as a child. Â Check for these signs in your life:
- Frequent arguments in your marriage
- Yelling, fighting, and uncontrollable children
- Unstable job history and/or frequent unhappiness
- Chronic bouts of depression or anxiety
- Lack of supportive friendships
- Feeling out of control or wronged a lot of the time
- Chronic lack of self-esteem and self-confidence
If you find yourself stuck in adulthood feeling unhappy, unhealthy, and insecure, you might need to revisit your own inner child. Â Your little guy (or little girl) is waiting to be loved.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Reading this post made me anxious. When you are supposed to be pretty darn near perfect, looking at a list like this and being able to check most of the boxes is unnerving.
I remember when I was growing up, I promised myself that my future family would not have all of the dysfunctions that my family of origin had. What a joke. It all seemed to happen like the frog in hot water and I didn’t know what to do about it all when I recognized it. The help I initially got wasn’t the best.
So how does this mom go to her teenage boys and repair the messages they may have received from her? I carry a lot of guilt and shame knowing that I have contributed to their struggles. How does one process that one and not end up in a rubber room?
What does “visiting your inner child” look like? How will that affect the adult? With me, I have chronic anxiety and I don’t know why. I am not aware of anything in particular I am anxious about but get so anious I struggle with breathing.
I guess all this means I am not the perfect person I was supposed to be. hummm.
This is a great post. I definitely need to do some work on my inner child. Thank god for therapy!