Mindful meditation is the art of bringing peace of mind even while we live in a world of chaos.  When a client said recently, “I’m just trying to be more mindful. Most people don’t even know what that is,” I knew he was right.  Simply put, mindfulness is this:   To think about what you’re thinking about.

There are many reasons to meditate and even if you only vaguely know what those reasons are, you may still be drawn to the practice simply because you’ve heard it can bring you more peace.  This is a simple, yet detailed guide that will make meditation an easy practice to add into your daily life.

How To Meditate

1. Find a comfortable place and position.

You can lie on your bed, sofa, or floor. Sit in your easy-chair, or cross-legged on the floor if that does it for you.

Me? I have two comfortable positions: 1) lying on my sofa (most likely in my office between clients); and 2) sitting on the floor with my legs crossed and a rolled-up blanket or pillow under my tailbone.

You might ask, “Why THAT crazy pose?” 

Now we get back to explaining that traditional image of the meditating person sitting cross-legged.  This specific pose tends to create a clean, clear stream of breathing straight from the diaphragm out your airway.

I add the towel or pillow under my tailbone because it lifts my spine off the floor just slightly, making it very hard to slouch. It’s a very comfortable position so try it!

Whatever comfortable place and position you pick, be sure they aren’t so comfortable they’re going to make you fall asleep. Sure, asleep, your mind will be quiet. But you’ll be so unconscious you won’t be thinking about what you’re thinking, and you won’t be able to set an even higher intention.

2. Start breathing.

To make it easy, count to 10 as you inhale and then count to 10 as you exhale. If you can’t make it to 10, try 7. What’s important is not so much the number as that your ENTIRE breath LAST for the entire count. If you don’t make it, you’ll hyperventilate and create anxiety for yourself because you’ll be holding your breath just trying to make it to 10. Don’t do that!

Your counting to 10 is for two reasons–and 2 reasons ONLY: 1) So you actually take deeeeep, looooooong breaths; and 2) so you focus on breathing and NOT on your dog barking, the argument you just had with your husband, or any other extraneous rigmarole. 

Some patients have told me they simply can’t count to 10 (or 7) because they can’t let their breath last that long and instead it just works them into a small frenzy. If this sounds familiar and you can’t count to a certain number, then don’t. Know that your breath is meant to do the two things mentioned above and, if it does, then you’re on track.

3. Keep breathing.

Let me set the record straight for all you beginners. You might have heard that meditation will deliver all the answers to life’s questions and conjure wonderful, magical thing. It’s not going to happen! Not on your first try anyway. Probably not your second, third, or fourth try either.

Meditation takes practice. Quieting your mind is NOT easy. 

So, for now, just breathe. Don’t worry yourself about deeper meanings and better health and doing it right and all that jazz. Breathe for 10 minutes using the steps above, then stop (not breathing, meditating!). Do it again the next day and the next day after that–for five days straight. Next, up it to 15 minutes for another five days, then 20 minutes for the five days after that.

If you can breathe consistently and slow down your mind more than ever before for 20 whole minutes, you’re ready to move to the next step. 

(By the way, what’s the best way to keep track of your time? Here’s a tip–set a timer. You don’t want your counting interrupted by the thought, “I wonder how long it’s been?”)

4. Think about what you’re thinking.

Yes, meditation is meant to quiet the mind. So it might seem a bit strange that I’m asking you to think about what you’re thinking. 

But if you’re able to slow yourself down enough so you can actually hear your own thoughts, I want you to do something that seems a bit strange, and will definitely feel strange.

I want you to step outside of yourself. While quiet, breathing, and calm, stand in front of yourself and watch yourself breathing. Imagine yourself calm, relaxed, and breathing easy. Then take a look inside your mind. See what’s going on there.

The first time you do this, you might hear yourself thinking, “This is really strange … am I even doing this right?” 

Or perhaps “I can’t see myself. This crap doesn’t work!” 

Still, keep at it. Remember, YOU are in control here. Your job is to take back your power. You really CAN see from the outside what you’re doing and hear what you’re thinking when you’ve quieted your mind enough to do so. 

But here’s the catch. I don’t want you to analyze, process, talk about (with yourself, that is), or do any ruminating WHATSOEVER about what you see and hear. I only want you to hear what you’re thinking. And then hear your next thought, the one after that. Hear yourself thinking, “Oh, there’s another thought … and, oh, there’s another one!” 

No judgment, just thought. (Trust me, you CAN do this … with some practice!) 

5. Set an intention.

Once you’ve mastered the above steps, you’re now ready to take CHARGE of your meditation. At this point, you’ll be able to quiet yourself in a snap–it will take a mere matter of a couple minutes–and then stay quiet for a good amount of time. 

By now, you’ll meditate for 30 minutes easy. You’ll be LOVING how rested, relaxed, and calm you feel after your breathing sessions. (You’re a regular now–yeah!)

When you’ve reached this level, this next step is to set an intention for your subconscious mind. Ohhhhh … exciting! But why?

Your subconscious thoughts take up 85% to 90% of the 60,000 total thoughts you have each day. By quieting your mind, the ultimate goal is to bring these subconscious thoughts to the surface–to get at what the heck you’re really thinking about most of the time so you can change it. 

Here’s an example: Let’s say you have a big decision to make, such as whether or not to take a new job that requires that you move your entire family to another city. It’s a big opportunity, but the decision doesn’t seem cut and dry in your conscious mind. You’re torn. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, your subconsious mind is working hard. It’s aware of your beliefs, emotions, and past memories–all of which could be keeping you stuck in uncertainty. 

photo credit: Steve Rhodes @ flickr

Your subconscious thoughts could be activating the “I’m really freaking scared of change because every time I do something like this, I start fighting with my spouse more, I can’t meet friends as quickly as I’d like, and my kids seem to go haywire!” cycle of uncertainty.

Your conscious mind may not be able to pinpoint this, but your subconscious belief system has it SPOT ON! 

In this example scenario, your intention for meditation might seem to be to answer the question: “What is the best work scenario for me? I’m stuck between my current job and new job, and I need a clear-cut answer.” 

But let’s be honest. I’ll be the first to admit that answers DON’T always come during meditation, and, when they do, they certainly don’t always come very clearly. Like a flashing neon sign in your brain that says, “TAKE THE NEW JOB!”

But ask anyone–ANYONE–who meditates regularly with intentions, and they’ll tell you that something miraculous happens during their meditations that helps them be more clear-headed. They realize answers that they didn’t have before setting a very clear intention for their meditation, quieting their mind, and thinking about their thoughts. 

6. Don’t put pressure on yourself.

I could have stopped this simple guide at No. 5, but I felt it’s important to add in this last step. Meditation can work wonders for your health and wellness. But put pressure on yourself to “perform” during meditation, and you will miss out completely on the powerful benefits of this practice. 

Many times, I find I don’t have an intention for my meditation. My life seems to be move along, quite nicely thank you, and I have no big dilemmas to work through. Well, whoop-de-do, right? 

My point is, the idea here is to induce a calm, relaxed, and stress-free environment for yourself.

Remember, this is YOUR practice! It never matters how someone else meditates. It doesn’t matter what other guides about meditation have said.

Your Meditation Practice

Put simply, it DOES NOT MATTER how YOU meditate if how you meditate works, feels right, and creates a space for quiet and calm.

I merely hope this guide encourages you to start meditating. Simply start. Do it once and know that, right away, you’re not going to be able to “just breathe.” You won’t be able to create gaps between your thoughts. And you definitely won’t be able to have any “a-ha” moments. 

But in time (a SHORT time, actually!), you will become a meditation expert!

Your Choice, Your Voice Discussion:

1. What is imperative for you: the past, the present or your future and why is it so ?

2. Does sitting idle in a place, doing nothing and just breathing in and out actually help and benefit a person and how?

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Pandiyan

Editor’s note:  I originally posted this in October 2008.  The content is still relevant today as I’m revisiting authenticity!

I have found it – the definition of authenticity! Sure, there are plenty of Toms, Dicks, and Harrys out there who claim to know all about “authentic” life styles. They say, “Listen to me. I can guide you to happiness!” Then they charge you an arm and a leg. But I think I have found the real definition of authenticity. Here it is, for free I might add. (You’re welcome!)

It comes by way of Brian Goldman, a graduate student at the University of Georgia in Athens. He was digging through centuries-old research and philosophy when he uncovered what I think is a pretty great definition:

“The unimpeded operations of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.

Ohhh … pretty! How simple and sweet is that, huh?

I agree completely with it too, which you probably already knew because I’ve been using the same definition of authenticity for quite sometime now.

Another one of my favorites is Neil Lark Warren’s 10 Characteristics in Finding Contentment. I’ve also recently been struck by so-called physical acts of authenticity, which the authors outlined in a newer issue of Psychology Today.

These physical acts of authenticity are:

1. Meditate. Think of it only as a way to get to your “happy place,” not a technique to influence outside forces. For instance, why do you work? To earn money to buy pretty things. Why do you meditate? To achieve internal happiness. I can handle that.

2. Be Deliberate. Be conscious that you have choices. You can choose to change (“I choose change” anyone?), or you can choose to stick with what you have. You can choose to move forward, go backward, or do nothing at all. Being deliberate simply means acting consciously, with purpose.

3. Act Intuitively. Sure, you got me; this runs counter to No. 2. But as we’ve talked about before, acting consciously can sometimes be detrimental when too much rationalizing and reasoning gets in the way of your gut feelings. Don’t be afraid to follow your instincts. They’re there to guide you forward.

4. Create Solitude. There’s nothing like shutting down–on purpose–so you can recharge. We’re talking power down your blackberry, shut your door, turn off the TV and the laptop, and provide yourself the space to just thing and be. Authentic people regularly look inside and listen to their intuition, but they can’t do this with all the chaos of the modern world swirling around them.

5. Stay Connected. Thomas Moore, author of A Life at Work, says, “Community is an outlook toward life in which you define yourself in relation to the world around you, rather than only in connection with yourself.” Community, he is saying, is a way to enlarge our own sense of self.

6. Play Hard. Don’t hold back when doing what you really love, whether it’s tennis, running, art, dancing. It allows you to fully express who you are at your core.

7. Be Willing to Lose. Authentic people know that failure is part of growing. You must be willing to stare down your failures, learn from them, and move forward if you are to live an authentic life.

I take no credit for the above definitions.  But I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of taking personal responsibility for life’s challenges.  That means peering inside for answers on why we do what we do, feel what we feel, and think what we think.  It’s only through an authentic life that we can look internally, and take personal responsibility.  Personal responsibility is the  genius of change!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

 

photo credit: MarkNick

As I stated in my previous post (the first 5), I take no credit whatsoever for outlining the 10 Characteristics of Authentic People.  Neil Clark Warren did a great job of that in his book, “Finding Contentment.”  For me (and hopefully for you), this post is a reminder of where we find our authenticity and what it means to live according to our Core Self.  

6.  Authentic People are Adaptable and Flexible

People who have learned to be authentic are not annoyed and upset by every little change that comes along.  They aren’t so rigid and unbending that the inevitable twists and turns of life rock their world.

Authentic people have what I call healthy adaptability – the kind that is free from resentment and feelings of abuse.  They are so inwardly secure and sure of who they are that change for the benefit of a valued relationship will seem relatively easy.  On the other hand, someone who is insecure and out of sync will tend to be defensive and angry when confronted by the need for change.  Survival in life requires constant adaption, and those who master the skill are headed toward contentment.

7.  Authentic People Have a Strong Sense of Gratitude

Dr. Lewis Smedes, a professor of social ethics and the author of many acclaimed books was asked the secret of attaining contentment.  He says, “Gratitude is a the very heart of contentment.  My sense of satisfaction in life springs from the feeling of gratitude.  I have never met a truly thankful, appreciative person who was not happy.  So close are gratitude and contentment that I would equate them.”

Think of that!  This brilliant thinker and social ethicist says that when  you are grateful you are almost sure to be enduringly content.  At the heart of this principle are two aspects fundamental to contentment:

Gratitude means appreciating what you have, not yearning for what you don’t have.  Being thankful to God for all that we’ve been given – instead of complaining about what we’re missing – is at the core of well-being.

Gratitude is the recognition that we cannot do well in life on our own.  We need people to invest in our lives, nurture us, and help us along at critical points.

8.  Authentic People Love to Laugh and are Lighthearted

Norman Cousins highlighted so powerfully the therapeutic effects of laughter.  In his classic book Anatomy of an Illness, Professor Cousins related the poignant story of his personal victory over cancer – a victory that involved listening to numerous comedy tapes and viewing hilarious old movies that made him laugh unendingly. 

In addition to being therapeutic for the body, laughter and lightheartedness also signify inner wholeness and tranquility.  I think of the Proverb that says, “A merry heart does good, like medicine, / But a broken spirit dries the bones” (17:22).  Of course, not everyone who laughs frequently and freely is perfectly centered in his inner world, but I suspect that any person who lives authentically is almost certainly able to laugh and see the lifer side of life.  A buoyant and jovial spirit is a by-product of authenticity.

Study the people you know who are enduringly content.  See if these people don’t exude winsome spirits and fun-loving attitudes.  See if there aren’t twinkles in their eyes and perpetual grins on their faces.  See if you don’t find yourself getting carried along by their lightheartedness and frequent laughter.

9.  Authentic People Exhibit a High Degree of Dignity

Authentic people treat everyone – themselves included – with the utmost respect.  They can do this, I think, because they are sure and confident about who they are.  Whatever you tell them will never have ultimate power over them, so they don’t become anxious and frantic that you are going to push an agenda or apply pressure to get your way.  They engage in two straightforward and highly practiced acts – collecting information and making decisions.

Dignity involves a peaceful spirit, and a peaceful spirit is the result of one experience after another in which you are attentive to your inner world and make choices that show respect for yourself at every point along the way.

10.  Authentic People Sleep Well

There is something highly diagnostic about peaceful sleep.  Show me a person who sleeps unusually well, and I will show you a person who is fundamentally in harmony with his or her world.  Let me reason in reverse for a minute.  Four factors usually contribute to sleep problems:

You may be under a lot of stress.  If you frequently sleep poorly because you are stressed from overwork, it is a clear sign that you’re serving a false master, that you’re trying way too hard to establish your worth through achievement.

You may drink too much alcohol.  Millions of Americans drink large amounts of alcohol in an effort to feel better about themselves.  Even though alcohol may give you temporary relief, it almost always exacts a high price for its momentary value – a price that often includes the loss of peaceful sleep.

You may be overweight or may not be getting enough exercise.  Fifty million Americans weigh significantly more than they should, and it’s time that we begin explaining what this self-sabotaging behavior is all about.  It frequently indicates a lack of “internal friendship.”  That is, many people do not value themselves enough to make healthy living a priority.  This lack of internal friendship is close to what I mean by being out of sync with your deepest and most central inner self.

You may be anxious or worried.  There are a myriad things to worry about – finances, relationships, car problems, deadlines – and unless we deal with these in a healthy and authentic way, we will suffer the consequences.

The point is, if you consistently fail to sleep well, it’s likely that one of these factors is to blame.  And if any of these factors applies to you, it’s also likely to signal a deficit in authenticity.  When you stay true to yourself, when you manage each moment as it comes your way, you can’t live life any better.  This kind of life management prepares you for the relaxation that is required for deep and peaceful sleep.

These Ten Characteristics Are the Crucial Indicators

If you want to find out about your own authenticity and in-syncness – or someone else’s – look for the preceding ten characteristics.  It’s almost unbelievable how reliably they indicate emotional health.  When you are internally in harmony with yourself, everything else about your life will suddenly get better.

 

photo credit: markhillary

“Fight Truth Decay.” I saw that slogan on a sign along the road on my way home from my brother-in-law’s house. I had to take a picture of it because it meant something to me–albeit something different than it did to the church that posted it on a billboard.

Here’s what it means to me: Our truth is really our spiritual existence, and by spiritual existence, I’m talking about something that goes way beyond our belief systems. Beliefs are what we learn. Core truth is what is and what will always be.

For more on what I’m talking about, check out an article on self-love written by Hara Estroff Marano in Psychology Today.

In it, Marano gets to the heart of what core truth is by nicely summing up what self-love is:

Core Truth 1: Honor who you are. Remember you are meant to be in this world, both having this physical human experience as well as existing as a spiritual being of pure love, peace, and perfection. Honor that core person, for it is the truth of who you really are.

Core Truth 2: As a human, you are capable of creating joy, happiness, pain, sadness and suffering in your life. Choose what you will create. You have the power to control your own destiny through this self-will.

Core Truth 3: You are always evolving and becoming a better and more refined human being. This is your purpose in life.

Ultimately, to understand this core truth, it’s important not to confuse why you are here, your role for existing. As Marano says, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”   

photo credit: respres

I was walking with my daughters and my husband last night on the dark trail that winds behind our house, and we saw so many fireflies along the way. They flashed their tails and then, just as quickly, they vanished. An instant later, another two would light up. Our eyes had to dart around to keep up with all their illumination. 

My husband said to my daughters, “Keep looking, girls. You’ll see the fireflies!” 

They kept trying to find the bugs, and I did too. I’d catch one putting on a show, and just as that one dimmed, I’d see another light up in my peripheral vision. But by the time I turned to see it, it was gone. 

It made me realize that, no matter how much I squinted into the darkness, the harder I looked for the next firefly, the less likely I was to see one. 

That got me thinking about how life is the same way. 

The more intensely we focus on what we WANT to be in our lives, the more we see nothing. Sometimes we think we can WILL something to happen in our lives merely by concentrating on it with a stronger gaze. 

It brings me back to the Law of Attraction. I believe in this in large part, but it can be deceiving in one respect: It can make you believe that, if you focus on something hard enough, and believe that it will happen, that it will then occur. Sure, this might actually turn out to be true for you every once in a while, just because of the law of probabilities. There’s bound to be a coincidence every so often. 

But we need to get beyond mere probabilities. We need to look at another phenomenon at work here, which we can completely miss when we concentrate so hard on what we want that we put the blinders on for everything else. 

That phenomenon that we’re forgetting is free will, intuition, and divine timing. 

1.  Free will means we are free to follow the path that’s divinely ordained for us or one of our own making, and to change directions whenever and however we see fit. It means we can go on impulse, thinking (falsely) that we know what’s best for us, even when evidence mounts to the contrary! 

2.  Intuition, on the other hand, is the divine guidance trying to lead us along the right path. Think of it as a little nudge. Or getting back to the fireflies, remember that we don’t have to stare at one particular firefly. All the fireflies will light up no matter what we do, so the best bet is to sit back and enjoy all of them.

3.  Divine timing is the pace of our life according to intuition, or God’s guidance. When you follow your free will, though, the timing of events is all your own. But when you focus so hard on the darkness to make a firefly light up, chances are, it won’t. Yet when you look instead toward the fireflies’ general direction and allow yourself to be guided by the nudges of intuition, you’re sure get to where you need to go and see an incredible lightshow along the way.