Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Liz Henry

When I asked, “What would you like for breakfast?” I heard the exclamation, “POPSICLES!!”

As any *good* mother “should” do, I said, “Ohhh, you know we can’t have popsicles for breakfast. How about some cinnamon toast, then a popsicle later for snack?”

Then I paused. And, I did what any bad mother would do…

I said, “Ok, sure. You can have your snack first, then cinnamon toast and oatmeal, ok?” In unison, they cheered, “YEAH!!”

Oh, what had I done? Was that the right decision?

In the very moment I heard myself say the words, “We can’t…” to my two toddlers, I also heard my mind ask, “Why not?” I had a flashback to a session I’d had with a client recently. She’d broken down in tears as we talked about expectations and rules in her marriage.

Like a good therapist, I asked, “Well, who wrote the rule on THAT?” “What if you changed your thoughts and perceptions about how you believe a husband ˜should’ be?” I asked that when she questioned what to do about her flailing marriage and the opinions she had of her spouse’s behavior. Those thoughts, perceptions and opinions were the expectations she’d created of her husband and her marriage. The expectations were the RULES of how she thought the marriage “should” be.

When I asked what it would be like for her to change her rules, her eyes welled with tears and she said, quite agitated, “So you’re telling me if I want to be happy in this marriage, I have to lower my expectations, and change what I think is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’?”

I entered cautiously. The answer was extremely important to her.

“No, you don’t have to lower your expectations. But, yes, you may have to change your definition of right and wrong.”

Compromise is NOT easy. Ask any married person – we know! But compromising isn’t about lowering your expectations, or giving up what is important to you. It *is*, sometimes, about making a choice on the thoughts, perceptions, judgments and opinions you choose to have about the various aspects of your marriage. Such as, who does the laundry? Who disciplines the kids? Do you both work, or is there a stay-at-home parent, and if there is, who stays and who goes?

In a family where your mother stayed home and your father worked, you may have learned that was the “right” way to do it. Having a mother that cooked all of your meals each evening, you may have learned that was the “right” way to have meals prepared for the family.

But what if you found yourself in a marriage where your husband wanted to stay home part time to watch the kids while you worked full time? What if your spouse didn’t cook and instead depended on you for dinner each evening? What if you wanted to have sex 3 times a week, but your spouse was content with sex 3 times a month? What if you perceived your spouse to be “weak” and unassertive, leaving you to make most of the household decisions?

Not all marriage problems are solvable, we know this. But some problems can be managed. Compromise is choosing to perceive a situation differently than how we’d previously believed it to be true. It’s bending your belief a bit, while keeping your high expectation – for your own life – intact.

There are no “rules” to marriage. And, there are no “rules” for life, either. There’s a tremendous amount of power when you realize you have the ability to think about a situation how you want to think about it.

Who says snack has to come after dinner? Where’s the rule that says that? What would happen if we changed it?

If you follow my TEA formula which states our thoughts create our emotions, and our emotions create our actions, you already know that what you think and perceive about a situation is what makes you feel the way you do.

So, when she asked, “Do I have to change what I think is right or wrong to be happy in this marriage?” my answer was a cautious, “Perhaps.” Sometimes, that may be the case.

Not only in marriage, but in all situations, if what you think about is not creating the emotion or action you want, then you may need to change your perception. In the case of my client, her decision will be in whether she is willing to examine a new belief or thought about the way her husband “should” be in this marriage. If she decides this is an unsolvable problem that she absolutely cannot compromise on, then she will have two choices: remain unhappy, or get out of the marriage.

Option three – change my spouse – is not an option. Sure, your spouse CAN change. But that’s not what you’re in control of. You only control your perception of your spouse’s behavior. You decide if this is a “rule” worth keeping.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Do this…no don’t do that….for goodness sake NEVER do that! You should do this. Be absolutely sure you always do that…

Being a parent is not for the faint-hearted. How do you decide whose advice to take…your parents, your friends, your church, TV, internet, your own little voice? One of the major decisions facing millions of parents every day is the “to daycare or not to daycare” conundrum.  For most it’s a necessity, a necessary evil. Others use it as a break from the henpecking from their precious bundles. However it’s used, all options should be considered. It’s not about being “right” or better than your neighbor, it’s about being informed about your choices and choosing the best one for your family.

According to a recent report by the National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies (NACCRRA), 63 percent of the nation’s children under five years of age are in some type of child-care arrangement every week;  most parents assume such programs are regulated to ensure the health and safety of their children.  In reality, that is often not the case.

You know the horror stories. And to top it off, just 10 states require unannounced inspections of child-care centers; only 12 states require caregivers working in child-care centers to have training in early childhood education prior to working with children; and a mere 10 states require caregivers who work from their homes to be licensed.

And, while 63% of children under five are in childcare, let’s not forget how critical the first five years of life are – 90 percent of brain development occurs during those years. “Forty-six percent of kindergarten teachers report that at least half of their students are not prepared to learn,” Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT).

Don’t get me wrong. There are good daycares out there, whether commercial or run out of a home. For example, a Parents.com report indicates that children in high quality child care have better social, math, and language skills, as well as fewer behavior problems. Moreover, several long-term studies have shown that kids in high-quality early childhood programs are significantly less likely to drop out of school, repeat grades, need special education, or commit crimes. In fact, a recent study by the Committee for Economic Development (CED) revealed that for every dollar invested in such programs, taxpayers receive a net benefit of $2 to $4, a significant boost to the long-term economic growth of the country.

Do your research and do the math…perhaps it’s costing you more to put your child in daycare.  I know, at one point, the daycare expenses exceeded my mortgage each month.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Easy for you to say! I have to work, I’m a single parent..what am I supposed to do?” You do what you need to do. If an outside daycare is the answer, that’s fine, but just do the balancing of pros and cons…can you go back to work later in your child’s development (is 6 weeks really enough time for your baby to get attached and bonded?), can you scale back work, can you change hours, can you enlist family members or close friends, can you cut back on expenses so maybe doing with less enables you to stay at home, or can you get involved and vote for the policy makers that make your child’s education and social development a high priority?

Can you work with your selected daycare on getting the message out that kids matter! Because after all, they will run the country some day, so perhaps putting in that extra effort up front, which pays out in spades, is worth it.

At the finish line you won’t look back and say, “I was right or she was wrong”…you’ll be too busy watching your children thrive in their best environment, because you’ll be empowered with the research, the pros and cons and the fact that you made the best decision possible.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

One of my favorite websites is one called Zero to Three. It’s a website dedicated purely to the research and development of children from conception through the age of three years.

My first inclination that I wanted to be in the helping profession was in Middle School. I grew up in a small town in West Texas that had basically only two groups of people: popular and not popular.   I suppose a third group would be those teetering between those two – some days your “in” and some days you’re very “out”. I was that person. I teetered.

The problem with teetering though, is that all people want to belong somewhere. It’s human nature to want to be part of a group. To have comradere.  To have people looking out for you and being your support system. Growing up, I’m not sure I felt like I had that. I lived in an “unsure” world.

My middle school experience I had was inherited from my early childhood development. How I learned to trust, be independent, and take up for myself against bullies was part of my foundational learned style. Couple that learned development with my personality trait of being very emotional and it led to some ill-equipped coping skills at a young age.

Understanding what is developmentally appropriate at any age is essential to parenting.  In later years, it’s essential to change.

We all want to know why we do some of the crazy stuff we do.  And, in order to know, we must look back in time at those early years.  Robert Karen wrote a great book on the topic of relationships.  He says, and others said before him, that early relationships shape our capacity to love.

Let’s think about this… ALL early relationships shape how we enter into any relationship – friendship, spousal, work – in the future.  That’s huge!

We’re born with a temperament style (cranky, happy-go-lucky, easy).  Environment acts on that temperament, adding to what we’re born with and creating layers upon layers of learned behavior.

It’s important that early caregivers understand their baby and child’s temperament because this dramatically affects parenting style.  We’ve all heard parents who say, “I parenting my children exactly the same, so I don’t know why Jason ended up so different and in trouble all the time!”  Well, that’s why.  Jason isn’t like Jill.  They must be parented differently.

As we move through life and have difficulties in certain areas, we have to take a look back in time and ask ourselves where we got stuck.  What did we learn about ourselves and the world around us, even if by accident?

A good friend tells the story set on a hot summer day in South Texas, a small house with had no air conditioning (think 110 degrees!).  She recalls lying her her head in her mother’s lap, resting there a minute and feeling so warm, snug, and secure.  But within a few seconds her mother said, “You’re making me hot!” and made her move.

As an adult, we can understand this scenario, right?  Extremely hot, child in lap, mom MERELY saying she’s hot.  But as a child, what she took away from this transaction was, “I don’t want to be close to you!”  One small translation, with no follow-up from Mom (this is key), and a message looms 20 years later:  ”You’re a burden.”

This may all sound simplistic on the surface, sure.  But digging deeper helps us realize WHY we inherit our learned messages.  And when we understand those, we can begin to unravel and relearn.

What is your first childhood memory?  What experiences do you feel shaped you most?  Do those core messages haunt you?  Let’s talk about it in the “comment” section below…

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Alain Bachellier

“When you have a baby you have five years of hard labor ahead of you.  If you don’t get it over in the beginning, you’ve got it coming to you later on.”  - Unknown

This quote is my excuse for why, in September, I just cracked open the March issue of one of my favorite local parenting magazines (Dallas Child).  And although I’ve never met the person who consistently drops off these gems, I always feel like a new present has arrived, and it’s my cue to indulge in fresh, inviting articles on topics most moms feel connected to (like easy summer vacations, how to organize, and where to meet other hip moms).

Just 5 minutes stood before me and my first client, so I wasn’t altogether prepared for the emotional welling-up I had while reading Hala Habal’s “first words” column.  It was her “multiple personalities” (that is, her private discussions with herself) that drew me in, but it was ultimately her ponderings about parenting that compelled me to put fingers to keyboard.

“I wonder with my entire mind and heart what is fundamentally different in a mother’s chromosomes that just won’t allow her to let go and do the best she can,” Hala puzzled over. “We [moms] all just end up feeling generally bad.  We feel bad when we are at work and not with our children; we feel bad when we are with our children that we are not at work.”

Hala wondered how it is that many dads put in two hours or less a day with their children, and seem to feel fine with that system.

Most working moms grapple with the guilt of not spending enough quality time with their children.  Even stay-at-home moms feel like they aren’t doing their best.  Still, there is something extraordinarily profound  about the mother-child bond.

Adding to the frustration of parenting is the contradictory research on what it takes to raise happy, healthy, successful children.

As one researcher says, “When parents know what to expect of children they usually do the right thing.”  Yet with so much conflicting information, it’s hard to know what children need.

Strong evidence suggests that the early mother-infant bond creates a blueprint for all other relationships throughout the lifespan.  Speaking as a mom, this is pretty scary!

On the topic of infants attaching to their mothers, there are two important points to know:

1.  All children have a need to attach to SOMEONE. This is usually mom, but it could also be dad, a nanny, grandma, or a child care provider.  Also, attachment is hierachial, which means babies find one consistent figure to attach with, and all others follow.  For instance, a nanny who spends more quality time with the infant/child than mom or dad may become the primary attachment figure for the child.  The nanny is the child’s “go to” person.

2.  Babies and children tend to attach to whoever spends the most quality time with them.  The attachment figure (usually mom) is what’s called a “secure base.”  This means that even though there may be many providers and people in the child’s life, the one person they ultimately feel most secure with is the person who they have come to trust and rely on above all else.  Mostly, this is mom (but sometimes, as in the case above, it could be someone else).

In cases where children are put in low-quality daycare, for example, where employee turnover is high, AND there is no quality time at home, the child may not have anyone to attach to.  The child doesn’t have a consistent “secure base.”

“They [Parents] may be dog-tired and consider themselves shorter-tempered than they could wish, but it is a great compensation to feel that they really matter, that no one else will do.”  - John Bowlby

Not only do moms have an incredible, unexplainable desire to nurture their child, but the child himself has an innate need to feel nurtured.  Their emotional well-being depends on this connection.  And, as one psychologist points out, “85% of the brain is developed in the first 5 years.”

The time when children are most likely to have the most damaging effects of parental neglect is a time when some parents don’t put in the most quality time.  I recall a friend telling me that after she picks her young daughter up from daycare around 5:30 she falls asleep.  Her daughter wakes up to eat dinner, then goes to bed for the night.  Inside, my heart ached, and I reflected, “It doesn’t sound like you get to spend that much time with her each day.”  And she said non-chalantly, “About an hour and a half.”

Very extreme cases show the detrimental effects of being withheld love and affection – something babies learn to trust they’ll receive as a first developmental milestone.

In the case of Danielle, left in a dark, dank room from birth until age 6, severe neglect created what’s called a “feral child.”  Danielle received food from a bottle and had shelter, but she was had no human touch.  At 6 years old she didn’t make eye contact, weighed 46 pounds and gummed food like a baby.  But Danielle wasn’t born that way!  She has what some call “environmental autism.”  (Read her story here.)

It’s hard to explain why some moms, like Danielle’s, don’t have the innate desire for connection other moms do (although perhaps we could look into their own childhood bonds for answers).  But it is a guarantee that Danielle craved love, affection, and nurturing, and when she didn’t have it, she was starved an emotional death.

As moms, we feel such guilt when we aren’t with our children because we instinctively know that we (and we alone) are their “go to” person.  We are their “secure base.”

We are who they turn to when they are frightened, shy, unsure, confused, and when they are in need of hugs, talks, eye-gazing, and warmth.  Playing legos and tracing letters for hours on end can be pure BOREDOM (it is for me, I admit!). But it’s not just the rote behavior that’s taking place – it’s the attachment.  It’s the connection BEHIND the tower-building, finger-painting, and doll-bathing sessions.  We crave it as much as they do because we know it’s what they NEED.

On my drive home from work today, like Hala and many others, I shifted quickly from “psychotherapist” to “mom” (from dress slacks and tailored hair to t-shirts and pony-tail).  As expected, when I walked in the house one of my toddlers ran to me yelling, “MOMMY!!!” with outstretched arms.

I braced myself for the CRASH I’d feel when she flung her arms around me that would inevitably throw me back.  Fresh on my mind was both my last client who felt lonely and unloved since her mom died at a young age, as well as the ponderings of Hala Habal.

I had the thought while in my daughter’s embrace, “How long is she going to continue squeezing me?”  It seemed to linger on for quite sometime, but I quickly answered myself, “As long as she needs to.”  It was about 7 minutes.  And probably the best 7 minutes of her day.  And mine.  We both needed that.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: angela7dreams

Guest post by Leo Babuta at Zen Habits.

“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.” - C.G. Jung

If you’re a hyperparent, you might not even know it — we parents tend to be in denial about that sort of thing.

But if you are, you might want to learn to relax — for your kids’ sake, and for yours.

Hyperparents are spotted when they are trying to educate their child from the womb, and expose them to the most intellectually stimulating music and art and literature before the kid can crawl. They obsess over everything, from whether the child is learning fast enough to how safe every single thing is to every little scrape and bruise. They are overprotective, overbearing, overwhelming to the child.

I admit, I was a hyperparent once, and still can be sometimes. It’s a habit I’m trying to break, with some success.

And for those of you who are hyperparents, and will admit it if only to yourselves, I’d like to share some things I’ve learned, in hopes that it’ll help.

Be forewarned that some of these suggestions take a very different approach to parenting than the traditional methods — I’m not suggesting everyone follow them, especially if you’re not willing to break with traditions. What I am suggesting is that these methods will help you relax, will help your child feel freer and less controlled and more able to explore and learn on her own, and could possibly result in a better relationship with your child and a happier child overall. I don’t have proof of that yet, but I have a strong hunch based on how my kids react when I do these things right.

1. When you get angry, pick them up and hug them. Instead of scolding or spanking or time outs or other controlling methods, try love. It’s a much better response, and you’re teaching your child through your actions rather than your words.

2. Make this your mantra: treat them with kindness, treat them with respect. Seems simple, but it’s surprising how little respect we give to kids, because they’re kids.

3. Drop your expectations of the child. Often parents have high hopes of the child doing well academically, or in sports, or of becoming a professional, when that’s not what the child wants. Or the parent hopes the child will be a certain type of person, and tries to steer the child toward that — a mild, kind child, or a bright, cheerful child, or a studious, hard-working child — but that’s not who the child is. Drop these expectations, and celebrate the child, as she is.

4. Let her play, let her explore. Stop being so overprotective. Allow the kid to be a kid. Let her run around outside, ride a bike, explore nature, play with fire. Teach her, of course, about safety and dangers, but let her be a kid.

5. Say yes, or some version of yes. Instead of saying no. Often parents have an instinct to say no. But this is controlling and stressful, to both child and parent. Stop trying to control the child, and give him some freedom. That doesn’t mean you can say yes all the time, because you have needs too, but it does mean you can say “Yes, we can do that … but perhaps later, when I’m done with what I have to do now.”

6. Stop trying to overeducate, and get out of the way. Parents try to impart all kinds of knowledge on kids. So do schools. But kids learn naturally, without us. Get out of the way, stop trying to force the kid to learn what you think he needs to learn. Encourage him to explore, and read, and figure stuff out. Get him excited about things. When he’s excited about something, he’ll learn. When you force it on him, he’ll do what he’s forced to do, but not learn much other than you’re controlling.

7. Just focus on making the next interaction with them positive. Many of these changes are difficult to make for parents, as we have deeply ingrained habits, stemming from our own childhood. So just focus on the next interaction. Just try to make the next one a good one. Don’t worry about when you screw up — just apologize if you’ve broken a trust, and move on.

8. Take a moment to pause, and see things from your child’s perspective. If you get angry, it’s because you’re only seeing things from your perspective. The child has a completely different view of things, and if you can understand that view, you won’t be mad at the child. You’ll try to make things better for her.

9. If the kid is “acting up”, try to figure out why, and meet that need. Often it’s a need for freedom, or attention, or love, or to be in control of his own life. Figure out what that need is, and find a more productive way to meet it.

10. The kid is already perfect as he is. You don’t need to change him. You don’t need to mold him into the perfect person. He’s already perfect, just as he is.

And now, relax. Enjoy every moment with your child, because they are too few, too impermanent. Trust me — my oldest daughter is 16, and I can’t believe how fast her childhood has come and gone. Cherish this time with them, and make every moment a good one. You’ll never regret those moments of happiness, those moments when you said yes, when you let your child play, when you stopped controlling and started loving.

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” - Red Buttons

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: orangeacid

Publisher’s note:  This article is intended for teenagers and parents of teenagers.

I’ve got a secret.  And, this little piece of information can change your life, I mean – REALLY CHANGE!

Here’s the thing:  You want your parents off your back.  You want to spend more time with friends, make your own decisions, and stop being treated you like you’re 10.  Right?  You and I both know you’re smart, capable of making good choices, and ready to be trusted.  But somehow, Mom and Dad missed the memo (or so it seems).

Only Two Things Stand Between You and Freedom

I’m about to tell you how you can change your relationship with your parents.  But first, there are two things that stand between you and a little more freedom.  There are only two reasons your parents won’t let you stay out later than 10:00pm (on the weekend!), hang out after the last movie with your friends, and bans you from texting that cute thing you met in biology class.

There are two reasons your parents can’t seem to loosen their grip.  They are very simple, so listen up:

1.  Your parents don’t trust you. I know…”Duh!”  But what’s important here is knowing WHY they don’t trust you, so you can do something about it.  If you’ve ever, since the age of 10, done something that questioned your ability to make a good decision in your parents eyes, you’ve lost some of their trust.  If you’ve done more than one thing, you’ve lost a lot more trust.  And if you’ve done things repeatedly that fall in the, “that was really dumb” category, you probably have no trust left.

This is going to sound a bit harsh, but it’s important so I’m going to be honest:  Not so long ago, you WERE a kid, and if you’re like anyone else on the planet, you HAVE done things that fall in the “that was really dumb” category.  There are many things, big and small, that could fall into this category:  you lied about your grades, you stayed out past curfew, you were caught texting your girlfriend at three o’clock in the morning, or you got busted smoking pot.  Maybe you snuck into an R-rated movie, lied about doing your homework, or skipped first period.

Whatever you’ve done, big or small, Mom and Dad will use those things to remind you how you absolutely CANNOT make good decisions, nor can you be trusted.  Now, you’re at a standstill.  You want them to trust you, but they won’t loosen the grip long enough for you to prove yourself.

2.  Your parents see you as a kid. If your parents saw you as the growing adult you are, they would allow you to make more decisions.

Your parents have always made decisions for you.  They decided what you ate (think squash, peas and ham!), what you wore, how you fixed your hair, and what activities you partcipated in.  Most likely, your parents told you what you could and could not do since they day you entered planet earth.

Somewhere along the way you stopped being a kid, but your parents didn’t notice.  Their “parent instinct” is still in high gear since you CLEARLY aren’t capable of making good choices (not!).  To make matters worse, if you’ve made a decision in the past that falls into the “that was really dumb” category, you’ve dug yourself a very big hole!

The Difference Between Parents, Adults, and Children

Most all parents are adults, but not all adults are parents.  Your goal is to have a more “adult” relationship with your parents.  Your parents have to move out of that “parent” role and start treating you more like an adult.  First, let me tell you the difference between a “parent” and “adult.”

• Parents are controlling people. They’re the ones who make and enforce rules.  They aren’t afraid to take control, have the final word and use discipline whenever they deam necessary.  While parents give children choices, parents have ultimate control.
• Children are dependent little people. They depend solely on parents to provide everything for them.  By nature, kids are self-involved and want immediate gratification.  They can’t do much for themselves, so they look to their mature, loving, responsible parents to do it for them.  Therein lies the future problem…
• Adults are responsible, mature people. Adults, like your friends, are respectful and trustworthy.  Mature adults aren’t demanding, don’t enforce rules, and aren’t controlling.  Having an “adult” relationship is about mutual respect, trust and understanding.

In order to gain more freedom, trust, and responsibility, your “adult parent” needs to see you behaving as an “adult child” – someone who is respectful and capable of making wise decisions.  Are you respectful?  Are you trustworthy?  If you can’t answer “yes” to both of these questions, it means you’ve been acting like a child.  And if you act like a child, you’re going to get a parent breathing down your neck!

You can see the logic here, right?  The more you make good choices, behave maturely, think wisely, and open up to your parents, the more they will loosen the grip.  The more you behave like an “adult,” the more your parents will have no choice but to move from “child parent” to “adult parent.”

There is only one thing that can help change the predicament you’re in:  Start acting more like an adult.

The truth is, you aren’t a kid anymore. Your parents won’t loosen their grip overnight.  They have a bit of changing to do, too!  Give it some time, and always think about what a mature, responsible adult would do in any situation. With time, you’ll have a more loving, trusting, and open relationship with your ADULT parents!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

 

photo credit: lscan

EDITORS NOTE:  This is a guest post from Patrice Dunn, M.Ed., LPC.  

I remember people asking, “Did you get your driving license from the Cracker Jack  box?  Funny, right?  Well how about, “Where did you learn to parent, TV?”  I can remember watching TV when I was young and wishing I lived like the Brady’s or that I had an Aunt Bea like Opie on the Andy Griffith Show.  When I was mischievous like Beaver Cleaver or Dennis the Menace I could only wish that my dad was as calm and level headed as the Fathers of that time.  It did become clear at an early age that even with parents like Archie Bunker or George Jefferson one could grow able to except others that are different like Gloria Bunker and Lionel Jefferson learned to do.

Then along came the Cosby Show.  By this time America was being more honest about family dysfunction and so everyone related to some part of the show and desired to make a change to be more like the Cosby’s.  That show set a new standard for family life and parenting styles.  For the most part the kids were obedient, parents were hardworking and committed to spending quality time, and when conflict did arise the parents would talk and agree on the consequences. 

Finally, if we fast forward to today we see TV shows with parenting role models like the Simpsons, Osbournes, Peg and Al from Married with Children, and Hal and Lois Wilkerson from Malcolm in the Middle.  The TV parenting role models of today apparently have a different set of objectives than those back in the day which portrayed respect for parents and their roles like the Cleavers, daily life lessons from Claire and Healthcliff Huxtable, to parents that sneak, manipulate, and lie as part of parenting. 

Most research agrees on four types of parenting styles:  Authoritative, Permissive, Uninvolved, and Assertive. 

1.  The Authoritative parent is known as strict and uses external control to teach right and wrong, but their goal is to teach respect and obedience and provide structure. 
2. Permissive Parents spends a lot of time negotiating and explaining with their child.  This parent wants to be like and therefore sets low expectations. The Permissive parent wants the child to always be happy gives too much freedom and provides excessive material goods. 
3. The Uninvolved parent is disengaged and often times neglectful.  This parent will defer to others to while overlooking opportunity to teach and communicate with their children.  In this case the children report that the parent hardly knows them. 
4. The Assertive parent is like a coach.  There is a balance between motivation, instruction, and correction.  “The Coach” creates clear guidelines and rules, teaches responsibility and good decision making skills, and maintains authority.  Where I think there are advantages and disadvantages in all four types, the assertive parent is the most desired.  Many parents might find that they have fall into more than one category of parenting style.

My challenge to you is to examine your parenting roots.  If you find yourself struggling to manage the day-to-day demands of parenting, look at your TV role models, your parents, and those of your co-parent if applicable.  That is your starting point and from there the transition to more effective parenting strategies becomes more obtainable.

Patrice Dunn M.Ed., LPC is the presenter of the “I Need a Parent, Not a Friend” workshop.  For additional information on upcoming workshops feel free to contact her at patrice@ichoosechange.com.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

“Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team”

Doesn’t it sometimes feel like this is what we’ll just have to do, in order to make it all WORK?

We’re all busy with work, family, kids, and social lives.  We also engage in a balancing act between all the roles we play in our lives.

As we’re pulled in many directions on a daily basis, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to focus on what REALLY matters?  What if you could design your life so that you spend just the right amount of time, in just the right way, so that you could stop feeling like a tug-of-war rope, and even have time for yourself?

The essentials of a happy life are fewer than we think, if we are able to find the right balance between time and quality.

Quality or Quantity?  What’s most important for a healthy family?

Please voice your thoughts in the comments section.

 

Yesterday was full of excitement, but ended with me in tears.  Valentines is a day we celebrate the “romantic love” part of our relationships, and per usual, my husband had some surprises up his sleeve!

My twins were so excited when they gave me valentine’s treats while I was in the bathroom, on hands and knees, breathing hard and scrubbing the baseboards with a toothbrush (sometimes I get anal this way).  Lily had a box of candy and two cards, and Ayla carried an armful of roses.

We had childcare in the evening while we had dinner at our favorite spot – Café Izmir.  Then, we dashed off to see the one woman show – Motherload - the story of parenting swimming in a sea of guilt.

Written and performed by Amy Wilson, she dialogues about her life as a mom of children all under the age of 5.  I knew it was bound to be a good show when I saw how the set looked just like my house – toys all over the floor, clean laundry bunched up in a basket, and shoes scattered about.

Discussing the pressures of pregnancy, breastfeeding, mom’s groups, and the constant confusion us moms have over the latest study done about the BEST way to raise your child, I was instantly connected to Amy’s experience.  Several times, she heard the little voice in her head saying, “Are you doing the BEST you can do with your child, so they aren’t screwed up for LIFE?”

That’s a funny question, yes, but one we moms constantly hear.  The messages are all around us:  “breast is best,” plastic equals danger, your child watches EVERYTHING you do, all day long, and organic foods are the only option, among many others!  And, as moms we’re taught if we don’t do exactly as the stories say we should, our children are doomed to a life of therapy and failures.

We’re bad parents if we let our babies cry it out, and bad parents if we don’t.  We’re bad parents if we breast feed on demand, and bad parents if we don’t.  We’re bad parents if we don’t have our children in numerous activities to stimulate “optimal cognitive and social development,” and bad if we do because then we’re not spending quality time with them.  It seems like we can’t win!

I cracked up through the entire show, except the very end, when I burst into tears. 

Amy had been dialoguing what most of us moms feel a majority of the time – that being a mom is a STRUGGLE, and we find ourselves with one eye on the clock at all times, hoping bedtime would come sooner.  We look around our house and feel guilty about the mess, guilty about what we didn’t do with the kids to provide for their “optimal development,” and guilty that all we want is time alone.  We want to read a magazine cover to cover, finish a cup of coffee while it’s still hot, take a long, hot shower while shaving AND exfoliating, and put the toys away and have them STAY away for longer than 30 minutes.

Yes, most of us wish for “a time when…” until we remember, as Amy did, that before we know it, we’ll be sipping our hot coffee while after just having a hot shower and finishing a magazine.  We’ll look around the house where there once were toys, remembering how this time, right now, with our small kids and all the chaos that comes with them, were the best days of our lives. 

Photo credit greekadman at Flickr.