A client said to me, “I’m just trying to be more mindful. Most people don’t even know what that is.”

You know what? I think he’s right. If I had to sum up mindfulness in one sentence, it would be: To think about what you’re thinking about.

The purpose of mindful meditation is to become aware of the present moment without any pressure to do, think, or be anything other than what you are doing, thinking, or being at that very moment. 

No need to worry about the past because it has already happened. No need to contemplate the future because it hasn’t yet happened. Just bring awareness to this very moment, as it is, without any judgment, because our present moment is always changing. 

Sri Swami Venkatesananda suggests that you can ruin the practice of meditation by stating the benefits of meditation, because you introduce a goal into something meant to be goal-less. 

He says, “The moment you introduce a goal to meditation, it is gone. Happiness in life comes not by manipulating what you want to achieve but by paying attention to something seemingly totally unconnected with it.” 

I would agree. However, I might be getting way of head for those of you who are already scratching your head and wondering, “I don’t even know what this meditation thing is and why it’s important to do, let alone how to ruin it!” 

For those of you out there, here are the first steps, the essential how-tos, the building blocks to success. Your simple guide. 

In this one article here, I will not only list reasons to meditate, but make the practice of meditation easy. 

The List of Reasons Why You Should Meditate

1. Heal your mind and your body. Because your body and your mind are intimately connected, it’s important to know how your thoughts, beliefs, and emotions affect the physical well-being of your body. Prolonged stress without relief, for example, can cause headaches, upset stomach, high blood pressure, heart problems, and high cholesterol and can contribute to depression and anxiety symptoms. Want more on this connection? Read WebMD’s article on the stress’ effects. 

2. Escape the noise. Our lives are filled with noise. All three kinds of noise:

• Physical noise like people’s talking, music, television, or anything externally that distracts your immediate train of thought.
• Psychological noise of your judgments, thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, and internal biases you bring to every conversation or situation.
• Physiological noise like a headache, stomachache, or other bodily functions that may disrupt your current train of thought.

Meditation is a practice to free you from all three. It helps you create a quiet space for yourself where you put your judgments, stereotypes, and biases aside and distance your mind from any physical symptoms you may feel at the present moment.

3. Improve mood and immune function. Research suggests mindfulness meditation helps with a whole host of conditions. For instance, mindful meditation seems to help ease the symptoms of anxiety, and practitioners in one study had a better immune response to the flu vaccine than those who did not meditate. 

Another study found that cancer patients who did mindfulness meditation for seven weeks had 31% lower stress symptoms and 67% less mood disturbance than those who did not meditate. 

The National Institute of Health’s Center of Complimentary and Alternative Medicine has done research on the effects of meditation on various ailments, including eating disorders, rheumatoid arthritis, heart disease, HIV, depression, and lower back pain. Results in all these studies looked good.

The Purpose of Meditation 

Meditation doesn’t have to be involve you sitting Indian-style wearing a robe (though there is a reason this image is part of the tradition–which I’ll touch upon in Part 2).

Really, to get started, all you need is the intention to quiet your mind.

Why quiet your mind? That noise we talked about before, remember? 

Also, by quieting your mind, you are then able to actually HEAR yourself THINK. 

If you’ve followed all my posts here, you’ll know that I wholeheartedly believe in the power of your thoughts. They control your every emotion and action. So you better know what you’re thinking! 

I tell my clients–and now I’m telling you: You need to think about what you’re thinking about. It’s a very important aspect of change. But it’s not easy to do unless you quiet your mind.

OK, OK, you get it. But after all this talk about quieting your mind, how do you do it?  Stay tuned!  If your taste buds have been tempted, you won’t want to miss Part 2 of Meditation Made Easy!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Smabs Sputzer

The media these days has sure created a whole lot of hype about “mindset”.   So I’m officially giving my two cents of what mindset development is, and how you can actually change it. You can because there really is a psychology to mindset. Wouldn’t you like to know what it is?

Just do a search in your favorite Web browser for the word “Mindset.” You’ll get thousands of searches, but you’ll also be hard-pressed to find one source online that understands how mindset works. Some might, sure. But with so many gurus and experts claiming to be able to help you evolve just by changing one (not so) teeny thing, wouldn’t it be useful to know the truth?   That is, the truth about the psychology BEHIND the curtain of mindset.

I think so too! So here it is. Mindset is really just about mind-shift. It’s about the way you see the world. Think of mindset as the pair of lenses you choose to look through at the world. You can wear rosy or gray.

The truth is, your consistent thoughts only add to the positive, or negative, outlook of your life. This is what they mean by “self-fulfilling prophecy.”  Those media gurus and I agree that you must change your mindset to have the happiness you want.    

But it is NOT ENOUGH for me to tell you to simply “change your mindset” and wait for the magic happen.

That’s like me saying, “I’ll drop a little fairy dust on your head, and your mind will instantly be cleared of all the goo.” Sorry, mindset change doesn’t work that way. No wonder so many frustrated humans are scurrying about in our society, looking for the NEXT guru that can answer, “How can you make me happy?”

Wait no more. I can answer that question. The truth about mindset change is that it’s so easy, you might wonder if fairy dust is involved. And you might wonder why you spent thousands of hours paying someone to help you be happy when I’m giving it to you for free. (You’re welcome!) 

I’m going to describe something I call the “Mind Tree.” Draw this out on a piece of paper as I explain it so it makes more sense. 

The trunk of your tree is a simple formula: thoughts create emotions; emotions create actions. Then two main branches spawn from thoughts: conscious and subconscious. Those are the two types of thoughts–the first you can easily tap into and are aware of and the second you can’t easily access. These subconscious thoughts lurk in the background of your mind. 

Your habitual thoughts are your mindset. These are the thoughts you have to change if you want to change your mindset. But here’s the kicker: Your conscious thoughts make up only about 15% of your total thoughts, maybe less! Your subconscious thoughts make up the other 85%. Draw this on your mindset tree. Let it sink in. That means in order to change your mindset, you have to tap into those thoughts you don’t even know you’re thinking. Bad news, right? 

Well, not so fast. You can change your subconscious programming. There are so many ways, and that’s where a GOOD guru comes in! From my pre-frontal cortex to yours (that’s where your conscious thoughts are stored), here are just a few to get you started:

1. Identify which subconscious thoughts are no longer serving you well. They may sound something like this: “I am never good enough. Money doesn’t grow on trees and doesn’t come easy. Hard work is the only work that pays, etc.” You can see how just one subconscious thought can create a whole heap of trouble, can’t you? 

2. Choose to change.  Oh, yes, you know I had to say it. CHOOSE to change! The reality is, most people figure out what subconscious thoughts are actually holding them back but then won’t do anything about it. Making the decision to take action is a very big step. And it’s vital. 

(The reasons for not taking action are a whole therapy session in itself, so we’ll save that for another time!)

3. Implement tools. Create new habitual thoughts, affirm what is truth, post sticky notes all over your house and in your car, use EFT, journal ad nauseum, use a “change buddy” for motivation, have lucid dreams, talk about your change efforts until you are sick, and keep moving in THAT direction, not the OTHER direction.

You have so many ways to change your negative subconscious programming. One popular phrase is “Just Do It!” But what happens when “Just Do It” doesn’t work? 

No, it’s not a matter of willpower or strength. And it’s not an issue of character. It’s about stick-to-itiveness, practice, and consistent follow-through. 

Yes, there is a psychology to mindset. Can you call it a day just by knowing that? No, but once you face those negative subconscious thoughts, you can shout from the rooftop “JOB DONE!”

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Pandiyan

Editor’s note:  I originally posted this in October 2008.  The content is still relevant today as I’m revisiting authenticity!

I have found it – the definition of authenticity! Sure, there are plenty of Toms, Dicks, and Harrys out there who claim to know all about “authentic” life styles. They say, “Listen to me. I can guide you to happiness!” Then they charge you an arm and a leg. But I think I have found the real definition of authenticity. Here it is, for free I might add. (You’re welcome!)

It comes by way of Brian Goldman, a graduate student at the University of Georgia in Athens. He was digging through centuries-old research and philosophy when he uncovered what I think is a pretty great definition:

“The unimpeded operations of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.

Ohhh … pretty! How simple and sweet is that, huh?

I agree completely with it too, which you probably already knew because I’ve been using the same definition of authenticity for quite sometime now.

Another one of my favorites is Neil Lark Warren’s 10 Characteristics in Finding Contentment. I’ve also recently been struck by so-called physical acts of authenticity, which the authors outlined in a newer issue of Psychology Today.

These physical acts of authenticity are:

1. Meditate. Think of it only as a way to get to your “happy place,” not a technique to influence outside forces. For instance, why do you work? To earn money to buy pretty things. Why do you meditate? To achieve internal happiness. I can handle that.

2. Be Deliberate. Be conscious that you have choices. You can choose to change (“I choose change” anyone?), or you can choose to stick with what you have. You can choose to move forward, go backward, or do nothing at all. Being deliberate simply means acting consciously, with purpose.

3. Act Intuitively. Sure, you got me; this runs counter to No. 2. But as we’ve talked about before, acting consciously can sometimes be detrimental when too much rationalizing and reasoning gets in the way of your gut feelings. Don’t be afraid to follow your instincts. They’re there to guide you forward.

4. Create Solitude. There’s nothing like shutting down–on purpose–so you can recharge. We’re talking power down your blackberry, shut your door, turn off the TV and the laptop, and provide yourself the space to just thing and be. Authentic people regularly look inside and listen to their intuition, but they can’t do this with all the chaos of the modern world swirling around them.

5. Stay Connected. Thomas Moore, author of A Life at Work, says, “Community is an outlook toward life in which you define yourself in relation to the world around you, rather than only in connection with yourself.” Community, he is saying, is a way to enlarge our own sense of self.

6. Play Hard. Don’t hold back when doing what you really love, whether it’s tennis, running, art, dancing. It allows you to fully express who you are at your core.

7. Be Willing to Lose. Authentic people know that failure is part of growing. You must be willing to stare down your failures, learn from them, and move forward if you are to live an authentic life.

I take no credit for the above definitions.  But I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of taking personal responsibility for life’s challenges.  That means peering inside for answers on why we do what we do, feel what we feel, and think what we think.  It’s only through an authentic life that we can look internally, and take personal responsibility.  Personal responsibility is the  genius of change!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Torsten Hofmann

The spirit of football in Texas is as monstrous as the state itself!

And with the season among us, many will start cheering their favorite team to win the big game.  Some will become obsessed with supporting their teams – from making road trips to far-away games to yelling like a schoolgirl at their television.

Growing up in a small Texas town, attending a football game be THE thing to to on a Friday night.  One of the cheerleader favorites was to grab a megaphone and shout at the top of their lungs in unison to the opposing cheerleaders and crowd, “We’ve got SPIRIT, yes we do. We have spirit HOW, ’bout you?”

The crowd would be CRAZY with excitement; they would shout back the same cheer but with even more exuberance! This strange act would continue for a while, until one of us just pooped out from the sheer energy and excitement of the shouting. We were dizzy with enthusiasm.

As cheerleaders, they knew when to arouse the crowd with this type of cheer. It was when our own team was struggling or when the crowd itself seemed to have lost interest in the game. The minute we started this yell, the crowd came ALIVE.

The crowd went from zero to ten in a matter of seconds!

So, just WHY did this cheer create such hysteria? Here’s why:

• Even For A Short Time Everyone Mattered
• Each Person Became A Part Of Something Bigger
• We Were All In It Together, And
• The Momentum Was Intoxicating

As a family life coach and counselor, I often have people say to me “I want to change, but I just don’t have any support.” Some say, “I know I have to do this, but I’m not sure how my spouse would take it.” Others proclaim, “I’m just not sure I can do it.”

Even with answers being given to most clients on a silver platter, change is still very difficult.  In fact, most won’t change.

School is starting, Fall is around the corner, and the heat wave of Summer is about to end.  It’s a good time to reconsider what aspects of your life you need to tweak.  Using tips we learned as football fans can help propel you into action.

Consider getting involved in a group where you matter, where you are part of something bigger, were you have access to other people, and where the momentum is intoxicating!

Life change is no small feat, and we need other people on our team to support us through.   We need others who are willing to cheer us on with an awe-inspiring amount of encouragement.

The saying, “You are who you know,” points to the fact that it is of the utmost importance to surround yourself with people in your life who will CHEER for you and for what you desire your life to be.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Daquella manera

You don’t have to listen to country music to know that relationships ain’t easy. Having success in them can almost seem like a game of chance. After all, experts will tell you that any one marriage has but a 50-50 chance of success. That’s a scary way of looking at things–and completely wrong. There are ways you can keep your relationships strong no matter what comes at you. One surefire way is to make sure that your relationship “bank account” is always in the black. It’s not too hard to imagine your relationship with your spouse–or anybody else in your life–as a relationship bank account. What are you “investing” in this bank account? Your emotions, your attentions, your affections, your kindness.

Sometimes you could have relationships that are in the red, in arrears even! But if your relationship account is in the black, that means
you could have a “debit” and still remain in the clear–still in the black.

Not sure still what the black and the red mean?

You probably have already felt what I mean with these relationship bank accounts with the various people you have relationships with. When you are in the black, you feel comfortable around them, can feel their warmth when they see you, and have no tension between you. But when you are in the red, you might not feel trust or trusted, or you might feel like the other person is misreading your words, or perhaps you are looking too much into theirs.

Let’s use that example of a marriage again for another illustration of a relationship bank account. When you are in the black in a marriage, you have an overflowing emotional, sexual, and spiritual connection to your partner. You feel loved and respected, and you are making sure your partner feels the same way. If this is the case, you two will be able to weather a crisis without your relationship being torn asunder. We’re talking a major crisis, like a death in the family, a financial blowup, or a serious sickness, but a “crisis” could also be those everyday varieties that pop up, like missing your partner’s birthday because of a business trip. Or how about if you’ve been spending more time lately with your friends than your spouse? In a healthy relationship–one in the black–these situations might prompt a conversation, but things will be worked out and that relationship bank account will still have a nice balance in it at the end of the day. But in an unhealthy relationship in the red, even the little incidents can trigger what seems like the end. You and your spouse will argue, stop talking, feel frustrated in each other’s presence. The couch might become one of your beds.

Feelings of being taken for granted, of being disrespected, can lead to broken hearts and lost love. And I’m not even talking about a real crisis, like a death or illness.

So, how’s your relationship bank account?

Feeling a little low? Nervous to check your balance? Don’t be. One simple way to turn your relationship bank account in good order is to start first with your own account. Are you personally running on empty, feeling emotionally in the red? Build yourself back to emotional health, and your personal bank account will overflow into your relationship bank accounts. After all, if you feel like you don’t have time for yourself and your own happiness, how will you tend to your spouse’s happiness? Give yourself a little love, and you’ll have more than enough to spare for others.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Have you ever found yourself trekking through life quite nicely, when all of a sudden the bottom falls out? When something so drastically changes, taking you by complete and utter surprise, that you’re blindsided by the reality of your new existence, one that will never, ever, ever be the same? The company you’re working for goes bankrupt and you’ve suddenly lost all of your money. Your wife announces the paperwork for divorce is already complete on her end; all you have to do is sign. The death of a loved one brings you to your knees.

Any of these events are ones you didn’t ask for, and certainly don’t deserve, but now you’re left to deal with them. They create   darkness so thick in your life that sometimes you even wish the light switch would be turned off completely. You become heavy with the torment of depression, anger, and despair so horrendous that you can’t fathom a way out.

One Thing is Always Certain

We’ve all heard the saying: The only thing you can count on is change. It is true, and yet when you’re in the big middle of the horror, you can’t claw you’re way out. Even if you’re one of those that believe there’s a reason for everything, when something so life changing occurs, it’s hard to see a lesson.

Have you found yourself in the same situation more than once? You find yourself in the same long, droning conversations with your children or your spouse, saying the exact same thing to each other over and over. Or, you are in the same dead-end job that you found yourself in multiple times before. “How did this happen AGAIN?” you ask. Patterns emerge when you aren’t paying attention.

No Pointing Fingers

If you find yourself in the same situations over and over again, chances are you are playing a significant role, even it if appears on the outside that something happened TO YOU. It feels sometimes as if the event is THRUST upon you without your wanting it to occur. But if there is a pattern to the same emotional or spiritual distress of the scenarios of your life, only you can break the cycle. Some things ARE your fault, and it might be time to wake up and smell the roses.

The next time you find yourself saying, “It’s not my fault” you may need to instead ask the question, “What did I do to get in this place once again?” This would be the time to figure out what you’ve done to create the situation you’re in. I know for some who read this, it will be a radical shift in reality, and it may even make you angry to hear me say it. However, change occurs when we’re willing to eyeball ourselves in a mirror rather than looking at the world through a magnifying glass. Taking responsibility of your life, and the change you create, means not placing blame on anybody or anything for your life.

In her book, “There’s a Hole In My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery,” Portia Nelson simply yet eloquently explains habit. Here is an excerpt from her “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”:

Chapter 1:

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost…I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to get out.

Chapter 2:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep home in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in…it is a habit.

My eyes are open

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5:

I walk down another street.

The “hole” Portia talks about are our patterns. Be daring enough to take a look at the patterns in your life, and then be even bolder as to ask what you did to create the reoccurrence. Be willing to say, “I take responsibility,” and get out of the hole you’ve gotten yourself into immediately. Then, don’t go near the hole.

Our patterns are our habits – those neural pathways we trust our brains will always create, even when we aren’t aware of it. What we create in our lives, we can also re-create, and this fact alone is so freeing and powerful! Especially the habits we don’t like, but all of them, can be changed for good, when we merely have our eyes wide open, know where we are, take responsibility, and simply do not repeat the pattern.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

What we know about our belief system – also called thoughts, habits or conceptual framework – remains pretty solid in the field of psychology. The terms may differ but the concept behind them is the same.

Just in case, though, let’s recap exactly how a belief system works

• Whatever we practice becomes a habit (or belief).
• Habits (Beliefs) are rooted in our subconscious, where they function without our awareness or our permission.
• Since habits (beliefs) are alive, they will, like anything living, fight to stay alive.
• We have learned to feel certain ways, out of habit (belief).

It may not seem fair, but what was created as habit years and years ago, still remains within the psyche today. Insisting on dessert after every meal, running late to work most days, drinking coffee in the morning, sitting in traffic on the expressway on the way to work (instead of taking the train), fighting with the spouse about money, feeling sad during the holidays – all habits! I could go on and on.

Habits are at work in all of us right now, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. And because habits are so cunning and commanding, they get in the way of any positive life developments that are being made.

Three Outs

Our backs get up when new information conflicts with our old habits. We tend to opt for “outs” so we don’t have to embrace the new idea. Earnie Larsen, in his book, Stage II Recovery, explains three ways we use our “outs” to our detriment.

As a Psychotherapist and Life Coach, these “outs” are rampant in the consulting room and it is the number one reason that clients quit. “Quit” is such a harsh word to use, however, only 10% of those who begin therapy actually end therapy because they feel they’ve received what they needed so ending was a natural (and desired) transition. Instead, they QUIT because they just aren’t able to fit the new information into their old way of thinking and believing.

Often, what is seen is the person who has gone to therapist after therapist or coach after coach, was searching for one who believed what he did. In other words, if a client hears somethign from Therapist X that they don’t like (it doesn’t fit into their current belief system), they’ll move along to Therapist Y. When the going gets rough there, and they hear somethign that again doesn’t fit their current way of thinking (their current belief system), they’ll move on to Therapist Z.

Along the way, the client who can’t seem to fit the new information into their old way of thinking will use Out#1 by discrediting the new information given to them, Out #2 by discrediting the person who told them the new information and, finally, Out #3 when they say, “I’m out of here. This is quackery!” They move on to yet another new therapist or coach. And, probably, the cycle continues to repeat.

Change or Die

Embracing the idea that whatever we do over and over and over again, ad-nauseum, becomes habit, will make us aware that every single thing we do, say and feel is, in fact, a habit! Even this idea may be a new one for you, but don’t “out” it yet…

The reality is, if someone has been depressed for a very long time, the depression is now a habit – it’s engrained in the belief system. If we haven’t slept in the same bed with our spouse in 5 years, the behavior is now a habit – it’s just part of the pattern and life that is now engrained. When our physician tells us we now have high cholesterol and high blood pressure, and we still don’t start to work out or change our eating habits, it is because of what is engrained in us. These are our habits. These are our beliefs.

And, of course, we can use the excuse, “This is the way I am and I can’t change.” Not so! This is merely removing yourself from the source of the conflicting information (Out #3) by being in denial of a new (and challenging) reality.

Old habits die hard, but they simply must die if any real change is going to occur. The power of persuasion is huge and there is a constant battle between what WAS and what WILL BE. In the middle is habit.

As Alan Deutschman remind us in Change or Die, we are more likely to die than to change. But if we are to be one of those 10% who really WILL change, we must embrace, know and believe, no matter what, that the three ‘outs’ given above are real and true.

(This article is Part 1 of a 2 part series. Read more about Alan Deutschman’s “Change or Die” concept in next week’s article.)

Your Assignment this Week:

Think about the information in the above article. Be honest with yourself (Naked Truth!) and list some of your habits. Now, which of those habits would you like to change because they bring about negatives in your life? Think on THOSE habits this week – hold onto the list – then read next week’s Part 2 to find out how to change.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

 

photo credit: ViaMoi

As far as I’m concerned, cognitive therapy is the “shiznit” of all therapies.  For the “therapist-seeking” individual, this may not mean much.  But perhaps it should – and I don’t use that term lightly (should).  This is a term we in the Cognitive Therapy world term as “shoulding all over yourself.” 

Cognitive therapy says this:  What you feel and do is directly affected by what you think and believe.

 When you change what you think and believe, you ultimately change what you feel and do.  And, isn’t that the reason ALL people seek out therapy or life coaching of some sort?  100% of my clients seek outside assistance because they’ve grown incredibly tired of feeling something they don’t want to feel (like anxious, fearful, angry, or depressed) and doing things they don’t want to do (like drinking too much, yelling at their kids, or sleeping the day away).

For as long as I’ve been in private practice, I’ve had a sheet posted on my website, accessible to all entitled “Train Your Therapist.”  While searching for a therapist, this isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” gig.  Afterall, you’re looking for a therapist that will help you change your LIFE.  This *is* a tall order, isn’t it?  So the search is one that mustn’t be taken lightly!

So, what is the nitty-gritty of cognitive therapy and why do I boast it’s name so proudly?

Cognitive therapy is about changing “twisted” thinking.  There are common errors we make on a regular basis that get us in to trouble in conversations with others.  Because every one of us perceives differently, we tend to get hung up on “the truth.”  The truth is essentially, YOUR truth and MY truth.  We have different perceptions.

Let me give you an example of distorted thinking:

1. Mind-Reading – Assuming you know what another person thinks and feels is mind-reading.  We do this often in relationships when we think we know what our spouses will say and do before they’ve even done it.
2. Reverse Mind-Reading – Assuming another person who is close to you, such as your spouse, should automatically be able to read YOUR mind, knowing exactly what you feel, what you want, and what you think.
3. Fortune-Telling – Thinking you know what the future holds, and thereby acting as if it’s already occurring.  Hence, a self-fulfilling prophecy happens – what you don’t want to happen inevitably happens because you’ve acted in a way to sabotage the current situation, by thinking you know what the future holds.
4. Emotional Reasoning – Judging situations, yourself and others based on how you feel, unwittingly creating the exact situation you DON’T want to happen because you have convinced yourself your emotions are “the truth.”
5. All or Nothing Thinking – Seeing at the world in absolutes, with no shades of gray.  Black and white thinking is the essence of fighting for “the truth,” without regard or understanding of the fact that there are, in fact, many truths and many perceptions in one situation!
6. Overgeneralization – Creating sweeping conclusions about yourself, someone else, or a situation thereby denying other “truths.” 
7. Mental Filter – Discounting what is going well, and focusing only on negative traits and behaviors of a situation or person.  This means filtering out other qualities, thereby turning a blind eye to other aspects and characteristics of a situation or person.
8. Should Statements – Criticizing yourself, someone else, or a situation based on what you feel “should, shouldn’t, must, or ought” to happen.  This is fighting for an unspoken “truth,” wreaking havoc when these “shoulds” don’t come to pass.
9. Labeling – Placing a label on someone else, yourself, or a situation thereby boxing them in to your “truth.”  For example, after an argument with an acquaintance, you may now label this person as a “jerk” from here on out.
10. Blame – Lacking the ability to take personal responsibility and instead, blaming others or yourself as the cause of a problem.  “Other blame” creates anger, frustration and resentment over time.  “Self blame” creates self-loathing, depression, worthlessness and guilt.

The biggest frustrations, resentments, and emotional turmoil occur because we hold onto a false idea of what “the truth” is.  We are entitled to what we believe about a situation, but so is everyone else. 

The popular John Meyer song, “Belief” says this:

Everyone believes
In how they think it ought to be
Everyone believes
And they’re not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water
You never can hit who you’re trying for

The real truth is, there are many truths.  We can “undisturb” ourselves when we’re able to stop twisting our own thinking and look at situations from a different truth.  We don’t have to believe that truth, but we do have to at least be able to look at it objectively if we’re going to have less emotional angst.

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photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Each time I mention positive affirmation to my clients, my mind goes through the “Stuart Smalley” Saturday Night Live spoof. You know the one. Where Stuart (a.k.a., Al Franken) looks in a full-length mirror and proclaims, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”

And at the same time, I can see the look on my client’s faces, saying, “Seriously? That never works!”

Some clients have even recited the phrase to me in a mocking way.

OK, OK, I get it. Positive affirmations have gotten a bad wrap. (It’s gotten me one too!)

But there are times when we need SOMETHING to turn our negative ship around. When we have nothing else to grasp … except a positive phrase. One of those situations when you have to laugh just so you don’t break down in tears.

I had one such situation last night: my third night alone with twin toddlers while my husband was away on business. Lily had a painful ear infection that kept her in a constant state of crankiness and neediness. Ayla had a cold that had her coughing all night, unable to sleep. Any parent knows, it ain’t easy catering to a toddler’s every need, let alone when there are two of them and they whine for hours on end!

At 5 a.m., Lily stood up by her bed yelling, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”

Of course, this woke up her sister. So I had to rush in there, only to find Lily’s temperature shot up to 101 degrees and all she wanted is, well, her mommy.

Instead of bringing Lily to my bed, which never works out well, I settled down in her toddler bed to hold her until she calmed down. My legs were hunched up, my backside was freezing as it hung off the other side of the bed so as not to disrupt the comfort level of Lily, her baby doll, and her teddy bears.

While lying there, exhausted and ready to break into tears, I instead chose to use positive affirmations.

Yes, I use positive affirmations a lot. As I said, I think positive affirmations have gotten a bad wrap. When done properly, they CAN work. But many of us have been taught the Stuart Smalley rendition and just feel downright corny doing them.

So, instead of going the SNL route, here are my steps for saying positive affirmations that REALLY work:

1. Develop a positive mindset. In other words, make the choice to turn to the positive rather than the negative. Making this decision comes from the power you have in making your own choices. You always have the option to think negatively, but choose to think positively if you want to change your circumstances and feelings. Just remember me with Lily, when I decided not to cry or even think about the word “tired.”

2. Understand what a positive affirmation is, and what it isn’t. Positive self-talk is made up of short affirmations to yourself that help tell your subconscious mind what you really want to be thinking–instead of those negative thoughts it’s already got going. You are replacing negative words and thoughts with positive ones while telling your subconscious mind how you want it to behave.

It’s essential that your underlying messages about yourself and your worldview be positive in order to produce a positive outcome because your subconscious thoughts are at work even when you aren’t aware they are.

3. Know your feelings to gauge what you’re really thinking. Many of us will say, “I don’t think I have negative thoughts,” or “I don’t really even know what I’m thinking.” The reality is, you have about 60,000 thoughts per day, and 85% of those are subconscious. That means that you may not even be aware that a negative thought is working behind the scenes. They affect every action you take, I might add!

One great way to know there is a negative thought at play is to assess how you feel. I felt tired and drained with Lily at 5 in the morning. I heard myself say, “Not again! I can’t take this … I just need to get some sleep.” But I very quickly realized THAT thinking was going to get me nowhere fast and I needed to be in a better state to care for my daughter. My feelings told me I had better change my thoughts, and quick!

4. Be careful what you ask for. Let’s say you want to lose weight. So your standard self-talk is, “I want to lose weight. I want to be thin. I want to be healthy.” Sounds good, right? Except you’re just activating the “wanting” part of losing weight.

See, I believe our mind and the universe take a literal translation of what we say. In essence, when you say you want to lose weight but you aren’t, in fact, losing weight, you could you actually be experiencing “want to lose” as opposed to weight loss? That IS what you’re asking for after all.

5. Choose the words that will counterbalance your negative feelings. The idea with positive affirmations is to slowly but surely chip away at the negative messages in your subconscious. The messages like “I’m not good enough” and “People are going to think I’m weird” and “I don’t have what it takes to _____.”

If you FEEL negative, then you realize there’s a negative thought creating that emotion. Even if you can’t pinpoint that exact thought, you need to start your positive self-talk anyway. My self-talk with Lily went like this: I am healthy, happy, well, and full of gratitude. Repeating those words in my head over and over, I chose those words for me (but also for my daughter, hoping the positive energy would rub off on her). I chose the word “grateful” because I want to be reminded of how grateful I am to have my daughters, even when they are sick and crying.

6. Be consistent. Most experts say the first step is to become aware of what your negative thought is and then counter that with a positive thought immediately. Yes, that works and is a great practice. However, for every negative thought you become aware of, you can rest assured that the subconscious thoughts you aren’t aware of are in ABUNDANCE! Remember, you aren’t aware of 85% of your 60,000 thoughts per day.

So you have to work to counter the thoughts that are conscious AND subconscious. That is to say, you have to say affirmations again and again and again, all day, every day, to change that heavily engrained subconscious thought. And by “again and again,” I mean hundreds of times. I even tell my clients, “How about saying that 400 to 500 times a day.” They laugh every time. When I reply, “I’m totally serious!” they then say, “I will try.” Well, that’s all I ask.

But keep in mind (literally and figuratively!) there’s lots of work to get done here, and practice does change habits.

As any good 12-step program teaches, “It works if you work it, it doesn’t if you don’t.” Although you may feel downright foolish repeating your positive affirmation, decide which is greater: the negative feeling that is making you behave in ways you don’t like, or the silly feeling you get from repeating positive affirmations over and over?

 

Items for discussion:

• What do you think about positive affirmations?
  
• Do you use them, and if so, how?
  
• What do you think about using your positive affirmations 500 times per day?  Can you see why that is so important?
  
• How will you now start to use your positive affirmations to benefit you more?

 

photo credit: stuartpilbrow

If you read my post last week, you’ll know all about changing your subconscious thoughts. It’s a matter simply of changing what you habitually think and do, and to do so, you have to be aware of what you’re thinking and doing. The formula for success is: Thoughts create emotions, emotions create actions. 

A client told me recently, “Sometimes I just can’t be aware of what I’m thinking and feeling.  It’s just not the best time.  I mean, I can’t just have a breakdown right then and there.”  She was right! 

Sometimes there will be times when it’s just not possible to let the emotion out. Let’s get real with an example. Let’s say you’re are work with your boss, talking about your next big project. All the while, your mind is focusing on an argument you had with your spouse that morning. You feel edgy, irritable, sad. 

During a moment like this, it is perfectly OK to shelve your emotions in your back pocket. 

But you want to hear some good news before the bad news? Most of us are already excellent at this shelving. The bad news? Most of us forget to pull out and examine those emotions later. Instead, we keep them stuffed away, where the emotions stew, grow, and soon take on a life of their own. 

Let’s keep going with our example above … after work, you’re home with the kids, who are wired out of their minds and not paying you any attention. You feel edgy and can’t figure out why you snap at them. You manage to hold off and not completely lose it on your children–by stuffing your emotions in your back pocket again. 

After you put the kids to bed, you’re finally alone. You uncork a bottle of wine, sprawl on your couch, and have a glass … and then another. You’re isolating yourself, drowning yourself, wishing the day away. 

You can repeat this pattern, day in and day out, until one day you explode! You have a panic attack at work. Or you sleep all day. Or you go on a shopping spree. Or you have a blowup with your husband. Pick your poison, but in any case, your emotions are speaking loudly, leading you to actions that are way over the top. 

“I don’t even know where that came from,” you say after you come down off your emotional high. 

Oh, really? I know. 

Your emotions burst out of your back pocket. Remember those emotions? The ones you kept stuffing there over and over until it was impossible to stuff any more? 

The secret to stopping this vicious cycle is to recognize the MANY signs of distress that appear before that big physical explosion. Then address that distress. 

How? Revisit your emotions regularly. At the end of the day, take the time to empty your back pocket, so to speak. Recall what got you worked up during the day and talk about it, journal about it, meditate on it–in other words, deal with it. Do whatever it takes, but clear those emotions out of your pocket. 

You have to be conscious of your emotions and what’s taking up space in your mind to be able to do this. It can only be done when you make that definite choice to think and act differently, to drive down that new road.