photo credit: StefZ

It’s no secret… the economy isn’t exactly booming.  And while I think we may have stabalized a bit, I am hearing many say their stress and anxiety levels are still on the rise!

I heard myself say on more than one occasion since the economy start floundering that I was secretly glad so many people were having to change their lifestyles.  The cat’s out of the bag now!  But here’s why I feel more positive when others are feeling the stress:  I see golden opportunities!

Whether you’re one who has lost your job or not, like many others you may have decided to tweak some things in your personal life just a bit.  And while I don’t advocate taking a “just in case” stance, I do think there are steps we can take that reap HUGE rewards in our personal lives during ANY economic climate.  Here are a few ideas:

1. Spend more time with family. Many claim to be in disparate need of life balance, eager to spend more time at home with family, but most don’t walk that talk.  When forced to act because of a lay off or downsize, some don’t know quite what to do with themselves.  I can’t think of one negative thing associated with some good, quality time with the family. Can you?
2. Find pleasure in small things. If you’ve decided to downsize, keeping a “wealth plan” (what others may call a “budget”) means getting creative so you won’t feel deprived.  Joy in small things can bring a renewed sense of spirit and energy!  Take your dog for an extra long walk.  Play games with your spouse and kids.  Air up the tires and go for a spin on your bike.  Watch a family movie that everyone enjoys.  Finding pleasure in small things can be very inexpensive, while providing incredible mental health rewards!
3. Eating in and being healthier. When I was growing up, eating out was considered a real treat!  It was only on special occasions like a birthday, graduation, or some other celebration that we saw the inside of a restaurant.  Today, my family eats out way more than I care to put in black and white!  In fact, most families I know eat out more than they should, which means we aren’t as healthy as we could be.  Eating in not only brings us closer to family (“a family that eats together, stays together”), but it helps our “bottom” line as well!
4. Picking up a new hobby. I mentioned that I crochet to a friend the other day, and was was met with a chuckle.  If you’re new to my blog, that fact may lead you to believe I’m eligible for a senior discount.  Nope!  I’m just someone who has found an extra hobby I enjoy!  Think of a new hobby you’d like to try like painting, knitting, bocce ball, horseshoes, gardening, web design, writing, or any number of things.  The sky’s the limit!
5. Working on personal development. What better time to work on your state of mind than now?   Mental health development is a lot like physical development:  when you begin a new exercise program, you aren’t going to notice much change.  But over time, you will begin to see the fruits of your labor.  You feel stronger, more self-confident, and more powerful!  So, while you’ve got more time on your hands, and whether you’re stressed and anxious or not, use this time to start a new journal, read a new self-help book, begin a new coaching program, or start your own support group.

There are many ways to stay connected, feel supported, and gain insight during good and bad economic times.  And if this is a time that propels you to do things differently in your life, bravo!

(Warning, shamless plug coming up!)  There are several ways I’m eager to help my clients during these times.  And, if you’ve thought about hiring a personal coach or counselor, but think you may not have the funds for it, think again.

There is no time like the present to work on bettering yourself. Here are a few things to consider:

• Join an upcoming support group to help you learn the basics of personal development and change.  Groups start at only $55/ month!
• Consider getting the support of a coach or counselor without ever stepping foot in an office.  Purchasing a “Change Retainer” package means you have a counselor at your email disposal throughout the month for only $85.
• Use your I Choose Change journal (free!), and weekly coffee with a good friend to help you make your own changes.  Just a little nudge from a counselor or coach to steer you in the right direction may be all you need.

Finding the positives in a negative economy isn’t incredibly easy, but it does test your willpower.  Make a list of ways you’d like to set your new course, then get started!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

The New Year provides a great opportunity to “Press the Reset Button on Your Life.”

Many resource guides out there (and there are quite exceptional ones, I might add!) purport to tell you exactly how to reflect back on your year and how to finally find the happiness you’ve been looking for.

January is a loaded month, full of anticipation and “musts” for many of us.  I’ve scoured some of my favorite blog posts from around the Web and found what I think to be the best advice for creating the exact life you want in 2012.

Certainly, it sounds so “New Year-ish” to post a “how to succeed at resolutions” at the beginning of the year. Give me a break, right?! But the reality is, many people do use the New Year as a time to start fresh. If you fit into this category, I’ve done some of the legwork for you here.

A New Year-ish How-To Guide

1. Choose your resolution. Seems simple, but if you’re looking for real change in the New Year, you’ll need these three steps to choosing a resolution.

I love this technique because it requires you to be very specific about which changes you’re working toward. Don’t be scared off by the word “change.” The world is always in flux. Whether you consciously dig your heels in or not, you’re in flux too. So it’s best to put yourself in the driver’s seat rather than sit back and just let life happen. True?

2. Start small. According to Jodi Womack, you must ask two important questions to be successful with a new endeavor: 1) What’s the simplest thing you could do?; and 2) What could you do today?

With any new change, we put too much pressure on ourselves to do something great at the get-go. That’s why I like these questions. Don’t compare your goals with others, and don’t judge yourself. Your goals are yours, no matter how big or small. Starting small, and starting today, gets you moving.

3. Hold yourself accountable. The truth is, no one will be as committed or care about your life goals as much as you. Sure, they might support you and will cheer you on. But let’s be honest. It’s human nature to focus on our own goals and ambitions first, then think of others AFTER we’re done thinking of ourselves. Therefore, hold yourself accountable.

I’m an avid twitter user, and a fellow follower stated that she was going to be self-employed. When I asked doing what, she said, “As long as I am helping people, it matters little WHAT I do. Right now I am only helping my employer.”  (I’ve intentionally left identifying information on this person – and if you’re reading, I’m sorry, I did just call you out! =)

Well, news flash! Self-employment isn’t going to just happen to this person! Why? She doesn’t really have a goal in mind. My statement back to her was: Of course you need to pick something specific to do, then DO IT!  Will she take the advice? We’ll see. Will you?

4. Take a step back from yourself. Ask the question, “Why would you get depressed about the way your life is when it really matters so little?” Seamus Anthony reminds us that our stint here on Planet Earth is small. Indeed, it is.

When you gain a sense of this universal perspective, you realize that, in the grand scheme of life, our small obstacles really don’t matter much. Sure, the term “small” is debatable. But that perspective is also your choice. Do you choose to make your obstacles small or big? The answer to that question could very well determine your levels of happiness and success.

5. Give yourself permission to reassess. I haven’t found this tip during my rereading of my favorite blogs, but I think it’s incredibly important: Give yourself permission to tweak and adjust your goal. No, it is NOT giving up. It’s NOT cheating. It’s merely reassessing the goal you’ve set for yourself and adjusting where necessary.

Eight years ago when I was training for a marathon, I suffered a knee injury that hurt in more ways than one. I felt as if I’d failed myself. However, it was simply time for a readjustment and reassessing. What were my end-result goals, and how else could I meet those goals?

6. Don’t be afraid to “just be.” I know, for many, January is an incredible time of “just doing,” so this step–to just be–requires a little faith. You CAN’T “just do” if you aren’t just being. Doing (something, anything) without any sense of the end result will spin you into a frenzy–to Nowheresville fast. You’ll be completely drained, and you’ll give up on any goal you create for yourself.

With so much information on the Internet about goal-setting, especially in the New Year, you’ll have ample resources at your fingertips to cause all kinds of confusion and chaos in the midst of change. All that “how to” information can be a real productivity drain.

My goal in this blog, on the other hand, is simplicity. No need to get yourself into a whirlwind over change! No need to pull your hair out thinking: what to change, how to change, when to start changing, and, of course, what to do when we have a misstep.

Hopefully, with my simple guide, I’ve distilled the very best information available, as well as provided you permission to reassess.

The great thing about each day, including the first of January, is that it provides us new opportunities to choose differently. We can choose in this moment. And now in this moment. And now in this moment …

With that, I want to hear from you: 

What is your best New Year’s resolution advice? What New Year’s resolutions will you make? What will be the most important part of your goal-setting in 2012?

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: zen

In my most recent article, I wrote about the “Acceptance Paradox” providing the sample case of Jon and Kate from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8.  (I won’t be upset if you clicked away.)  I feel the need to drive home this concept a bit more, and I think you’ll find value too, so stick with me!

This topic was first introducted to me in David Burn’s book “Feeling Good Together.” Although called by a different name, the concept is the same: Instead of putting up a defense against your own or other’s criticisms and complaints of you, you find some truth in the statements and accept them.

Common tools used to combat negative emotions; such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety, assume the preceding negative thoughts are illogical so you should talk back to them.  (For example: “No, I’m not worthless.  I am successful, happy, and my life is just as it should be.)  This is a “talk to the hand” technique, making it acceptable to refute all bad thoughts and criticisms from others.  It’s a self-protection technique – a defense to your psyche and, some could say, denial. I would also agree that, in some cases, this self-protection is needed.

However, the Acceptance Paradox is about taking responsibility.  It is about asking these questions and making these assertions:

• “Is there some truth in the criticism?
• “What can I learn from it?”
• “Can I accept the fact that my performance was not up to par?”
• “I have many deficiencies.  I am a human being and I am quite flawed.”

“Ten Days to Self-Esteem” uses this technique beautifully.  At the root of all anxieties, depression, fear, anger and guilt lies some degree of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.  Using the Accpetance Paradox, in my view, is a powerful step in self-acceptance and is crucial to personal developement and growth.

Within your own relationships – friendships, marriage, business, and otherwise – how can this technique help you grow?  How can you become a better friend, spouse, and employee by accepting the truth of your behaviors?   And, doesn’t it feel powerful to take a step back, and examine yourself in a full length mirror?  What you know about yourself consciously, you can change – that is power.

In the case of Kate (from my previous article), it is painful to hear her say “I don’t know” when asked the question of what she could have changed in her marriage.  But it’s a lesson we can all learn.

“I don’t know” is a cop-out. It is a barrier between reality and the unknown.  If the assumption is “yes, I do know, let me figure it out…” then take a step back, examine, and identify reality.  And if you don’t like reality, change it.  This is the Acceptance Paradox.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Smabs Sputzer

The media these days has sure created a whole lot of hype about “mindset”.   So I’m officially giving my two cents of what mindset development is, and how you can actually change it. You can because there really is a psychology to mindset. Wouldn’t you like to know what it is?

Just do a search in your favorite Web browser for the word “Mindset.” You’ll get thousands of searches, but you’ll also be hard-pressed to find one source online that understands how mindset works. Some might, sure. But with so many gurus and experts claiming to be able to help you evolve just by changing one (not so) teeny thing, wouldn’t it be useful to know the truth?   That is, the truth about the psychology BEHIND the curtain of mindset.

I think so too! So here it is. Mindset is really just about mind-shift. It’s about the way you see the world. Think of mindset as the pair of lenses you choose to look through at the world. You can wear rosy or gray.

The truth is, your consistent thoughts only add to the positive, or negative, outlook of your life. This is what they mean by “self-fulfilling prophecy.”  Those media gurus and I agree that you must change your mindset to have the happiness you want.    

But it is NOT ENOUGH for me to tell you to simply “change your mindset” and wait for the magic happen.

That’s like me saying, “I’ll drop a little fairy dust on your head, and your mind will instantly be cleared of all the goo.” Sorry, mindset change doesn’t work that way. No wonder so many frustrated humans are scurrying about in our society, looking for the NEXT guru that can answer, “How can you make me happy?”

Wait no more. I can answer that question. The truth about mindset change is that it’s so easy, you might wonder if fairy dust is involved. And you might wonder why you spent thousands of hours paying someone to help you be happy when I’m giving it to you for free. (You’re welcome!) 

I’m going to describe something I call the “Mind Tree.” Draw this out on a piece of paper as I explain it so it makes more sense. 

The trunk of your tree is a simple formula: thoughts create emotions; emotions create actions. Then two main branches spawn from thoughts: conscious and subconscious. Those are the two types of thoughts–the first you can easily tap into and are aware of and the second you can’t easily access. These subconscious thoughts lurk in the background of your mind. 

Your habitual thoughts are your mindset. These are the thoughts you have to change if you want to change your mindset. But here’s the kicker: Your conscious thoughts make up only about 15% of your total thoughts, maybe less! Your subconscious thoughts make up the other 85%. Draw this on your mindset tree. Let it sink in. That means in order to change your mindset, you have to tap into those thoughts you don’t even know you’re thinking. Bad news, right? 

Well, not so fast. You can change your subconscious programming. There are so many ways, and that’s where a GOOD guru comes in! From my pre-frontal cortex to yours (that’s where your conscious thoughts are stored), here are just a few to get you started:

1. Identify which subconscious thoughts are no longer serving you well. They may sound something like this: “I am never good enough. Money doesn’t grow on trees and doesn’t come easy. Hard work is the only work that pays, etc.” You can see how just one subconscious thought can create a whole heap of trouble, can’t you? 

2. Choose to change.  Oh, yes, you know I had to say it. CHOOSE to change! The reality is, most people figure out what subconscious thoughts are actually holding them back but then won’t do anything about it. Making the decision to take action is a very big step. And it’s vital. 

(The reasons for not taking action are a whole therapy session in itself, so we’ll save that for another time!)

3. Implement tools. Create new habitual thoughts, affirm what is truth, post sticky notes all over your house and in your car, use EFT, journal ad nauseum, use a “change buddy” for motivation, have lucid dreams, talk about your change efforts until you are sick, and keep moving in THAT direction, not the OTHER direction.

You have so many ways to change your negative subconscious programming. One popular phrase is “Just Do It!” But what happens when “Just Do It” doesn’t work? 

No, it’s not a matter of willpower or strength. And it’s not an issue of character. It’s about stick-to-itiveness, practice, and consistent follow-through. 

Yes, there is a psychology to mindset. Can you call it a day just by knowing that? No, but once you face those negative subconscious thoughts, you can shout from the rooftop “JOB DONE!”

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: roland

It’s only fitting that in this week of Thanksgiving, we talk about giving thanks and having gratitude. While some may view this week as chaotic, stressful, and anxious-ridden with extended family, I hope you will have a different perspective.

Giving thanks really means being thankful for the gifts you have in your life.  If you don’t already view the things in your life as a gift, try shifting your focus from what you DON’T have to focus on what you DO have.  Let me explain…

Even mounting bills are things to be thankful for, because the vendors behind those bills have provided a lifestyle for you that you wouldn’t have otherwise have had. You have electricity, water, and a garbage that comes like clockwork to take your garbage away.   That credit card with a high balance?  Look around your house.  The furniture your sitting on, the fence you put up in your backyard, even the clothes you’re wearing right this minute might have been purchased on credit.  Be thankful for the wonderful things you can enjoy!

Your car payment?  Be thankful you have a car!  The hospital bills?  Be thankful you had great hospital care.

Our bills are a true gift – this idea is a true shift in focus.  And, shifting focus in the midst of chaos, and when your life is feeling particularly stressful, is BOLD.

As soon as you start feeling grateful and happy about the things you have, you will start to attract and have more blessings in your life.  Everybody goes through things they don’t like and times that are hard, but it is those who remain grateful and thankful for what they DO have, who have true joy, peace, and abundance in their lives.  Start to see EVERYTHING as the gift that it is.

True Graciousness

There is a distinction to be made between happiness and gratitude.  They are not the same, although we sometimes use them interchangeably.  To be grateful means giving thanks for something that’s been given as a gift.  It can be a person in our life that was giving, or nature, or God.

It was such a surprise to me this time last year as I pulled up to the window of Starbucks for my traditional “Non-fat, Peppermint, No-whip Caffe Mocha” (I recommend the drink wholeheartedly!), the car in front of me had paid for my drink!  I tried to get a glimpse of them, but I didn’t catch them in time and they sped away.  The person working in the window said, “They told me to tell you Happy Holidays!” It was such a treat.  I felt grateful for the gift of not only the drink, but the thoughtfulness of a complete stranger!

Contrary to feeling grateful, happiness would be something one just feels good about.  You can be happy that it’s sunny outside, or grateful that the sunshine has been provided (the gift of sunshine!).  You can be happy to have an extra $100 in the bank, but grateful that the extra money has been given as a gift.  You get the point.

Having gratitude means being content.  Being thankful and grateful leads to more contentment.  Conversely, continually wanting more and more external things leads to the feeling of emptiness and unhappiness.  It is human to want more, but that does not keep you from growing and evolving; it’s easy to get trapped by the feeling of not having enough in your life.  To be content, get out of the rut of wanting more, more, more, and just experience that right now, in this moment, you are satisfied and content. Â

Research shows that “daily gratitude exercises resulted in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determinism, optimism, and energy.” According to Michael McCullough of Southern Methodist University, “Anyone can increase their sense of well-being and create positive social effects just by counting their blessings.”

So for this week, give thanks, have gratitude, and experience the overwhelming abundance, peace, and joy pouring into your life.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Pandiyan

Editor’s note:  I originally posted this in October 2008.  The content is still relevant today as I’m revisiting authenticity!

I have found it – the definition of authenticity! Sure, there are plenty of Toms, Dicks, and Harrys out there who claim to know all about “authentic” life styles. They say, “Listen to me. I can guide you to happiness!” Then they charge you an arm and a leg. But I think I have found the real definition of authenticity. Here it is, for free I might add. (You’re welcome!)

It comes by way of Brian Goldman, a graduate student at the University of Georgia in Athens. He was digging through centuries-old research and philosophy when he uncovered what I think is a pretty great definition:

“The unimpeded operations of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.

Ohhh … pretty! How simple and sweet is that, huh?

I agree completely with it too, which you probably already knew because I’ve been using the same definition of authenticity for quite sometime now.

Another one of my favorites is Neil Lark Warren’s 10 Characteristics in Finding Contentment. I’ve also recently been struck by so-called physical acts of authenticity, which the authors outlined in a newer issue of Psychology Today.

These physical acts of authenticity are:

1. Meditate. Think of it only as a way to get to your “happy place,” not a technique to influence outside forces. For instance, why do you work? To earn money to buy pretty things. Why do you meditate? To achieve internal happiness. I can handle that.

2. Be Deliberate. Be conscious that you have choices. You can choose to change (“I choose change” anyone?), or you can choose to stick with what you have. You can choose to move forward, go backward, or do nothing at all. Being deliberate simply means acting consciously, with purpose.

3. Act Intuitively. Sure, you got me; this runs counter to No. 2. But as we’ve talked about before, acting consciously can sometimes be detrimental when too much rationalizing and reasoning gets in the way of your gut feelings. Don’t be afraid to follow your instincts. They’re there to guide you forward.

4. Create Solitude. There’s nothing like shutting down–on purpose–so you can recharge. We’re talking power down your blackberry, shut your door, turn off the TV and the laptop, and provide yourself the space to just thing and be. Authentic people regularly look inside and listen to their intuition, but they can’t do this with all the chaos of the modern world swirling around them.

5. Stay Connected. Thomas Moore, author of A Life at Work, says, “Community is an outlook toward life in which you define yourself in relation to the world around you, rather than only in connection with yourself.” Community, he is saying, is a way to enlarge our own sense of self.

6. Play Hard. Don’t hold back when doing what you really love, whether it’s tennis, running, art, dancing. It allows you to fully express who you are at your core.

7. Be Willing to Lose. Authentic people know that failure is part of growing. You must be willing to stare down your failures, learn from them, and move forward if you are to live an authentic life.

I take no credit for the above definitions.  But I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of taking personal responsibility for life’s challenges.  That means peering inside for answers on why we do what we do, feel what we feel, and think what we think.  It’s only through an authentic life that we can look internally, and take personal responsibility.  Personal responsibility is the  genius of change!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Torsten Hofmann

The spirit of football in Texas is as monstrous as the state itself!

And with the season among us, many will start cheering their favorite team to win the big game.  Some will become obsessed with supporting their teams – from making road trips to far-away games to yelling like a schoolgirl at their television.

Growing up in a small Texas town, attending a football game be THE thing to to on a Friday night.  One of the cheerleader favorites was to grab a megaphone and shout at the top of their lungs in unison to the opposing cheerleaders and crowd, “We’ve got SPIRIT, yes we do. We have spirit HOW, ’bout you?”

The crowd would be CRAZY with excitement; they would shout back the same cheer but with even more exuberance! This strange act would continue for a while, until one of us just pooped out from the sheer energy and excitement of the shouting. We were dizzy with enthusiasm.

As cheerleaders, they knew when to arouse the crowd with this type of cheer. It was when our own team was struggling or when the crowd itself seemed to have lost interest in the game. The minute we started this yell, the crowd came ALIVE.

The crowd went from zero to ten in a matter of seconds!

So, just WHY did this cheer create such hysteria? Here’s why:

• Even For A Short Time Everyone Mattered
• Each Person Became A Part Of Something Bigger
• We Were All In It Together, And
• The Momentum Was Intoxicating

As a family life coach and counselor, I often have people say to me “I want to change, but I just don’t have any support.” Some say, “I know I have to do this, but I’m not sure how my spouse would take it.” Others proclaim, “I’m just not sure I can do it.”

Even with answers being given to most clients on a silver platter, change is still very difficult.  In fact, most won’t change.

School is starting, Fall is around the corner, and the heat wave of Summer is about to end.  It’s a good time to reconsider what aspects of your life you need to tweak.  Using tips we learned as football fans can help propel you into action.

Consider getting involved in a group where you matter, where you are part of something bigger, were you have access to other people, and where the momentum is intoxicating!

Life change is no small feat, and we need other people on our team to support us through.   We need others who are willing to cheer us on with an awe-inspiring amount of encouragement.

The saying, “You are who you know,” points to the fact that it is of the utmost importance to surround yourself with people in your life who will CHEER for you and for what you desire your life to be.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

I noticed a girl swinging as fast, as hard, and as passionately as she could while at the park with my young daughters recently. From my vantage point I could see how she thrust her legs out as she swung up and tucked them hard under her as she swung back. Thrust up, tuck back, thrust up, tuck back. She moved with such strength and energy that you almost felt that she’d just had a huge argument with her playmate and was blowing off some steam.

I found my wandering to the age of 10 again, wishing I could stop what I was doing right that minute and blow off steam, giving all my energy to that swing set.  As a busy Mom, I often feel frustrated, annoyed, or overwhelmed.  But, since most of our cubicles, offices, and homes don’t come with a handy swing set ready and waiting (and it might be a bit strange if we were caught having it out with our swing sets); we have to find other ways to get rid of the pent up energy we carry.  Below are other ways we can blow off steam, and I hope you’ll find these handy, too:

1. Disassociate from the moment

During junior high (still the worst years of my life by the way), I developed the coping strategy of going into the bathroom stall and resting my head in my hands while taking deep, calming breaths. To get away from the crowded hallways, wanna-be friends, bullies, and all the other yuck that comes with middle school, I would think about something far removed from that moment. It was my way to “escape”.  I still use that coping skill today and I admit that I sometimes use a bathroom stall if it’s the only place I can escape to. Shifting your focus from the current situation energizes your mind so you can return to your everyday life with more focus.

2. Listen to Music

There’s something about putting my favorite music on that changes my mood and even whisks me away to a new world entirely. Oftentimes, it inspires me to start dancing like I’m 13 again! Getting my body moving and grooving (and even breaking a little sweat) is so much fun, and a great way to release a lot of tension.

3. Stretch

Sometimes I’ll stop everything, get in the middle of the floor and start doing stretches and deep breathing.  Whether you’re an amateur or a yogi, just getting twisted up can release some tension.

4. Nap or Simply be Still

My number one activity!  I’m guilty of taking regular naps or, at the very least, zoning out for 30 minutes (although it can be up to 2 hours) every single day (Yes, you read right – EVERY SINGLE DAY! Sometimes I let the kids run amok, but it has to be done!). Getting quiet and allowing room for gaps between your thoughts is a great way to slow down a frantic day. No TV, radio, kids, pets, or any other noise – just silence.

5. Read a Good Book

I love to read and my shelves are filled to the brim with psychological and self-help material. But I do enjoy a good novel now and again. Admittedly, the self-help stuff can be such a drag sometimes because it’s heavy with to-dos, but novels are my favorite escape.

6. Clean House

This sounds like a strange one, I know, but cleanliness and organization can be energizing! Having a mission and following through with tasks so you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment in just a short amount of time.

7. Talk to Someone

When you just need to vent, call up that one person you can talk to no matter what the topic. Telephone, instant message, text, get on Facebook, or hop on Twitter.  Engage in whatever form of communication that works for you.

8. Go to the Playground

I’ll admit that watching kids play is tiring; their energy never stops! But the flip side of this is that they are getting rid of excess energy in such a healthy, positive, and fun ways! And as adults, we can do the same thing. Don’t be afraid to hop on a swing and, just like the young girl I encountered, and give that swing all you’ve got!

Jennifer Slingerland Ryan, M.Ed. is a Counselor, Life Coach and Managing Director of I Choose change in Allen. You can find more about her and I Choose Change at http://www.ichoosechange.com or on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/ichoosechange.  If you’d like to use this article in your publication, you can, but please reference the author and send us a copy!  Thank you.  :)

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Have you ever found yourself trekking through life quite nicely, when all of a sudden the bottom falls out? When something so drastically changes, taking you by complete and utter surprise, that you’re blindsided by the reality of your new existence, one that will never, ever, ever be the same? The company you’re working for goes bankrupt and you’ve suddenly lost all of your money. Your wife announces the paperwork for divorce is already complete on her end; all you have to do is sign. The death of a loved one brings you to your knees.

Any of these events are ones you didn’t ask for, and certainly don’t deserve, but now you’re left to deal with them. They create   darkness so thick in your life that sometimes you even wish the light switch would be turned off completely. You become heavy with the torment of depression, anger, and despair so horrendous that you can’t fathom a way out.

One Thing is Always Certain

We’ve all heard the saying: The only thing you can count on is change. It is true, and yet when you’re in the big middle of the horror, you can’t claw you’re way out. Even if you’re one of those that believe there’s a reason for everything, when something so life changing occurs, it’s hard to see a lesson.

Have you found yourself in the same situation more than once? You find yourself in the same long, droning conversations with your children or your spouse, saying the exact same thing to each other over and over. Or, you are in the same dead-end job that you found yourself in multiple times before. “How did this happen AGAIN?” you ask. Patterns emerge when you aren’t paying attention.

No Pointing Fingers

If you find yourself in the same situations over and over again, chances are you are playing a significant role, even it if appears on the outside that something happened TO YOU. It feels sometimes as if the event is THRUST upon you without your wanting it to occur. But if there is a pattern to the same emotional or spiritual distress of the scenarios of your life, only you can break the cycle. Some things ARE your fault, and it might be time to wake up and smell the roses.

The next time you find yourself saying, “It’s not my fault” you may need to instead ask the question, “What did I do to get in this place once again?” This would be the time to figure out what you’ve done to create the situation you’re in. I know for some who read this, it will be a radical shift in reality, and it may even make you angry to hear me say it. However, change occurs when we’re willing to eyeball ourselves in a mirror rather than looking at the world through a magnifying glass. Taking responsibility of your life, and the change you create, means not placing blame on anybody or anything for your life.

In her book, “There’s a Hole In My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery,” Portia Nelson simply yet eloquently explains habit. Here is an excerpt from her “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”:

Chapter 1:

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost…I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to get out.

Chapter 2:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep home in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in…it is a habit.

My eyes are open

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5:

I walk down another street.

The “hole” Portia talks about are our patterns. Be daring enough to take a look at the patterns in your life, and then be even bolder as to ask what you did to create the reoccurrence. Be willing to say, “I take responsibility,” and get out of the hole you’ve gotten yourself into immediately. Then, don’t go near the hole.

Our patterns are our habits – those neural pathways we trust our brains will always create, even when we aren’t aware of it. What we create in our lives, we can also re-create, and this fact alone is so freeing and powerful! Especially the habits we don’t like, but all of them, can be changed for good, when we merely have our eyes wide open, know where we are, take responsibility, and simply do not repeat the pattern.

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1. LACK OF A WELL-DEFINED PURPOSE IN LIFE. There is no hope of success when you don’t have a central purpose, or definite goal at which to aim. Ninety-eight percent of people are followers who have no definite idea of their ultimate goal.  What to do: As an absolute first step in your personal or professional success, know your passion. What is your higher purpose?

2. LACK OF AMBITION TO AIM ABOVE MEDIOCRITY. If you don’t like where you are, you must find a way to change that. What to do: Becoming a fulfilled Home Executive or accomplished Business Leader will occur only when you consistently strive for excellence.

3. NEGATIVE ENVIRONMENT As the saying goes, “you are who you know,” so it is of the utmost importance to have only those people in your life who support you and what you believe/desire yourself to be.  What to do: Control the amount of doom and gloom you allow into your life, creating an environment that is filled with people and things that are supportive of your higher purpose.

4. POOR HEALTH. It is impossible to enjoy outstanding success when you lack physical and emotional health. Obtaining this goal is an ongoing process. What to do: Consume a healthy, well-balanced diet of nutritious food and, also, exercise regularly. This regimen will lead to both physical and emotional well-being.

5. UNFAVORABLE ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCES DURING CHILDHOOD. “As the twig is bent, so shall the tree grow.” This isn’t a curse, its a challenge. Anyone can overcome their childhood difficulties. What to do: Surround yourself with people who emulate who you want to be, study the behaviors you like about them and change the behaviors you don’t like about yourself.

6. PROCRASTINATION. This is one of the most common causes of failure. “Old Man Procrastination” stands within the shadow of every human being, awaiting his opportunity to spoil one’s chances of success. Failing at life is the result of waiting for the “time to be right” before starting to do something worthwhile. What to do: Don’t wait! The time will never be “just right.” Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have. You can be sure that better tools will be found as you go forward.

7. LACK OF PERSISTENCE. Most of us are good “starters” but poor “finishers” of what we begin. Moreover, people are prone to give up at the first signs of defeat. There is no substitute for PERSISTENCE. What to do: Watch out for this one! Snuff it out the minute you feel it creep in. You’ll notice it when you procrastinate or feel stagnant in your daily living.

8. NEGATIVE PERSONALITY. There is no hope of success for the person who is offensive because of their negative personality. What to do: You have power in your presence, so use your winning/positive personality instead of manifesting a negative character.

9. UNCONTROLLED DESIRE FOR “SOMETHING FOR NOTHING.” Recent discussions around movies such as The Secret have some talking about manifesting what you desire out of thin air. This simply does not occur. What to do: You can sit on your sofa wishing for a million dollars 23 hours of everyday, not paying your bills because the money is right around the corner, and get your house taken away in the process due to non-payment. Desire is necessary but it is only the beginning – an action plan as well as ACTION are both essential.

10. LACK OF ABILITY TO MAKE A DECISION. Those who succeed reach decisions promptly (no procrastinating!), because they know there are no failures – only tests. What to do: Know that everything is happening according to your divine order. Keep this in mind and you will never suffer from indecision.

11. INABILITY TO TAKE RISKS. The person who takes no chances, generally has to take whatever is left when others are finished choosing. Over-caution is as bad as under-caution. Both are extremes to be guarded against. What to do: Take chances. Remember, there are no failures! Live your life in the divine flow and remember that everything is happening according to plans.

12. LACK OF CONCENTRATION OF EFFORT. The “jack-of-all-trades” seldom is good at any of them. What to do: Concentrate all of your efforts on your higher purpose in life, then, with laser focus, continue on that path that brings you passion.

13. LACK OF ENTHUSIASM. Having no enthusiasm generally means you don’t enjoy your current lot in life. Whatever you are doing, as long as you are moving in the direction of your higher purpose, will make you enthusiastic. What to do: Test yourself. Are you not enthusiastic? This is a sign you’re on the wrong path and need to re-evaluate your higher purpose.

14. INTOLERANCE. The person with a “closed” mind on any subject seldom gets ahead. Intolerance means that one has stopped acquiring knowledge. The most damaging forms of intolerance are those connected with religious, racial, and political differences of opinion. What to do: Be respectful of and open to any idea, statement, judgment, or opinion that comes your way. Respecting another’s beliefs or ideas does not mean you have to accept them as your own. Always be open to alternative views. You just might learn something about yourself along the way!

15. GUESSING INSTEAD OF THINKING. Most people are too indifferent or lazy to acquire FACTS with which to THINK ACCURATELY. They prefer to act on “opinions” created by guesswork or snap-judgments. What to do: Check your facts and do your research. Thinking is your most powerful tool because what you think, you will be!

(Adapted from Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill.)

© 2011 I Choose Change

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