I may have [purposely] created a pretty bleak picture in my last post, Momma Trauma:

• “We all face issues from childhood that ‘mess us up.’”
• “When a child enters into adulthood without the foundation of this secure base (otherwise known as a “secure attachment”) there are many, many problems that surface in their relationships.”
• “How you manage friendships, intimate relationships, work relationships, sibling relationships, parental relationships – all relationships! – are a direct result of what was encoded early on – what was taught.”
• These statements are all true, but there is VERY good news!

Attachment is only part of the puzzle.  A large part, yes, since the “encoding” that takes place within your brain sets the stage for many of your behaviors in adulthood, but this encoding within the brain is a learned process.  In other words, you weren’t born with this specific set of behaviors. They were given to you on a silver platter, and you slurped up the lessons because you didn’t know any better.

Temperament is a large part of the puzzle as well.  The personality you’re born with acts with the learned behaviors to create the adult you are today!  Ta-da!

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 
― Dr. Seuss

So the point to take away here is, what you feel and what you do are LEARNED.  And what is learned, can be UNLEARNED.  Yeah!  I didn’t say the process was easy, I just said it was possible. But to find out the “how” it’s useful to find out the “why”, which is why it’s important to understand what we learned about relationships and life when we were little.

Certainly, a majority of people aren’t abandoned as Annie was in my last post.  But let’s use Annie’s experience to further illustrate attachment and it’s effects on adulthood behaviors.

You might say Annie’s parents didn’t really “abandon” her, right?  She was sick and she needed to stay in the hospital. Annie’s mother was doing what any loving, caring caregiver would do in this instance, right?  She was seeking medical attention!  And you might say that is enough – that Annie would come around. That once she was TOLD why she was there, it would be enough for her to understand why she was left alone, and hence, she would quickly get over any negative feelings she had on the issue.

The problem with that line of thinking, however, is that babies aren’t “thinking” beings – yet. Remember, babies don’t have the cognitive structures of an adult. They certainly don’t have the decision-making processes in place!  More than anything, babies and young children – children younger than about 5 years old – are emotional, creative beings.  The right side of their brain – the creative side – is what is activated and used.  The brain at this phase of development is like a sponge, soaking in all the information it can through it’s five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, and talking.

The Five Senses

The five senses are important as a baby, because it’s the only way a baby “connects” with her caregiver.  It’s the only way, and perhaps the most important way, the baby and young child begins to understand how adults “work.”  The cumulative lessons we teach our young are the behaviors she’ll take into adulthood.

It’s important, therefore, that we as adults understand and examine the ways in which our caregivers imparted their messages to us. Likewise, it’s important for parents to understand the emotional and cognitive development of their babies, so they are able to impart the information in ways the baby can understand.

Babies aren’t little adults.  Toddlers and young kids aren’t little adults.  They can’t be expected to act as adults act and make the decisions adults make.  Furthermore, what you spoon-feed this child on a consistent, daily basis, will set the stage for how this child behaves, as an adult.

Emotional Abandonment

We now know that physical abandonment can create some very difficult issues for the child, and hence the adult. We know that children don’t understand being “left”, as shown in Annie’s example. But these examples are rare.

An often overlooked issue is emotional abandonment.  Emotional abandonment is a child that has everything it needs physically, but it lacks the emotional connection needed to thrive.  It isn’t enough for a caregiver to provide food, shelter and water, although these are certainly very important for survival. And “survive” is exactly what will happen with his child. But is survival all we’re after? Is that enough?

To survive simply means…to breath.  You exist, but you don’t feel whole.

An adult that merely survives continually feels like there’s something missing.  Again and again clients go into therapy because “something is missing” or “something isn’t clicking.” Something doesn’t feel right in their lives, and they can’t pinpoint what it is. Often, it is that they are emotionally void.  I’m not saying that are without emotion!  I’m saying they don’t feel a connection to anyone, or to themselves, in a deeply emotional way.  And if they DO feel this deep emotion, or have in the past, it is short lived.  To sustain an emotional attachment to someone is almost impossible for some adults.

Emotional abandonment is an epidemic in this country right now. Emotional abandonment is a child who is receiving what it needs to receive physically (or not), but NOT receiving what it needs emotionally.  It is a child developing an insecure attachment.

An insecurely attached adult is someone who’s left lonely, sad, and with feelings of worthlessness. But how do we know we’re tending to our babies and children in ways that they feel emotionally attached – in ways they won’t feel abandoned?  The answers are easy, if you understand the basic structures of human development. Understanding how a baby views the world – how it speaks to the world, hears the world, sees the world – is the most important lesson any parent can learn.

Likewise, an adult who realizes they may not be securely attached, who feels sad, lonely, worthless, and as if there is a “hole in their heart”, needs to understand human development throughout the lifespan.  When there is a deficit from childhood, the gap needs to be filled.  The learning that took place so long ago, creating this emotional abandonment, needs to be recreated – relearned.  The good news is, what is learned, can be unlearned, and relearned again!  But the first step is to find out what was LEARNED.

Does EVERY issue that is brought to counseling mean there’s an insecure attachment?  No. Without a doubt, definitely not.  But, this is an issue seen again and again, so it is worthy of examining further.  Many times I dig into a client’s past, probing into their family of origin to find out how they learned to “do” relationships, and I find there is no insecure attachment issue.  In that case, we simply step into problem-solving and goal-setting to change the emotions and actions without going any further into their past lives as children.

The change process is the same whether there is an attachment issue or not, and we’ll get to those steps in more detail. But when there IS an attachment issue, it’s imperative that we look at that in more detail. Understanding about yourself – your own patterns of doing and feeling – are extremely important.

Your Mom is the BEST Mom, Hands Down

The concept is hard to understand and difficult to detect. And, nobody wants to talk bad about their Momma! So here’s a blanket statement about the Momma Trauma we MAY have experienced:

You had a good upbringing, and your Mom loved you. She did the best she could with all the tools she had. In fact, it is an INCREDIBLE job. And if you’re a parent yourself, you know the job of parenting is the hardest job on planet earth. Understanding your attachment style isn’t about doggin’ your Momma!  It’s about developing a better understanding of the way YOU learned relationships, based on how you were taught them.

You have a parent who is PHYSICALLY available, how do you know if they were emotionally available?  Well, you may just know.  Sometimes it’s easy to know when you weren’t raised with the best pick of the litter.  Sometimes, the handwriting is NOT on the wall.  And that’s where some investigative work is handy.

I’d like to give you some case samples to help this process make more sense, and to hopefully connect some dots in your own upbringing.

Case Sample 1:

Sarah and Tom came for marital therapy. Sarah decided she wanted out of the 10-year marriage because she had finally realized Tom was not going to connect with her in the way she needed. He was emotionally unavailable to her, despite her pleas for affection. The two did not have kids, and she figured it would be easy to slip away unnoticed so she could find someone who WOULD connect with her.

Upon further investigation, we realized Sarah had a cycle of being non-expressive. When she felt like she was asking Tom for what she wanted, she was simply sending him subtle clues, of which Tom wasn’t picking up on. And when he didn’t pick up on her clues, she shut down. After a few weeks of shutting down, she had enough, and blew up! Tom would be dumbfounded, wondering where this all came from, and Sarah would be angry that Tom was so clueless! They would muddle through, connect briefly. Within a week or so, things were back to “normal” and the cycle would begin again. Tom would reach out to Sarah in various ways, but Sarah didn’t respond the way Tom anticipated, so he quit trying. Sarah felt lonely and disconnected again, and shut down. Then, out of “no where” she blew up – again and again, the cycle continued!

Looking into Sarah’s family of origin, we learned how she was the “golden child”.  She was the middle of 5 kids, and her parents clearly had high expectations for her. Not so high that she couldn’t live up to what they wanted, though. She wanted to please her parents and was always striving to “do the right thing.”

Her older sister Mary was always in trouble. She didn’t follow the rules, she didn’t make good grades, and in fact, was even held back her 8th grade year. Sarah’s parents were very disappointed in Mary, and let her know it. Through their actions and their words, of which Sarah witnessed, Mary understood that the love she received from her parents was conditional – when Mary did as she was supposed to do, followed the rules, and made good grades, she was in her parent’s good graces. When she screwed up again, she got the silent treatment from Mom and looooong lecture sessions with Dad.

As Sarah watched this interaction with her older sister, it was clear what she needed to do to get love and affection from her parents: never screw up. And never screwing up meant keeping your chin high and keeping your problems to a minimum. Any hint of difficulty that was brought to her parents could be met with disapproval, and she wasn’t about to bring that on herself!  So, she kept quite, despite her struggles along the way, and need to have her parents support, and plugged along without much of a peep. No negativity!  It wasn’t allowed.

Fast forward 20 years to her marriage with Tom, and we can see Sarah very clearly acting out what she’d learned as a child:

• Positivity is rewarded with unconditional love
• Negativity, or “screwing up” is met with loss of love and affection, and disapproval
• Watching her older sister experience the pain of disapproval was hard to watch; she certainly didn’t want to bring that on herself, so she kept quite, not revealing her needs

Sarah’s inability to SAY what she needed, in no uncertain terms in her marriage to Tom, was only hurting the marriage. Through therapy, she learned to be more assertive and ask for what she needed WITHOUT the fear of being denied, abandoned, or rejected.  She changed her behaviors by understanding and apprecatiating her emotional life better. And when she understood her emotions, she learned how to be more in control of them by expressing her thoughts – by expressing what she needed in no uncertain terms.

Case 2:

Jenny was a vibrant 40-something who’d fell on hard times. She once had a business that was thriving in advertising, and her freelance business on the side was bringing in enough money to quit her full time job. After about five years though, she had a “break down” and woke up one day broke, dissatisfied with her life, and with no clients. She had to move home with her Mom because she lost her home to foreclosure. What’s more, she didn’t have the motivation to even go find another paying job. She started to drink heavily in the evenings and occasionally in the morning when she was alone.

Through investigation, we learned Jenny was an only child from a single-parent home. Dad was non-existent since the age of four. Grandparents were present, but only with occasional babysitting. Jenny and Mom were very close. Best friends, in fact! Jenny didn’t have a bad word to say about her Mom, except that now that she wasn’t working and living with her again after 20 years, Mom was disgruntled – always snapping, angry, and telling Jenny what she needed to do to get her life on track. And it was all good advice! Except, Jenny just wouldn’t make any movement toward finding a job and getting her life started again.

Growing up Mom owned her own business, just as Jenny did. Mom was a “self-made woman” and didn’t let Jenny wallow in self-pity. When she wasn’t doing well, she told her to pick herself up by her boot straps and stop complaining. Mom valued hard work, and she wasn’t much help when things weren’t money-driven. In fact, being successful meant making money. When you weren’t making money, you weren’t worth much. Your life was going nowhere. You were a nobody. Well, at least this is the message Jenny got….

And, now that Jenny is older and falling on hard times, she hadn’t yet learned the skill 0f true, internal happiness. Her happiness has always been externally driven, just as Mom had taught her it should be. When Jenny was producing, she was on top of the world. Jenny had never learned what it was like to struggle – she didn’t have to, because Mom was there to pick her up at every turn. She most definitely didn’t teach Jenny about problem-solving, and how to switch gears. And now, when Jenny found she COULDN’T pick herself up by her bootstraps, she didn’t really know what else to do. And on top of that, she felt worthless, as if her life didn’t mean anything. She didn’t have a purpose, and she obviously didn’t know how to be successful or happy.

Through therapy, Jenny realized that she had learned that internal needs didn’t matter. External successes, and particularly ones that made you money were what gave you worth. Except, in order for Jenny to move forward and be successful and happy at this new phase of her life, she had to rethink what happiness was. She needed to abandon her old teachings and develop new ideas – new beliefs.

TEA Begins

As you can see, change happens when we learn our early development patterns, understand that we learned to “do” life and relationships from our earliest attachment relationships, and that change would happen when we were able to allow ourselves a new way of thinking – when we allowed new belief structures to become the habits we wanted, instead of the habits and actions we didn’t want.

We’ve gone through the TEA process, as you’ll recall:

Your thoughts (beliefs, opinions, assumptions, perceptions and judgments) create your emotions, and your emotions create your actions. Thoughts can be subconscious or conscious – most of them are subconscious!  You don’t even know they exist.  Change happens when you know your subconscious thoughts.

Subconscious thoughts are learned habits. The way you learned to do relationships at a very young age is most likely the way you are DOING your relationships now!  Whether you’re securely attached or insecurely attached, you only know how to behave because you were taught to behave this way.

Examining early learning patterns of development with those important caregivers gives us a glimpse into WHY you feel and behave the way you do.  Now, to change how you feel and what you do, we simply have to change what we THINK.  We’ve come full circle now, back to my original post introducing the TEA!

In my next post, we’ll tie up the entire change process and identify specific steps that need to be taken to change. There is a formula for change – insert yourself in it, and you’ll feel different and behave differently. Easy as pie!

Missed some articles in the series?

• http://www.ichoosechange.com/how-people-change/ (Part 1)
• http://www.ichoosechange.com/how-people-change2/ (Part 2)

photo credit: tray

One of the first things I do when working with a client is ask them about their support group.  From friends, family, spouse, co-workers, church members, and others, I want to know who around this client knows what’s going on with them, and will support them no matter what.

Usually, I’m met with a “deer-in-headlights” look.

Rarely do clients want to take their “therapy issue” to their support system.  Spouses may know an angry side of the problem, but that’s not REALLY knowing.  But who helps us keep balanced?

By REALLY knowing someone, I’m talking about the core of that person, we experience a bond that is unlike any other bond – a trust.

So, this begs the question:  What kind of friends do you have? (And likewise, what kind of friend are YOU?)

In my view, there are three types of friends.  There are A friends, B friends, and C friends.  It’s important to know these types of friends because in tough times as well as happy times, your friendships are what matter MOST.  Let me explain…

“A” Friends - These are your compadres, your possee, and your absolute CLOSEST group of pals.  No, they aren’t just “pals.”  Your “A” friends are your “go to” people.  When times are at their lowest and you feel like you’re losing your mind, these are the people you can turn to.  From embarrassing times, sad times, angry times, stressed times and downright horrific times, these are the friends you turn to when you just need them to BE there. This friend is like family (in fact, could even BE a family member). You won’t have many of them, but this friend is a friend for life.  They are invaluable because they allow you the space to be who you are, craziness and all! (And, they aren’t afraid to “call you on your stuff.”)

“B” Friends - These are your “close” friends.  Yes, “A” friends are close, but they are more than close  They know the inner-workings of your world and what makes you tick.  Your “B” friends are there for you, bring you family dinners during hard times, lend you their ear, and pick you up when you’re down.  Your “B” friends are invaluable, and we need them en masse.  These are the people you grab coffee with when you’re feeling a bit low so they can tell you how great you are – they give us balance.  While they don’t know the “craziness” you can sometimes feel when you’re an emotional basket case, they do understand frustrations, anger, sadness and they care that you feel better.

“C” Friends - These are your acquaintances.  From social parties, sporting events, work functions and just “hanging out,” your “C” friends are the ones you can call on to enhance your social life on an occasional basis.  These are merely social friends.  They add value to your life because they keep you connected to the world, to like-minded people with the same interests as you, and with those with commonalities like motherhood and career woes.  However, your “C” friends aren’t privy to the inner workings of your world. You may flippantly talk about how “frustrated” you were during a situation or how “embarrassing” it was to _____, but they couldn’t know how much one of those situations was truly life changing.

Most people who lack a sufficient support system have plenty of “C” friends, and the occasional “B” friend.  But they don’t have nearly enough “A” friends, if any at all.  Your “A” friends are absolutely ESSENTIAL.

All friendships are essential.

We need friends and family in our life because they help us feel connected, loved, and appreciated. However, without a sufficient amount of each type of friend, especially “A” friends, life can feel incredibly lonely.  Even with many acquaintances around, it’s lonely when you feel like there’s no one to call on and talk to about your deepest worries, woes and life challenges.

You won’t have many “A” friends, by my calculation.  They are a rare breed.  To be an “A” friend is exhausting at times, and let it be known, you exhaust your “A” friends. But that comes with the territory of that type of friendship. Nevertheless, if you’re going through life without sufficient “A” friends, seek them out.

Your “C” and “B” friends can become your “A” friends. There are qualities you’ll want to look for when you’re looking to move your friends up in rank:

• You just have a “gut feeling” they are genuine, truthful, and honest, or you’ve experienced them as such
• You’ve experienced them helping someone else in crisis, and when they talk about that person, it’s never in a condescending way
• This person is full of values and morals that closely match yours
• The integrity of this person is unlike most people you come in contact with
• Somehow when you talk to this person, you feel at ease, “normal,” and like you can “be yourself” – in fact, this person helps you feel normal again!
• This person doesn’t “jump on the bandwagon” with you when you’re in crisis mode.  In other words, they are WITH you during your pain, but they don’t JOIN you in your pain.
• This person knows when to call “BS” and they aren’t afraid to confront you (lovingly) when you need it
• There is no gossiping, judging, or “caddiness” with this friend – only pure acceptance and love!

If you haven’t found your “A” friend, seek her out!  This person is crucial.  And, once you have your “A” friends in place, don’t forget to nurture your “B” friends, and hang out with your “C” friends – they love and need you to.  AND, you never know when one of those friends is looking for their next “A” friendship!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: StefZ

It’s no secret… the economy isn’t exactly booming.  And while I think we may have stabalized a bit, I am hearing many say their stress and anxiety levels are still on the rise!

I heard myself say on more than one occasion since the economy start floundering that I was secretly glad so many people were having to change their lifestyles.  The cat’s out of the bag now!  But here’s why I feel more positive when others are feeling the stress:  I see golden opportunities!

Whether you’re one who has lost your job or not, like many others you may have decided to tweak some things in your personal life just a bit.  And while I don’t advocate taking a “just in case” stance, I do think there are steps we can take that reap HUGE rewards in our personal lives during ANY economic climate.  Here are a few ideas:

1. Spend more time with family. Many claim to be in disparate need of life balance, eager to spend more time at home with family, but most don’t walk that talk.  When forced to act because of a lay off or downsize, some don’t know quite what to do with themselves.  I can’t think of one negative thing associated with some good, quality time with the family. Can you?
2. Find pleasure in small things. If you’ve decided to downsize, keeping a “wealth plan” (what others may call a “budget”) means getting creative so you won’t feel deprived.  Joy in small things can bring a renewed sense of spirit and energy!  Take your dog for an extra long walk.  Play games with your spouse and kids.  Air up the tires and go for a spin on your bike.  Watch a family movie that everyone enjoys.  Finding pleasure in small things can be very inexpensive, while providing incredible mental health rewards!
3. Eating in and being healthier. When I was growing up, eating out was considered a real treat!  It was only on special occasions like a birthday, graduation, or some other celebration that we saw the inside of a restaurant.  Today, my family eats out way more than I care to put in black and white!  In fact, most families I know eat out more than they should, which means we aren’t as healthy as we could be.  Eating in not only brings us closer to family (“a family that eats together, stays together”), but it helps our “bottom” line as well!
4. Picking up a new hobby. I mentioned that I crochet to a friend the other day, and was was met with a chuckle.  If you’re new to my blog, that fact may lead you to believe I’m eligible for a senior discount.  Nope!  I’m just someone who has found an extra hobby I enjoy!  Think of a new hobby you’d like to try like painting, knitting, bocce ball, horseshoes, gardening, web design, writing, or any number of things.  The sky’s the limit!
5. Working on personal development. What better time to work on your state of mind than now?   Mental health development is a lot like physical development:  when you begin a new exercise program, you aren’t going to notice much change.  But over time, you will begin to see the fruits of your labor.  You feel stronger, more self-confident, and more powerful!  So, while you’ve got more time on your hands, and whether you’re stressed and anxious or not, use this time to start a new journal, read a new self-help book, begin a new coaching program, or start your own support group.

There are many ways to stay connected, feel supported, and gain insight during good and bad economic times.  And if this is a time that propels you to do things differently in your life, bravo!

(Warning, shamless plug coming up!)  There are several ways I’m eager to help my clients during these times.  And, if you’ve thought about hiring a personal coach or counselor, but think you may not have the funds for it, think again.

There is no time like the present to work on bettering yourself. Here are a few things to consider:

• Join an upcoming support group to help you learn the basics of personal development and change.  Groups start at only $55/ month!
• Consider getting the support of a coach or counselor without ever stepping foot in an office.  Purchasing a “Change Retainer” package means you have a counselor at your email disposal throughout the month for only $85.
• Use your I Choose Change journal (free!), and weekly coffee with a good friend to help you make your own changes.  Just a little nudge from a counselor or coach to steer you in the right direction may be all you need.

Finding the positives in a negative economy isn’t incredibly easy, but it does test your willpower.  Make a list of ways you’d like to set your new course, then get started!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: visibleducts

Do you have tasks you want to accomplish or dreams you want to pursue, but seem to always have something standing in your way?

100% of all clients that step into my office come for one of only two reasons:

1. They’re doing something they don’t want to do (or want to do something they aren’t doing), and
2. They feel something they don’t want to feel, like anxiety, depression, loneliness, sadness, guilt, fatigue, or fear.

Anxiety is biggie.  That heart-racing, skin-sweating, heavy-breathing, I’m going to die feeling overtakes some people so fast, that the fear of having an anxiety attack can begin to be even more of a fear than the actual anxiety attack itself.

There are four types of destructive, anxiety-prone personalities listed in Luciani‘s book, Self-Coaching that are worth knowing:

• Worrywarts This is the what-iffing personality.  What if I lose my job?  What if my children don’t love me?  What if I have a wreck while I’m driving?  For the worrywart, losing control is at the forefront of their thoughts.
• Hedgehogs  This personality keeps people at arms length by spewing their general distaste about the world around them.  They can change on a dime from sweet and innocent to loathing, defensive, corrosive and bitter.  What this personality uses as a protective measure of the world around them is seen by others as negative, passive-aggressive, and generally unpleasant.  And, while the hedgehog is busy protecting itself with its porcupine needles, his personal life swirls down the toilet, leaving the hedgehog feeling even more depressed, anxious and untrusting.
• Turtles  Having the tendency to avoid confrontation, isolate, and struggle in social situations, this personality retreats from life when they begin to feel powerless in some aspect of their life.  You can recognize retreating turtle personalities in someone who overindulges in just about anything:  TV, drugs, sleeping, work, etc.
• Chameleons  This personality changes his behavior so as to manipulate the situation to make him more in control.  This type may be seen as the bully or someone who you deem as fake.  They utilize chameleon-like personality to change how others perceive them based on the situation.  In other words, they’re never the same person in any situation. 

All of these personality types create a life of anxiety and depression because the social and personal lives become lonely places.  They don’t keep friends easily.  When there is an intense need for control, yet feelings of powerlessness, they lash out at loved ones and keep at an arms length from them.  Left feeling empty, alone, lonely, isolated, and unloved, feelings of depression and anxiety takeover.

The anxious person acts out as a means to control their environment trying to decrease their anxiety.  But this only works to INCREASE anxiety, and sabotage personal relationships in the process.

When we can finally identify what we feel, as well as the actions we take to act out that feeling, the next step is to simply use the TEA Formula to start changing.  That is, get down to the nitty-gritty of what’s driving those unwanted emotions and actions.  Here’s how:

Step 1:  Ask yourself: What am I doing that is destructive?   Overindulging in food, sleep, sex, gambling, or TV?  Isolating myself, fighting with my spouse, yelling at my kids, and working too much, are a few examples.

Step 2:  Ask yourself: How am I feeling?  Usually summed up in one word:  lonely, sad, alone, guilty, depressed, anxious, ugly, anger, etc.

Step 3:  Ask yourself: What is the immediate thought, perception, judgment or opinion that preceded this feeling?  This is easily answered by knowing what your reaction is to something in your environment.  I don’t like how my husband talked to me, and it makes me feel angry.  My boss nit-picks my work and it makes me feel disrespected.  I have no time to myself because of all the roles I play during the day, and that makes me feel depressed.

– Side note about it makes me feel:  Remember, your thoughts are what make you feel what you feel, not the outside world.   But we often say this statement without being conscious.   Notice when you say this though, because you can identify what you feel pretty quickly. 

– The thoughts that immediately precede the feeling in the above statements are, I don’t like how my husband talked to me, My boss nit-picks my work, I have no time to myself.  Those statements, your thoughts and perceptions about OTHER THINGS that are out of your control,  are what create your emotions.  Now, your task is to simply change your perception, or thought, about that preceding event.

When you can get to your root thought sometimes that means becoming aware of your subconscious thought (making the subconscious, conscious).  Then you simply ask yourself: Is this a thought that is serving me well?

If you are feeling something you don’t want to feel or doing something you don’t want to do, like anxiety, then you can rest assured, the thought that got you to those feelings and actions could be tweaked a bit so you get a different feeling and action.

photo credit: Fiona MacGinty

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Mindful meditation is the art of bringing peace of mind even while we live in a world of chaos.  When a client said recently, “I’m just trying to be more mindful. Most people don’t even know what that is,” I knew he was right.  Simply put, mindfulness is this:   To think about what you’re thinking about.

There are many reasons to meditate and even if you only vaguely know what those reasons are, you may still be drawn to the practice simply because you’ve heard it can bring you more peace.  This is a simple, yet detailed guide that will make meditation an easy practice to add into your daily life.

How To Meditate

1. Find a comfortable place and position.

You can lie on your bed, sofa, or floor. Sit in your easy-chair, or cross-legged on the floor if that does it for you.

Me? I have two comfortable positions: 1) lying on my sofa (most likely in my office between clients); and 2) sitting on the floor with my legs crossed and a rolled-up blanket or pillow under my tailbone.

You might ask, “Why THAT crazy pose?” 

Now we get back to explaining that traditional image of the meditating person sitting cross-legged.  This specific pose tends to create a clean, clear stream of breathing straight from the diaphragm out your airway.

I add the towel or pillow under my tailbone because it lifts my spine off the floor just slightly, making it very hard to slouch. It’s a very comfortable position so try it!

Whatever comfortable place and position you pick, be sure they aren’t so comfortable they’re going to make you fall asleep. Sure, asleep, your mind will be quiet. But you’ll be so unconscious you won’t be thinking about what you’re thinking, and you won’t be able to set an even higher intention.

2. Start breathing.

To make it easy, count to 10 as you inhale and then count to 10 as you exhale. If you can’t make it to 10, try 7. What’s important is not so much the number as that your ENTIRE breath LAST for the entire count. If you don’t make it, you’ll hyperventilate and create anxiety for yourself because you’ll be holding your breath just trying to make it to 10. Don’t do that!

Your counting to 10 is for two reasons–and 2 reasons ONLY: 1) So you actually take deeeeep, looooooong breaths; and 2) so you focus on breathing and NOT on your dog barking, the argument you just had with your husband, or any other extraneous rigmarole. 

Some patients have told me they simply can’t count to 10 (or 7) because they can’t let their breath last that long and instead it just works them into a small frenzy. If this sounds familiar and you can’t count to a certain number, then don’t. Know that your breath is meant to do the two things mentioned above and, if it does, then you’re on track.

3. Keep breathing.

Let me set the record straight for all you beginners. You might have heard that meditation will deliver all the answers to life’s questions and conjure wonderful, magical thing. It’s not going to happen! Not on your first try anyway. Probably not your second, third, or fourth try either.

Meditation takes practice. Quieting your mind is NOT easy. 

So, for now, just breathe. Don’t worry yourself about deeper meanings and better health and doing it right and all that jazz. Breathe for 10 minutes using the steps above, then stop (not breathing, meditating!). Do it again the next day and the next day after that–for five days straight. Next, up it to 15 minutes for another five days, then 20 minutes for the five days after that.

If you can breathe consistently and slow down your mind more than ever before for 20 whole minutes, you’re ready to move to the next step. 

(By the way, what’s the best way to keep track of your time? Here’s a tip–set a timer. You don’t want your counting interrupted by the thought, “I wonder how long it’s been?”)

4. Think about what you’re thinking.

Yes, meditation is meant to quiet the mind. So it might seem a bit strange that I’m asking you to think about what you’re thinking. 

But if you’re able to slow yourself down enough so you can actually hear your own thoughts, I want you to do something that seems a bit strange, and will definitely feel strange.

I want you to step outside of yourself. While quiet, breathing, and calm, stand in front of yourself and watch yourself breathing. Imagine yourself calm, relaxed, and breathing easy. Then take a look inside your mind. See what’s going on there.

The first time you do this, you might hear yourself thinking, “This is really strange … am I even doing this right?” 

Or perhaps “I can’t see myself. This crap doesn’t work!” 

Still, keep at it. Remember, YOU are in control here. Your job is to take back your power. You really CAN see from the outside what you’re doing and hear what you’re thinking when you’ve quieted your mind enough to do so. 

But here’s the catch. I don’t want you to analyze, process, talk about (with yourself, that is), or do any ruminating WHATSOEVER about what you see and hear. I only want you to hear what you’re thinking. And then hear your next thought, the one after that. Hear yourself thinking, “Oh, there’s another thought … and, oh, there’s another one!” 

No judgment, just thought. (Trust me, you CAN do this … with some practice!) 

5. Set an intention.

Once you’ve mastered the above steps, you’re now ready to take CHARGE of your meditation. At this point, you’ll be able to quiet yourself in a snap–it will take a mere matter of a couple minutes–and then stay quiet for a good amount of time. 

By now, you’ll meditate for 30 minutes easy. You’ll be LOVING how rested, relaxed, and calm you feel after your breathing sessions. (You’re a regular now–yeah!)

When you’ve reached this level, this next step is to set an intention for your subconscious mind. Ohhhhh … exciting! But why?

Your subconscious thoughts take up 85% to 90% of the 60,000 total thoughts you have each day. By quieting your mind, the ultimate goal is to bring these subconscious thoughts to the surface–to get at what the heck you’re really thinking about most of the time so you can change it. 

Here’s an example: Let’s say you have a big decision to make, such as whether or not to take a new job that requires that you move your entire family to another city. It’s a big opportunity, but the decision doesn’t seem cut and dry in your conscious mind. You’re torn. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, your subconsious mind is working hard. It’s aware of your beliefs, emotions, and past memories–all of which could be keeping you stuck in uncertainty. 

photo credit: Steve Rhodes @ flickr

Your subconscious thoughts could be activating the “I’m really freaking scared of change because every time I do something like this, I start fighting with my spouse more, I can’t meet friends as quickly as I’d like, and my kids seem to go haywire!” cycle of uncertainty.

Your conscious mind may not be able to pinpoint this, but your subconscious belief system has it SPOT ON! 

In this example scenario, your intention for meditation might seem to be to answer the question: “What is the best work scenario for me? I’m stuck between my current job and new job, and I need a clear-cut answer.” 

But let’s be honest. I’ll be the first to admit that answers DON’T always come during meditation, and, when they do, they certainly don’t always come very clearly. Like a flashing neon sign in your brain that says, “TAKE THE NEW JOB!”

But ask anyone–ANYONE–who meditates regularly with intentions, and they’ll tell you that something miraculous happens during their meditations that helps them be more clear-headed. They realize answers that they didn’t have before setting a very clear intention for their meditation, quieting their mind, and thinking about their thoughts. 

6. Don’t put pressure on yourself.

I could have stopped this simple guide at No. 5, but I felt it’s important to add in this last step. Meditation can work wonders for your health and wellness. But put pressure on yourself to “perform” during meditation, and you will miss out completely on the powerful benefits of this practice. 

Many times, I find I don’t have an intention for my meditation. My life seems to be move along, quite nicely thank you, and I have no big dilemmas to work through. Well, whoop-de-do, right? 

My point is, the idea here is to induce a calm, relaxed, and stress-free environment for yourself.

Remember, this is YOUR practice! It never matters how someone else meditates. It doesn’t matter what other guides about meditation have said.

Your Meditation Practice

Put simply, it DOES NOT MATTER how YOU meditate if how you meditate works, feels right, and creates a space for quiet and calm.

I merely hope this guide encourages you to start meditating. Simply start. Do it once and know that, right away, you’re not going to be able to “just breathe.” You won’t be able to create gaps between your thoughts. And you definitely won’t be able to have any “a-ha” moments. 

But in time (a SHORT time, actually!), you will become a meditation expert!

Your Choice, Your Voice Discussion:

1. What is imperative for you: the past, the present or your future and why is it so ?

2. Does sitting idle in a place, doing nothing and just breathing in and out actually help and benefit a person and how?

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

A client said to me, “I’m just trying to be more mindful. Most people don’t even know what that is.”

You know what? I think he’s right. If I had to sum up mindfulness in one sentence, it would be: To think about what you’re thinking about.

The purpose of mindful meditation is to become aware of the present moment without any pressure to do, think, or be anything other than what you are doing, thinking, or being at that very moment. 

No need to worry about the past because it has already happened. No need to contemplate the future because it hasn’t yet happened. Just bring awareness to this very moment, as it is, without any judgment, because our present moment is always changing. 

Sri Swami Venkatesananda suggests that you can ruin the practice of meditation by stating the benefits of meditation, because you introduce a goal into something meant to be goal-less. 

He says, “The moment you introduce a goal to meditation, it is gone. Happiness in life comes not by manipulating what you want to achieve but by paying attention to something seemingly totally unconnected with it.” 

I would agree. However, I might be getting way of head for those of you who are already scratching your head and wondering, “I don’t even know what this meditation thing is and why it’s important to do, let alone how to ruin it!” 

For those of you out there, here are the first steps, the essential how-tos, the building blocks to success. Your simple guide. 

In this one article here, I will not only list reasons to meditate, but make the practice of meditation easy. 

The List of Reasons Why You Should Meditate

1. Heal your mind and your body. Because your body and your mind are intimately connected, it’s important to know how your thoughts, beliefs, and emotions affect the physical well-being of your body. Prolonged stress without relief, for example, can cause headaches, upset stomach, high blood pressure, heart problems, and high cholesterol and can contribute to depression and anxiety symptoms. Want more on this connection? Read WebMD’s article on the stress’ effects. 

2. Escape the noise. Our lives are filled with noise. All three kinds of noise:

• Physical noise like people’s talking, music, television, or anything externally that distracts your immediate train of thought.
• Psychological noise of your judgments, thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, and internal biases you bring to every conversation or situation.
• Physiological noise like a headache, stomachache, or other bodily functions that may disrupt your current train of thought.

Meditation is a practice to free you from all three. It helps you create a quiet space for yourself where you put your judgments, stereotypes, and biases aside and distance your mind from any physical symptoms you may feel at the present moment.

3. Improve mood and immune function. Research suggests mindfulness meditation helps with a whole host of conditions. For instance, mindful meditation seems to help ease the symptoms of anxiety, and practitioners in one study had a better immune response to the flu vaccine than those who did not meditate. 

Another study found that cancer patients who did mindfulness meditation for seven weeks had 31% lower stress symptoms and 67% less mood disturbance than those who did not meditate. 

The National Institute of Health’s Center of Complimentary and Alternative Medicine has done research on the effects of meditation on various ailments, including eating disorders, rheumatoid arthritis, heart disease, HIV, depression, and lower back pain. Results in all these studies looked good.

The Purpose of Meditation 

Meditation doesn’t have to be involve you sitting Indian-style wearing a robe (though there is a reason this image is part of the tradition–which I’ll touch upon in Part 2).

Really, to get started, all you need is the intention to quiet your mind.

Why quiet your mind? That noise we talked about before, remember? 

Also, by quieting your mind, you are then able to actually HEAR yourself THINK. 

If you’ve followed all my posts here, you’ll know that I wholeheartedly believe in the power of your thoughts. They control your every emotion and action. So you better know what you’re thinking! 

I tell my clients–and now I’m telling you: You need to think about what you’re thinking about. It’s a very important aspect of change. But it’s not easy to do unless you quiet your mind.

OK, OK, you get it. But after all this talk about quieting your mind, how do you do it?  Stay tuned!  If your taste buds have been tempted, you won’t want to miss Part 2 of Meditation Made Easy!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: Pandiyan

Editor’s note:  I originally posted this in October 2008.  The content is still relevant today as I’m revisiting authenticity!

I have found it – the definition of authenticity! Sure, there are plenty of Toms, Dicks, and Harrys out there who claim to know all about “authentic” life styles. They say, “Listen to me. I can guide you to happiness!” Then they charge you an arm and a leg. But I think I have found the real definition of authenticity. Here it is, for free I might add. (You’re welcome!)

It comes by way of Brian Goldman, a graduate student at the University of Georgia in Athens. He was digging through centuries-old research and philosophy when he uncovered what I think is a pretty great definition:

“The unimpeded operations of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.

Ohhh … pretty! How simple and sweet is that, huh?

I agree completely with it too, which you probably already knew because I’ve been using the same definition of authenticity for quite sometime now.

Another one of my favorites is Neil Lark Warren’s 10 Characteristics in Finding Contentment. I’ve also recently been struck by so-called physical acts of authenticity, which the authors outlined in a newer issue of Psychology Today.

These physical acts of authenticity are:

1. Meditate. Think of it only as a way to get to your “happy place,” not a technique to influence outside forces. For instance, why do you work? To earn money to buy pretty things. Why do you meditate? To achieve internal happiness. I can handle that.

2. Be Deliberate. Be conscious that you have choices. You can choose to change (“I choose change” anyone?), or you can choose to stick with what you have. You can choose to move forward, go backward, or do nothing at all. Being deliberate simply means acting consciously, with purpose.

3. Act Intuitively. Sure, you got me; this runs counter to No. 2. But as we’ve talked about before, acting consciously can sometimes be detrimental when too much rationalizing and reasoning gets in the way of your gut feelings. Don’t be afraid to follow your instincts. They’re there to guide you forward.

4. Create Solitude. There’s nothing like shutting down–on purpose–so you can recharge. We’re talking power down your blackberry, shut your door, turn off the TV and the laptop, and provide yourself the space to just thing and be. Authentic people regularly look inside and listen to their intuition, but they can’t do this with all the chaos of the modern world swirling around them.

5. Stay Connected. Thomas Moore, author of A Life at Work, says, “Community is an outlook toward life in which you define yourself in relation to the world around you, rather than only in connection with yourself.” Community, he is saying, is a way to enlarge our own sense of self.

6. Play Hard. Don’t hold back when doing what you really love, whether it’s tennis, running, art, dancing. It allows you to fully express who you are at your core.

7. Be Willing to Lose. Authentic people know that failure is part of growing. You must be willing to stare down your failures, learn from them, and move forward if you are to live an authentic life.

I take no credit for the above definitions.  But I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of taking personal responsibility for life’s challenges.  That means peering inside for answers on why we do what we do, feel what we feel, and think what we think.  It’s only through an authentic life that we can look internally, and take personal responsibility.  Personal responsibility is the  genius of change!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: wander.lust

Editor’s Note:  This article was originally published in 2007.

“Immaturity is allowing someone else to author your history. Maturity is accepting the authorship of your history. You cannot change history, but you can write history.”

As I fumbled through some old files, cleaning up my home office, I ran across a journal of quotes I’d started in 1994. I opened the journal, and right there on the first page was this magical little quote.

During my Junior year of college, 1994, Dr. Anderson was especially memorable for his life lessons. As I read this quote, now 14 years later, I felt nostalgic.  More importantly, I remember why I’d decided to keep that statement in my stash!

What It All Means

The more we retell the stories of our past, “the more important they will seem. Replaying breakup or accident scenes heightens their sentimental power, akin to repeatedly ripping the scab off a wound,” says Flora in “Self-Portrait in a Skewed Mirror.”  Wouldn’t it stand to reason that if we retell a NEW story from our past, that will become just as important? The stories we make up in our minds create our emotional attachment to them.

Maturity, by definition, means being fully developed in body or mind. It is being grounded and centered in our thoughts and in our emotions; feeling as if we are “somebody” and that we’ve accomplished great things. Sometimes we compare “a time when” to “now” as a guage for our own maturity.

The problem with living in “a time when” is that we fall victim to the stories of our past.  The stories of our past – growing up in a divorced home, lacking the same opportunities as others, or being the child of an alcoholic. Those are the stories we hold onto. We use them as excuses for who we are NOW, what we’re doing now, and how we feel NOW. But, that is an immature process. Our past CAN define us, yet we can also define our past.

How to Define Your Past

Maturity means accepting that you created everything in your past.  Your history was created by you.

This is a hard pill to swallow. “What do you mean I CREATED the alcoholic parents I had”  Or, “There is no way I CREATED a childhood like that.”  Well, no, you didn’t create the circumstances of your life (or maybe you did, but that’s for another article). But you DID create an emotion and a belief based on those circumstances.

From birth through about the age of 18, you were a follower (well, except through the teenage years when most of us rebelled like crazy). But now that you’re an adult, you can no longer hang on to the stories of your past.  And frankly, if you want to change the emotions you have now, it’s essential to change your belief about the events of your past.  Here’s how:

1.  Observe Your Past – Think about an event in your life that has you emotionally charged.  What gets you all riled up inside emotionally?  Now, see that event just as it is – an event or circumstance.  For a moment, distance yourself from being part of the event, and simply see the situation as if you’re watching a movie.

2. Know Your Emotions – Notice the emotions that well up in you as you think about that event or circustance you’re watching.  Is it anger, sadness, fear, or rage?  Are you emotionally charged when you think about how you were wronged, what someone did to you, how people behaved around you, or how you were mistreated?

3.  Change The Scene – Obviously,  you know the event or situation you’re now watching is in the past, but if it’s an emotionally difficult time, it feels like it’s happening right now, right?  So, as you step back, continue to simply watch your “movie” and notice how you feel, change the scene. Imagine that you’re the director of this play, and you have the ability to develop the characters of your play differently than you’re now imagining.  Create a new image in your mind of the situation playing out in front of you.

4.  Create New Emotional Memory – By changing the scene of your movie (essentially changing your past event in your mind), you have 100% control over how you feel.  You will begin to create a new emotional attachment to your history.

You see, your perceptions ARE your reality. For example, instead of thinking “I’m an adult child of an alcoholic”, how about the new thought, “I’m an adult child of a loving, caring Mother?”  Yes, she may have in fact be an alcoholic mother, but wasn’t she other things as well?  And, doesn’t it give you a different feeling to dwell on those things?

I haven’t known anyone better to rewrite perception of history than Dave Pelzer, author of “Child Called It.”  He writes about overcoming severe mental, physical and neglectful abuse at the hands of his mentally disturbed, alcoholic mother.  For mere survival, he created a different perception of his circumstances.

Remember, it’s not EVENTS that create such a strong emotion.  It’s your PERCEPTION OF THE EVENT.  You can create from the events of your past whatever you’d like to create, hence creating a new emotion.

Immaturity or Maturity?

Dan McAdams of  Northwestern University says we construct our lives around our own “personal myths.”  Our job now, is to determine how you want to view your own personal myths.

From this day forward, you must decide how you want to live your life – as one who has no control or one who has absolute control over the stories of your past.  You can decide to have a NEW history. If you truly want to fast forward through your emotional angst, you have to perceive those stories differently.

Letting go is difficult, but it must be done, there is no other way.

I was talking to a colleague today who said he uses the Marine creed with his clients: Improvise, adapt, and then overcome. That is exactly what you must do, but first make the decision. When you are ready to move forward, you will. If you choose to remain stuck, you will. The choice is yours.

“Maturity is accepting the authorship of your history. You cannot change history, but you can write history.” Will you choose to write yours?

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Image via Wikipedia

One thing is very true about my counseling style:  I am nothing if not bipolar in my style!  Let me explain…

My main mode of therapy is pretty hardcore by some standards.  I would describe myself as an “REBT Therapist” which stands for “Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.”  It’s a “kicked up” version of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which basically asserts that what we think about controls our emotions and our actions, and we need to simply (ha ha) change what we’re thinking, and voila – we change what we feel and what we do!

At the other end of the spectrum, I am very spiritual in nature.  I’m also interested in how the very earliest relationships shape all other relationships throughout our lifespan (with our children, our spouse, our boss, our friends, the 7-eleven clerk – you get the idea).

With that in mind (and because I’m smack-dab in the middle of the “How People Change” series and these books are fresh on my mind), I made a list of 10 books I think every family must read, utilize, read again, highlight, dog ear, and keep on their bedside table,  in their purse and in their bathroom.

There are NUMEROUS books I could recommend (most of which are at the I Choose Change Bookstore), but I’ve narrowed down my list to just 10.  These are not in order.  They should all be listed as #1!

Enjoy!

1. The Developing Mind: How Relationships and The Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are by Daniel Siegel
• A Psychiatrist turned Psychologist turned Parenting Guru turned author helps explain how early relationships literally shape the brain.  A fascinating read, especially for parents of children wondering, “Does it REALLY matter what happens around my children when they are ONLY 6 months old — all they can do is babble, anyway!”
2. Becoming Attached:  First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity To Love by Robert Karen
• A must-read for every single client that steps foot in my office.  Most have been given it for homework, few have accomplished the task (and we wonder why so few people actually change?  Hmm.)  The author illustrates, just as Daniel Siegel does above, how our relationships shape who we are.  It’s chock-full of research mumbo-jumbo, but if you’re fascinated with what makes you tick, you’ll be at the edge of your seat the entire time you read!
3. As a Man Thinketh by James Allen
• If you follow my blog at all, you’ll know I’m a huge fan of keeping your thoughts in check!  ”As a Man Thinketh, So Is He” is a literary work by James Allen from 1902, but the quote is from the Bible, Proverbs 23:7.   This is a must-read!
4. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers
• Everyone faces fear, but not everyone conquers fear. This book by Susan Jeffers is timeless!  It has concrete steps that can be used to overcome any fear.
5. The 5 Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate by Gary Chapman
• This is an easy read, and although it’s a couples how-to book, I also recommend it if you aren’t in a relationship.  The love languages apply to your children, and to almost everyone else you find yourself in a relationship with (friends, bosses, etc.)
6. The Four Agreements:  A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz
• There are four simple rules to life according to Don Miguel Ruiz: Be Impeccable With Your Words, Don’t Take Anything Personally, Don’t Make Assumptions, and Always Do Your Best.  This book will address all of these rules in detail – a simple, short, easy book, packed with a lot of power!
7. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• A great read, helping parents talk to their kids so there is a deeper, richer connection AND so kids respect parents and parents respect their kids.
8. Parenting From The Inside Out by Daniel Siegel
• I’m a die-hard Dan Siegel fan.  His material is research-based (essential for me!), and his parenting book is right on target.  This is a must read for any and all parents wanting to know how to raise happy, healthy adults.
9. A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis
• Albert Ellis is THE guru for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, showing how thoughts directly impact emotions and actions.  If you’re following my “How People Change” series
10. The Power of Now: A Guide To Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle
• We can all use a guide on how to live in the moment.  This book is THE best book I know of teaching how to live in the present moment instead of anxiously in the future or in the past.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.