Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Do this…no don’t do that….for goodness sake NEVER do that! You should do this. Be absolutely sure you always do that…

Being a parent is not for the faint-hearted. How do you decide whose advice to take…your parents, your friends, your church, TV, internet, your own little voice? One of the major decisions facing millions of parents every day is the “to daycare or not to daycare” conundrum.  For most it’s a necessity, a necessary evil. Others use it as a break from the henpecking from their precious bundles. However it’s used, all options should be considered. It’s not about being “right” or better than your neighbor, it’s about being informed about your choices and choosing the best one for your family.

According to a recent report by the National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies (NACCRRA), 63 percent of the nation’s children under five years of age are in some type of child-care arrangement every week;  most parents assume such programs are regulated to ensure the health and safety of their children.  In reality, that is often not the case.

You know the horror stories. And to top it off, just 10 states require unannounced inspections of child-care centers; only 12 states require caregivers working in child-care centers to have training in early childhood education prior to working with children; and a mere 10 states require caregivers who work from their homes to be licensed.

And, while 63% of children under five are in childcare, let’s not forget how critical the first five years of life are – 90 percent of brain development occurs during those years. “Forty-six percent of kindergarten teachers report that at least half of their students are not prepared to learn,” Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT).

Don’t get me wrong. There are good daycares out there, whether commercial or run out of a home. For example, a Parents.com report indicates that children in high quality child care have better social, math, and language skills, as well as fewer behavior problems. Moreover, several long-term studies have shown that kids in high-quality early childhood programs are significantly less likely to drop out of school, repeat grades, need special education, or commit crimes. In fact, a recent study by the Committee for Economic Development (CED) revealed that for every dollar invested in such programs, taxpayers receive a net benefit of $2 to $4, a significant boost to the long-term economic growth of the country.

Do your research and do the math…perhaps it’s costing you more to put your child in daycare.  I know, at one point, the daycare expenses exceeded my mortgage each month.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Easy for you to say! I have to work, I’m a single parent..what am I supposed to do?” You do what you need to do. If an outside daycare is the answer, that’s fine, but just do the balancing of pros and cons…can you go back to work later in your child’s development (is 6 weeks really enough time for your baby to get attached and bonded?), can you scale back work, can you change hours, can you enlist family members or close friends, can you cut back on expenses so maybe doing with less enables you to stay at home, or can you get involved and vote for the policy makers that make your child’s education and social development a high priority?

Can you work with your selected daycare on getting the message out that kids matter! Because after all, they will run the country some day, so perhaps putting in that extra effort up front, which pays out in spades, is worth it.

At the finish line you won’t look back and say, “I was right or she was wrong”…you’ll be too busy watching your children thrive in their best environment, because you’ll be empowered with the research, the pros and cons and the fact that you made the best decision possible.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: T Hall

Like a deer in headlights.

That’s how Mom looked when I asked, simply, “How do you show your son love?”

There was a looooooong pause.  Blinking.  Total befuddlement.  I waited.  Waited.  Waited.  Then she said, “I’ve just been so angry at him lately.  He intentionlly does things that make me mad.  I can’t show him love right now.”

Excuse me?  You can’t do what?  Because your son is acting like a mad man, you can’t show him love?  (You know the kind of “mad man” behavior I’m talking about, right?  The kind that screams, “SHOW ME ATTENTION!!!”)

Ok, here’s the thing.  Kids are none of these things:  vindictive, out to get you, or purposely pissing you off.  And, as parents, we must, must, MUST separate the PERSON from the BEHAVIOR in our kids.  If we can love our kids without putting conditions on that love, the behavior won’t be NEAR as bad.  In fact, some of their craziness may stop altogether.

This story makes me angry.  Really angry.

My last post listed ways to raise a happy, healthy, and secure child.  One of the ways to know your child doesn’t fit into that category is if he consistenly acts like a 2-year old let loose in rain puddles!  His environment affects the his behavior in big ways.  I know I’ll tick off some parents who read this, but it’s a statement I’m willing to stand by and back up.

In a response to my earlier post, one commenter wrote, “I knew my dad loved me, but…”  Stop right there.

As an adult you can logically and rationally deduce that your father loved you because he did X, Y, and Z (fed you, clothed you, and worked hard for the family for example).  But as a child, you didn’t think that way.  Your daydreams  didn’t sound anything like the ponderings we have as adults.

Children don’t deduce the way you can now.  As a child, missing out on the nurturing, tenderness, and hugs may have sent the message that you weren’t lovable.

What if you didn’t receive those things as a child?  How would you know?

There are several clues that may tell you if you received the “your love didn’t come free” message as a child.  Check for these signs in your life:

• Frequent arguments in your marriage
• Yelling, fighting, and uncontrollable children
• Unstable job history and/or frequent unhappiness
• Chronic bouts of depression or anxiety
• Lack of supportive friendships
• Feeling out of control or wronged a lot of the time
• Chronic lack of self-esteem and self-confidence

If you find yourself stuck in adulthood feeling unhappy, unhealthy, and insecure, you might need to revisit your own inner child.  Your little guy (or little girl) is waiting to be loved.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: orangeacid

Publisher’s note:  This article is intended for teenagers and parents of teenagers.

I’ve got a secret.  And, this little piece of information can change your life, I mean – REALLY CHANGE!

Here’s the thing:  You want your parents off your back.  You want to spend more time with friends, make your own decisions, and stop being treated you like you’re 10.  Right?  You and I both know you’re smart, capable of making good choices, and ready to be trusted.  But somehow, Mom and Dad missed the memo (or so it seems).

Only Two Things Stand Between You and Freedom

I’m about to tell you how you can change your relationship with your parents.  But first, there are two things that stand between you and a little more freedom.  There are only two reasons your parents won’t let you stay out later than 10:00pm (on the weekend!), hang out after the last movie with your friends, and bans you from texting that cute thing you met in biology class.

There are two reasons your parents can’t seem to loosen their grip.  They are very simple, so listen up:

1.  Your parents don’t trust you. I know…”Duh!”  But what’s important here is knowing WHY they don’t trust you, so you can do something about it.  If you’ve ever, since the age of 10, done something that questioned your ability to make a good decision in your parents eyes, you’ve lost some of their trust.  If you’ve done more than one thing, you’ve lost a lot more trust.  And if you’ve done things repeatedly that fall in the, “that was really dumb” category, you probably have no trust left.

This is going to sound a bit harsh, but it’s important so I’m going to be honest:  Not so long ago, you WERE a kid, and if you’re like anyone else on the planet, you HAVE done things that fall in the “that was really dumb” category.  There are many things, big and small, that could fall into this category:  you lied about your grades, you stayed out past curfew, you were caught texting your girlfriend at three o’clock in the morning, or you got busted smoking pot.  Maybe you snuck into an R-rated movie, lied about doing your homework, or skipped first period.

Whatever you’ve done, big or small, Mom and Dad will use those things to remind you how you absolutely CANNOT make good decisions, nor can you be trusted.  Now, you’re at a standstill.  You want them to trust you, but they won’t loosen the grip long enough for you to prove yourself.

2.  Your parents see you as a kid. If your parents saw you as the growing adult you are, they would allow you to make more decisions.

Your parents have always made decisions for you.  They decided what you ate (think squash, peas and ham!), what you wore, how you fixed your hair, and what activities you partcipated in.  Most likely, your parents told you what you could and could not do since they day you entered planet earth.

Somewhere along the way you stopped being a kid, but your parents didn’t notice.  Their “parent instinct” is still in high gear since you CLEARLY aren’t capable of making good choices (not!).  To make matters worse, if you’ve made a decision in the past that falls into the “that was really dumb” category, you’ve dug yourself a very big hole!

The Difference Between Parents, Adults, and Children

Most all parents are adults, but not all adults are parents.  Your goal is to have a more “adult” relationship with your parents.  Your parents have to move out of that “parent” role and start treating you more like an adult.  First, let me tell you the difference between a “parent” and “adult.”

• Parents are controlling people. They’re the ones who make and enforce rules.  They aren’t afraid to take control, have the final word and use discipline whenever they deam necessary.  While parents give children choices, parents have ultimate control.
• Children are dependent little people. They depend solely on parents to provide everything for them.  By nature, kids are self-involved and want immediate gratification.  They can’t do much for themselves, so they look to their mature, loving, responsible parents to do it for them.  Therein lies the future problem…
• Adults are responsible, mature people. Adults, like your friends, are respectful and trustworthy.  Mature adults aren’t demanding, don’t enforce rules, and aren’t controlling.  Having an “adult” relationship is about mutual respect, trust and understanding.

In order to gain more freedom, trust, and responsibility, your “adult parent” needs to see you behaving as an “adult child” – someone who is respectful and capable of making wise decisions.  Are you respectful?  Are you trustworthy?  If you can’t answer “yes” to both of these questions, it means you’ve been acting like a child.  And if you act like a child, you’re going to get a parent breathing down your neck!

You can see the logic here, right?  The more you make good choices, behave maturely, think wisely, and open up to your parents, the more they will loosen the grip.  The more you behave like an “adult,” the more your parents will have no choice but to move from “child parent” to “adult parent.”

There is only one thing that can help change the predicament you’re in:  Start acting more like an adult.

The truth is, you aren’t a kid anymore. Your parents won’t loosen their grip overnight.  They have a bit of changing to do, too!  Give it some time, and always think about what a mature, responsible adult would do in any situation. With time, you’ll have a more loving, trusting, and open relationship with your ADULT parents!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

 

 

photo credit: gilesclement

Stop pointing fingers.  In difficult situations, being able to examine ourselves in a full-length mirror is crucial.  We want to be able to ask, “What part did I play in this situation? What were my errors?  Where are my flaws?”

Taking responsibility of our own thoughts, emotions and actions is empowering!  It means we are able to step back from a situation and view it from a different perspective.  We’re able to look beyond ourselves and see an alternative way of thinking – an alternative belief.  

Personal responsibility is a choice.

Blame is crippling.  It creates anger, resentment, frustration, self-loathing, depression, and bitterness.  Yet, we all have a tendency sometimes (or more than sometimes), to blame other people, ourselves or situations for how we feel, what we think, and what we do.

 

In his new book, “Feeling Good Together,” David Burns discusses the issue of blame at length.  Blame is one of those “distorted thoughts” we cognitive therapists recognize almost immediately.  The opposite of blaming is taking personal responsibility for your OWN thoughts, feelings, and actions.  What Dr. Burns outlines in his book is empowering:

Self-Blame Characteristics:

• Tell yourself things like, “I’m not good enough, It’s all my fault, and I’m hopeless.” 
• Feel guilty, ashamed, inferior, anxious, and hopeless.
• Withdraw and start to loath yourself, unable to handle any criticism whatsoever.
• Avoid other people, shutting down and inducing loneliness.
• Look demoralized, discouraged, defeated and defective.
• Become lonely, depressed, anxious, and stuck in an isolated world.

Other-Blame Characteristics:

• Say thinks like, “He’s such a jerk!  She is completely wrong, and It’s all his fault!”
• Feel angry, resentful, hurt, and frustrated.
• Remain defensive, arguing about how you’re “right” and the other person or situation is “wrong.”
• Put up walls of resentment, fighting and arguing to protect yourself or to get back at someone.
• Look judgmental, defiant, sarcastic, and hurt.
• Become bitter, argumentative, and unrealistic over time.

Personal Responsibility Characteristics:

• Remain objective and non-judgmental, recognizing personal errors and taking steps toward resolution.
• Feel a sense of self-respect, but also healthy sadness, concern or remorse in difficult situations.
• Listen while trying to find truth in other’s feedback and criticism. 
• Share own feelings, yet being respectful of other’s feelings and thoughts.
• Engage others to develop better understanding of their perspective and viewpoint.
• Remain open, receptive, respectful, empathic, interested, and caring.
• Experience more intimacy, trust, satisfaction, and self-respect.

 

It is a challenge when, in the heat of a moment of a difficult situation, we stop to think about how WE are behaving that is creating the emotional upheavel.  We are 100% responsible for the frustration, anger, sadness, and any other emotional disturbance we feel in any given scenario.  Change occurs when we make the choice to re-examine ourselves, fully, in a full-length mirror.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

 

 

Adam was a 10-year-old boy who evacuated with his family from New Orleans to Texas after Hurricane Katrina. His mother brought him to counseling after she noticed that he had trouble adjusting to his new life in the Lone Star State. 

Adam was depressed. Noticeably. The mother’s bubbly boy became sad and soft spoken and gained weight. He could no longer concentrate in school. Bullies picked on him because of his new living arrangements. 

Worse still, it was a year since the move to Texas, but Adam was still having a hard time with the transition. And as a 10-year-old kid, he didn’t have the words to articulate his feelings to his parents. 

At Adam’s first session, I introduced him to play therapy. He perked up and said, “You mean I don’t have to talk?” 

“Only if you want to”, I answered. 

Over the next several months, he drew, painted, played board games, and told stories. What he didn’t know was that, while he was playing, he was communicating to me about the problems in his life. 

Play therapy works with children like traditional talk therapy with adults. Except with most children, they haven’t yet developed the verbal and cognitive skills to communicate their feelings and thoughts with words. But on the other hand, children are extremely imaginative and creative. So play therapy lets them express themselves in a way that feels natural, safe, and comfortable. 

Usually, play therapy is used with children under 12. For some kids, it works immediately and they quickly become comfortable speaking to a therapist. For others, it takes a few weeks of play for them to open up. Even teens who think they are too old “to play” respond well to a combination of art therapy and traditional counseling.

Parents often ask what they can do to help facilitate the same environment I do with their kids. 

Here are some things that you, as a parent, can do to encourage the use of play at home as a tool for communication and healthy expression of emotions:

1. Allow your children to be creative in their play-give them the power to decide what and how they want to play.  Remember, how they play can tell you a lot about how they’re feeling, even when they can’t verbally express themselves.

2. Create a safe environment for your child. This allows them to feel comfortable when expressing their thoughts and feelings.

3. Pay attention to your child’s playful clues, which will help you interpret what their play may symbolize.  Remember, don’t over-analyze.  Just like adults sometimes want to “talk it out,” children often want to “play it out” so playing may be all they need to blow off steam!

4. Be comfortable allowing your child to express his feelings. Many parents I have come across as a therapist are limiting their child’s expression of feelings simply because they feel uncomfortable with what their children may say. Be sure that what your child DOESN’T express is far worse than what he or she DOES express.

5. Always be patient with your child. Children are great at picking up on both spoken and unspoken rules and feelings. If your child senses your lack of patience, disinterest, or lack of attention, they are more likely to not open up to you about how they are feeling. 

Through these techniques, children learn to identify and express feelings appropriately. How to put words to things like anger, frustration, and embarrassment. 

If your child has trouble communicating his or her frustrations, play therapy may be the perfect choice.  

So, what happened to Adam, our reason for talking about play therapy? At the end of our time together nearly a year together, Adam came out of his shell. He learned how to stand up to bullies, do better in school, and even asked his mom if he could join the neighborhood basketball team. 

Adam was no longer depressed. He was on his way to becoming a happy, well-adjusted child.

Erica S. Gould is a Licensed Professional Counselor helping children, teens, and adults achieve happiness and reach their full potential. She can be reached through her website at http://www.ichoosechange.com/erica.html.