Change isn't easy. Yet, baby steps will get you there.

I'd like to summarize what change is, and what change isn't, wrapping up my Change Series.

Change is...

• a mindset shift. It's knowing there are behaviors about yourself you don't like, and deciding it's time to change those behaviors.
• a choice. Knowing that you have total control over what you think, how you feel, and what you do, gives you immense power to change the things you want to change.
• simple. In theory, change is simple. Understanding the simple formula for change - that you must intimately know, then work to change, your own subconscious belief system about yourself, others, and your worldview - is the fastest path to change.
• a journey. Growth of the mind happens gradually. The more you know, the more you're willing to embrace your core self. The core self is the person you are without all the added schemas of life - without all the "crap" that has been piled on you, through your lifetime. At the core of your being, you are perfect just as you are - emotionally sound, spiritually connected, and able to trust the process of life.

Change is not...

• going to happen today. Sorry, it's just not. But it can start today, once you embrace a new mindset, understanding that YOU are the one in control of every aspect of your life - not the things that happen TO you, but your reaction and mindset toward those things. You have ultimate power.
• not easy. Okay, yes, it is easy, when you embrace the tools you already have within you, and use them. But it's not easy if you're expecting it to come swiftly through a pill, or a class, or one simple little book. Change doesn't happen that way. Change is a journey. Embrace the journey.
• only about you. When you change, the world is affected. First, your immediate surroundings - your husband, your kids, your boss, and your friends. They'll notice, and when they do, they'll like what they see, or they won't. And then you'll have some decisions to make about them in your life.

So, how does one change?

First, take some time to examine your upbringing. What brought you to the place you are right now? What were you taught? What relationships were you witness to? How were you treated when you were younger? How were your siblings treated?

I highly encourage you to work with a coach or therapist who is trained and skilled in attachment theory. "Attachment theory" isn't a skill set, per se. It's a knowledge-base. It is a fundamental understanding of why people are the way they are. Using some very specific tools and probing techniques, an attachment therapist can help you understand the theme of your life, and what has you stuck. It's only when you understand what you're holding onto, that you'll be able to let it go.

Second, embrace the TEA Process. That is, embrace your power!  Your subconscious belief system (which you'll come to know through the attachment theory process, as stated above) are your thoughts! Your thoughts care your emotions, and your emotions create your actions. Therefore, if you want to change what FEEL and what you DO, you must change what you THINK. Changing what you think means understanding WHY you think what you think. I wish it was as simple as, "Well, stop thinking that!" but it's not. If it were that easy, you wouldn't be reading this.

Change your subconscious thinking - your ingrained processes of thought - and you'll be well on your way to change.

That's it! Change is two steps. Embrace the journey of YOU. Understand your brain, and why you do the things you do. Then, take back your power, and change how you feel and what you do, day by day.

I highly encourage you to read my entire change series:

Let's Have TEA!: Part 1

Actions Speak: Part 2

Feelings. Nothing more than...Feelings: Part 3

A Thought to Consider: Part 4

Think!: Part 5

Memory: Part 6

The Hardcore Method: Part 7

Tabula Rasa: Part 8

Momma Trauma: Part 9

Early Learning Matters: Part 10

I may have [purposely] created a pretty bleak picture in my last post, Momma Trauma:

• “We all face issues from childhood that ‘mess us up.’”
• “When a child enters into adulthood without the foundation of this secure base (otherwise known as a “secure attachment”) there are many, many problems that surface in their relationships.”
• “How you manage friendships, intimate relationships, work relationships, sibling relationships, parental relationships – all relationships! – are a direct result of what was encoded early on – what was taught.”
• These statements are all true, but there is VERY good news!

Attachment is only part of the puzzle.  A large part, yes, since the “encoding” that takes place within your brain sets the stage for many of your behaviors in adulthood, but this encoding within the brain is a learned process.  In other words, you weren’t born with this specific set of behaviors. They were given to you on a silver platter, and you slurped up the lessons because you didn’t know any better.

Temperament is a large part of the puzzle as well.  The personality you’re born with acts with the learned behaviors to create the adult you are today!  Ta-da!

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 
― Dr. Seuss

So the point to take away here is, what you feel and what you do are LEARNED.  And what is learned, can be UNLEARNED.  Yeah!  I didn’t say the process was easy, I just said it was possible. But to find out the “how” it’s useful to find out the “why”, which is why it’s important to understand what we learned about relationships and life when we were little.

Certainly, a majority of people aren’t abandoned as Annie was in my last post.  But let’s use Annie’s experience to further illustrate attachment and it’s effects on adulthood behaviors.

You might say Annie’s parents didn’t really “abandon” her, right?  She was sick and she needed to stay in the hospital. Annie’s mother was doing what any loving, caring caregiver would do in this instance, right?  She was seeking medical attention!  And you might say that is enough – that Annie would come around. That once she was TOLD why she was there, it would be enough for her to understand why she was left alone, and hence, she would quickly get over any negative feelings she had on the issue.

The problem with that line of thinking, however, is that babies aren’t “thinking” beings – yet. Remember, babies don’t have the cognitive structures of an adult. They certainly don’t have the decision-making processes in place!  More than anything, babies and young children – children younger than about 5 years old – are emotional, creative beings.  The right side of their brain – the creative side – is what is activated and used.  The brain at this phase of development is like a sponge, soaking in all the information it can through it’s five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, and talking.

The Five Senses

The five senses are important as a baby, because it’s the only way a baby “connects” with her caregiver.  It’s the only way, and perhaps the most important way, the baby and young child begins to understand how adults “work.”  The cumulative lessons we teach our young are the behaviors she’ll take into adulthood.

It’s important, therefore, that we as adults understand and examine the ways in which our caregivers imparted their messages to us. Likewise, it’s important for parents to understand the emotional and cognitive development of their babies, so they are able to impart the information in ways the baby can understand.

Babies aren’t little adults.  Toddlers and young kids aren’t little adults.  They can’t be expected to act as adults act and make the decisions adults make.  Furthermore, what you spoon-feed this child on a consistent, daily basis, will set the stage for how this child behaves, as an adult.

Emotional Abandonment

We now know that physical abandonment can create some very difficult issues for the child, and hence the adult. We know that children don’t understand being “left”, as shown in Annie’s example. But these examples are rare.

An often overlooked issue is emotional abandonment.  Emotional abandonment is a child that has everything it needs physically, but it lacks the emotional connection needed to thrive.  It isn’t enough for a caregiver to provide food, shelter and water, although these are certainly very important for survival. And “survive” is exactly what will happen with his child. But is survival all we’re after? Is that enough?

To survive simply means…to breath.  You exist, but you don’t feel whole.

An adult that merely survives continually feels like there’s something missing.  Again and again clients go into therapy because “something is missing” or “something isn’t clicking.” Something doesn’t feel right in their lives, and they can’t pinpoint what it is. Often, it is that they are emotionally void.  I’m not saying that are without emotion!  I’m saying they don’t feel a connection to anyone, or to themselves, in a deeply emotional way.  And if they DO feel this deep emotion, or have in the past, it is short lived.  To sustain an emotional attachment to someone is almost impossible for some adults.

Emotional abandonment is an epidemic in this country right now. Emotional abandonment is a child who is receiving what it needs to receive physically (or not), but NOT receiving what it needs emotionally.  It is a child developing an insecure attachment.

An insecurely attached adult is someone who’s left lonely, sad, and with feelings of worthlessness. But how do we know we’re tending to our babies and children in ways that they feel emotionally attached – in ways they won’t feel abandoned?  The answers are easy, if you understand the basic structures of human development. Understanding how a baby views the world – how it speaks to the world, hears the world, sees the world – is the most important lesson any parent can learn.

Likewise, an adult who realizes they may not be securely attached, who feels sad, lonely, worthless, and as if there is a “hole in their heart”, needs to understand human development throughout the lifespan.  When there is a deficit from childhood, the gap needs to be filled.  The learning that took place so long ago, creating this emotional abandonment, needs to be recreated – relearned.  The good news is, what is learned, can be unlearned, and relearned again!  But the first step is to find out what was LEARNED.

Does EVERY issue that is brought to counseling mean there’s an insecure attachment?  No. Without a doubt, definitely not.  But, this is an issue seen again and again, so it is worthy of examining further.  Many times I dig into a client’s past, probing into their family of origin to find out how they learned to “do” relationships, and I find there is no insecure attachment issue.  In that case, we simply step into problem-solving and goal-setting to change the emotions and actions without going any further into their past lives as children.

The change process is the same whether there is an attachment issue or not, and we’ll get to those steps in more detail. But when there IS an attachment issue, it’s imperative that we look at that in more detail. Understanding about yourself – your own patterns of doing and feeling – are extremely important.

Your Mom is the BEST Mom, Hands Down

The concept is hard to understand and difficult to detect. And, nobody wants to talk bad about their Momma! So here’s a blanket statement about the Momma Trauma we MAY have experienced:

You had a good upbringing, and your Mom loved you. She did the best she could with all the tools she had. In fact, it is an INCREDIBLE job. And if you’re a parent yourself, you know the job of parenting is the hardest job on planet earth. Understanding your attachment style isn’t about doggin’ your Momma!  It’s about developing a better understanding of the way YOU learned relationships, based on how you were taught them.

You have a parent who is PHYSICALLY available, how do you know if they were emotionally available?  Well, you may just know.  Sometimes it’s easy to know when you weren’t raised with the best pick of the litter.  Sometimes, the handwriting is NOT on the wall.  And that’s where some investigative work is handy.

I’d like to give you some case samples to help this process make more sense, and to hopefully connect some dots in your own upbringing.

Case Sample 1:

Sarah and Tom came for marital therapy. Sarah decided she wanted out of the 10-year marriage because she had finally realized Tom was not going to connect with her in the way she needed. He was emotionally unavailable to her, despite her pleas for affection. The two did not have kids, and she figured it would be easy to slip away unnoticed so she could find someone who WOULD connect with her.

Upon further investigation, we realized Sarah had a cycle of being non-expressive. When she felt like she was asking Tom for what she wanted, she was simply sending him subtle clues, of which Tom wasn’t picking up on. And when he didn’t pick up on her clues, she shut down. After a few weeks of shutting down, she had enough, and blew up! Tom would be dumbfounded, wondering where this all came from, and Sarah would be angry that Tom was so clueless! They would muddle through, connect briefly. Within a week or so, things were back to “normal” and the cycle would begin again. Tom would reach out to Sarah in various ways, but Sarah didn’t respond the way Tom anticipated, so he quit trying. Sarah felt lonely and disconnected again, and shut down. Then, out of “no where” she blew up – again and again, the cycle continued!

Looking into Sarah’s family of origin, we learned how she was the “golden child”.  She was the middle of 5 kids, and her parents clearly had high expectations for her. Not so high that she couldn’t live up to what they wanted, though. She wanted to please her parents and was always striving to “do the right thing.”

Her older sister Mary was always in trouble. She didn’t follow the rules, she didn’t make good grades, and in fact, was even held back her 8th grade year. Sarah’s parents were very disappointed in Mary, and let her know it. Through their actions and their words, of which Sarah witnessed, Mary understood that the love she received from her parents was conditional – when Mary did as she was supposed to do, followed the rules, and made good grades, she was in her parent’s good graces. When she screwed up again, she got the silent treatment from Mom and looooong lecture sessions with Dad.

As Sarah watched this interaction with her older sister, it was clear what she needed to do to get love and affection from her parents: never screw up. And never screwing up meant keeping your chin high and keeping your problems to a minimum. Any hint of difficulty that was brought to her parents could be met with disapproval, and she wasn’t about to bring that on herself!  So, she kept quite, despite her struggles along the way, and need to have her parents support, and plugged along without much of a peep. No negativity!  It wasn’t allowed.

Fast forward 20 years to her marriage with Tom, and we can see Sarah very clearly acting out what she’d learned as a child:

• Positivity is rewarded with unconditional love
• Negativity, or “screwing up” is met with loss of love and affection, and disapproval
• Watching her older sister experience the pain of disapproval was hard to watch; she certainly didn’t want to bring that on herself, so she kept quite, not revealing her needs

Sarah’s inability to SAY what she needed, in no uncertain terms in her marriage to Tom, was only hurting the marriage. Through therapy, she learned to be more assertive and ask for what she needed WITHOUT the fear of being denied, abandoned, or rejected.  She changed her behaviors by understanding and apprecatiating her emotional life better. And when she understood her emotions, she learned how to be more in control of them by expressing her thoughts – by expressing what she needed in no uncertain terms.

Case 2:

Jenny was a vibrant 40-something who’d fell on hard times. She once had a business that was thriving in advertising, and her freelance business on the side was bringing in enough money to quit her full time job. After about five years though, she had a “break down” and woke up one day broke, dissatisfied with her life, and with no clients. She had to move home with her Mom because she lost her home to foreclosure. What’s more, she didn’t have the motivation to even go find another paying job. She started to drink heavily in the evenings and occasionally in the morning when she was alone.

Through investigation, we learned Jenny was an only child from a single-parent home. Dad was non-existent since the age of four. Grandparents were present, but only with occasional babysitting. Jenny and Mom were very close. Best friends, in fact! Jenny didn’t have a bad word to say about her Mom, except that now that she wasn’t working and living with her again after 20 years, Mom was disgruntled – always snapping, angry, and telling Jenny what she needed to do to get her life on track. And it was all good advice! Except, Jenny just wouldn’t make any movement toward finding a job and getting her life started again.

Growing up Mom owned her own business, just as Jenny did. Mom was a “self-made woman” and didn’t let Jenny wallow in self-pity. When she wasn’t doing well, she told her to pick herself up by her boot straps and stop complaining. Mom valued hard work, and she wasn’t much help when things weren’t money-driven. In fact, being successful meant making money. When you weren’t making money, you weren’t worth much. Your life was going nowhere. You were a nobody. Well, at least this is the message Jenny got….

And, now that Jenny is older and falling on hard times, she hadn’t yet learned the skill 0f true, internal happiness. Her happiness has always been externally driven, just as Mom had taught her it should be. When Jenny was producing, she was on top of the world. Jenny had never learned what it was like to struggle – she didn’t have to, because Mom was there to pick her up at every turn. She most definitely didn’t teach Jenny about problem-solving, and how to switch gears. And now, when Jenny found she COULDN’T pick herself up by her bootstraps, she didn’t really know what else to do. And on top of that, she felt worthless, as if her life didn’t mean anything. She didn’t have a purpose, and she obviously didn’t know how to be successful or happy.

Through therapy, Jenny realized that she had learned that internal needs didn’t matter. External successes, and particularly ones that made you money were what gave you worth. Except, in order for Jenny to move forward and be successful and happy at this new phase of her life, she had to rethink what happiness was. She needed to abandon her old teachings and develop new ideas – new beliefs.

TEA Begins

As you can see, change happens when we learn our early development patterns, understand that we learned to “do” life and relationships from our earliest attachment relationships, and that change would happen when we were able to allow ourselves a new way of thinking – when we allowed new belief structures to become the habits we wanted, instead of the habits and actions we didn’t want.

We’ve gone through the TEA process, as you’ll recall:

Your thoughts (beliefs, opinions, assumptions, perceptions and judgments) create your emotions, and your emotions create your actions. Thoughts can be subconscious or conscious – most of them are subconscious!  You don’t even know they exist.  Change happens when you know your subconscious thoughts.

Subconscious thoughts are learned habits. The way you learned to do relationships at a very young age is most likely the way you are DOING your relationships now!  Whether you’re securely attached or insecurely attached, you only know how to behave because you were taught to behave this way.

Examining early learning patterns of development with those important caregivers gives us a glimpse into WHY you feel and behave the way you do.  Now, to change how you feel and what you do, we simply have to change what we THINK.  We’ve come full circle now, back to my original post introducing the TEA!

In my next post, we’ll tie up the entire change process and identify specific steps that need to be taken to change. There is a formula for change – insert yourself in it, and you’ll feel different and behave differently. Easy as pie!

Missed some articles in the series?

• http://www.ichoosechange.com/how-people-change/ (Part 1)
• http://www.ichoosechange.com/how-people-change2/ (Part 2)

“Momma Trauma” – we’ve all got it!  At some level, we all face issues in our childhoods that could, in some ways, “mess us up.” Admittedly, not all of those acts are downright traumatic in the way that we think of trauma anyway. But they are barriers to growth or hiccups on the course, so to speak.

Trauma isn’t always physical, either. When we think of trauma, most of us think of something really profound – a car accident, a stroke, a bout with cancer, or child abuse.  And yes, these things are traumatic. But there are more subtle types of trauma, too.

The type of trauma that keeps someone stuck, stewing in their own dysfunctional juices, is also known as “insecure attachment.”

“Attachment” is a term coined by Psychologists in the early 1950s to 1960s to describe human relationships.  In other words, how a child or adult “manages” or navigates the world they live in – the relationships they are part of – is largely affected by their childhood attachment figures. These “attachment figures” are the people who a child is MOST attached to, or bonded to, early in life.

In fact, attachment starts at birth. Well, almost. At about 6 months of age, babies begin to feel as if their PRIMARY caregiver is their “secure base.”  This is the person they feel the most connected to, and who they feel most secure with.

It is a basic human need to have this “secure base.” To have someone we can always feel comfortable returning to.

In a previous post, I wrote on A, B, and C friends. The “secure base” person is most definitely an “A friend.”

A secure base is most likely your Mom and / or Dad as a child. And, as you grow older, the attachment is transferred, most likely, to a spouse.

However, a “secure base” doesn’t always end up being so secure!  This is a big problem, and usually a major source of counseling.

When changing, we all want to change what we feel and what we do that isn’t working for us. We may feel depressed, anxious, lonely, or guilty so we seek counsel for assistance to help us get over these feelings. Some of us may drink too much alcohol, sleep too much, hit our pets out of anger, or yell too much at our spouse. We may lose friends easily, and not be able to pinpoint why.

Emotions and actions are the main reasons the people attempt to change, because what they are feeling and doing is painful. And it’s creating a sad, lonely, dysfunctional life.

However, change at the level of emotions and actions only, not taking into account the thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, and perceptions of a person is truly doing a disservice to the client that sees a counselor.

“An unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

A truly examined life, one that is looked at with a fine tooth comb, is viewed through the eyes of those attachment figures that were part of life so early on. Why? Because it is these attachment figures that created this “secure base” – or not.

When a child enters into adulthood without the foundation of this secure base (otherwise known as a “secure attachment”) there are many, many problems that surface in their relationships. From marital relationships to friendships, sibling relationships and parent-child realtionships, we learn how to do relationships, because we were taught in childhood.

There are two types of attachment that we enter adulthood with. They are:

1.  Secure. This type of attachment is just as I talked about – where one feels they have a “secure base” of which they can always return. It’s easy to see this type of attachment in babies as they learn to become independent day after day after day.  Think about it… A baby comes out of the womb attached to mom, wanting to, literally, be back in her womb.  And why wouldn’t she?  It’s warm and cozy in there.  She doesn’t have to cry out when she’s hungry because she has a constant source of food, she doesn’t have to cry out to be held, and she doesn’t have to cry out to be changed.  All her needs are met in the comfort of her cozy home-womb.

At birth, she still wants mom’s warmth and touch. In fact, it’s essential to her life (remember Genie, who we talked about in our previous post? That is an example of a baby left alone, without her mother to attach to.).

But slowly, the baby begins to explore life away from Mom. Once she starts to crawl, anywhere between 6-9 months, she will begin to explore the world around her.  First she’ll go no further than a few inches from mom, then a foot, then two feet, and before you know it, she’s rounded a corner and is in another room!  But notice how baby quickly rounds back to make sure Mom is still there (if you haven’t already followed her, that is!).  Notice how baby never gets too far without crying out, babbling or looking over her shoulder to see if Mom is still there for her.  If she is, baby keeps on going.  She is now exploring the world away from her “secure base”. But it is essential that she have a KNOWING that her secure base exists.

A quick word here though about this secure base, and my reference to “Mom.”  Certainly, this secure base can be anyone.  Most of the time, the default person is Mom, because there is a time period of which the baby is with mom after birth and / or Mom is the primary caregiver.  However, Dads are stay-at-home caregivers much of the time these days!  Dads can most definitely be a secure base as well.

Just as Dad can also be a secure base, so can a nanny or a child-care worker.  It should come as no surprise that a baby becomes at least somewhat attached to the childcare provider or nanny, especially when Mom or Dad aren’t around to provide MOST of the hours of care throughout the day.  Most childcare facilities are wonderful, and are able to provide this great attachment that is essential to babies, but some of them, unfortunately, cannot.  With many babies to tend to, there are times that at baby’s needs are put on hold or not taken care of in a timely manner, and this is not ideal in the formative years.  The baby needs to know who their secure base is, and it will be the person that takes care of them the MOST hours of the day – physically, emotionally, socially, and intellectually.  If a child care worker is torn in  many directions with many other children, babies get left out (and with 60% of all babies in a childcare setting, this is definitely a discussion worth having, but for another time).

When I say “secure base” and I reference “Mom” as the secure base, I do that out of ease of writing.  However, there ARE other attachment figures that become the “secure base” for babies and children, and they are all equally wonderful in the development of a child!

2. Insecure. There are three types of insecure attachment, but what is most important to know here the issue of a baby or child being UNattached, or insecurely attached.

When an infant is not attached securely to his or her primary caregiver for some reason, this is called insecure attachment.  The effects of insecure attachment are far-reaching, and are the most known reason for individuals seeking counseling as adults in my opinion. If there isn’t an “attachment issue” brought to the therapy room, most likely it’s a life-coaching issue, which simply means, new goals need to be set, new prodding, new motivators set in place.  But this most definitely is not a therapeutic issue in the sense that some heavy-duty work needs to be done on this issue of attachment (read: loneliness, loss, abandonment, fear, depression, etc.).

I once had a co-worker who I’d visited just after having her baby.  I was young and without kids myself, so I didn’t quite understand the new mom sleeping in the middle of the day and looking completely frazzled (ha! completely laughable now, with one marriage and three kids later!). I had my degree in Human Development by this time, but I didn’t have the worldly experience I have now.  Still, the day I visited her, I felt uneasy…

Nevermind that the new mom was completely off her game as I knew her, but her baby was crying when I arrived and Mom wasn’t going to pick her up.  The new mom said, “I’m going to let her cry because I don’t want her to think she can manipulate me into picking her up all the time. She needs to learn to be independent.”

I didn’t say much at the time, in fact, I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t know quite how to process what I’d just heard.  AND, I didn’t have much, well, any experience with children to have a leg to stand on. But my heart hurt. What I heard is a baby in need and a Mom not going to her aide.  What I heard was a baby needing to be held and coddled, but being ignored.  This was hard to witness.

I don’t know the outcome of the child, to be honest with you.  I do know the development of a human being though, and I know that baby wanted to be picked up.  It’s ONLY means of communication with Mom was through crying.  I also know that when a baby is little, days old especially, it doesn’t understand or know “manipulation.”  Babies do not manipulate.  That’s an adult trait.  Babies aren’t meant to be independent. Adults are.

Consider the following story of Annie, a three-year-old young girl in England’s 1948, who was hospitalized for tuberculosis. In those days, parents weren’t allowed to stay in a hospital with their children, and even the smallest of surgeries today would be a very lengthy stay back then. Psychiatrist John Bowlby began to watch and learn from patients just like Annie, and this is what he observed (taken from Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy):

Annie was a raven-haired, green-eyed, three-year-old going ot a sanitarium for tuberculosis patients.  She had a persistent cough and other symptoms that concerned her parents and her doctors.

In those days, conventional wisdom said raising children consisted of keeping them fed, dry, warm and away from traffic. If you provided these fundamentals, kids would grow up just fine. Nowwhere was that attitude more on display than in Annie’s parents as they checked her into the sanitarium. The children’s ward was a long, narrow room filled with beds protruding from the walls on either side like teeth. Even though Annie would be in the sanitarium for an extended stay, her parents merely dropped her off with a nurse at the ward and left. Their three-year-old daughter wouldn’t see them again for about a week, and even then for just a short period.

Annie didn’t understand being left. The moment her mother turned to leave, Annie’s little face twisted, and she began to cry. Her little hands reached out, and she tried to run and grab her mother’s skirts. The nurse restrained her and carried her screaming to what would be her bed.

Annie had reacted just like the other children had done, and as the weeks and months progressed, he saw two more stages in Annie’s behavior that mirrored states he had seen in other children when separated from their mothers.

Stage One: Protest

Like Annie, the moment the children were dropped off in this sterile environment, they began to express real, distressful, even deperate anxiety, then anger at being left. For Annie, this meant tears and reaching out to others; it also meant throwing things and stomping around, even lying down and beating her fists and feet on the floor.  Toddler rage. And it was nearly universal. Almost every child behaved this way, regardless of the other children around or how the nurses who took care of them reacted. They wanted their mommies, and the nurses, and though they were well intentioned and took care of the children’s physical needs, were no substitutes.

Stage Two: Despair

Several days after her mother and father left, Annie slipped into what looked like a state of mourning and despair. Dr. Bowlby watched her huddle in bed. When other children tried to play with her, she looked at them with dull eyes then just shook her head listlessly. When her tray of food appeard for breakfast, and again for lunch and dinner, she paid little attention to it. At one point, she lifted her sppon as if it weighed a ton and let it slap on top of her milky cereal. Now and then, seemingly out of the blue, she would start to cry. Her puffy little lips would push into a painful frown, and her little eyes would squeeze out huge, wet tears.

As with the anger, this stage of Annie’s reaction to being left was like every other child’s. They all eventually lapsed into melancholy – their sense of abandonment and loss taking deep root. The nurses, having seen this a thousand times before, paid little attention to it. In fact, they welcomed it as it marked an end to the more florid emotional tantrums of the previous stage. They felt the children just needed to understand that things will not always go their way, and that they just needed to stiffen their upper lips.

Stage Three: Detachment

Over the next several months, Annie appeard to be snapping out of it. One day a little girl with a big, floppy  Raggedy Ann doll coaxed her from her bed, and they began to play. Although Annie wasn’t 100 percent right, she bagan to show signs of recovery. Soon she fit easily into life in the sanitarium’s children’s ward. Annie enjoyed coloring. Like any three-year-old, she rearely stayed in the lines, but she had an eye for colors, and each time she finished a masterpiece she’d show it around proudly. She found which kids liked her art as much as she did, and she limited her exhibitions to them only. All seemed well with the children again; their anger and dpression were gone. As “normalcy” eased through the ward, the doctors and nurses alike believed their method of dealing with children had been proven correct once more.

But then Annie’s mother showed up for a Sunday afternoon visit. You might think Annie would grab her favorite artwork and run happily oward her mother, merrily shrieking, “Mommy! Mommy! Look what I did!” You’d think she’d leap into her mother’s arms, and after her mother smothered her in kisses, they’d pore over her colorings excitedly. You’d think so. But you’d be wrong.

Not only didn’t Annie run to her mom she did just the opposite. She hardly looked up. And the picture she was coloring at the moment got turned over while others she’d done that day were pushed under her covers – hidden. When Mommy came to her bed and kissed her, Annie actually pulled away. Some might say she was just angry – and she was. But Dr. Bowlby saw more than that. He saw that Annie had detached from her mother. Of course, she still wanted her mother’s goodies – a toy and some of Mommy’s home-baked cookies. But she had walled herself off from her mother at an emotional level.

Annie was not unique. Many of the children in the hospital ward detached from their parents in some way. Some, like Annie, avoided their parents, detached emotionally, and were indifferent to their mothers’ presence. Other’s who were relative newcomers, became punishingly clingy, pleading to be held and taken home. But they learned they weren’t going home, at least not anytime soon. Each week they were left behind, feeling angry, overwhelmed, and helpless. At the end of each visit they were pried from their mother’s necks, then they watched powerlessly as their parents hastily scurried out of the hospital ward.

In response, Annie and many others like her developed a calloused self. Repeatedly wounded emotionally, they weren’t about to let thmselves be hurt again. Instead, they develpoed a system of replacing things for relationships. Annie realized that if she allowed herself to really want mom she would be profoundly hurt. So she switched her desire from Mom to things – toys, knickknacks, candy, coloring pencils. She buried the need she had felt for trust, intimacy, and closeness. Never again would she willingly reach out to anyone for emotional comfort. Instead, she relied only on herself and the material things she now loved.

Now only did Annie use the replacement defense, but she also learned how to “wall off” her emotions. She no longer expressed or acknowledged her feelings to anyone, including herself. This helped her not to feel so vulnerable and helpless. No longer did she feel compelled to cling to Mommy’s neck. No longer did she have to worry about whether Mommy was coming to visit. No longer did she have to get angry when Mommy left. She eradicated her need for Mommy, and consequently, she eliminated her negative feelings about being separeated from her.

What Dr. Bowlby saw in Annie, he saw thousands of times in other children in similar situations. “But,” you might say, “Annie was left in a hospital for days on end, and that doesn’t really happen these days. It’s not relevant.” Or is it?

Insecure attachment is often so subtle, the only result is the end-result – the result of behaviors not wanted or welcomed in your life, and an inability to figure out WHY you do the thing you don’t want to do, and WHY you feel the way you don’t want to feel.

Real change is about figuring out your thoughts.  More specifically, change is about figuring out your subconscious thoughts.  And even more specific than that, it’s about figuring out, if you can, the genesis of those subconscious thoughts.  

DNA combined with attachment figures during the formative years create the blueprint for all other relationships throughout life.  How you manage friendships, intimate relationships, work relationships, sibling relationships, parental relationships – all relationships! – are a direct result of what was encoded early on – what was taught.

In my next post, I’ll talk about some subtle ways thoughts become habits during our formative years as well as in our adult years. Then, we’ll  move into changing those neural pathways, er, those communication signals – the habits! – that have been so cleverly “stuck” in our brains.

Related articles

• How People Change: Tabula Rasa (Part (ichoosechange.com)

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

photo credit: tray

One of the first things I do when working with a client is ask them about their support group.  From friends, family, spouse, co-workers, church members, and others, I want to know who around this client knows what’s going on with them, and will support them no matter what.

Usually, I’m met with a “deer-in-headlights” look.

Rarely do clients want to take their “therapy issue” to their support system.  Spouses may know an angry side of the problem, but that’s not REALLY knowing.  But who helps us keep balanced?

By REALLY knowing someone, I’m talking about the core of that person, we experience a bond that is unlike any other bond – a trust.

So, this begs the question:  What kind of friends do you have? (And likewise, what kind of friend are YOU?)

In my view, there are three types of friends.  There are A friends, B friends, and C friends.  It’s important to know these types of friends because in tough times as well as happy times, your friendships are what matter MOST.  Let me explain…

“A” Friends - These are your compadres, your possee, and your absolute CLOSEST group of pals.  No, they aren’t just “pals.”  Your “A” friends are your “go to” people.  When times are at their lowest and you feel like you’re losing your mind, these are the people you can turn to.  From embarrassing times, sad times, angry times, stressed times and downright horrific times, these are the friends you turn to when you just need them to BE there. This friend is like family (in fact, could even BE a family member). You won’t have many of them, but this friend is a friend for life.  They are invaluable because they allow you the space to be who you are, craziness and all! (And, they aren’t afraid to “call you on your stuff.”)

“B” Friends - These are your “close” friends.  Yes, “A” friends are close, but they are more than close  They know the inner-workings of your world and what makes you tick.  Your “B” friends are there for you, bring you family dinners during hard times, lend you their ear, and pick you up when you’re down.  Your “B” friends are invaluable, and we need them en masse.  These are the people you grab coffee with when you’re feeling a bit low so they can tell you how great you are – they give us balance.  While they don’t know the “craziness” you can sometimes feel when you’re an emotional basket case, they do understand frustrations, anger, sadness and they care that you feel better.

“C” Friends - These are your acquaintances.  From social parties, sporting events, work functions and just “hanging out,” your “C” friends are the ones you can call on to enhance your social life on an occasional basis.  These are merely social friends.  They add value to your life because they keep you connected to the world, to like-minded people with the same interests as you, and with those with commonalities like motherhood and career woes.  However, your “C” friends aren’t privy to the inner workings of your world. You may flippantly talk about how “frustrated” you were during a situation or how “embarrassing” it was to _____, but they couldn’t know how much one of those situations was truly life changing.

Most people who lack a sufficient support system have plenty of “C” friends, and the occasional “B” friend.  But they don’t have nearly enough “A” friends, if any at all.  Your “A” friends are absolutely ESSENTIAL.

All friendships are essential.

We need friends and family in our life because they help us feel connected, loved, and appreciated. However, without a sufficient amount of each type of friend, especially “A” friends, life can feel incredibly lonely.  Even with many acquaintances around, it’s lonely when you feel like there’s no one to call on and talk to about your deepest worries, woes and life challenges.

You won’t have many “A” friends, by my calculation.  They are a rare breed.  To be an “A” friend is exhausting at times, and let it be known, you exhaust your “A” friends. But that comes with the territory of that type of friendship. Nevertheless, if you’re going through life without sufficient “A” friends, seek them out.

Your “C” and “B” friends can become your “A” friends. There are qualities you’ll want to look for when you’re looking to move your friends up in rank:

• You just have a “gut feeling” they are genuine, truthful, and honest, or you’ve experienced them as such
• You’ve experienced them helping someone else in crisis, and when they talk about that person, it’s never in a condescending way
• This person is full of values and morals that closely match yours
• The integrity of this person is unlike most people you come in contact with
• Somehow when you talk to this person, you feel at ease, “normal,” and like you can “be yourself” – in fact, this person helps you feel normal again!
• This person doesn’t “jump on the bandwagon” with you when you’re in crisis mode.  In other words, they are WITH you during your pain, but they don’t JOIN you in your pain.
• This person knows when to call “BS” and they aren’t afraid to confront you (lovingly) when you need it
• There is no gossiping, judging, or “caddiness” with this friend – only pure acceptance and love!

If you haven’t found your “A” friend, seek her out!  This person is crucial.  And, once you have your “A” friends in place, don’t forget to nurture your “B” friends, and hang out with your “C” friends – they love and need you to.  AND, you never know when one of those friends is looking for their next “A” friendship!

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Notice our little man has grown since my last post!  Last time I talked about actions that were either internal or external (acting out or acting in).  This time, I’ll be talking about feelings…nothing more than, feelings…

Ahem.

There really are only two types of emotions, and we can call them “good” and “bad.”  Clients only come to counseling because of their “bad” emotions (and bad behaviors).

The Good and The Bad

Within the “bad” emotions though, there are three categories.  Before I go into the three types, I’ll demonstrate “normal” emotions with a story.

A mother confided in me, asking how she should handle her angry daughter.  When asked her to elaborate, she relayed the story of how when her daughter became angry, she would run upstairs as fast as she could and slam her door without saying a word.

Mom would run up to the daughter’s bedroom, swing open the door and demand that she talk out her problems.  She said running away was no way to handle how she felt, and that it was very disrespectful to slam the door in her mother’s face.  This was no way to act!

I probed mom more…

I asked, “Where were you when she slammed the door in your face?”  Mom said, “I was downstairs.”  So I asked, “Then, it wasn’t really in your face, right?  It was on a totally different level of the home.”  Of course, mom agreed.

Then I asked, “What was your daughter doing in her bedroom while in there by herself?”  Mom told me her daughter had her head buried in, and sometimes even hitting, her pillow.  Mom was very uncomfortable with this behavior!  When I asked her why, she said, “Because she needs to talk about why she’s upset without getting so angry!”

I dug further, asking how she expressed anger when she was a child and how her mother expressed anger.  She said she wasn’t allowed to be angry when she grew up, but that as a child and even now as an adult, she had her own dealings with anger.  She had a bit of a temper, admittedly.  She would slam a door here and there, and she definitely yelled.  In fact, she’d even raised a hand to her daughter and slapped her on at least one occasion.

We’ll talk more about family dynamics and how they play into Moms behavior later, but for now, this is what’s important…

I asked Mom, very honestly, “How do you want your daughter to express her anger, if not the way she did?”  The truth is, the daughter DIDN’T slam the door in her FACE.  She slammed the door, but…is that really a horrible thing?

The daughter was expressing her anger by hitting and crying into her pillow.  Who was this hurting?  Why was it inappropriate?

I pointed out to Mom that these behaviors SEEMED like normal behaviors.  And so I begged the question, and will ask you, the reader, “What is the best way to deal with anger?”

In fact, what is the best way to deal with ALL emotion?  Where is the rule book on appropriateness?  How does one act out sadness?  How does one act out happy?  Guilt?  Anxious?

So much of the time, we aren’t taught what “normal” emotion is.  As parents, we teach our kids not to feel what they need to feel:  don’t yell (it’s disrespectful), don’t cry (or I’ll give you something to cry about), don’t stomp off (it’s disrespectful), don’t, don’t, don’t… you get the idea.

That brings me to the first category of emotion, which is “normal.”

It’s important to understand what is within the normal range of emotion.  Some examples of normal emotions are sad, angry, anxious, happy, and afraid, to name a few.  And as we now know, with normal emotions come normal behaviors.

How does one act when they are angry?  Sad? Anxious? Happy? Afraid?

Naturally, if we “kick up” our actions, it’s because we have “kicked up” emotions.  It makes sense, doesn’t it?

If you’re angry, you stomp, yell, slam a door (all normal, by the way!).  When enraged, you hit someone, yell obseneties, and actually slam a door IN someone’s face (as opposed to 50 feet away from someone).

Someone who is acting out “sad” might cry, yell, hit a pillow, or isolate themselves (external actions).  They might even have a stomach ache or a headache (internal actions).

Anxiety might bring stomach pains, diarrhea, and ruminating thoughts. Breaking  a sweat and feeling queazy is also a common form of “acting out” or “acting in” the feeling of anxiety.

Those actions don’t always FEEL good, but it doesn’t mean they’re bad.

Going To Extremes

Just as we have extreme external and internal actions as we discussed in my last post, we also have extreme emotions.

So, what does “kicked up” anger look like?  Rage.

What does “kicked up” sadness look like?  Depression.

What does “kicked up” happiness look like?  Mania.

To feel anxiety to the extreme – panic.

To feel guilt to the extreme – shame.

You get the idea.

The “normal” range of emotions are just that – normal.  But the “kicked up” or “extreme” emotions don’t always feel as normal.  Just as we have internal actions, we also have emotions that are expressed internally, so rather than having rage, we feel numb.  Rather than feeling depressed, we feel numb.  Rather than feel shame, we feel numb.  And so it it goes…

Numb <— Sad —> Depressed

Numb <— Angry —> Enraged

Numb <— Anxious —> Panic

Numb <— Fear —> Phobic

You get the idea.

On one side of the spectrum we feel numb.  On the other side of the spectrum, we feel extreme emotion.  I would say that “numb” is extreme as well, it’s just emotion that occurs internally.  You can’t “see” numb when it’s acted out.  This person would have “internal” or “acting in” behaviors most of the time.  When you look at this person, they appear just fine and dandy on the outside, but on the inside, they are a wreck (consequently, this is the type of client I see most of the time!).

Many people don’t know how to feel a normal range of emotion (i.e. sad, angry, anxious, fearful, etc.), and so they either “numb out” or they “kick it up a notch” into the extreme emotions.  When someone kicks up their emotions to the extreme, they then have an excuse to get on medication or self-medicate.  Likewise, a person who is “numbing out” may be self-medicating.

Either way, what’s important here is understanding what is normal about emotion, and hence about the behaviors we use to act out those emotions.

Next time, I get into what’s so juicy and fun about change – the mind!  Not that actions and emotions aren’t juicy and fun – they are!  It’s just that, they’re so – there.  You can see actions and everyone has emotions (whether they know how to express them or not).  Many times, we think this is all there is to us – just feelings and behaviors.  But OH… the fun of the brain!

Until next time…

Related articles

• How People Change (Part 1) (ichoosechange.com)
• Anger: A normal emotion for Alzheimer’s caregivers (mayoclinic.com)
• Learning to Channel Anger: Help Your Child Cope (brighthub.com)

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Yesterday I posted the super-simple initial process of change.  On paper, it seems very easy – and it is!

Thoughts create emotions.  Emotions create actions.

It stands to reason that if you change what you’re thinking, you’ll change what you’re feeling, right?  In theory, that is absolutely correct!

So, process done.

Well, not so fast…

There’s more to change than just reading a simple little diagram and snapping your fingers.

This is a great beginning though, and one I call the “TEA process.”  It’s obvious why:

T = Thoughts

E = Emotions

A = Actions

I love this acronym for other reasons, besides it simply being the initials of thoughts, emotions and actions.  The acronym is meant to be a reminder to slow down and, well, think.  Think about what you’re thinking.

I envision having a cup of tea on a nice patio, and pondering… life.  Pondering what’s going on in my mind, in my world, with my friends, in their worlds, and with my emotions.  While, having a cup of ice cold tea or warm tea. It’s a reminder to sip something, and ponder.   Hopefully that acronym will help give you a reminder to slow down as well.

You’ll notice in today’s diagram, I’ve placed the thoughts, emotions and actions into the figure of a person.  I want these words to come alive for you.  This is another reminder.

So here’s the thing…

Thoughts occur in your mind, obviously.  Emotions are in your mind, too, as with everything, but you feel them in your heart, which is where you see them on my “person” diagram.  And actions happen within your body.

I told you yesterday I’d talk about the two types of actions.  By the way, I’ll be starting with the lower part of the body (diagram), “actions,” and working my way up to the mind.  Then, I’ll spend a majority of my time in the mind, talking about how the mind and brain (not the same thing, and we’ll get to that!) work to create your emotions and actions.

Two Types of Actions:

1.  External.  This is what I like to call “acting out” – a term we’ve all heard.  When someone “acts out” they are showing us how they feel.  It doesn’t matter how old you are, your actions say something about you without you being verbal at all.

Your body can perform an action, and if I’m tuned in, I can know how you feel without you having to say how you feel.  This is one skill of a great therapist.  (And frankly, we’re all great therapists if we allow ourselves to be “in tune” as I just said – more on that later).

2.  Internal.  This is what I like to call “acting in.”  This is, of course, the opposite of acting out.  These actions aren’t always as easy as “tuning in” because they happen almost without anyone noticing.  The person who comes to my office who is “acting in,” is concealing how they feel.  Their bodies ARE performing an action, but it can’t easily be seen.

Here are some examples:

(Notice how our man has now grown legs!)

External / Acting Out:  These actions are easy, peasy to spot.  Remember the examples from yesterday of the crazy driver giving the finger, the husband snapping as his wife, and the husband hanging up on his wife?  Those are actions that are external.

Have you ever known someone who has an alcohol problem, an eating disorder, or a gambling problem?  Those are external actions as well.  I could make a very looong list of actions that are external and show emotions in outside of the body.  You can, too!  Here are a few that come to mind:

• overeating (binging / purging / not eating)
• over drinking
• extra-marital affairing (I know that’s not a word)
• sleeping too much
• sleeping too little
• erratic shopping
• gambling
• excessive irritiability
• raging
• gossiping
• eye-rolling

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Image via Wikipedia

Over the next several weeks, I’m going to have a new feature on the I Choose Change blog.  I’m going to outline, just as I do in most all of my sessions, the process of change.

(You might also be wondering why I included a picture of 7-Eleven on this post.  You’re about to see…)

In almost all of my sessions, I take clients through, what I believe, to be the change process.  As you’ll see on our website, and on my biography page, I use a combination of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and Attachment Theory.

I start in different spots for different clients.  For some clients, I only touch on the CBT part of the process.  And for others, I only touch on the Attachment Theory part of the process.  Yet for others, I will give bits and pieces of some of the entire process, and for a remaining few, we barely touch on this stuff at all.

It all depends on the person in the room, what their issue is, how much work they’ve already done before they came to my office, and more importantly, how much insight they have.

Some people lack awareness and insight into the inner-workings of their own bodies and minds.  For them, they will have a hard time digesting parts of this process.  And, for that I say, at this point in their life, it’s not important to know they kit-and kaboodle.  I just start right where they’re at, feeling them out to know how much they can handle, and go from there.

For everyone, no matter who they (you!) are, we all fit in this process.  There are kinks in the process along the way, and that’s where I come in as a therapist:  To help work out the kinks in the process!

Indulge me.  For several years I’ve wanted to write up this little booklet (in reality, I don’t know how many pages this explanation will really be) about the change process, but I find myself always in a rut.  Stuck, and not able to write as clearly as I talk in my therapy sessions.  In fact, there are times I end my day, reflect on sessions I’ve had, and can’t for the life of me know what the heck I’ve said in there, and where in my being it came from.  The best way to describe the process I go through as a therapist is that I’m in the zone.  

If you’ve worked out with intensity, you know what the zone is.  You know that it’s sort of a meditative process where you literally “zone out” and work through some subconscious inner-workings of your mind.  Or something like that…

My therapy process is much the same way.  Hence, when I’m not in “the zone” (which is to say, not in a therapy session), I have a hard time putting the words of this process down in stone.

Nevertheless, it’s something I really WANT to do, and have wanted to do for quite sometime, so I am going to take the leap and try to get myself into the zone of change.  Specifically, I want to tell you how people change.

If you’re a reader of this blog, I welcome your questions.  They will actually help me.

The writing process, I think, will be a little like this:  I’m going to take each step of the process, little by little, each day, for at least 30 days.  Some days I’ll write more than other days.  Some concepts are more involved than others.

Overall, I won’t be writing about each step in an incredible amount of detail.  Some steps will require more detail, but I’ll give just enough to get the point across.  Why?  Because this process really is so, so easy, and I want it to read that way.  Giving more in-depth reviews of each concept will be mundane and boring, and I’d prefer save it for another discussion.

So here goes…

Assuming I am going through the entire process with all my clients, I start with a very, very simple diagram on my whiteboard, and I explain the very basics of the CBT process, which is this:

This diagram represents YOU.  This diagram represents ME.  This diagram represents your spouse, your child, your mom, your dad, the 7-eleven clerk and the person driving the car who gave you the finger this morning.  This diagram is every single person in the world who has the ability to process information in their brain on some coherent, functioning level.  And it’s simple:

Thoughts create emotions.  And emotions create actions.  (Some of you may be saying, “Duh!”  It’s simple, I know.  But hang with me… there’s more juicy stuff, I promise.)

In every single transaction throughout our day, this is the process we go through.

We have a thought in an instant that will create an emotion.  The emotion (feeling) is then acted upon.

Sometimes we don’t know we have a thought, but in fact, we have them all day, everyday.  In fact, it’s estimated that we have about 60,000 thoughts everyday.  If you’re an anxious person, you probably have more thoughts.  If you’re a depressed person, you probably have less thoughts.

An anxious person, by nature, has ruminating thoughts.  Their head spins with thoughts around and around and around, in an effort to predict the future.  (Predicting the future means you have to analyze things to DEATH.  You think of a scenario from this angle, from that angle, and from the other angle.  You try to predict every little part of what could possibly happen – in the future!  Thoughts are rampant with an anxious person!)

A depressed person, by nature, has slowed thoughts.  Their thoughts are hard to process and work through, like molasses.  They can be forgetful, get sidetracked, and slowed down in their cognitions.

Our job as humans in the change process is the slow down this process enough to think about what we’re thinking about, and on some level, think about what OTHERS may be thinking about.  It’s only in being able to know what we’re thinking that we’re able to change what we’re feeling.  And it’s only by knowing what we’re thinking and feeling that we can change our actions.

Thoughts are both conscious and subconscious.  I’ll get into that more a little bit later, but for now, what is important to know is this:

Thoughts create emotions.  Emotions create actions.  

Here are some examples:

• When you snapped at your kids because they wouldn’t eat their dinner, this was an action, obviously.  But it was fueled by an emotion.  What emotion?  Anger?  Frustration?  Annoyance?  Or something bigger?  And, what were the thoughts that preceeded that feeling?  Who caused that action in you?  (Trick question, watch out!)
• When the driver tailgated you then gave you the finger when he passed you a few minutes later, that was an action.  Several actions, actually!  And it was fueled by emotion.  What emotion could this person have had?  Rage?  Irritation?  Overwhelm?  What emotion did YOU have?  We don’t know about the driver, but we can assume many different emotions.  Regardless, his emotion was triggered by a thought, or MANY thoughts even.
• Your wife called and said she would be late coming home from work, but you’ve already made dinner.  You snap at her.   She yells back.  You hang up on her, then you both give each other the silent treatment the rest of the night  Many actions!

All of the actions, no matter how many within a single transaction, are brought on by feelings.  Our job is to know what feelings are at play so we can change the actions.  And, we also want to know what thoughts are at play – this is MOST important!

In the above example, wife is perhaps overwhelmed with work, frustrated that she can’t be home with the family, or even guilty because she feels inadequate (another feeling) as a mom and wife.  You feel angry because she didn’t call sooner, sad because you miss her, overwhelmed because you’ve been home with the kids all day, and perhaps, hungry.  All emotions!  And all of those emotions triggered an argument and the silent treatment.

What’s important to know for now is that this process happens all day, everyday, several thousand times.  It happens to you, it happens to me, it happens to the 7-Eleven clerk, and it happens to your therapist.  No one (who is of sound mind and body, and for the purpose of my writing, I’ll assume from here on out that I’m talking about people who ARE of sound mind and body, okay?) is exempt from this process of thoughts creating emotions and emotions creating actions.

Next time, I’ll talk about the two different types of actions.  Then, I’ll talk about the two different types of emotions, and finally, I’ll discuss the many ways thoughts are manifested plus the two types of memory that are connected to thoughts.

Until then, pay attention to your own thoughts throughout the day.  You have close to 60,000 of them, so there’s a lot!  Ever wonder why you don’t even KNOW what thoughts you’re having in a day, even though there’s so many of them?  We’ll talk about that, too…

Until next time,

Jennifer

Related articles

• Stop Self-Criticism With Compassionate Self-Awareness (psychologytoday.com)
• Leading Change: How Great Leaders Deal with Criticism (leadershipwatch-aadboot.com)
• My Therapy Homework for Processing Emotions (faithallen.wordpress.com)
• Our Emotional Subconscious (flowpsychology.com)

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

Even as a therapist, I’m baffled at times at how therapy actually works.  I have to remind myself that it does, or I’d have the worst job on the planet.  Everyone has their theory of change.  As therapists we have our “go-to” tools – techniques we pull out on a moment’s notice with clients.

But I admit, I too have to remind myself often how change works, the idea of CHANGE really isn’t so baffling.

A few years ago, I read a great book called “Change or Die” in which the author concluded that although we have the capacity to change, we rarely ever do.

In a recent article over at the popular KevinMd.com, he says, “We really don’t even have a precise definition of what “psychotherapy” is…” and then concluded by saying psychotherapy is ultimately bringing about awareness of unwanted actions, feelings and emotions so the client will change through that awareness.

Many clients will say in my office that they are afraid they aren’t changing, or that they see only subtle changes, and they wonder why it’s so HARD.

Baby steps will get you there, but people don’t want baby steps when they’re changing.  They want leaps.  I’ve witnessed both.

So, how do people change?

I’ve got my own perspective, and if you keep up with this blog, you no doubt know some of my own thoughts on the matter.

I think Kevin his partially right.  Therapy is about becoming aware of your own thoughts, feelings and emotions so change can take place.  But awareness simply isn’t enough.

What happens is a counseling room is almost unspeakable.  If the therapist is good at what he does, there’s a connection that’s made that can’t be explained easily through words.  It’s a connection that provides unconditional support, guidance, attention to detail, and what Dan Siegal calls a “tuning in.”  I contend that if you miss the “tuning in” part, you not only miss key elements and opportunities as a therapist, but… frankly, you’re a bad therapist.

That’s a bold statement to make.  But I stand by it.

Tuning-in happens between a caregiver and child.  Parents tune-in to their babies non-verbal language, are more keenly aware of their needs, understand cries no one else understands, mimic their body language as a language all it’s own (as if to say, “I get you”), and their tone of voice is gentle and sweet.  They’re speaking their baby’s language.

The therapist-patient relationship is largely the same.

Even more than just a “bond”, there is neuroscience that backs up the incredible importance to this “tuning-in” process.  Studies show how the brain responds, develops and grows during this process of tuning-in throughout the lifespan, not just in childhood.

Therefore, what I know about psychotherapy is this:  It’s not the mystery we think it is.  It’s not JUST an awareness of what we don’t like that creates change (afterall, aren’t most of us aware that we don’t like over-eating, or that we don’t like feeling depressed, or that we don’t like arguing with our spouse?).

What creates change is being aware PLUS having a therapist (or someone else) help create this “tuning-in” that we wouldn’t otherwise have.  Someone to be tuned-in creates change. (Whether the client allows this process to fully occur or not is a whole other post, however!)

Change isn’t easy, by any stretch.  And psychotherapy isn’t the mystery we thought it was – great news!

The next time you having a feeling or action to change, decide who you’ll use as your “tuning-in” person:  therapist, spouse, good friend, life coach.  Any will do!  But, what I know is, change doesn’t REALLY happen without that very subtle, yet very powerful process.

What do you think?  How does change take place, and what is your experience with having someone “tuned-in” to your change needs?

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.

One of my favorite websites is one called Zero to Three. It’s a website dedicated purely to the research and development of children from conception through the age of three years.

My first inclination that I wanted to be in the helping profession was in Middle School. I grew up in a small town in West Texas that had basically only two groups of people: popular and not popular.   I suppose a third group would be those teetering between those two – some days your “in” and some days you’re very “out”. I was that person. I teetered.

The problem with teetering though, is that all people want to belong somewhere. It’s human nature to want to be part of a group. To have comradere.  To have people looking out for you and being your support system. Growing up, I’m not sure I felt like I had that. I lived in an “unsure” world.

My middle school experience I had was inherited from my early childhood development. How I learned to trust, be independent, and take up for myself against bullies was part of my foundational learned style. Couple that learned development with my personality trait of being very emotional and it led to some ill-equipped coping skills at a young age.

Understanding what is developmentally appropriate at any age is essential to parenting.  In later years, it’s essential to change.

We all want to know why we do some of the crazy stuff we do.  And, in order to know, we must look back in time at those early years.  Robert Karen wrote a great book on the topic of relationships.  He says, and others said before him, that early relationships shape our capacity to love.

Let’s think about this… ALL early relationships shape how we enter into any relationship – friendship, spousal, work – in the future.  That’s huge!

We’re born with a temperament style (cranky, happy-go-lucky, easy).  Environment acts on that temperament, adding to what we’re born with and creating layers upon layers of learned behavior.

It’s important that early caregivers understand their baby and child’s temperament because this dramatically affects parenting style.  We’ve all heard parents who say, “I parenting my children exactly the same, so I don’t know why Jason ended up so different and in trouble all the time!”  Well, that’s why.  Jason isn’t like Jill.  They must be parented differently.

As we move through life and have difficulties in certain areas, we have to take a look back in time and ask ourselves where we got stuck.  What did we learn about ourselves and the world around us, even if by accident?

A good friend tells the story set on a hot summer day in South Texas, a small house with had no air conditioning (think 110 degrees!).  She recalls lying her her head in her mother’s lap, resting there a minute and feeling so warm, snug, and secure.  But within a few seconds her mother said, “You’re making me hot!” and made her move.

As an adult, we can understand this scenario, right?  Extremely hot, child in lap, mom MERELY saying she’s hot.  But as a child, what she took away from this transaction was, “I don’t want to be close to you!”  One small translation, with no follow-up from Mom (this is key), and a message looms 20 years later:  ”You’re a burden.”

This may all sound simplistic on the surface, sure.  But digging deeper helps us realize WHY we inherit our learned messages.  And when we understand those, we can begin to unravel and relearn.

What is your first childhood memory?  What experiences do you feel shaped you most?  Do those core messages haunt you?  Let’s talk about it in the “comment” section below…

Downloadable resources: a href=”http://www.ichoosechange.com/resources/”>Click here.