In my most recent article, I wrote about the “Acceptance Paradox” providing the sample case of Jon and Kate from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. (I won’t be upset if you clicked away.) I feel the need to drive home this concept a bit more, and I think you’ll find value, too so stick with me!
This topic was first introducted to me in David Burn’s book “Feeling Good Together.” Although called by a different name, the concept is the same: Instead of putting up a defense against your own or other’s criticisms and complaints of you, you find some truth in the statements and accept them.
Common tools used to combat negative emotions such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety assume the preceding negative thoughts are illogical so you should talk back to them. (For example: ”No, I’m not worthless. I am successful, happy, and my life is just as it should be.) This is a “talk to the hand” technique making it acceptable to refute all bad thoughts and criticisms of others. It’s a self-protection technique – a defense to your psyche and some could say, even denial. And, I would add, in some cases, needed.
Acceptance Paradox is about taking responsibility. It is about asking these questions and making these assertions:
- “Is there some truth in the criticism?
- “What can I learn from it?”
- “Can I accept the fact that my performance was not up to par?”
- “I have many deficiencies. I am a human being and I am quite flawed.”
“Ten Days to Self-Esteem” uses this technique beautifully. At the root of all anxieties, depression, fear, anger and guilt lies some degree of a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Using the Accpetance Paradox, in my view, is a powerful step in self-acceptance and crucial to personal developement and growth.
Within your own relationships – friendships, marriage, business, and otherwise – how can this technique help you grow? How can you become a better friend, spouse, and employee by accepting the truth of your behaviors? And, doesn’t it feel powerful to take a step back, and examine yourself in a full length mirror? What you know about yourself consciously, you can change – that is power.
In the case of Kate (from my previous article), it is painful to hear her say “I don’t know” when asked the question of what she could have changed in her marriage. But it’s a lesson we can all learn.
“I don’t know” is a cop-out. It is a barrier between reality and the unknown. If the assumption is “yes, I do know, let me figure it out…” then take a step back, examine, and identify reality. And if you don’t like reality, change it. This is the Acceptance Paradox.
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photo credit: victoriapeckham
I have a confession to make. But before I reveal my secret in full, which will surely prompt you to click away from this article altogether, I’ll give a snippet of my revelation meant only as a way to entice you to keep reading (I admit).
Reality TV (stay with me) is a psychotherapists DREAM. Riveted by the personalities that are thrown together for the sake of a good storyline, I turn into “analyze” mode instantaneously. Think “evangelical mom meets pagan dad” in Wife Swap. Or, “bachelor seeks wife in 8 weeks by eliminating 25 bachelorettes one by one” in The Bachelor.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know why these are such popular shows: the conflicts and confrontations alone have people clamoring to see what’s going to happen next! I engage in my own eye-rolling, heavy sighs, and advice throwing, wishing they could hear me through the television screen!
Yes, I love reality television. But my big confession has me a bit embarrassed and ashamed. Among my new reality show listing is “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” DON’T CLICK AWAY!
At first I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with this show. Having twins of my own, the thought of giving birth to six more sent me into almost hysterics. (If you don’t know the premise of the show, here’s a quick synopsis: Jon and Kate have twins. Five years later, they have sextuplets (that’s the “8” part). A camera now lives with the couple and their house full of kids, filming their every move.)
Their life in and of itself is of no interest to me. As I said, I do good to keep my own home in line: “Terry & Jen Plus 2.” We have enough drama of our own.
But the reason I tuned in recently is because of the announcement that this two parents are getting divorced. (I know, sick.) There were rumors of affairs, and of the parents abandoning their kids to run off for full weeks with their lovers – all the great aspects of a reality show I DREAM of analyzing till my own head is shrinking.
What I quickly came to understand about this couple is something many people no doubt see who aren’t even therapists: These two can’t see the forest for the trees! But even sadder – this is a common state seen on a weekly basis in my private consultation office.
There are moments when I have an individual or a couple in front of me, and I have to stop myself from blurting out, “DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT YOU SAID?” And, as some of my clients could attest, I HAVE said it, in fact! I’ve even gone as far as videotaping my couples, sending them home with the assignment to examine their own behaviors and words in conversation.
It Takes Two
Being the follower I am now (in the midst of adversity, sadness and chaos, I admit), I immediately clicked over to Kate’s interview on the “Today” show as Meredith interviewed her. If I’d had the producer’s number handy, I would have dialed straight away BEGGING to have just 3 hours alone with these two. The conversation went something like this:
Meredith (News Anchor): “Being that marriage and divorce is a two way street, what role do you think you played, if any?”
Kate: “Nobody’s perfect. Obviously it takes two, but I don’t know. What would I change? I don’t know to be honest.”
(It doesn’t SEEM like you think it’s obvious, Kate.)
This is the problem, friends. And it’s not just a problem with Jon and Kate, but goodness sake I do wish they could figure it out so millions could all learn from it!
Yes, I know what you could be saying: Sometimes it just CAN’T be worked out. TRUE! I will agree with that. But an epidemic among deteriorating couples is the failure to realize that problems, no matter how big or small, are the cause of BOTH people in a relationship. Two people have to change in this marriage.
Marital therapy is about working on yourself individually so that you can join your spouse as a whole, healthy person. With even one person in the relationship unable to take a look at herself in a full-length mirror to examine their own faults, puts the marriage at risk for difficulty, if not divorce.
Nevermind my sickening obsession with reality TV and what draws me to it (that’s for another post). The point is here is this: Any conflict in ANY relationship – spouse, partner, friend, boss, children – has two parties to blame. Being able to take personal responsibility for your part is incredibly important.
Acceptance Paradox
There’s an idea called “Acceptance Paradox” which says essentially, instead of defending yourself against someone you feel has wronged you, accept the truth in the criticism, admit your wrongs, and accept them.
It’s in our nature to want to defend ourselves when we are told we are to “blame” in a situation. But there is no blame here – only personal responsibility. Personal responsibility means simply, accepting the “grain of truth” in the criticism and in the failings of the relationship.
For Jon and Kate Gosselin of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” personal responsibility would mean accepting the truth of what caused the breakup of the union. It means coming to terms with the fact that there are things each of them could have done to change the course of this relationship. Had this happened early on (and maybe even now?) perhaps they wouldn’t be splitting up.
Unfortunately, Jon and Kate are examples to many of us, and their kids will be examples of what it’s like to come from a broken home. Through their weekly shows, there no doubt were signs of failure. Was Kate listening when Jon told him how he felt and what he needed? Did Jon accept his own responsibility when Kate complained to Jon? Clearly, neither of them did this (not enough to save the marriage).
Our job throughout our own lives is to take responsibility for our own failings in our relationships. It’s then and only then that we become healthy, happy individuals, capable of having a healthy, happy relationships, including marriage.
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It’s a sad, though common, state of affairs. I see it in my office, hear about it from my friends, and struggle with it myself. In fact, it seems to be an epidemic among women, especially those with children.
I’m not talking about weight issues, marital strife, or financial concerns, although all of those are fair game. No, what Im talking about is even more important than all those issues because without this, none of the others will “work out.” I’m talking about none other than balance.
Women today wear about a billion different hats: mother, wife, daughter, friend, professional, church volunteer, playdate organizer, etc. So it’s no surprise that the role most often neglected is that of self.
When Do I Get Taken Care Of?
And really, this is no surprise. Think about it. When you neglect doing something for someone else such as attending your daughter’s softball game, making dinner for your family, or sending a birthday card to your sister, someone’s going to be a little put out. On the other hand, if you sacrifice taking care of yourself no one’s going to be upset. In other words, putting everyone’s needs above your own sometimes seems like the only negotiable option.
Unfortunately, it’s not quite as negotiable as you may think.
You may not feel the short-term effects of choosing other things and people over yourself day in and day out. You may even promise yourself that someday you’ll get around to paying attention to yourself and will make up for lost opportunities and time. Unfortunately, what you don’t realize is that each time you “bail out” on yourself someone does feel put out and left out: your True Self.
Deep inside something feels incredibly “right” when you nurture and care for your True Self’s needs and wants. You feel cared for, loved, and watched over, as if you were your own ideal mother. And just like a plant that is tended to, you grow, thrive, and are healthy. And of course the opposite is just as true: neglect leads to feelings of resentment, disdain, and unhealthy habits.
A friend of mine told me a story that illustrated this point quite well. She told me that she was on her way home from her yearly gynecologist visit when she realized that she was singing in the car, enjoying the weather, and feeling like a million bucks. She felt a huge sense of contentment because she did something for herself! Keep in mind that she was coming home from a doctor’s appointment — not some swanky spa day! A gynecologist appointment nonetheless!
There is no step-by-step program that leads to achieving this balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. Instead you just have to carve out personal time day in and day out. You can’t assume that someday it will become easier or that you’ll make up for the neglect at some point in the future. No, you just have to do it everyday without guilt, without feeling as if you are cheating others out of something. And even if you do have a little guilt, do it anyway.
For me, today is a perfect example. I worked on this article right after a hair appointment where I not only got a new look but was also able to read an entire issue of People Magazine! I easily could have filled that hour and a half time slot with clients, which would have meant more money; with kid-time, which would have meant excitement for my daughters; or cleaning time, which would have meant a shinny kitchen sink and super clean floors. All of those things are valuable but I had to remind myself that none are as valuable as taking care of myself.
We women can’t sustain a busy life when we neglect the machine that handles all the business.
Making yourself a priority is like spending quality time with a child; that time and energy creates a strong relationship that can handle rough patches. Without that time, rough patches become huge holes in the road of life.
To answer the question, “When do I get taken care of?” the answer is simple: When do you want to get taken care of? If not now, when?
So, no matter how you create time to take care of yourself, do it. And if you can’t create time, just take it! You may even have to do what a good friend does does. She literally writes “spontaneous time” in a 3-hour block on her calendar, and that appointment, just like yours, is 100% non-negotiable.
For Discussion:
- Do you find it hard to give back to yourself, so you feel balance?
- What are ways you regularly “fill your cup”?
- Does taking care of yourself make you feel guilty?
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I love taking vacations (don’t we all?). Unfortunately, like most people, I am only able to get away about once a year. After my recent trip to Mexico, I decided that taking vacations are NOT optional!
This was a much needed trip—we have both been worn out from everything life has thrown our way: work stress, family stress, and general social stress. And, to top if off, we are two people who are not always the most pleasant to be around when we haven’t fed our own “down time” needs!
Vacation Equals Mental Health
Most of us weather through life with many of the same everyday, mundane stressors. Whether you choose to vacation with the entire family, or with just your significant other, this is why I think we should all be on a mission to make vacation MANDATORY: >> More..
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photo credit:SuperFantastic
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in August 2008.
It’s a sad, though common, state of affairs. I see it in my office, hear about it from my friends, and struggle with it myself. In fact, it seems to be an epidemic among women, especially those with children.
I’m not talking about weight issues, marital strife, or financial concerns, although all of those are fair game. No, what Im talking about is even more important than all those issues because without this, none of the others will “work out.” I’m talking about none other than balance.
Women today wear about a billion different hats: mother, wife, daughter, friend, professional, church volunteer, playdate organizer, etc. So it’s no surprise that the role most often neglected is that of self.
And really, this is no surprise. Think about it… >> More..
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