Oh, the times I’ve uttered those words… At the end of a long day (or even at the beginning and middle of the day!), I’ve wanted to be whisked away into neverland, trading my chaos in for some peace and quiet.

(Warning:  Shameless Plug!)  On October 24, we’ll be sweetening the pot a little bit by taking you away from the frustrations of parenting.  Oh, I know, I know… a “worskhop” means work.  But not this one!  We’ll be feeding you, introducing you to other parents just like you, and sending you away with your very own “parent toolkit.”

If you or someone you know is in the North Texas area, this event is a MUST ATTEND.  Please pass this blog post along to someone you know needs or wants to attend.  And if that’s you, register now because spaces are already filling up!

Top 10 Reasons Parents Should Attend “Calgon, Take Me Away!”

1. Learn the importance of discipline and age-approprate consequences
2. Discover your personal parenting style and how that style either helps or hurts your parenting process
3. Understand how difference parenting style affects co-parenting
4. Know how to tailor communication by listening more and talking less (and to connect with your child!)
5. Learn how parenting suffers when you don’t take care of yourself, and get strategies for self-care
6. Understand the importance of your child’s social network, and how to help foster appropriate relationships
7. Know how to give the appropriate amount of privileges versus consequences
8. Learn how to better handle responsibilities like school and social outings
9. Eat free food, mingle with other parents, and receive your very own “Parent Toolkit”
10. Pay only $10!

All of these, plus food.  Plus the time away. Plus a new outlook on parenting life as they know it.

Don’t forget the ear of 4 seasoned counselors and life coaches, optional Q&A, and mingling with other parents can you trade stories (this helps us feel normal!).

In fact, it’s all of those! I Choose Change Counseling and Coaching Center will host a 2-hour seminar on Saturday, October 24 at the Allen Public Library for frazzled parents everywhere. And, we make no bones about it… we intend to whisk you away for at least 2 hours, feed you, and send you away with a “Parent Toolkit,” all aimed at giving you new skills, tips, and tricks for dealing with the frustrations of parenting.

Parents with school-aged children will enjoy a parent seminar, the ear of 3 Licensed Counselors on-hand for Q&A, and yes, food. Parents will also be armed and ready with their interactive “Parent Toolkit” at the end of this 2-hour seminar.

Space is limited. The cost is only $10 in advance. Visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register today!

When: Saturday, October 24, 2009, 10:30am-12:00pm

Where: Allen Public Library, 300 N. Allen Drive, Allen, Texas 75002

How: Call 214-547-1318 or visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register

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photo credit: Alain Bachellier

“When you have a baby you have five years of hard labor ahead of you.  If you don’t get it over in the beginning, you’ve got it coming to you later on.”  - Unknown

This quote is my excuse for why, in September, I just cracked open the March issue of one of my favorite local parenting magazines (Dallas Child).  And although I’ve never met the person who consistently drops off these gems, I always feel like a new present has arrived, and it’s my cue to indulge in fresh, inviting articles on topics most moms feel connected to (like easy summer vacations, how to organize, and where to meet other hip moms).

Just 5 minutes stood before me and my first client, so I wasn’t altogether prepared for the emotional welling-up I had while reading Hala Habal’s “first words” column.  It was her “multiple personalities” (that is, her private discussions with herself) that drew me in, but it was ultimately her ponderings about parenting that compelled me to put fingers to keyboard.

“I wonder with my entire mind and heart what is fundamentally different in a mother’s chromosomes that just won’t allow her to let go and do the best she can,” Hala puzzled over. “We [moms] all just end up feeling generally bad.  We feel bad when we are at work and not with our children; we feel bad when we are with our children that we are not at work.”

Hala wondered how it is that many dads put in two hours or less a day with their children, and seem to feel fine with that system.

Most working moms grapple with the guilt of not spending enough quality time with their children.  Even stay-at-home moms feel like they aren’t doing their best.  Still, there is something extraordinarily profound  about the mother-child bond.

Adding to the frustration of parenting is the contradictory research on what it takes to raise happy, healthy, successful children.

As one researcher says, “When parents know what to expect of children they usually do the right thing.”  Yet with so much conflicting information, it’s hard to know what children need.

Strong evidence suggests that the early mother-infant bond creates a blueprint for all other relationships throughout the lifespan.  Speaking as a mom, this is pretty scary!

On the topic of infants attaching to their mothers, there are two important points to know:

1.  All children have a need to attach to SOMEONE. This is usually mom, but it could also be dad, a nanny, grandma, or a child care provider.  Also, attachment is hierachial, which means babies find one consistent figure to attach with, and all others follow.  For instance, a nanny who spends more quality time with the infant/child than mom or dad may become the primary attachment figure for the child.  The nanny is the child’s “go to” person.

2.  Babies and children tend to attach to whoever spends the most quality time with them.  The attachment figure (usually mom) is what’s called a “secure base.”  This means that even though there may be many providers and people in the child’s life, the one person they ultimately feel most secure with is the person who they have come to trust and rely on above all else.  Mostly, this is mom (but sometimes, as in the case above, it could be someone else).

In cases where children are put in low-quality daycare, for example, where employee turnover is high, AND there is no quality time at home, the child may not have anyone to attach to.  The child doesn’t have a consistent “secure base.”

“They [Parents] may be dog-tired and consider themselves shorter-tempered than they could wish, but it is a great compensation to feel that they really matter, that no one else will do.”  - John Bowlby

Not only do moms have an incredible, unexplainable desire to nurture their child, but the child himself has an innate need to feel nurtured.  Their emotional well-being depends on this connection.  And, as one psychologist points out, “85% of the brain is developed in the first 5 years.”

The time when children are most likely to have the most damaging effects of parental neglect is a time when some parents don’t put in the most quality time.  I recall a friend telling me that after she picks her young daughter up from daycare around 5:30 she falls asleep.  Her daughter wakes up to eat dinner, then goes to bed for the night.  Inside, my heart ached, and I reflected, “It doesn’t sound like you get to spend that much time with her each day.”  And she said non-chalantly, “About an hour and a half.”

Very extreme cases show the detrimental effects of being withheld love and affection – something babies learn to trust they’ll receive as a first developmental milestone.

In the case of Danielle, left in a dark, dank room from birth until age 6, severe neglect created what’s called a “feral child.”  Danielle received food from a bottle and had shelter, but she was had no human touch.  At 6 years old she didn’t make eye contact, weighed 46 pounds and gummed food like a baby.  But Danielle wasn’t born that way!  She has what some call “environmental autism.”  (Read her story here.)

It’s hard to explain why some moms, like Danielle’s, don’t have the innate desire for connection other moms do (although perhaps we could look into their own childhood bonds for answers).  But it is a guarantee that Danielle craved love, affection, and nurturing, and when she didn’t have it, she was starved an emotional death.

As moms, we feel such guilt when we aren’t with our children because we instinctively know that we (and we alone) are their “go to” person.  We are their “secure base.”

We are who they turn to when they are frightened, shy, unsure, confused, and when they are in need of hugs, talks, eye-gazing, and warmth.  Playing legos and tracing letters for hours on end can be pure BOREDOM (it is for me, I admit!). But it’s not just the rote behavior that’s taking place – it’s the attachment.  It’s the connection BEHIND the tower-building, finger-painting, and doll-bathing sessions.  We crave it as much as they do because we know it’s what they NEED.

On my drive home from work today, like Hala and many others, I shifted quickly from “psychotherapist” to “mom” (from dress slacks and tailored hair to t-shirts and pony-tail).  As expected, when I walked in the house one of my toddlers ran to me yelling, “MOMMY!!!” with outstretched arms.

I braced myself for the CRASH I’d feel when she flung her arms around me that would inevitably throw me back.  Fresh on my mind was both my last client who felt lonely and unloved since her mom died at a young age, as well as the ponderings of Hala Habal.

I had the thought while in my daughter’s embrace, “How long is she going to continue squeezing me?”  It seemed to linger on for quite sometime, but I quickly answered myself, “As long as she needs to.”  It was about 7 minutes.  And probably the best 7 minutes of her day.  And mine.  We both needed that.

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photo credit: angela7dreams

Guest post by Leo Babuta at Zen Habits.

“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.” - C.G. Jung

If you’re a hyperparent, you might not even know it — we parents tend to be in denial about that sort of thing.

But if you are, you might want to learn to relax — for your kids’ sake, and for yours.

Hyperparents are spotted when they are trying to educate their child from the womb, and expose them to the most intellectually stimulating music and art and literature before the kid can crawl. They obsess over everything, from whether the child is learning fast enough to how safe every single thing is to every little scrape and bruise. They are overprotective, overbearing, overwhelming to the child.

I admit, I was a hyperparent once, and still can be sometimes. It’s a habit I’m trying to break, with some success.

And for those of you who are hyperparents, and will admit it if only to yourselves, I’d like to share some things I’ve learned, in hopes that it’ll help.

Be forewarned that some of these suggestions take a very different approach to parenting than the traditional methods — I’m not suggesting everyone follow them, especially if you’re not willing to break with traditions. What I am suggesting is that these methods will help you relax, will help your child feel freer and less controlled and more able to explore and learn on her own, and could possibly result in a better relationship with your child and a happier child overall. I don’t have proof of that yet, but I have a strong hunch based on how my kids react when I do these things right.

1. When you get angry, pick them up and hug them. Instead of scolding or spanking or time outs or other controlling methods, try love. It’s a much better response, and you’re teaching your child through your actions rather than your words.

2. Make this your mantra: treat them with kindness, treat them with respect. Seems simple, but it’s surprising how little respect we give to kids, because they’re kids.

3. Drop your expectations of the child. Often parents have high hopes of the child doing well academically, or in sports, or of becoming a professional, when that’s not what the child wants. Or the parent hopes the child will be a certain type of person, and tries to steer the child toward that — a mild, kind child, or a bright, cheerful child, or a studious, hard-working child — but that’s not who the child is. Drop these expectations, and celebrate the child, as she is.

4. Let her play, let her explore. Stop being so overprotective. Allow the kid to be a kid. Let her run around outside, ride a bike, explore nature, play with fire. Teach her, of course, about safety and dangers, but let her be a kid.

5. Say yes, or some version of yes. Instead of saying no. Often parents have an instinct to say no. But this is controlling and stressful, to both child and parent. Stop trying to control the child, and give him some freedom. That doesn’t mean you can say yes all the time, because you have needs too, but it does mean you can say “Yes, we can do that … but perhaps later, when I’m done with what I have to do now.”

6. Stop trying to overeducate, and get out of the way. Parents try to impart all kinds of knowledge on kids. So do schools. But kids learn naturally, without us. Get out of the way, stop trying to force the kid to learn what you think he needs to learn. Encourage him to explore, and read, and figure stuff out. Get him excited about things. When he’s excited about something, he’ll learn. When you force it on him, he’ll do what he’s forced to do, but not learn much other than you’re controlling.

7. Just focus on making the next interaction with them positive. Many of these changes are difficult to make for parents, as we have deeply ingrained habits, stemming from our own childhood. So just focus on the next interaction. Just try to make the next one a good one. Don’t worry about when you screw up — just apologize if you’ve broken a trust, and move on.

8. Take a moment to pause, and see things from your child’s perspective. If you get angry, it’s because you’re only seeing things from your perspective. The child has a completely different view of things, and if you can understand that view, you won’t be mad at the child. You’ll try to make things better for her.

9. If the kid is “acting up”, try to figure out why, and meet that need. Often it’s a need for freedom, or attention, or love, or to be in control of his own life. Figure out what that need is, and find a more productive way to meet it.

10. The kid is already perfect as he is. You don’t need to change him. You don’t need to mold him into the perfect person. He’s already perfect, just as he is.

And now, relax. Enjoy every moment with your child, because they are too few, too impermanent. Trust me — my oldest daughter is 16, and I can’t believe how fast her childhood has come and gone. Cherish this time with them, and make every moment a good one. You’ll never regret those moments of happiness, those moments when you said yes, when you let your child play, when you stopped controlling and started loving.

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” - Red Buttons

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photo credit: orangeacid

Publisher’s note:  This article is intended for teenagers and parents of teenagers.

I’ve got a secret.  And, this little piece of information can change your life, I mean – REALLY CHANGE!

Here’s the thing:  You want your parents off your back.  You want to spend more time with friends, make your own decisions, and stop being treated you like you’re 10.  Right?  You and I both know you’re smart, capable of making good choices, and ready to be trusted.  But somehow, Mom and Dad missed the memo (or so it seems).

Only Two Things Stand Between You and Freedom

I’m about to tell you how you can change your relationship with your parents.  But first, there are two things that stand between you and a little more freedom.  There are only two reasons your parents won’t let you stay out later than 10:00pm (on the weekend!), hang out after the last movie with your friends, and bans you from texting that cute thing you met in biology class.

There are two reasons your parents can’t seem to loosen their grip.  They are very simple, so listen up:

1.  Your parents don’t trust you. I know…”Duh!”  But what’s important here is knowing WHY they don’t trust you, so you can do something about it.  If you’ve ever, since the age of 10, done something that questioned your ability to make a good decision in your parents eyes, you’ve lost some of their trust.  If you’ve done more than one thing, you’ve lost a lot more trust.  And if you’ve done things repeatedly that fall in the, “that was really dumb” category, you probably have no trust left.

This is going to sound a bit harsh, but it’s important so I’m going to be honest:  Not so long ago, you WERE a kid, and if you’re like anyone else on the planet, you HAVE done things that fall in the “that was really dumb” category.  There are many things, big and small, that could fall into this category:  you lied about your grades, you stayed out past curfew, you were caught texting your girlfriend at three o’clock in the morning, or you got busted smoking pot.  Maybe you snuck into an R-rated movie, lied about doing your homework, or skipped first period.

Whatever you’ve done, big or small, Mom and Dad will use those things to remind you how you absolutely CANNOT make good decisions, nor can you be trusted.  Now, you’re at a standstill.  You want them to trust you, but they won’t loosen the grip long enough for you to prove yourself.

2.  Your parents see you as a kid. If your parents saw you as the growing adult you are, they would allow you to make more decisions.

Your parents have always made decisions for you.  They decided what you ate (think squash, peas and ham!), what you wore, how you fixed your hair, and what activities you partcipated in.  Most likely, your parents told you what you could and could not do since they day you entered planet earth.

Somewhere along the way you stopped being a kid, but your parents didn’t notice.  Their “parent instinct” is still in high gear since you CLEARLY aren’t capable of making good choices (not!).  To make matters worse, if you’ve made a decision in the past that falls into the “that was really dumb” category, you’ve dug yourself a very big hole!

The Difference Between Parents, Adults, and Children

Most all parents are adults, but not all adults are parents.  Your goal is to have a more “adult” relationship with your parents.  Your parents have to move out of that “parent” role and start treating you more like an adult.  First, let me tell you the difference between a “parent” and “adult.”

• Parents are controlling people. They’re the ones who make and enforce rules.  They aren’t afraid to take control, have the final word and use discipline whenever they deam necessary.  While parents give children choices, parents have ultimate control.
• Children are dependent little people. They depend solely on parents to provide everything for them.  By nature, kids are self-involved and want immediate gratification.  They can’t do much for themselves, so they look to their mature, loving, responsible parents to do it for them.  Therein lies the future problem…
• Adults are responsible, mature people. Adults, like your friends, are respectful and trustworthy.  Mature adults aren’t demanding, don’t enforce rules, and aren’t controlling.  Having an “adult” relationship is about mutual respect, trust and understanding.

In order to gain more freedom, trust, and responsibility, your “adult parent” needs to see you behaving as an “adult child” – someone who is respectful and capable of making wise decisions.  Are you respectful?  Are you trustworthy?  If you can’t answer “yes” to both of these questions, it means you’ve been acting like a child.  And if you act like a child, you’re going to get a parent breathing down your neck!

You can see the logic here, right?  The more you make good choices, behave maturely, think wisely, and open up to your parents, the more they will loosen the grip.  The more you behave like an “adult,” the more your parents will have no choice but to move from “child parent” to “adult parent.”

There is only one thing that can help change the predicament you’re in:  Start acting more like an adult.

The truth is, you aren’t a kid anymore. Your parents won’t loosen their grip overnight.  They have a bit of changing to do, too!  Give it some time, and always think about what a mature, responsible adult would do in any situation. With time, you’ll have a more loving, trusting, and open relationship with your ADULT parents!

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photo credit:SuperFantastic

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in August 2008.
It’s a sad, though common, state of affairs. I see it in my office, hear about it from my friends, and struggle with it myself. In fact, it seems to be an epidemic among women, especially those with children.

I’m not talking about weight issues, marital strife, or financial concerns, although all of those are fair game. No, what Im talking about is even more important than all those issues because without this, none of the others will “work out.” I’m talking about none other than balance.

Women today wear about a billion different hats: mother, wife, daughter, friend, professional, church volunteer, playdate organizer, etc. So it’s no surprise that the role most often neglected is that of self.

And really, this is no surprise. Think about it…When you neglect doing something for someone else such as attending your daughter’s softball game, making dinner for your family, or sending a birthday card to your sister, someone’s going to be a little put out. On the other hand, if you sacrifice taking care of yourself no one’s going to be upset. In other words, putting everyone’s needs above your own sometimes seems like the only negotiable option.

Unfortunately, it’s not quite as negotiable as you may think.

You may not feel the short-term effects of choosing other things and people over yourself day in and day out. You may even promise yourself that someday you’ll get around to paying attention to yourself and will make up for lost opportunities and time. Unfortunately, what you don’t realize is that each time you “bail out” on yourself someone does feel put out and left out: your True Self.

Deep inside something feels incredibly “right” when you nurture and care for your True Self’s needs and wants. You feel cared for, loved, and watched over, as if you were your own ideal mother. And just like a plant that is tended to, you grow, thrive, and are healthy. And of course the opposite is just as true: neglect leads to feelings of resentment, disdain, and unhealthy habits.

There is no “rule book” with the how-tos of balance.

A friend of mine told me a story that illustrated this point quite well. She told me that she was on her way home from
her yearly gynecologist visit when she realized that she was singing in the car, enjoying the weather, and feeling like a million bucks. She felt a huge sense of contentment because she did something for herself! Keep in mind that she was coming home from a doctor’s appointment — not some swanky spa day! A gynecologist appointment nonetheless!

There is no step-by-step program that leads to achieving this balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. Instead you just have to carve out personal time day in and day out. You can’t assume that someday it will become easier or that you’ll make up for the neglect at some point in the future. No, you just have to do it everyday without guilt, without feeling as if you are cheating others out of something. And even if you do have a little guilt, do it anyway.

For me, today is a perfect example. I worked on this article right after a hair appointment where I not only got a new look but was also able to read an entire issue of People Magazine! I easily could have filled that hour and a half time slot with clients, which would have meant more money; with kid-time, which would have meant excitement for my daughters; or cleaning time, which would have meant a shinny kitchen sink and super clean floors. All of those things are valuable but I had to remind myself that none are as valuable as taking care of myself.

We women can’t sustain a busy life when we neglect the machine that handles all the business.

Making yourself a priority is like spending quality time with a child; that time and energy creates a strong relationship that can handle rough patches. Without that time, rough patches become huge holes in the road of life.

So, no matter how you create time to take care of yourself, do it. And if you can’t create time, just take it! You may even have to do what a good friend does does. She literally writes “spontaneous time” in a 3-hour block on her calendar, and that appointment, just like yours, is 100% non-negotiable.

Your Voice:

• Do you find it hard to give back to yourself, so you feel balance?
• What are ways you regularly “fill your cup”?
• Does taking care of yourself make you feel guilty?

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