In my most recent article, I wrote about the “Acceptance Paradox” providing the sample case of Jon and Kate from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. (I won’t be upset if you clicked away.) I feel the need to drive home this concept a bit more, and I think you’ll find value, too so stick with me!
This topic was first introducted to me in David Burn’s book “Feeling Good Together.” Although called by a different name, the concept is the same: Instead of putting up a defense against your own or other’s criticisms and complaints of you, you find some truth in the statements and accept them.
Common tools used to combat negative emotions such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety assume the preceding negative thoughts are illogical so you should talk back to them. (For example: ”No, I’m not worthless. I am successful, happy, and my life is just as it should be.) This is a “talk to the hand” technique making it acceptable to refute all bad thoughts and criticisms of others. It’s a self-protection technique – a defense to your psyche and some could say, even denial. And, I would add, in some cases, needed.
Acceptance Paradox is about taking responsibility. It is about asking these questions and making these assertions:
- “Is there some truth in the criticism?
- “What can I learn from it?”
- “Can I accept the fact that my performance was not up to par?”
- “I have many deficiencies. I am a human being and I am quite flawed.”
“Ten Days to Self-Esteem” uses this technique beautifully. At the root of all anxieties, depression, fear, anger and guilt lies some degree of a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Using the Accpetance Paradox, in my view, is a powerful step in self-acceptance and crucial to personal developement and growth.
Within your own relationships – friendships, marriage, business, and otherwise – how can this technique help you grow? How can you become a better friend, spouse, and employee by accepting the truth of your behaviors? And, doesn’t it feel powerful to take a step back, and examine yourself in a full length mirror? What you know about yourself consciously, you can change – that is power.
In the case of Kate (from my previous article), it is painful to hear her say “I don’t know” when asked the question of what she could have changed in her marriage. But it’s a lesson we can all learn.
“I don’t know” is a cop-out. It is a barrier between reality and the unknown. If the assumption is “yes, I do know, let me figure it out…” then take a step back, examine, and identify reality. And if you don’t like reality, change it. This is the Acceptance Paradox.
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photo credit: victoriapeckham
I have a confession to make. But before I reveal my secret in full, which will surely prompt you to click away from this article altogether, I’ll give a snippet of my revelation meant only as a way to entice you to keep reading (I admit).
Reality TV (stay with me) is a psychotherapists DREAM. Riveted by the personalities that are thrown together for the sake of a good storyline, I turn into “analyze” mode instantaneously. Think “evangelical mom meets pagan dad” in Wife Swap. Or, “bachelor seeks wife in 8 weeks by eliminating 25 bachelorettes one by one” in The Bachelor.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know why these are such popular shows: the conflicts and confrontations alone have people clamoring to see what’s going to happen next! I engage in my own eye-rolling, heavy sighs, and advice throwing, wishing they could hear me through the television screen!
Yes, I love reality television. But my big confession has me a bit embarrassed and ashamed. Among my new reality show listing is “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” DON’T CLICK AWAY!
At first I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with this show. Having twins of my own, the thought of giving birth to six more sent me into almost hysterics. (If you don’t know the premise of the show, here’s a quick synopsis: Jon and Kate have twins. Five years later, they have sextuplets (that’s the “8” part). A camera now lives with the couple and their house full of kids, filming their every move.)
Their life in and of itself is of no interest to me. As I said, I do good to keep my own home in line: “Terry & Jen Plus 2.” We have enough drama of our own.
But the reason I tuned in recently is because of the announcement that this two parents are getting divorced. (I know, sick.) There were rumors of affairs, and of the parents abandoning their kids to run off for full weeks with their lovers – all the great aspects of a reality show I DREAM of analyzing till my own head is shrinking.
What I quickly came to understand about this couple is something many people no doubt see who aren’t even therapists: These two can’t see the forest for the trees! But even sadder – this is a common state seen on a weekly basis in my private consultation office.
There are moments when I have an individual or a couple in front of me, and I have to stop myself from blurting out, “DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT YOU SAID?” And, as some of my clients could attest, I HAVE said it, in fact! I’ve even gone as far as videotaping my couples, sending them home with the assignment to examine their own behaviors and words in conversation.
It Takes Two
Being the follower I am now (in the midst of adversity, sadness and chaos, I admit), I immediately clicked over to Kate’s interview on the “Today” show as Meredith interviewed her. If I’d had the producer’s number handy, I would have dialed straight away BEGGING to have just 3 hours alone with these two. The conversation went something like this:
Meredith (News Anchor): “Being that marriage and divorce is a two way street, what role do you think you played, if any?”
Kate: “Nobody’s perfect. Obviously it takes two, but I don’t know. What would I change? I don’t know to be honest.”
(It doesn’t SEEM like you think it’s obvious, Kate.)
This is the problem, friends. And it’s not just a problem with Jon and Kate, but goodness sake I do wish they could figure it out so millions could all learn from it!
Yes, I know what you could be saying: Sometimes it just CAN’T be worked out. TRUE! I will agree with that. But an epidemic among deteriorating couples is the failure to realize that problems, no matter how big or small, are the cause of BOTH people in a relationship. Two people have to change in this marriage.
Marital therapy is about working on yourself individually so that you can join your spouse as a whole, healthy person. With even one person in the relationship unable to take a look at herself in a full-length mirror to examine their own faults, puts the marriage at risk for difficulty, if not divorce.
Nevermind my sickening obsession with reality TV and what draws me to it (that’s for another post). The point is here is this: Any conflict in ANY relationship – spouse, partner, friend, boss, children – has two parties to blame. Being able to take personal responsibility for your part is incredibly important.
Acceptance Paradox
There’s an idea called “Acceptance Paradox” which says essentially, instead of defending yourself against someone you feel has wronged you, accept the truth in the criticism, admit your wrongs, and accept them.
It’s in our nature to want to defend ourselves when we are told we are to “blame” in a situation. But there is no blame here – only personal responsibility. Personal responsibility means simply, accepting the “grain of truth” in the criticism and in the failings of the relationship.
For Jon and Kate Gosselin of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” personal responsibility would mean accepting the truth of what caused the breakup of the union. It means coming to terms with the fact that there are things each of them could have done to change the course of this relationship. Had this happened early on (and maybe even now?) perhaps they wouldn’t be splitting up.
Unfortunately, Jon and Kate are examples to many of us, and their kids will be examples of what it’s like to come from a broken home. Through their weekly shows, there no doubt were signs of failure. Was Kate listening when Jon told him how he felt and what he needed? Did Jon accept his own responsibility when Kate complained to Jon? Clearly, neither of them did this (not enough to save the marriage).
Our job throughout our own lives is to take responsibility for our own failings in our relationships. It’s then and only then that we become healthy, happy individuals, capable of having a healthy, happy relationships, including marriage.
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When relationships are at their best we are like teenagers on a rollercoaster ride. We are excited, our heart is racing, we are anticipating, “the ride of a lifetime.”
Every moment of a “relationship roller coaster” ride is filled with a new rush. As we do with the rollercoaster, so do we with relationships in that we are in position to take a risk. Granted it, it might be something you like and want to continue to do or not, and once you have had enough you want off or out. We trust the rollercoaster ride to keep us safe, secure, and not hurt us. In spite of all the twists and turns when the ride evens back out we are still intact.
Sometimes in life we have fastened out seat beats for a relationship rollercoaster ride that is meant to last forever and it goes wrong. As exciting as it was on the way up, the trip down takes on its own personality. Once the descent starts, it often times feels like it will never end.
When we are able to catch our breath we think, “What was I thinking getting on this ride?”
Now throughout the ride, between the twists and turns we reconsider staying in the relationship. The ride operator gives us just those couple of seconds that is takes to rebuild the confidence to take that next hill. In a relationship gone bad we continue to experience the disappointment of the downward spiral the relationship has taken. At what point do you get off? At what point do you decide that you don’t have to go through this? When do you notice that the people around you are having fun and you are not? What has happened in our lives that allow us to settle in relationships?
Here are signs it is time to get off your “relationship rollercoaster”:
- When you feel your emotional needs are never being met
- The relationship becomes physically or emotionally abusive
- The “warm fuzzy” feelings you had are gone
- You find your self disconnected from friends and family
- You feel like an empty shell of your former self and have lost all of yourself esteem
- You notice you have compromised your beliefs, ambitions, and core values.
Relationships take on many forms. We have relationships with parents, children, friends, significant others and even the clerk at the grocery store. There is a saying that “friendships are meant for a reason, season, or a lifetime.” The tough part is figuring out which is which. Managing the change that relationships produce can be challenging and one that counseling can prove helpful.
Patrice Dunn M.Ed., LPC is the presenter of the “Relationship Rollercoaster” workshop. For additional information on upcoming workshops feel free to contact her at patrice@ichoosechange.com.
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In an effort to create a thorough, informative and really great list of resources for all married and committed couples, I compiled a list of the top 21 books that are a “must-read.” Enclosed you’ll find the best of the best!
And, before you feel a little persnickety because your favorite book didn’t make this list, let me tell you how I came up with this information. First, I made a list of my favorites. Second, I looked closely at the bestseller list on amazon.com. Last, I made sure that ALL books listed had an average rating of at least 4.5 stars (out of 5) and they had at least 100 reviews. Every book on this list meets ALL of the three criteria above. There are a couple of exceptions, which I’ve noted at the end of this post.
So without further ado, I present….the list: >> More..
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photo credit: Daquella manera
You don’t have to listen to country music to know that relationships ain’t easy. Having success in them can almost seem like a game of chance. After all, experts will tell you that any one marriage has but a 50-50 chance of success. That’s a scary way of looking at things–and completely wrong. There are ways you can keep your relationships strong no matter what comes at you. One surefire way is to make sure that your relationship “bank account” is always in the black. It’s not too hard to imagine your relationship with your spouse–or anybody else in your life–as a relationship bank account. What are you “investing” in this bank account? Your emotions, your attentions, your affections, your kindness.
Sometimes you could have relationships that are in the red, in arrears even! But if your relationship account is in the black, that means >> More..
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