In my most recent article, I wrote about the “Acceptance Paradox” providing the sample case of Jon and Kate from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. (I won’t be upset if you clicked away.) I feel the need to drive home this concept a bit more, and I think you’ll find value, too so stick with me!
This topic was first introducted to me in David Burn’s book “Feeling Good Together.” Although called by a different name, the concept is the same: Instead of putting up a defense against your own or other’s criticisms and complaints of you, you find some truth in the statements and accept them.
Common tools used to combat negative emotions such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety assume the preceding negative thoughts are illogical so you should talk back to them. (For example: ”No, I’m not worthless. I am successful, happy, and my life is just as it should be.) This is a “talk to the hand” technique making it acceptable to refute all bad thoughts and criticisms of others. It’s a self-protection technique – a defense to your psyche and some could say, even denial. And, I would add, in some cases, needed.
Acceptance Paradox is about taking responsibility. It is about asking these questions and making these assertions:
- “Is there some truth in the criticism?
- “What can I learn from it?”
- “Can I accept the fact that my performance was not up to par?”
- “I have many deficiencies. I am a human being and I am quite flawed.”
“Ten Days to Self-Esteem” uses this technique beautifully. At the root of all anxieties, depression, fear, anger and guilt lies some degree of a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Using the Accpetance Paradox, in my view, is a powerful step in self-acceptance and crucial to personal developement and growth.
Within your own relationships – friendships, marriage, business, and otherwise – how can this technique help you grow? How can you become a better friend, spouse, and employee by accepting the truth of your behaviors? And, doesn’t it feel powerful to take a step back, and examine yourself in a full length mirror? What you know about yourself consciously, you can change – that is power.
In the case of Kate (from my previous article), it is painful to hear her say “I don’t know” when asked the question of what she could have changed in her marriage. But it’s a lesson we can all learn.
“I don’t know” is a cop-out. It is a barrier between reality and the unknown. If the assumption is “yes, I do know, let me figure it out…” then take a step back, examine, and identify reality. And if you don’t like reality, change it. This is the Acceptance Paradox.
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Publisher’s note: The following article was originally posted in the New York Times by Tara Parker-Pope. Click here to get the full story.
Therapy by Phone a Better Option
Most therapists schedule face-to-face meetings with their patients. But new data suggest that therapy by phone may be a better option for some patients.
It has long been a concern among therapists that nearly half of their patients quit after only a few sessions. As a result, a number of health care providers and employee-assistance programs now offer therapy services by phone.
A new analysis of phone therapy research by Northwestern University shows that when patients receive psychotherapy for depression over the phone, more than 90 percent continue with it. The review of a dozen studies of phone therapy showed that the average attrition rate in the telephone therapy was only 7.6 percent, compared to nearly 50 percent in face-to-face therapy. The researchers also found that telephone therapy appeared to be just as effective at reducing depressive symptoms as face-to-face treatment.
“The problem with face-to-face treatment has always been very few people who can benefit from it actually receive it because of emotional and structural barriers,” said David Mohr, professor of preventive medicine at the Feinberg School of Medicine and lead author of the study, published in the September issue of Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. “The telephone is a tool that allows the therapists to reach out to patients, rather than requiring that patients reach out to therapists.”
Among patients who say they want psychotherapy, only 20 percent actually show up for a referral, and half later drop out of treatment.
Dr. Mohr said he began using phone therapy because he was working with patients who had multiple sclerosis who could not get to a therapist’s office. Some patients don’t have regular transportation to a therapist’s office or can’t take time off work or away from their families. In addition, a patient with depression may simply not be capable of getting themselves to the therapist’s office on a regular basis.
“One of the symptoms of depression is people lose motivation,” Dr. Mohr said, in a press release. “It’s hard for them to do the things they are supposed to do. Showing up for appointments is one of those things.”
This article was originally posted in the New York Times by Tara Parker-Pope.
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The reason we don’t change is pretty simple when you think about it. Habits, beliefs, thoughts, and “paradigms” all have a lot to do with it, but before we jump right in, let’s recap exactly how our belief system works:
- Whatever we practice becomes a habit (or belief).
- Habits (Beliefs) are rooted in our subconscious, where they function without our awareness or our permission.
- Since habits (beliefs) are alive, they will, like anything living, fight to stay alive.
- We have learned to feel certain ways, out of habit (belief).
It may not seem fair, but what was created as habit years and years ago, still remains within the psyche today. Insisting on dessert after every meal, running late to work most days, drinking coffee in the morning, sitting in traffic on the expressway on the way to work (instead of taking the train), fighting with the spouse about money, feeling sad during the holidays – all habits! I could go on and on…
Habits are at work in all of us right now, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. And because habits are so cunning and commanding, they get in the way of any positive life developments that are being made. >> More..
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Do you Twitter? If not, you should try. It’s such a fun place to chat with people. The other day while I was Twittering, for instance, I was talking with my fellow followers (Twitter some to know what I’m talking about) about change, and I asked them what they wanted to know about the subject.
Here’s what they asked:
1. Does change have to take years, or can it take an instant?
2. What is the best way to focus on change you want and make it happen?
3. What do you suggest when people feel stuck? >> More..
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photo credit: joiseyshowaa @ flickr
As all of you know who read my previous post on changing those subconscious, habitual thoughts, you have to get out of your comfort zone to do so. You have to become more conscious of your thoughts, and choose to travel a different path, a path of change.
If you haven’t read that post, do so now, because here we’re going to get into Part 2: exactly how to change your habitual, subconscious thoughts.
Now about that old road you’ve been riding … remember how you got started on it? Imagine yourself again on a road trip from Point A to Point B with nothing in between but a wide-open grassy pasture, but this time you’re going to change your route …
On Day 1, you begin your trip on that same worn trail. You know you’ll get stuck on this road, but you can’t seem but to take it again. You feel too nervous, unsettled, and unsure to take any new road.
On Day 2, you’re still going the same way, that seemingly straight shot between Point A and Point B. The anxiety, depression, and fear build in you because you know you’re going to get stuck again. >> More..
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