Oh, the times I’ve uttered those words… At the end of a long day (or even at the beginning and middle of the day!), I’ve wanted to be whisked away into neverland, trading my chaos in for some peace and quiet.

(Warning:  Shameless Plug!)  On October 24, we’ll be sweetening the pot a little bit by taking you away from the frustrations of parenting.  Oh, I know, I know… a “worskhop” means work.  But not this one!  We’ll be feeding you, introducing you to other parents just like you, and sending you away with your very own “parent toolkit.”

If you or someone you know is in the North Texas area, this event is a MUST ATTEND.  Please pass this blog post along to someone you know needs or wants to attend.  And if that’s you, register now because spaces are already filling up!

Top 10 Reasons Parents Should Attend “Calgon, Take Me Away!”

1. Learn the importance of discipline and age-approprate consequences
2. Discover your personal parenting style and how that style either helps or hurts your parenting process
3. Understand how difference parenting style affects co-parenting
4. Know how to tailor communication by listening more and talking less (and to connect with your child!)
5. Learn how parenting suffers when you don’t take care of yourself, and get strategies for self-care
6. Understand the importance of your child’s social network, and how to help foster appropriate relationships
7. Know how to give the appropriate amount of privileges versus consequences
8. Learn how to better handle responsibilities like school and social outings
9. Eat free food, mingle with other parents, and receive your very own “Parent Toolkit”
10. Pay only $10!

All of these, plus food.  Plus the time away. Plus a new outlook on parenting life as they know it.

Don’t forget the ear of 4 seasoned counselors and life coaches, optional Q&A, and mingling with other parents can you trade stories (this helps us feel normal!).

In fact, it’s all of those! I Choose Change Counseling and Coaching Center will host a 2-hour seminar on Saturday, October 24 at the Allen Public Library for frazzled parents everywhere. And, we make no bones about it… we intend to whisk you away for at least 2 hours, feed you, and send you away with a “Parent Toolkit,” all aimed at giving you new skills, tips, and tricks for dealing with the frustrations of parenting.

Parents with school-aged children will enjoy a parent seminar, the ear of 3 Licensed Counselors on-hand for Q&A, and yes, food. Parents will also be armed and ready with their interactive “Parent Toolkit” at the end of this 2-hour seminar.

Space is limited. The cost is only $10 in advance. Visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register today!

When: Saturday, October 24, 2009, 10:30am-12:00pm

Where: Allen Public Library, 300 N. Allen Drive, Allen, Texas 75002

How: Call 214-547-1318 or visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register

Related posts:

1. Cracker Jack Parenting (Or, How Not to Parent)
2. For Teens Only: How to Gain More Freedom and Trust at Home

photo credit: tray

One of the first things I do when working with a client is ask them about their support group.  From friends, family, spouse, co-workers, church members, and others, I want to know who around this client knows what’s going on with them, and will support them no matter what.

Usually, I’m met with a “deer-in-headlights” look.

Rarely do clients want to take their “therapy issue” to their support system.  Spouses may know an angry side of the problem, but that’s not REALLY knowing.  But who helps us keep balanced?

By REALLY knowing someone, I’m talking about the core of that person.  The person that has such a bad day that you experience them as incredibly emotional, ready to “chuck it all,” and even inconsolable; the person who says they’re ready to divorce one day yet talk about their total bliss and great sex life the next; and the person who is incredibly self-absorbed and narcissistic some days over an exciting life projects.  They hear our twisted thinking, and they still love us.

So, this begs the question:  What kind of friends do you have? (And likewise, what kind of friend are YOU?)

In my view, there are three types of friends.  There are A friends, B friends, and C friends.  It’s important to know these types of friends because in tough times as well as happy times, your friendships are what matter MOST.  Let me explain…

“A” Friends - These are your compadres, your possee, and your absolute CLOSEST group of pals.  No, they aren’t just “pals.”  Your “A” friends are your “go to” people.  When times are at their lowest and you feel like you’re losing your mind, these are the people you can turn to.  From embarrassing times, sad times, angry times, stressed times and downright horrific times, these are the friends you turn to when you just need them to BE there. This friend is like family (in fact, could even BE a family member). You won’t have many of them, but this friend is a friend for life.  They are invaluable because they allow you the space to be who you are, craziness and all! (And, they aren’t afraid to “call you on your stuff.”)

“B” Friends - These are your “close” friends.  Yes, “A” friends are close, but they are more than close.  They know the inner-workings of your world and what makes you tick.  Your “B” friends are there for you, bring you family dinners during hard times, lend you their ear, and pick you up when you’re down.  Your “B” friends are invaluable, and we need them en masse.  These are the people you grab coffee with when you’re feeling a bit low so they can tell you how great you are – they give us balance.  While they don’t know the “craziness” you can sometimes feel when you’re an emotional basket case, they do understand frustrations, anger, sadness and they care that you feel better.

“C” Friends - These are your acquaintances.  From social parties, sporting events, work functions and just “hanging out,” your “C” friends are the ones you can call on to enhance your social life on an occasional basis.  These are merely social friends.  They add value to your life because they keep you connected to the world, to like-minded people with the same interests as you, and with those with commonalities like motherhood and career woes.  However, your “C” friends aren’t privy to the inner workings of your world. You may flippantly talk about how “frustrated” you were during a situation or how “embarrassing” it was to _____, but they couldn’t know how much one of those situations was truly life changing.

Most people who lack a sufficient support system have plenty of “C” friends, and the occasional “B” friend.  But they don’t have nearly enough “A” friends, if any at all.  Your “A” friends are absolutely ESSENTIAL.

All friendships are essential.

We need friends and family in our life because they help us feel connected, loved, and appreciated. However, without a sufficient amount of each type of friend, especially “A” friends, life can feel incredibly lonely.  Even with many acquaintances around, it’s lonely when you feel like there’s no one to call on and talk to about your deepest worries, woes and life challenges.

You won’t have many “A” friends, by my calculation.  They are a rare breed.  To be an “A” friend is exhausting at times, and let it be known, you exhaust your “A” friends. But that comes with the territory of that type of friendship. Nevertheless, if you’re going through life without sufficient “A” friends, seek them out.

Your “C” and “B” friends can become your “A” friends. There are qualities you’ll want to look for when you’re looking to move your friends up in rank:

• You just have a “gut feeling” they are genuine, truthful, and honest, or you’ve experienced them as such
• You’ve experienced them helping someone else in crisis, and when they talk about that person, it’s never in a condescending way
• This person is full of values and morals that closely match yours
• The integrity of this person is unlike most people you come in contact with
• Somehow when you talk to this person, you feel at ease, “normal,” and like you can “be yourself” – in fact, this person helps you feel normal again!
• This person doesn’t “jump on the bandwagon” with you when you’re in crisis mode.  In other words, they are WITH you during your pain, but they don’t JOIN you in your pain.
• This person knows when to call “BS” and they aren’t afraid to confront you (lovingly) when you need it
• There is no gossiping, judging, or “caddiness” with this friend – only pure acceptance and love!

If you haven’t found your “A” friend, seek her out!  This person is crucial.  And, once you have your “A” friends in place, don’t forget to nurture your “B” friends, and hang out with your “C” friends – they love and need you to.  AND, you never know when one of those friends is looking for their next “A” friendship!

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/blog

photo credit: chotda

In an effort to create a thorough, informative and really great list of resources for all married and committed couples, I compiled a list of the top 21 books that are a “must-read.”  Enclosed you’ll find the best of the best!

And, before you feel a little persnickety because your favorite book didn’t make this list, let me tell you how I came up with this information.  First, I made a list of my favorites.  Second, I looked closely at the bestseller list on amazon.com.  Last, I made sure that ALL books listed had an average rating of at least 4.5 stars (out of 5) and they had at least 100 reviews.  Every book on this list meets ALL of the three criteria above.  There are a couple of exceptions, which I’ve noted at the end of this post.

So without further ado, I present….the list:

1. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman *
2. The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life by Shmuley Boteach
3. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerich
4. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Nan Silver, and John Gottmann
5. Getting the Love You Want:  A Guide for Couples  By Harville Hendricks, Ph.D. *
6. Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman
7. The Heart of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
8. For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti Feldhahn, Jeff Feldhahn *
9. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron
10. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson
11. Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli
12. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
13. The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Miguel Ruiz
14. The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas
15. Passionate Marriage:  Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships  By David Schnarch *
16. Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner by Ph.d., Phillip C. Mcgraw
17. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:  A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.
18. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. *
19. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Nan Silver, and John Gottman *
20. For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men  by Shaunti Feldhah *
21. Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life  by Martin E. P. Seligman *

Who are these books for?

I chose these books for 2 categories of people:

1. Those in a committed relationship, and
2. Those who want to be the best partner you can be in their committed relationship (so yes, you will get value from this book even if your spouse chooses not to read)

This list doesn’t discriminate against those married or simply cohabitating, nor does the information exclude gay and lesbian couples.

Exclusions

The top 21 list does not include books on dating, and you’ll find no information for “singles” here.  Also, for couples that are in the midst of crisis such as divorce, infidelity or parenting challenges, these books do not specifically address those types of concerns.  However, I have found in my practice with many couples that when there’s a healthy relationship, you’re less likely to have the traumatic crisis’ that can lead to marital woes (and sometimes divorce).  For that reason, these books ARE appropriate for anyone who is experiencing a crisis situation; however, it should be noted there are other books on the market that could lend even more specializing information to your crisis situation.

There are two books on this list that do not meet all three of my criteria above.  #2 The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life by Shmuley Boteach does not have 100 reviews yet.  The reason may be that this is a 2009 new release.  However, it is in the bestseller list and it does have a rating of 5 starts.  Furthermore, I personally believe Shmuley to be insightful and “spot on” with much of his work, so I highly recommend any of his writings.  

Second, #21 Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life  by Martin E. P. Seligman is one I threw in based on personal choice.  This is not a book for marriage perse, but it does have a high rating of 5 stars and has over 200 reviewers.  I think personal health and development is first priority before a any relationship can be successful.  This book is a great start for that purpose!

Note the asterick (*) outside some of these books – these are my personal favorites.  All personal favorites ALSO meet the three criteria mentioned above.  

Your Turn!

I have no doubt you have feedback!  If you’re in a committed relationship, I have no doubt you’ll find this list useful.  And, if you find value here, I would appreciate a digg, please.  On the other hand, if you don’t like the list or have negative comments, I’ll make sure to purge those from my memory bank before creating another list such as this in the future! =)

Enjoy, and happy reading!

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/blog

“Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team”

Doesn’t it sometimes feel like this is what we’ll just have to do, in order to make it all WORK?

We’re all busy with work, family, kids, and social lives.  We also engage in a balancing act between all the roles we play in our lives.

As we’re pulled in many directions on a daily basis, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to focus on what REALLY matters?  What if you could design your life so that you spend just the right amount of time, in just the right way, so that you could stop feeling like a tug-of-war rope, and even have time for yourself?

The essentials of a happy life are fewer than we think, if we are able to find the right balance between time and quality.

Quality or Quantity?  What’s most important for a healthy family?

Please voice your thoughts in the comments section.

Related posts:

1. The ABCs of Friendship, and Why It’s REALLY Important
2. 10 Ways to Raise a Happy, Healthy, Secure Child