photo credit: T Hall

Like a deer in headlights.

That’s how Mom looked when I asked, simply, “How do you show your son love?”

There was a looooooong pause.  Blinking.  Total befuddlement.  I waited.  Waited.  Waited.  Then she said, “I’ve just been so angry at him lately.  He intentionlly does things that make me mad.  I can’t show him love right now.”

Excuse me?  You can’t do what?  Because your son is acting like a mad man, you can’t show him love?  (You know the kind of “mad man” behavior I’m talking about, right?  The kind that screams, “SHOW ME ATTENTION!!!”)

Ok, here’s the thing.  Kids are none of these things:  vindictive, out to get you, or purposely pissing you off.  And, as parents, we must, must, MUST separate the PERSON from the BEHAVIOR in our kids.  If we can love our kids without putting conditions on that love, the behavior won’t be NEAR as bad.  In fact, some of their craziness may stop altogether.

This story makes me angry.  Really angry.

My last post listed ways to raise a happy, healthy, and secure child.  One of the ways to know your child doesn’t fit into that category is if he consistenly acts like a 2-year old let loose in rain puddles!  His environment affects the his behavior in big ways.  I know I’ll tick off some parents who read this, but it’s a statement I’m willing to stand by and back up.

In a response to my earlier post, one commenter wrote, “I knew my dad loved me, but…”  Stop right there.

As an adult you can logically and rationally deduce that your father loved you because he did X, Y, and Z (fed you, clothed you, and worked hard for the family for example).  But as a child, you didn’t think that way.  Your daydreams  didn’t sound anything like the ponderings we have as adults.

Children don’t deduce the way you can now.  As a child, missing out on the nurturing, tenderness, and hugs may have sent the message that you weren’t lovable.

What if you didn’t receive those things as a child?  How would you know?

There are several clues that may tell you if you received the “your love didn’t come free” message as a child.  Check for these signs in your life:

• Frequent arguments in your marriage
• Yelling, fighting, and uncontrollable children
• Unstable job history and/or frequent unhappiness
• Chronic bouts of depression or anxiety
• Lack of supportive friendships
• Feeling out of control or wronged a lot of the time
• Chronic lack of self-esteem and self-confidence

If you find yourself stuck in adulthood feeling unhappy, unhealthy, and insecure, you might need to revisit your own inner child.  Your little guy (or little girl) is waiting to be loved.

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/blog

photo credit: splorp

Therapy by Phone a Better Option

Most therapists schedule face-to-face meetings with their patients. But new data suggest that therapy by phone may be a better option for some patients.

It has long been a concern among therapists that nearly half of their patients quit after only a few sessions. As a result, a number of health care providers and employee-assistance programs now offer therapy services by phone.

A new analysis of phone therapy research by Northwestern University shows that when patients receive psychotherapy for depression over the phone, more than 90 percent continue with it. The review of a dozen studies of phone therapy showed that the average attrition rate in the telephone therapy was only 7.6 percent, compared to nearly 50 percent in face-to-face therapy. The researchers also found that telephone therapy appeared to be just as effective at reducing depressive symptoms as face-to-face treatment.

“The problem with face-to-face treatment has always been very few people who can benefit from it actually receive it because of emotional and structural barriers,” said David Mohr, professor of preventive medicine at the Feinberg School of Medicine and lead author of the study, published in the September issue of Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. “The telephone is a tool that allows the therapists to reach out to patients, rather than requiring that patients reach out to therapists.”

Among patients who say they want psychotherapy, only 20 percent actually show up for a referral, and half later drop out of treatment.

Dr. Mohr said he began using phone therapy because he was working with patients who had multiple sclerosis who could not get to a therapist’s office. Some patients don’t have regular transportation to a therapist’s office or can’t take time off work or away from their families. In addition, a patient with depression may simply not be capable of getting themselves to the therapist’s office on a regular basis.

“One of the symptoms of depression is people lose motivation,” Dr. Mohr said, in a press release. “It’s hard for them to do the things they are supposed to do. Showing up for appointments is one of those things.”

This article was originally posted in the New York Times by Tara Parker-Pope.

Related posts:

1. 3 Reasons We Just Won’t Change
2. Twisted Thinking: How it’s Really Messing Things Up

photo credit: visibleducts

Do you have tasks you want to accomplish or dreams you want to pursue, but seem to always have something standing in your way?      

100% of all clients that step into my office come for one of only two reasons: 

1. They’re doing something they don’t want to do (or want to do something they aren’t doing), and
2. They feel something they don’t want to feel, like anxiety, depression, loneliness, sadness, guilt, fatigue, or fear. 

Anxiety is biggie.  That heart-racing, skin-sweating, heavy-breathing, “I’m going to die” feeling overtakes some people so fast, that the fear of having an anxiety attack can begin to be even more of a fear than the actual anxiety attack itself. 

There are four types of destructive, anxiety-prone personalities listed in Luciani’s book, Self-Coaching that are worth knowing:

• Worrywarts – This is the “what-iffing” personality.  “What if I lose my job?” “What if my children don’t love me?”  “What if I have a wreck while I’m driving?”  For the worrywart, losing control is at the forefront of their thoughts.
• Hedgehogs – This personality keeps people at arm’s length by spewing their general distaste about the world around them.  They can change on a dime from sweet and innocent to loathing, defensive, corrosive and bitter.  What this personality uses as a protective measure of the world around them is seen by others as negative, passive-aggressive, and generally unpleasant.  And, while the hedgehog is busy “protecting itself” with its porcupine needles, his personal life swirls down the toilet, leaving the hedgehog feeling even more depressed, anxious and untrusting.
• Turtles – Having the tendency to avoid confrontation, isolate, and struggle in social situations, this personality retreats from life when they begin to feel powerless in some aspect of their life.  You can recognize “retreating” turtle personalities in someone who overindulges in just about anything:  TV, drugs, sleeping, work, etc.
• Chameleons – This personality changes his behavior so as to manipulate the situation to make him more in control.  This type may be seen as the bully or someone who you’d deem as “fake.”  They utilize “chameleon-like” personality to change how others perceive them based on the situation.  In other words, they’re never the same person in any situation. 

All of these personality types create a life of anxiety and depression because the social and personal lives become lonely places.  They don’t keep friends easily.  When there is an intense need for control, yet feelings of powerlessness, they lash out at loved ones and keep at an arm’s length from them.  Left feeling empty, alone, lonely, isolated, and unloved feelings of depression and anxiety takeover.

The anxious person “acts out” as a means to control their environment trying to decrease their anxiety.  But this only works to INCREASE anxiety, and sabotage personal relationships in the process.

When we can finally identify what we feel, as well as the actions we take to act out that feeling, the next step is to simply use the TEA Formula to start changing.  That is, get down to the nitty-gritty of what’s driving those unwanted emotions and actions.  Here how:

Step 1:  Ask yourself:  “What am I doing that is destructive?”  Overindulging in food, sleep, sex, gambling, or TV, isolating myself, fighting with my spouse, yelling at my kids, and working too much, are a few examples.

Step 2:  Ask yourself:  “How am I feeling?”  Usually summed up in one word:  lonely, sad, alone, guilty, depressed, anxious, ugly, anger, etc.

Step 3:  Ask yourself:  “What is the immediate thought, perception, judgment or opinion that preceded this feeling?”  This is easily answered by knowing what your reaction is to something in your environment.  “I don’t like how my husband talked to me, and it makes me feel angry.”  “My boss nit-picks my work and it makes me feel disrespected.”  “I have no time to myself because of all the roles I play during the day, and that makes me feel depressed.”

– Side note about “…it makes me feel…” – remember, your thoughts are what “make you feel” what you feel, not the outside world.  But we often say this statement without being conscious.  Notice when you say this though, because you can identify what you feel pretty quickly. 

– The thoughts that immediately precede the feeling in the above statements are, “I don’t like how my husband talked to me,” “My boss nit-picks my work,” and “I have no time to myself.”  Those statements – your thoughts and perceptions about OTHER THINGS that are out of your control – are what create your emotions.  Now, your task is to simply change your perception, or thought, about that preceding event.

When you can get to your root thought – sometimes that means becoming aware of your subconscious thought (making the subconscious, conscious) – then you simply ask yourself:  “Is this a thought that is serving me well?”

If you are feeling something you don’t want to feel or doing something you don’t want to do – like anxiety – then you can rest assured, the thought that got you to those feelings and actions could be tweaked a bit so you get a different feeling and action.

 photo credit: Fiona MacGinty

Related posts:

1. “It’s Not My Fault!”: Taking Personal Responsibility in Difficult Situations
2. Twisted Thinking: How it’s Really Messing Things Up
3. How to Un-Disturb Yourself

“Why do I continue to act in ways that sabotage my life?”

This is a common question, and the answer is very simple:  Because of what you THINK!  Change happens all the time, everyday, about 60,000 times a day even when you don’t know it.  The external world doesn’t determine your emotions, your thoughts do.  When you want to change what you feel or do, you must change your own thoughts.

• Overgeneralization.  Creating sweeping conclusions about yourself denies what is true about your life.  For example, “I’ve never been successful, so I won’t be successful now.” Or, “I always fail!”
• Fortune Telling.  Pretending you know what the future holds only sabotages your change efforts.  For example, “I’ve seen a therapist before and it didn’t work.  I just know this isn’t going to work for me now either.”
• Mental Filter.  You can create the reality you want by only focusing on what you deem important.  You can recognize this when you say, “I don’t have to exercise because I’m really good at counting calories and that will take the weight off.”
• Should Statements.  Saying what you “should,” “must” or “ought” to do only set you up for failure.  Ask yourself, “Where’s the rule book that says I should do this?”  This line of thinking takes away your choices.  For example, “I must not have a cookie because I will gain back all of my weight.”
• Dismissing Positives.  If you’ve heard yourself say, “Anybody can do this, it’s no big deal,” you might not be recognizing your changes!  This kind of self-sabotage keep you stuck in what’s going WRONG as opposed to what’s going RIGHT.
• Blaming.  Not taking responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions and actions keeps you stuck as a victim and blaming others.  If you’ve said, “My husband just doesn’t understand me and that’s why we argue so much,” or “That homework assignment my therapist gave me was stupid – it set me up to fail,” you aren’t taking responsibility and this will create negative emotions and actions.
• All or Nothing.  “I yelled at my kids again today, which proves I’m a horrible mother!”  This is black and white thinking that leaves you no alternative but to fail, especially when you have an unrealistic expectation of success. 
• Emotional Reasoning.  Saying “It’s been such a stressful, hard week, and I deserve to drink as much as I want this weekend” is only justifying your destructive behavior.  If you feel negative emotions, don’t work it out by giving up on your life change!

Photo courtesy  pfv.

Related posts:

1. Twisted Thinking: How it’s Really Messing Things Up
2. “It’s Not My Fault!”: Taking Personal Responsibility in Difficult Situations

Postpartum depression is a real issue that can strike any woman after childbirth, without warning.  Hormone fluctuations can make even the most grounded and well-balanced mom feel “off.”  And for many moms, we have a need to have the perfect life with our baby, and feel embarrassed if life doesn’t seem quite right.

For some, postpartum depression goes beyond what is considered “normal.”  If you suffer from 3 or more of the symptoms below after having a baby, talk to someone and get help. 

• I feel more tired than I think I should feel now that I’ve given birth.
• I feel overwhelmed now that the new baby is here, and I can’t think of what to do next.
• I don’t think I’m a good mother, and I’m notable to care for my baby like I want to.
• I have had bouts of depression in the past and/or it runs in my family.
• I am not the perfect mom I want to be.
• I don’t even know who I am anymore.
• I hate the way I look; I’m not even the same person.
• There is too much other stress in my life to be the mom I want to be.
• I use legal or illegal substances more than I should.
• I don’t have the support from my partner and family that I need.
• I feel like I’m going to “come unglued” at any moment, and I want to just run and hide.

Having a child takes a toll on a woman’s body, and postartum depression isn’t something imagined.  While it can happen in varying degrees to women, it is an issue that needs to be considered.

The best treatment for postpartum depression is talk therapy and maybe even a mild anti-depressant.  If you or someone you know exhibits the symptoms above in abundance (i.e. more than what would be considered “normal”), get help form a professional.

Photo credit:  Lst1984 @ flickr

Related posts:

1. The Benefits of Therapy by Phone