photo credit: orangeacid
Publisher’s note: This article is intended for teenagers and parents of teenagers.
I’ve got a secret. And, this little piece of information can change your life, I mean – REALLY CHANGE!
Here’s the thing: You want your parents off your back. You want to spend more time with friends, make your own decisions, and stop being treated you like you’re 10. Right? You and I both know you’re smart, capable of making good choices, and ready to be trusted. But somehow, Mom and Dad missed the memo (or so it seems).
Only Two Things Stand Between You and Freedom
I’m about to tell you how you can change your relationship with your parents. But first, there are two things that stand between you and a little more freedom. There are only two reasons your parents won’t let you stay out later than 10:00pm (on the weekend!), hang out after the last movie with your friends, and bans you from texting that cute thing you met in biology class.
There are two reasons your parents can’t seem to loosen their grip. They are very simple, so listen up:
1. Your parents don’t trust you. I know…”Duh!” But what’s important here is knowing WHY they don’t trust you, so you can do something about it. If you’ve ever, since the age of 10, done something that questioned your ability to make a good decision in your parents eyes, you’ve lost some of their trust. If you’ve done more than one thing, you’ve lost a lot more trust. And if you’ve done things repeatedly that fall in the, “that was really dumb” category, you probably have no trust left.
This is going to sound a bit harsh, but it’s important so I’m going to be honest: Not so long ago, you WERE a kid, and if you’re like anyone else on the planet, you HAVE done things that fall in the “that was really dumb” category. There are many things, big and small, that could fall into this category: you lied about your grades, you stayed out past curfew, you were caught texting your girlfriend at three o’clock in the morning, or you got busted smoking pot. Maybe you snuck into an R-rated movie, lied about doing your homework, or skipped first period.
Whatever you’ve done, big or small, Mom and Dad will use those things to remind you how you absolutely CANNOT make good decisions, nor can you be trusted. Now, you’re at a standstill. You want them to trust you, but they won’t loosen the grip long enough for you to prove yourself.
2. Your parents see you as a kid. If your parents saw you as the growing adult you are, they would allow you to make more decisions.
Your parents have always made decisions for you. They decided what you ate (think squash, peas and ham!), what you wore, how you fixed your hair, and what activities you partcipated in. Most likely, your parents told you what you could and could not do since they day you entered planet earth.
Somewhere along the way you stopped being a kid, but your parents didn’t notice. Their “parent instinct” is still in high gear since you CLEARLY aren’t capable of making good choices (not!). To make matters worse, if you’ve made a decision in the past that falls into the “that was really dumb” category, you’ve dug yourself a very big hole!
The Difference Between Parents, Adults, and Children
Most all parents are adults, but not all adults are parents. Your goal is to have a more “adult” relationship with your parents. Your parents have to move out of that “parent” role and start treating you more like an adult. First, let me tell you the difference between a “parent” and “adult.”
- Parents are controlling people. They’re the ones who make and enforce rules. They aren’t afraid to take control, have the final word and use discipline whenever they deam necessary. While parents give children choices, parents have ultimate control.
- Children are dependent little people. They depend solely on parents to provide everything for them. By nature, kids are self-involved and want immediate gratification. They can’t do much for themselves, so they look to their mature, loving, responsible parents to do it for them. Therein lies the future problem…
- Adults are responsible, mature people. Adults, like your friends, are respectful and trustworthy. Mature adults aren’t demanding, don’t enforce rules, and aren’t controlling. Having an “adult” relationship is about mutual respect, trust and understanding.
In order to gain more freedom, trust, and responsibility, your “adult parent” needs to see you behaving as an “adult child” – someone who is respectful and capable of making wise decisions. Are you respectful? Are you trustworthy? If you can’t answer “yes” to both of these questions, it means you’ve been acting like a child. And if you act like a child, you’re going to get a parent breathing down your neck!
You can see the logic here, right? The more you make good choices, behave maturely, think wisely, and open up to your parents, the more they will loosen the grip. The more you behave like an “adult,” the more your parents will have no choice but to move from “child parent” to “adult parent.”
There is only one thing that can help change the predicament you’re in: Start acting more like an adult.
The truth is, you aren’t a kid anymore. Your parents won’t loosen their grip overnight. They have a bit of changing to do, too! Give it some time, and always think about what a mature, responsible adult would do in any situation. With time, you’ll have a more loving, trusting, and open relationship with your ADULT parents!
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photo credit: wander.lust
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in 2007.
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As I fumbled through some old files, cleaning up my home office, I ran across a journal of quotes I’d started in 1994. I opened the journal, and right there on the first page was this magical little quote.
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Your table is only strong when all three legs are strong. Or put it this way: Your table is only as strong as its weakest leg. And if that leg is too weak, your whole table will collapse. What are these legs we speak of? They are the implied messages that we give to our children.
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