My first inclination that I wanted to be in the helping profession was in Middle School. I grew up in a small town in West Texas that had basically only two groups of people: popular and not popular.   I suppose a third group would be those teetering between those two – some days your “in” and some days you’re very “out”. I was that person. I teetered.

The problem with teetering though, is that all people want to belong somewhere. It’s human nature to want to be part of a group. To have comradere.  To have people looking out for you and being your support system. Growing up, I’m not sure I felt like I had that. I lived in an “unsure” world.

My middle school experience I had was inherited from my early childhood development. How I learned to trust, be independent, and take up for myself against bullies was part of my foundational learned style. Couple that learned development with my personality trait of being very emotional and it led to some ill-equipped coping skills at a young age.

Understanding what is developmentally appropriate at any age is essential to parenting.  In later years, it’s essential to change.

We all want to know why we do some of the crazy stuff we do.  And, in order to know, we must look back in time at those early years.  Robert Karen wrote a great book on the topic of relationships.  He says, and others said before him, that early relationships shape our capacity to love.

Let’s think about this… ALL early relationships shape how we enter into any relationship – friendship, spousal, work – in the future.  That’s huge!

We’re born with a temperament style (cranky, happy-go-lucky, easy).  Environment acts on that temperament, adding to what we’re born with and creating layers upon layers of learned behavior.

It’s important that early caregivers understand their baby and child’s temperament because this dramatically affects parenting style.  We’ve all heard parents who say, “I parenting my children exactly the same, so I don’t know why Jason ended up so different and in trouble all the time!”  Well, that’s why.  Jason isn’t like Jill.  They must be parented differently.

As we move through life and have difficulties in certain areas, we have to take a look back in time and ask ourselves where we got stuck.  What did we learn about ourselves and the world around us, even if by accident?

A good friend tells the story set on a hot summer day in South Texas, a small house with had no air conditioning (think 110 degrees!).  She recalls lying her her head in her mother’s lap, resting there a minute and feeling so warm, snug, and secure.  But within a few seconds her mother said, “You’re making me hot!” and made her move.

As an adult, we can understand this scenario, right?  Extremely hot, child in lap, mom MERELY saying she’s hot.  But as a child, what she took away from this transaction was, “I don’t want to be close to you!”  One small translation, with no follow-up from Mom (this is key), and a message looms 20 years later:  ”You’re a burden.”

This may all sound simplistic on the surface, sure.  But digging deeper helps us realize WHY we inherit our learned messages.  And when we understand those, we can begin to unravel and relearn.

What is your first childhood memory?  What experiences do you feel shaped you most?  Do those core messages haunt you?  Let’s talk about it in the “comment” section below…

Related posts:

1. How to Increase Self-Esteem (and Other Emotionally Distressing Woes)

Oh, the times I’ve uttered those words… At the end of a long day (or even at the beginning and middle of the day!), I’ve wanted to be whisked away into neverland, trading my chaos in for some peace and quiet.

(Warning:  Shameless Plug!)  On October 24, we’ll be sweetening the pot a little bit by taking you away from the frustrations of parenting.  Oh, I know, I know… a “worskhop” means work.  But not this one!  We’ll be feeding you, introducing you to other parents just like you, and sending you away with your very own “parent toolkit.”

If you or someone you know is in the North Texas area, this event is a MUST ATTEND.  Please pass this blog post along to someone you know needs or wants to attend.  And if that’s you, register now because spaces are already filling up!

Top 10 Reasons Parents Should Attend “Calgon, Take Me Away!”

1. Learn the importance of discipline and age-approprate consequences
2. Discover your personal parenting style and how that style either helps or hurts your parenting process
3. Understand how difference parenting style affects co-parenting
4. Know how to tailor communication by listening more and talking less (and to connect with your child!)
5. Learn how parenting suffers when you don’t take care of yourself, and get strategies for self-care
6. Understand the importance of your child’s social network, and how to help foster appropriate relationships
7. Know how to give the appropriate amount of privileges versus consequences
8. Learn how to better handle responsibilities like school and social outings
9. Eat free food, mingle with other parents, and receive your very own “Parent Toolkit”
10. Pay only $10!

All of these, plus food.  Plus the time away. Plus a new outlook on parenting life as they know it.

Don’t forget the ear of 4 seasoned counselors and life coaches, optional Q&A, and mingling with other parents can you trade stories (this helps us feel normal!).

In fact, it’s all of those! I Choose Change Counseling and Coaching Center will host a 2-hour seminar on Saturday, October 24 at the Allen Public Library for frazzled parents everywhere. And, we make no bones about it… we intend to whisk you away for at least 2 hours, feed you, and send you away with a “Parent Toolkit,” all aimed at giving you new skills, tips, and tricks for dealing with the frustrations of parenting.

Parents with school-aged children will enjoy a parent seminar, the ear of 3 Licensed Counselors on-hand for Q&A, and yes, food. Parents will also be armed and ready with their interactive “Parent Toolkit” at the end of this 2-hour seminar.

Space is limited. The cost is only $10 in advance. Visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register today!

When: Saturday, October 24, 2009, 10:30am-12:00pm

Where: Allen Public Library, 300 N. Allen Drive, Allen, Texas 75002

How: Call 214-547-1318 or visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register

Related posts:

1. Cracker Jack Parenting (Or, How Not to Parent)
2. For Teens Only: How to Gain More Freedom and Trust at Home

photo credit: Pandiyan

Editor’s note:  I originally posted this in October 2008.  Now, one year later, I’m revisiting authenticity.  Enjoy!

I have found it – the definition of authenticity! Sure, there are plenty of Toms, Dicks, and Harrys out there who claim to know all about “authentic” life styles. They say, “Listen to me. I can guide you to happiness!” Then they charge you an arm and a leg. But I think I have found the real definition of authenticity. Here it is, for free I might add. (You’re welcome!)

It comes by way of Brian Goldman, a graduate student at the University of Georgia in Athens. He was digging through centuries-old research and philosophy when he uncovered what I think is a pretty great definition:

“The unimpeded operations of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

Ohhh … pretty! How simple and sweet is that, huh?

I agree completely with it too, which you probably already knew because I’ve been using the same definition of authenticity for quite sometime now.

Another one of my favorites is Neil Lark Warren’s 10 Characteristics in Finding Contentment. I’ve also recently been struck by so-called physical acts of authenticity, which the authors outlined in a newer issue of Psychology Today.

These physical acts of authenticity are:

1. Meditate. Think of it only as a way to get to your “happy place,” not a technique to influence outside forces. For instance, why do you work? To earn money to buy pretty things. Why do you meditate? To achieve internal happiness. I can handle that.

2. Be Deliberate. Be conscious that you have choices. You can choose to change (lol–”I choose change!”), or you can choose to stick with what you have. You can choose to move forward, go backward, or do nothing at all. Being deliberate simply means acting consciously, with purpose.

3. Act Intuitively. Sure, you got me; this runs counter to No. 2. But as we’ve talked about before, acting consciously can sometimes be detrimental when too much rationalizing and reasoning gets in the way of your gut feelings. Don’t be afraid to follow your instincts. They’re there to guide you forward.

4. Create Solitude. There’s nothing like shutting down–on purpose–so you can recharge. We’re talking power down your blackberry, shut your door, turn off the TV and the laptop, and provide yourself the space to just thing and be. Authentic people regularly look inside and listen to their intuition, but they can’t do this with all the chaos of the modern world swirling around them.

5. Stay Connected. Thomas Moore, author of A Life at Work, says, “Community is an outlook toward life in which you define yourself in relation to the world around you, rather than only in connection with yourself.” Community, he is saying, is a way to enlarge our own sense of self.

6. Play Hard. Don’t hold back when doing what you really love, whether it’s tennis, running, art, dancing. It allows you to fully express who you are at your core.

7. Be Willing to Lose. Authentic people know that failure is part of growing. You must be willing to stare down your failures, learn from them, and move forward if you are to live an authentic life.

I take no credit for the above definitions.  But I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of taking personal responsibility for life’s challenges.  That means peering inside for answers on why we do what we do, feel what we feel, and think what we think.  It’s only through an authentic life that we can look internally, and take personal responsibility.  Personal responsibility is the genius of change!

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/blog

photo credit: stefernie

“We cannot change our childhood.  We can make sense of what has been repressed and forgotten…If we remain conscious of ourselves and of the pull of early models, even if hang-ups of various kinds remain, as inevitably they must, we have a better chance of creating satisfying relationships with our mates and secure relationships with our children…we are only doomed to repeat what has not been remembered, reflected upon, and worked through.”  - Robert Karen

Our relationships are reflections of our true self. The adage “you are who your friends are” is true.  However, we aren’t who our friends are because they are shaping us, it’s because they are a reflection of who we feel most comfortable with.

If our earliest bonds dictate, in many ways, the health of future relationships, then our current ones with our friends, coworkers and spouse can be the best reflection of our greatest challenges.  In fact, when you have no friends at all, and can’t seem to play nice with people, being self-reflective is your best bet in knowing why it seems nobody likes you.

For example, you hear yourself say something like, “She is so stuck up with those dagger eyes and speaks in that whiney know-it-all voice!” has no self-reflection at all.  It is “other-blame” – you are merely stating your perception of someone else instead of  considering how you may have created this situation.

Instead, open up to the possibility that this situation isn’t what you’ve just imagined.  That she didn’t have dagger eyes and a whiney know-it-all voice.  And, if she does, why does it cut to your core?  What “buttons” were pushed in you?  It’s obvious you feel wronged in some way, but why?

The gap between blaming someone else and mulling over what you feel is where the likelihood of change lies.

Change happens while you practice new behaviors with someone you trust.  This is, in a sense, recreating the safe, trusting relationship you missed in your early years.  Below are seven ways a counselor and counseling relationship provides a snug, stable backdrop for your personal remodeling:

1.  Models a close relationship.  The relationship with your therapist should be one of the healthiest you have with clear boundaries, trust, kindness, and respect.  If you can’t be close and honest here, then why on earth would you spend time and money to go through such a challenging process anyway?

2.  Teaches how to mull over your true personality.  Knowing and stating how you fee, no matter how embarrassing, fearful, or angering is tough!  But pondering your private inner-life teaches how to recognize your feelings, and teaches self-expression and reflection.

3.  Provides “mothering” not received in childhood. Your therapist should accept you without judgment.  Providing unconditional nurturing and acceptance mirrors your redeming qualities, which builds self-esteem, self-confidence, and greater self-awareness – all things you may not have received unconditionally in childhood.

4.  Navigates unchartered waters with a little pressure. “Nudging” you forward and into new behaviors is ultimately what creates change – your therapist will do that (and if they don’t, find someone who will!).  Breaking old habits takes encouragement, guidance, love and a healthy dose of arm-twisting!

5.  Helps face unattractive details of your personality. Holding yourself accountable in strained friendships and other relationships is uncomfortable.  And in fact, it’s easier to find those who will gladly  jump on your “negative bandwagon” than it is to find someone who can be honest about your true behavior.  Your counselor helps you face the negative aspects of yourself that you’ve been avoiding.

6.  ”Shields” you from the outside world so you can practice new behaviors and emotions, in ways you weren’t comfortable doing before. Your counselor encourages you to discuss your feelings, perceptions, and fears – the ones you’ve felt comfortable showing before.

7.  Provides a “retreat” from the outside world where all feelings are accepted, and do not create barriers to self-expression. Change depends upon self-reflection.  Being able to openly state how you feel and what your opinions are is important.  Your counselor can be the person you bounce ideas off of.

Ok, so I admit – “nobody” is an extreme word and it’s unlikely that “nobody” likes you in the world.  But sometimes it can feel that way!  When friends, coworkers and spousal relationships are strained, you are to blame – at least in part.

Change is tough.  Even if you have a stroke of insight into your inner life, it doesn’t mean you’ll change your behavior because you feel too vulnerable and unsure.  The relationship you have with your counselor, coach, “A friends” and spouse – if they are healthy and secure – can help with your personality reconstruction.

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/blog

photo credit: T Hall

Like a deer in headlights.

That’s how Mom looked when I asked, simply, “How do you show your son love?”

There was a looooooong pause.  Blinking.  Total befuddlement.  I waited.  Waited.  Waited.  Then she said, “I’ve just been so angry at him lately.  He intentionlly does things that make me mad.  I can’t show him love right now.”

Excuse me?  You can’t do what?  Because your son is acting like a mad man, you can’t show him love?  (You know the kind of “mad man” behavior I’m talking about, right?  The kind that screams, “SHOW ME ATTENTION!!!”)

Ok, here’s the thing.  Kids are none of these things:  vindictive, out to get you, or purposely pissing you off.  And, as parents, we must, must, MUST separate the PERSON from the BEHAVIOR in our kids.  If we can love our kids without putting conditions on that love, the behavior won’t be NEAR as bad.  In fact, some of their craziness may stop altogether.

This story makes me angry.  Really angry.

My last post listed ways to raise a happy, healthy, and secure child.  One of the ways to know your child doesn’t fit into that category is if he consistenly acts like a 2-year old let loose in rain puddles!  His environment affects the his behavior in big ways.  I know I’ll tick off some parents who read this, but it’s a statement I’m willing to stand by and back up.

In a response to my earlier post, one commenter wrote, “I knew my dad loved me, but…”  Stop right there.

As an adult you can logically and rationally deduce that your father loved you because he did X, Y, and Z (fed you, clothed you, and worked hard for the family for example).  But as a child, you didn’t think that way.  Your daydreams  didn’t sound anything like the ponderings we have as adults.

Children don’t deduce the way you can now.  As a child, missing out on the nurturing, tenderness, and hugs may have sent the message that you weren’t lovable.

What if you didn’t receive those things as a child?  How would you know?

There are several clues that may tell you if you received the “your love didn’t come free” message as a child.  Check for these signs in your life:

• Frequent arguments in your marriage
• Yelling, fighting, and uncontrollable children
• Unstable job history and/or frequent unhappiness
• Chronic bouts of depression or anxiety
• Lack of supportive friendships
• Feeling out of control or wronged a lot of the time
• Chronic lack of self-esteem and self-confidence

If you find yourself stuck in adulthood feeling unhappy, unhealthy, and insecure, you might need to revisit your own inner child.  Your little guy (or little girl) is waiting to be loved.

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/blog