photo credit: StefZ

It’s no secret… the economy isn’t exactly booming.  And while I think we may have stabalized a bit, I am hearing many say their stress and anxiety levels are still on the rise!

I heard myself say on more than one occasion since the economy start floundering that I was secretly glad so many people were having to change their lifestyles.  The cat’s out of the bag now!  But here’s why I feel more positive when others are feeling the stress:  I see golden opportunities!

Whether you’re one who has lost your job or not, like many others you may have decided to tweak some things in your personal life just a bit.  And while I don’t advocate taking a “just in case” stance, I do think there are steps we can take that reap HUGE rewards in our personal lives during ANY economic climate.  Here are a few ideas:

1. Spend more time with family. Many claim to be in disparate need of life balance, eager to spend more time at home with family, but most don’t walk that talk.  When forced to act because of a lay off or downsize, some don’t know quite what to do with themselves.  I can’t think of one negative thing associated with some good, quality time with the family. Can you?
2. Find pleasure in small things. If you’ve decided to downsize, keeping a “wealth plan” (what others may call a “budget”) means getting creative so you won’t feel deprived.  Joy in small things can bring a renewed sense of spirit and energy!  Take your dog for an extra long walk.  Play games with your spouse and kids.  Air up the tires and go for a spin on your bike.  Watch a family movie that everyone enjoys.  Finding pleasure in small things can be very inexpensive, while providing incredible mental health rewards!
3. Eating in and being healthier. When I was growing up, eating out was considered a real treat!  It was only on special occasions like a birthday, graduation, or some other celebration that we saw the inside of a restaurant.  Today, my family eats out way more than I care to put in black and white!  In fact, most families I know eat out more than they should, which means we aren’t as healthy as we could be.  Eating in not only brings us closer to family (“a family that eats together, stays together”), but it helps our “bottom” line as well!
4. Picking up a new hobby. I mentioned that I crochet to a friend the other day, and was was met with a chuckle.  If you’re new to my blog, that fact may lead you to believe I’m eligible for a senior discount.  Nope!  I’m just someone who has found an extra hobby I enjoy!  Think of a new hobby you’d like to try like painting, knitting, bocce ball, horseshoes, gardening, web design, writing, or any number of things.  The sky’s the limit!
5. Working on personal development. What better time to work on your state of mind than now?   Mental health development is a lot like physical development:  when you begin a new exercise program, you aren’t going to notice much change.  But over time, you will begin to see the fruits of your labor.  You feel stronger, more self-confident, and more powerful!  So, while you’ve got more time on your hands, and whether you’re stressed and anxious or not, use this time to start a new journal, read a new self-help book, begin a new coaching program, or start your own support group.

There are many ways to stay connected, feel supported, and gain insight during good and bad economic times.  And if this is a time that propels you to do things differently in your life, bravo!

(Warning, shamless plug coming up!)  There are several ways I’m eager to help my clients during these times.  And, if you’ve thought about hiring a personal coach or counselor, but think you may not have the funds for it, think again.

There is no time like the present to work on bettering yourself. Here are a few things to consider:

• Join an upcoming support group to help you learn the basics of personal development and change.  Groups start at only $55/ month!
• Consider getting the support of a coach or counselor without ever stepping foot in an office.  Purchasing a “Change Retainer” package means you have a counselor at your email disposal throughout the month for only $85.
• Use your I Choose Change journal (free!), and weekly coffee with a good friend to help you make your own changes.  Just a little nudge from a counselor or coach to steer you in the right direction may be all you need.

Finding the positives in a negative economy isn’t incredibly easy, but it does test your willpower.  Make a list of ways you’d like to set your new course, then get started!

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The New Year provides a great opportunity to “Press the Reset Button on Your Life.”

Many resource guides out there (and there are quite exceptional ones, I might add!) purport to tell you exactly how to reflect back on your year and how to finally find the happiness you’ve been looking for.

January is a loaded month, full of anticipation and “musts” for many of us.  I’ve scoured some of my favorite blog posts from around the Web and found what I think to be the best advice for creating the exact life you want in 2012.

Certainly, it sounds so “New Year-ish” to post a “how to succeed at resolutions” at the beginning of the year. Give me a break, right?! But the reality is, many people do use the New Year as a time to start fresh. If you fit into this category, I’ve done some of the legwork for you here.

A New Year-ish How-To Guide

1. Choose your resolution. Seems simple, but if you’re looking for real change in the New Year, you’ll need these three steps to choosing a resolution.

I love this technique because it requires you to be very specific about which changes you’re working toward. Don’t be scared off by the word “change.” The world is always in flux. Whether you consciously dig your heels in or not, you’re in flux too. So it’s best to put yourself in the driver’s seat rather than sit back and just let life happen. True?

2. Start small. According to Jodi Womack, you must ask two important questions to be successful with a new endeavor: 1) What’s the simplest thing you could do?; and 2) What could you do today?

With any new change, we put too much pressure on ourselves to do something great at the get-go. That’s why I like these questions. Don’t compare your goals with others, and don’t judge yourself. Your goals are yours, no matter how big or small. Starting small, and starting today, gets you moving.

3. Hold yourself accountable. The truth is, no one will be as committed or care about your life goals as much as you. Sure, they might support you and will cheer you on. But let’s be honest. It’s human nature to focus on our own goals and ambitions first, then think of others AFTER we’re done thinking of ourselves. Therefore, hold yourself accountable.

I’m an avid twitter user, and a fellow follower stated that she was going to be self-employed. When I asked doing what, she said, “As long as I am helping people, it matters little WHAT I do. Right now I am only helping my employer.”  (I’ve intentionally left identifying information on this person – and if you’re reading, I’m sorry, I did just call you out! =)

Well, news flash! Self-employment isn’t going to just happen to this person! Why? She doesn’t really have a goal in mind. My statement back to her was: Of course you need to pick something specific to do, then DO IT!  Will she take the advice? We’ll see. Will you?

4. Take a step back from yourself. Ask the question, “Why would you get depressed about the way your life is when it really matters so little?” Seamus Anthony reminds us that our stint here on Planet Earth is small. Indeed, it is.

When you gain a sense of this universal perspective, you realize that, in the grand scheme of life, our small obstacles really don’t matter much. Sure, the term “small” is debatable. But that perspective is also your choice. Do you choose to make your obstacles small or big? The answer to that question could very well determine your levels of happiness and success.

5. Give yourself permission to reassess. I haven’t found this tip during my rereading of my favorite blogs, but I think it’s incredibly important: Give yourself permission to tweak and adjust your goal. No, it is NOT giving up. It’s NOT cheating. It’s merely reassessing the goal you’ve set for yourself and adjusting where necessary.

Eight years ago when I was training for a marathon, I suffered a knee injury that hurt in more ways than one. I felt as if I’d failed myself. However, it was simply time for a readjustment and reassessing. What were my end-result goals, and how else could I meet those goals?

6. Don’t be afraid to “just be.” I know, for many, January is an incredible time of “just doing,” so this step–to just be–requires a little faith. You CAN’T “just do” if you aren’t just being. Doing (something, anything) without any sense of the end result will spin you into a frenzy–to Nowheresville fast. You’ll be completely drained, and you’ll give up on any goal you create for yourself.

With so much information on the Internet about goal-setting, especially in the New Year, you’ll have ample resources at your fingertips to cause all kinds of confusion and chaos in the midst of change. All that “how to” information can be a real productivity drain.

My goal in this blog, on the other hand, is simplicity. No need to get yourself into a whirlwind over change! No need to pull your hair out thinking: what to change, how to change, when to start changing, and, of course, what to do when we have a misstep.

Hopefully, with my simple guide, I’ve distilled the very best information available, as well as provided you permission to reassess.

The great thing about each day, including the first of January, is that it provides us new opportunities to choose differently. We can choose in this moment. And now in this moment. And now in this moment …

With that, I want to hear from you: 

What is your best New Year’s resolution advice? What New Year’s resolutions will you make? What will be the most important part of your goal-setting in 2012?

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photo credit: visibleducts

Do you have tasks you want to accomplish or dreams you want to pursue, but seem to always have something standing in your way?

100% of all clients that step into my office come for one of only two reasons:

1. They’re doing something they don’t want to do (or want to do something they aren’t doing), and
2. They feel something they don’t want to feel, like anxiety, depression, loneliness, sadness, guilt, fatigue, or fear.

Anxiety is biggie.  That heart-racing, skin-sweating, heavy-breathing, I’m going to die feeling overtakes some people so fast, that the fear of having an anxiety attack can begin to be even more of a fear than the actual anxiety attack itself.

There are four types of destructive, anxiety-prone personalities listed in Luciani‘s book, Self-Coaching that are worth knowing:

• Worrywarts This is the what-iffing personality.  What if I lose my job?  What if my children don’t love me?  What if I have a wreck while I’m driving?  For the worrywart, losing control is at the forefront of their thoughts.
• Hedgehogs  This personality keeps people at arms length by spewing their general distaste about the world around them.  They can change on a dime from sweet and innocent to loathing, defensive, corrosive and bitter.  What this personality uses as a protective measure of the world around them is seen by others as negative, passive-aggressive, and generally unpleasant.  And, while the hedgehog is busy protecting itself with its porcupine needles, his personal life swirls down the toilet, leaving the hedgehog feeling even more depressed, anxious and untrusting.
• Turtles  Having the tendency to avoid confrontation, isolate, and struggle in social situations, this personality retreats from life when they begin to feel powerless in some aspect of their life.  You can recognize retreating turtle personalities in someone who overindulges in just about anything:  TV, drugs, sleeping, work, etc.
• Chameleons  This personality changes his behavior so as to manipulate the situation to make him more in control.  This type may be seen as the bully or someone who you deem as fake.  They utilize chameleon-like personality to change how others perceive them based on the situation.  In other words, they’re never the same person in any situation. 

All of these personality types create a life of anxiety and depression because the social and personal lives become lonely places.  They don’t keep friends easily.  When there is an intense need for control, yet feelings of powerlessness, they lash out at loved ones and keep at an arms length from them.  Left feeling empty, alone, lonely, isolated, and unloved, feelings of depression and anxiety takeover.

The anxious person acts out as a means to control their environment trying to decrease their anxiety.  But this only works to INCREASE anxiety, and sabotage personal relationships in the process.

When we can finally identify what we feel, as well as the actions we take to act out that feeling, the next step is to simply use the TEA Formula to start changing.  That is, get down to the nitty-gritty of what’s driving those unwanted emotions and actions.  Here’s how:

Step 1:  Ask yourself: What am I doing that is destructive?   Overindulging in food, sleep, sex, gambling, or TV?  Isolating myself, fighting with my spouse, yelling at my kids, and working too much, are a few examples.

Step 2:  Ask yourself: How am I feeling?  Usually summed up in one word:  lonely, sad, alone, guilty, depressed, anxious, ugly, anger, etc.

Step 3:  Ask yourself: What is the immediate thought, perception, judgment or opinion that preceded this feeling?  This is easily answered by knowing what your reaction is to something in your environment.  I don’t like how my husband talked to me, and it makes me feel angry.  My boss nit-picks my work and it makes me feel disrespected.  I have no time to myself because of all the roles I play during the day, and that makes me feel depressed.

– Side note about it makes me feel:  Remember, your thoughts are what make you feel what you feel, not the outside world.   But we often say this statement without being conscious.   Notice when you say this though, because you can identify what you feel pretty quickly. 

– The thoughts that immediately precede the feeling in the above statements are, I don’t like how my husband talked to me, My boss nit-picks my work, I have no time to myself.  Those statements, your thoughts and perceptions about OTHER THINGS that are out of your control,  are what create your emotions.  Now, your task is to simply change your perception, or thought, about that preceding event.

When you can get to your root thought sometimes that means becoming aware of your subconscious thought (making the subconscious, conscious).  Then you simply ask yourself: Is this a thought that is serving me well?

If you are feeling something you don’t want to feel or doing something you don’t want to do, like anxiety, then you can rest assured, the thought that got you to those feelings and actions could be tweaked a bit so you get a different feeling and action.

photo credit: Fiona MacGinty

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photo credit: zen

In my most recent article, I wrote about the “Acceptance Paradox” providing the sample case of Jon and Kate from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8.  (I won’t be upset if you clicked away.)  I feel the need to drive home this concept a bit more, and I think you’ll find value too, so stick with me!

This topic was first introducted to me in David Burn’s book “Feeling Good Together.” Although called by a different name, the concept is the same: Instead of putting up a defense against your own or other’s criticisms and complaints of you, you find some truth in the statements and accept them.

Common tools used to combat negative emotions; such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety, assume the preceding negative thoughts are illogical so you should talk back to them.  (For example: “No, I’m not worthless.  I am successful, happy, and my life is just as it should be.)  This is a “talk to the hand” technique, making it acceptable to refute all bad thoughts and criticisms from others.  It’s a self-protection technique – a defense to your psyche and, some could say, denial. I would also agree that, in some cases, this self-protection is needed.

However, the Acceptance Paradox is about taking responsibility.  It is about asking these questions and making these assertions:

• “Is there some truth in the criticism?
• “What can I learn from it?”
• “Can I accept the fact that my performance was not up to par?”
• “I have many deficiencies.  I am a human being and I am quite flawed.”

“Ten Days to Self-Esteem” uses this technique beautifully.  At the root of all anxieties, depression, fear, anger and guilt lies some degree of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.  Using the Accpetance Paradox, in my view, is a powerful step in self-acceptance and is crucial to personal developement and growth.

Within your own relationships – friendships, marriage, business, and otherwise – how can this technique help you grow?  How can you become a better friend, spouse, and employee by accepting the truth of your behaviors?   And, doesn’t it feel powerful to take a step back, and examine yourself in a full length mirror?  What you know about yourself consciously, you can change – that is power.

In the case of Kate (from my previous article), it is painful to hear her say “I don’t know” when asked the question of what she could have changed in her marriage.  But it’s a lesson we can all learn.

“I don’t know” is a cop-out. It is a barrier between reality and the unknown.  If the assumption is “yes, I do know, let me figure it out…” then take a step back, examine, and identify reality.  And if you don’t like reality, change it.  This is the Acceptance Paradox.

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photo credit: victoriapeckham

I have a confession to make.  But before I reveal my secret in full, which will surely prompt you to click away from this article altogether, I’ll give a snippet of my revelation meant only as a way to entice you to keep reading (I admit).

Reality TV (stay with me) is a psychotherapists DREAM.  Riveted by the personalities that are thrown together for the sake of a good storyline, I turn into “analyze” mode instantaneously. Think “evangelical mom meets pagan dad” in Wife Swap.  Or, “bachelor seeks wife in 8 weeks by eliminating 25 bachelorettes one by one” in The Bachelor.  And a personal fave, “pregnancy concierge seeks to get parents wanting to have their baby, which arrives in just 4 weeks” in Pregnant in Heels.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know why these are such popular shows: the conflicts and confrontations alone have people clamoring to see whats going to happen next!  I engage in my own eye-rolling, heavy sighs, and advice throwing, wishing they could hear me through the television screen!

Yes, I love reality television.  But my big confession has me a bit embarrassed and ashamed.  Among my reality show favorites (sadly, no longer with us) is “Kate Plus 8.”  DON’T CLICK AWAY!

At first I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with this show.  Having twins of my own, the thought of giving birth to six more sent me into almost hysterics.  (If you don’t know the premise of the show, here’s a quick synopsis: Jon and Kate have twins.  Five years later, they have sextuplets.  Then, John and Kate get divorced, making the show just “Kate Plus 8″.  A camera now lives with the family and her house full of kids, filming their every move.)

Their life in and of itself is of no interest to me.  As I said, I do good to keep my own home in line: “Terry & Jen Plus 3.”  We have enough drama of our own.

I tuned in mostly because of the announcement that these two parents were getting divorced. (I know, sick.)  There were rumors of affairs, and of the parents abandoning their kids to run off for full weeks with their lovers – all the great aspects of a reality show I DREAM of analyzing till my own head is shrinking.

What I quickly came to understand about this couple is something many people no doubt see who aren’t even therapists:  These two can’t see the forest for the trees!  But even more sad this is a common state seen on a weekly basis in my private consultation office.

There are moments when I have an individual or a couple in front of me, and I have to stop myself from blurting out, “DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT YOU SAID?” And, as some of my clients could attest, I HAVE said it, in fact!  I’ve even gone as far as videotaping my couples, sending them home with the assignment to examine their own behaviors and words in conversation.

It Takes Two

Being the voyeur I am (in the midst of adversity, sadness and chaos, I admit), I had to watch Kate’s previous interview on the “Today” show immediately following their divorce announcement.  If I’d had the producer’s number handy, I would have dialed straight away BEGGING to have just 3 hours alone with these two.  The conversation went something like this:

Meredith (News Anchor):Being that marriage and divorce is a two way street, what role do you think you played, if any?

Kate:Nobody’s perfect.  Obviously it takes two, but I don’t know.  What would I change?  I don’t know to be honest.

(It doesn’t SEEM like you think it’s obvious, Kate.)

This is the problem, friends.And wasn’t just a problem with Jon and Kate, but for goodness sake I do wish they could figure it out so millions could all learn from it!

Yes, I know what you could be saying: Sometimes it just CAN’T be worked out.  TRUE! I will agree with that.  But an epidemic among deteriorating couples is the failure to realize that problems, no matter how big or small, are the cause of BOTH people in a relationship.  Two people have to change in this marriage.

Marital therapy is about working on yourself individually so that you can join your spouse as a whole, healthy person.  With even one person in the relationship unable to take a look at herself in a full-length mirror to examine their own faults, puts the marriage at risk for difficulty, if not divorce.

Nevermind my sickening obsession with reality TV and what draws me to it (that’s for another post).  The point is here is this: Any conflict in ANY relationship- spouse, partner, friend, boss, children – has two parties to blame.Being able to take personal responsibility for your part is incredibly important.

Acceptance Paradox

There’s a concept I teach as a Counselor called “Acceptance Paradox” which says essentially, instead of defending yourself against someone you feel has wronged you, accept the truth in the criticism, admit your wrongs, and accept them.

It’s in our nature to want to defend ourselves when we are told we are to “blame” in a situation.But there is no blame here- only personal responsibility.  Personal responsibility means simply, accepting the “grain of truth” in the criticism and in the failings of the relationship.

For Jon and Kate Gosselin of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” personal responsibility would mean accepting the truth of what caused the breakup of the union.  It means coming to terms with the fact that there are things each of them could have done to change the course of this relationship.  Had this happened early on perhaps they wouldn’t have divorced.  Who knows.

Unfortunately, Jon and Kate are examples to many of us, and their kids will be examples of what it’s like to come from a broken home.  Through their weekly shows, there no doubt were signs of failure.  Was Kate listening when Jon told him how he felt and what he needed?  Did Jon accept his own responsibility when Kate complained to Jon?  Clearly, neither of them did this (not enough to save the marriage).

Our job throughout our own lives is to take responsibility for our own failings in our relationships.  It’s then and only then that we become healthy, happy individuals, capable of having a healthy, happy relationships, including marriage.

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Mindful meditation is the art of bringing peace of mind even while we live in a world of chaos.  When a client said recently, “I’m just trying to be more mindful. Most people don’t even know what that is,” I knew he was right.  Simply put, mindfulness is this:   To think about what you’re thinking about.

There are many reasons to meditate and even if you only vaguely know what those reasons are, you may still be drawn to the practice simply because you’ve heard it can bring you more peace.  This is a simple, yet detailed guide that will make meditation an easy practice to add into your daily life.

How To Meditate

1. Find a comfortable place and position.

You can lie on your bed, sofa, or floor. Sit in your easy-chair, or cross-legged on the floor if that does it for you.

Me? I have two comfortable positions: 1) lying on my sofa (most likely in my office between clients); and 2) sitting on the floor with my legs crossed and a rolled-up blanket or pillow under my tailbone.

You might ask, “Why THAT crazy pose?” 

Now we get back to explaining that traditional image of the meditating person sitting cross-legged.  This specific pose tends to create a clean, clear stream of breathing straight from the diaphragm out your airway.

I add the towel or pillow under my tailbone because it lifts my spine off the floor just slightly, making it very hard to slouch. It’s a very comfortable position so try it!

Whatever comfortable place and position you pick, be sure they aren’t so comfortable they’re going to make you fall asleep. Sure, asleep, your mind will be quiet. But you’ll be so unconscious you won’t be thinking about what you’re thinking, and you won’t be able to set an even higher intention.

2. Start breathing.

To make it easy, count to 10 as you inhale and then count to 10 as you exhale. If you can’t make it to 10, try 7. What’s important is not so much the number as that your ENTIRE breath LAST for the entire count. If you don’t make it, you’ll hyperventilate and create anxiety for yourself because you’ll be holding your breath just trying to make it to 10. Don’t do that!

Your counting to 10 is for two reasons–and 2 reasons ONLY: 1) So you actually take deeeeep, looooooong breaths; and 2) so you focus on breathing and NOT on your dog barking, the argument you just had with your husband, or any other extraneous rigmarole. 

Some patients have told me they simply can’t count to 10 (or 7) because they can’t let their breath last that long and instead it just works them into a small frenzy. If this sounds familiar and you can’t count to a certain number, then don’t. Know that your breath is meant to do the two things mentioned above and, if it does, then you’re on track.

3. Keep breathing.

Let me set the record straight for all you beginners. You might have heard that meditation will deliver all the answers to life’s questions and conjure wonderful, magical thing. It’s not going to happen! Not on your first try anyway. Probably not your second, third, or fourth try either.

Meditation takes practice. Quieting your mind is NOT easy. 

So, for now, just breathe. Don’t worry yourself about deeper meanings and better health and doing it right and all that jazz. Breathe for 10 minutes using the steps above, then stop (not breathing, meditating!). Do it again the next day and the next day after that–for five days straight. Next, up it to 15 minutes for another five days, then 20 minutes for the five days after that.

If you can breathe consistently and slow down your mind more than ever before for 20 whole minutes, you’re ready to move to the next step. 

(By the way, what’s the best way to keep track of your time? Here’s a tip–set a timer. You don’t want your counting interrupted by the thought, “I wonder how long it’s been?”)

4. Think about what you’re thinking.

Yes, meditation is meant to quiet the mind. So it might seem a bit strange that I’m asking you to think about what you’re thinking. 

But if you’re able to slow yourself down enough so you can actually hear your own thoughts, I want you to do something that seems a bit strange, and will definitely feel strange.

I want you to step outside of yourself. While quiet, breathing, and calm, stand in front of yourself and watch yourself breathing. Imagine yourself calm, relaxed, and breathing easy. Then take a look inside your mind. See what’s going on there.

The first time you do this, you might hear yourself thinking, “This is really strange … am I even doing this right?” 

Or perhaps “I can’t see myself. This crap doesn’t work!” 

Still, keep at it. Remember, YOU are in control here. Your job is to take back your power. You really CAN see from the outside what you’re doing and hear what you’re thinking when you’ve quieted your mind enough to do so. 

But here’s the catch. I don’t want you to analyze, process, talk about (with yourself, that is), or do any ruminating WHATSOEVER about what you see and hear. I only want you to hear what you’re thinking. And then hear your next thought, the one after that. Hear yourself thinking, “Oh, there’s another thought … and, oh, there’s another one!” 

No judgment, just thought. (Trust me, you CAN do this … with some practice!) 

5. Set an intention.

Once you’ve mastered the above steps, you’re now ready to take CHARGE of your meditation. At this point, you’ll be able to quiet yourself in a snap–it will take a mere matter of a couple minutes–and then stay quiet for a good amount of time. 

By now, you’ll meditate for 30 minutes easy. You’ll be LOVING how rested, relaxed, and calm you feel after your breathing sessions. (You’re a regular now–yeah!)

When you’ve reached this level, this next step is to set an intention for your subconscious mind. Ohhhhh … exciting! But why?

Your subconscious thoughts take up 85% to 90% of the 60,000 total thoughts you have each day. By quieting your mind, the ultimate goal is to bring these subconscious thoughts to the surface–to get at what the heck you’re really thinking about most of the time so you can change it. 

Here’s an example: Let’s say you have a big decision to make, such as whether or not to take a new job that requires that you move your entire family to another city. It’s a big opportunity, but the decision doesn’t seem cut and dry in your conscious mind. You’re torn. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, your subconsious mind is working hard. It’s aware of your beliefs, emotions, and past memories–all of which could be keeping you stuck in uncertainty. 

photo credit: Steve Rhodes @ flickr

Your subconscious thoughts could be activating the “I’m really freaking scared of change because every time I do something like this, I start fighting with my spouse more, I can’t meet friends as quickly as I’d like, and my kids seem to go haywire!” cycle of uncertainty.

Your conscious mind may not be able to pinpoint this, but your subconscious belief system has it SPOT ON! 

In this example scenario, your intention for meditation might seem to be to answer the question: “What is the best work scenario for me? I’m stuck between my current job and new job, and I need a clear-cut answer.” 

But let’s be honest. I’ll be the first to admit that answers DON’T always come during meditation, and, when they do, they certainly don’t always come very clearly. Like a flashing neon sign in your brain that says, “TAKE THE NEW JOB!”

But ask anyone–ANYONE–who meditates regularly with intentions, and they’ll tell you that something miraculous happens during their meditations that helps them be more clear-headed. They realize answers that they didn’t have before setting a very clear intention for their meditation, quieting their mind, and thinking about their thoughts. 

6. Don’t put pressure on yourself.

I could have stopped this simple guide at No. 5, but I felt it’s important to add in this last step. Meditation can work wonders for your health and wellness. But put pressure on yourself to “perform” during meditation, and you will miss out completely on the powerful benefits of this practice. 

Many times, I find I don’t have an intention for my meditation. My life seems to be move along, quite nicely thank you, and I have no big dilemmas to work through. Well, whoop-de-do, right? 

My point is, the idea here is to induce a calm, relaxed, and stress-free environment for yourself.

Remember, this is YOUR practice! It never matters how someone else meditates. It doesn’t matter what other guides about meditation have said.

Your Meditation Practice

Put simply, it DOES NOT MATTER how YOU meditate if how you meditate works, feels right, and creates a space for quiet and calm.

I merely hope this guide encourages you to start meditating. Simply start. Do it once and know that, right away, you’re not going to be able to “just breathe.” You won’t be able to create gaps between your thoughts. And you definitely won’t be able to have any “a-ha” moments. 

But in time (a SHORT time, actually!), you will become a meditation expert!

Your Choice, Your Voice Discussion:

1. What is imperative for you: the past, the present or your future and why is it so ?

2. Does sitting idle in a place, doing nothing and just breathing in and out actually help and benefit a person and how?

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A client said to me, “I’m just trying to be more mindful. Most people don’t even know what that is.”

You know what? I think he’s right. If I had to sum up mindfulness in one sentence, it would be: To think about what you’re thinking about.

The purpose of mindful meditation is to become aware of the present moment without any pressure to do, think, or be anything other than what you are doing, thinking, or being at that very moment. 

No need to worry about the past because it has already happened. No need to contemplate the future because it hasn’t yet happened. Just bring awareness to this very moment, as it is, without any judgment, because our present moment is always changing. 

Sri Swami Venkatesananda suggests that you can ruin the practice of meditation by stating the benefits of meditation, because you introduce a goal into something meant to be goal-less. 

He says, “The moment you introduce a goal to meditation, it is gone. Happiness in life comes not by manipulating what you want to achieve but by paying attention to something seemingly totally unconnected with it.” 

I would agree. However, I might be getting way of head for those of you who are already scratching your head and wondering, “I don’t even know what this meditation thing is and why it’s important to do, let alone how to ruin it!” 

For those of you out there, here are the first steps, the essential how-tos, the building blocks to success. Your simple guide. 

In this one article here, I will not only list reasons to meditate, but make the practice of meditation easy. 

The List of Reasons Why You Should Meditate

1. Heal your mind and your body. Because your body and your mind are intimately connected, it’s important to know how your thoughts, beliefs, and emotions affect the physical well-being of your body. Prolonged stress without relief, for example, can cause headaches, upset stomach, high blood pressure, heart problems, and high cholesterol and can contribute to depression and anxiety symptoms. Want more on this connection? Read WebMD’s article on the stress’ effects. 

2. Escape the noise. Our lives are filled with noise. All three kinds of noise:

• Physical noise like people’s talking, music, television, or anything externally that distracts your immediate train of thought.
• Psychological noise of your judgments, thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, and internal biases you bring to every conversation or situation.
• Physiological noise like a headache, stomachache, or other bodily functions that may disrupt your current train of thought.

Meditation is a practice to free you from all three. It helps you create a quiet space for yourself where you put your judgments, stereotypes, and biases aside and distance your mind from any physical symptoms you may feel at the present moment.

3. Improve mood and immune function. Research suggests mindfulness meditation helps with a whole host of conditions. For instance, mindful meditation seems to help ease the symptoms of anxiety, and practitioners in one study had a better immune response to the flu vaccine than those who did not meditate. 

Another study found that cancer patients who did mindfulness meditation for seven weeks had 31% lower stress symptoms and 67% less mood disturbance than those who did not meditate. 

The National Institute of Health’s Center of Complimentary and Alternative Medicine has done research on the effects of meditation on various ailments, including eating disorders, rheumatoid arthritis, heart disease, HIV, depression, and lower back pain. Results in all these studies looked good.

The Purpose of Meditation 

Meditation doesn’t have to be involve you sitting Indian-style wearing a robe (though there is a reason this image is part of the tradition–which I’ll touch upon in Part 2).

Really, to get started, all you need is the intention to quiet your mind.

Why quiet your mind? That noise we talked about before, remember? 

Also, by quieting your mind, you are then able to actually HEAR yourself THINK. 

If you’ve followed all my posts here, you’ll know that I wholeheartedly believe in the power of your thoughts. They control your every emotion and action. So you better know what you’re thinking! 

I tell my clients–and now I’m telling you: You need to think about what you’re thinking about. It’s a very important aspect of change. But it’s not easy to do unless you quiet your mind.

OK, OK, you get it. But after all this talk about quieting your mind, how do you do it?  Stay tuned!  If your taste buds have been tempted, you won’t want to miss Part 2 of Meditation Made Easy!

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photo credit: Smabs Sputzer

The media these days has sure created a whole lot of hype about “mindset”.   So I’m officially giving my two cents of what mindset development is, and how you can actually change it. You can because there really is a psychology to mindset. Wouldn’t you like to know what it is?

Just do a search in your favorite Web browser for the word “Mindset.” You’ll get thousands of searches, but you’ll also be hard-pressed to find one source online that understands how mindset works. Some might, sure. But with so many gurus and experts claiming to be able to help you evolve just by changing one (not so) teeny thing, wouldn’t it be useful to know the truth?   That is, the truth about the psychology BEHIND the curtain of mindset.

I think so too! So here it is. Mindset is really just about mind-shift. It’s about the way you see the world. Think of mindset as the pair of lenses you choose to look through at the world. You can wear rosy or gray.

The truth is, your consistent thoughts only add to the positive, or negative, outlook of your life. This is what they mean by “self-fulfilling prophecy.”  Those media gurus and I agree that you must change your mindset to have the happiness you want.    

But it is NOT ENOUGH for me to tell you to simply “change your mindset” and wait for the magic happen.

That’s like me saying, “I’ll drop a little fairy dust on your head, and your mind will instantly be cleared of all the goo.” Sorry, mindset change doesn’t work that way. No wonder so many frustrated humans are scurrying about in our society, looking for the NEXT guru that can answer, “How can you make me happy?”

Wait no more. I can answer that question. The truth about mindset change is that it’s so easy, you might wonder if fairy dust is involved. And you might wonder why you spent thousands of hours paying someone to help you be happy when I’m giving it to you for free. (You’re welcome!) 

I’m going to describe something I call the “Mind Tree.” Draw this out on a piece of paper as I explain it so it makes more sense. 

The trunk of your tree is a simple formula: thoughts create emotions; emotions create actions. Then two main branches spawn from thoughts: conscious and subconscious. Those are the two types of thoughts–the first you can easily tap into and are aware of and the second you can’t easily access. These subconscious thoughts lurk in the background of your mind. 

Your habitual thoughts are your mindset. These are the thoughts you have to change if you want to change your mindset. But here’s the kicker: Your conscious thoughts make up only about 15% of your total thoughts, maybe less! Your subconscious thoughts make up the other 85%. Draw this on your mindset tree. Let it sink in. That means in order to change your mindset, you have to tap into those thoughts you don’t even know you’re thinking. Bad news, right? 

Well, not so fast. You can change your subconscious programming. There are so many ways, and that’s where a GOOD guru comes in! From my pre-frontal cortex to yours (that’s where your conscious thoughts are stored), here are just a few to get you started:

1. Identify which subconscious thoughts are no longer serving you well. They may sound something like this: “I am never good enough. Money doesn’t grow on trees and doesn’t come easy. Hard work is the only work that pays, etc.” You can see how just one subconscious thought can create a whole heap of trouble, can’t you? 

2. Choose to change.  Oh, yes, you know I had to say it. CHOOSE to change! The reality is, most people figure out what subconscious thoughts are actually holding them back but then won’t do anything about it. Making the decision to take action is a very big step. And it’s vital. 

(The reasons for not taking action are a whole therapy session in itself, so we’ll save that for another time!)

3. Implement tools. Create new habitual thoughts, affirm what is truth, post sticky notes all over your house and in your car, use EFT, journal ad nauseum, use a “change buddy” for motivation, have lucid dreams, talk about your change efforts until you are sick, and keep moving in THAT direction, not the OTHER direction.

You have so many ways to change your negative subconscious programming. One popular phrase is “Just Do It!” But what happens when “Just Do It” doesn’t work? 

No, it’s not a matter of willpower or strength. And it’s not an issue of character. It’s about stick-to-itiveness, practice, and consistent follow-through. 

Yes, there is a psychology to mindset. Can you call it a day just by knowing that? No, but once you face those negative subconscious thoughts, you can shout from the rooftop “JOB DONE!”

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photo credit: roland

It’s only fitting that in this week of Thanksgiving, we talk about giving thanks and having gratitude. While some may view this week as chaotic, stressful, and anxious-ridden with extended family, I hope you will have a different perspective.

Giving thanks really means being thankful for the gifts you have in your life.  If you don’t already view the things in your life as a gift, try shifting your focus from what you DON’T have to focus on what you DO have.  Let me explain…

Even mounting bills are things to be thankful for, because the vendors behind those bills have provided a lifestyle for you that you wouldn’t have otherwise have had. You have electricity, water, and a garbage that comes like clockwork to take your garbage away.   That credit card with a high balance?  Look around your house.  The furniture your sitting on, the fence you put up in your backyard, even the clothes you’re wearing right this minute might have been purchased on credit.  Be thankful for the wonderful things you can enjoy!

Your car payment?  Be thankful you have a car!  The hospital bills?  Be thankful you had great hospital care.

Our bills are a true gift – this idea is a true shift in focus.  And, shifting focus in the midst of chaos, and when your life is feeling particularly stressful, is BOLD.

As soon as you start feeling grateful and happy about the things you have, you will start to attract and have more blessings in your life.  Everybody goes through things they don’t like and times that are hard, but it is those who remain grateful and thankful for what they DO have, who have true joy, peace, and abundance in their lives.  Start to see EVERYTHING as the gift that it is.

True Graciousness

There is a distinction to be made between happiness and gratitude.  They are not the same, although we sometimes use them interchangeably.  To be grateful means giving thanks for something that’s been given as a gift.  It can be a person in our life that was giving, or nature, or God.

It was such a surprise to me this time last year as I pulled up to the window of Starbucks for my traditional “Non-fat, Peppermint, No-whip Caffe Mocha” (I recommend the drink wholeheartedly!), the car in front of me had paid for my drink!  I tried to get a glimpse of them, but I didn’t catch them in time and they sped away.  The person working in the window said, “They told me to tell you Happy Holidays!” It was such a treat.  I felt grateful for the gift of not only the drink, but the thoughtfulness of a complete stranger!

Contrary to feeling grateful, happiness would be something one just feels good about.  You can be happy that it’s sunny outside, or grateful that the sunshine has been provided (the gift of sunshine!).  You can be happy to have an extra $100 in the bank, but grateful that the extra money has been given as a gift.  You get the point.

Having gratitude means being content.  Being thankful and grateful leads to more contentment.  Conversely, continually wanting more and more external things leads to the feeling of emptiness and unhappiness.  It is human to want more, but that does not keep you from growing and evolving; it’s easy to get trapped by the feeling of not having enough in your life.  To be content, get out of the rut of wanting more, more, more, and just experience that right now, in this moment, you are satisfied and content. Â

Research shows that “daily gratitude exercises resulted in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determinism, optimism, and energy.” According to Michael McCullough of Southern Methodist University, “Anyone can increase their sense of well-being and create positive social effects just by counting their blessings.”

So for this week, give thanks, have gratitude, and experience the overwhelming abundance, peace, and joy pouring into your life.

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