Do this…no don’t do that….for goodness sake NEVER do that! You should do this. Be absolutely sure you always do that…

Being a parent is not for the faint-hearted. How do you decide whose advice to take…your parents, your friends, your church, TV, internet, your own little voice? One of the major decisions facing millions of parents every day is the “to daycare or not to daycare” conundrum.  For most it’s a necessity, a necessary evil. Others use it as a break from the henpecking from their precious bundles. However it’s used, all options should be considered. It’s not about being “right” or better than your neighbor, it’s about being informed about your choices and choosing the best one for your family.

According to a recent report by the National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies (NACCRRA), 63 percent of the nation’s children under five years of age are in some type of child-care arrangement every week;  most parents assume such programs are regulated to ensure the health and safety of their children.  In reality, that is often not the case.

You know the horror stories. And to top it off, just 10 states require unannounced inspections of child-care centers; only 12 states require caregivers working in child-care centers to have training in early childhood education prior to working with children; and a mere 10 states require caregivers who work from their homes to be licensed.

And, while 63% of children under five are in childcare, let’s not forget how critical the first five years of life are – 90 percent of brain development occurs during those years. “Forty-six percent of kindergarten teachers report that at least half of their students are not prepared to learn,” Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT).

Don’t get me wrong. There are good daycares out there, whether commercial or run out of a home. For example, a Parents.com report indicates that children in high quality child care have better social, math, and language skills, as well as fewer behavior problems. Moreover, several long-term studies have shown that kids in high-quality early childhood programs are significantly less likely to drop out of school, repeat grades, need special education, or commit crimes. In fact, a recent study by the Committee for Economic Development (CED) revealed that for every dollar invested in such programs, taxpayers receive a net benefit of $2 to $4, a significant boost to the long-term economic growth of the country.

Do your research and do the math…perhaps it’s costing you more to put your child in daycare.  I know, at one point, the daycare expenses exceeded my mortgage each month.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Easy for you to say! I have to work, I’m a single parent..what am I supposed to do?” You do what you need to do. If an outside daycare is the answer, that’s fine, but just do the balancing of pros and cons…can you go back to work later in your child’s development (is 6 weeks really enough time for your baby to get attached and bonded?), can you scale back work, can you change hours, can you enlist family members or close friends, can you cut back on expenses so maybe doing with less enables you to stay at home, or can you get involved and vote for the policy makers that make your child’s education and social development a high priority?

Can you work with your selected daycare on getting the message out that kids matter! Because after all, they will run the country some day, so perhaps putting in that extra effort up front, which pays out in spades, is worth it.

At the finish line you won’t look back and say, “I was right or she was wrong”…you’ll be too busy watching your children thrive in their best environment, because you’ll be empowered with the research, the pros and cons and the fact that you made the best decision possible.

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One of my favorite websites is one called Zero to Three. It’s a website dedicated purely to the research and development of children from conception through the age of three years.

My first inclination that I wanted to be in the helping profession was in Middle School. I grew up in a small town in West Texas that had basically only two groups of people: popular and not popular.   I suppose a third group would be those teetering between those two – some days your “in” and some days you’re very “out”. I was that person. I teetered.

The problem with teetering though, is that all people want to belong somewhere. It’s human nature to want to be part of a group. To have comradere.  To have people looking out for you and being your support system. Growing up, I’m not sure I felt like I had that. I lived in an “unsure” world.

My middle school experience I had was inherited from my early childhood development. How I learned to trust, be independent, and take up for myself against bullies was part of my foundational learned style. Couple that learned development with my personality trait of being very emotional and it led to some ill-equipped coping skills at a young age.

Understanding what is developmentally appropriate at any age is essential to parenting.  In later years, it’s essential to change.

We all want to know why we do some of the crazy stuff we do.  And, in order to know, we must look back in time at those early years.  Robert Karen wrote a great book on the topic of relationships.  He says, and others said before him, that early relationships shape our capacity to love.

Let’s think about this… ALL early relationships shape how we enter into any relationship – friendship, spousal, work – in the future.  That’s huge!

We’re born with a temperament style (cranky, happy-go-lucky, easy).  Environment acts on that temperament, adding to what we’re born with and creating layers upon layers of learned behavior.

It’s important that early caregivers understand their baby and child’s temperament because this dramatically affects parenting style.  We’ve all heard parents who say, “I parenting my children exactly the same, so I don’t know why Jason ended up so different and in trouble all the time!”  Well, that’s why.  Jason isn’t like Jill.  They must be parented differently.

As we move through life and have difficulties in certain areas, we have to take a look back in time and ask ourselves where we got stuck.  What did we learn about ourselves and the world around us, even if by accident?

A good friend tells the story set on a hot summer day in South Texas, a small house with had no air conditioning (think 110 degrees!).  She recalls lying her her head in her mother’s lap, resting there a minute and feeling so warm, snug, and secure.  But within a few seconds her mother said, “You’re making me hot!” and made her move.

As an adult, we can understand this scenario, right?  Extremely hot, child in lap, mom MERELY saying she’s hot.  But as a child, what she took away from this transaction was, “I don’t want to be close to you!”  One small translation, with no follow-up from Mom (this is key), and a message looms 20 years later:  ”You’re a burden.”

This may all sound simplistic on the surface, sure.  But digging deeper helps us realize WHY we inherit our learned messages.  And when we understand those, we can begin to unravel and relearn.

What is your first childhood memory?  What experiences do you feel shaped you most?  Do those core messages haunt you?  Let’s talk about it in the “comment” section below…

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Remember this video from the 70s with the lady exclaiming, “Calgon, take me away!”?

Oh, the times I’ve uttered those words… At the end of a long day (or even at the beginning and middle of the day!), I’ve wanted to be whisked away into neverland, trading my chaos in for some peace and quiet.

(Warning:  Shameless Plug!)  On October 24, we’ll be sweetening the pot a little bit by taking you away from the frustrations of parenting.  Oh, I know, I know… a “worskhop” means work.  But not this one!  We’ll be feeding you, introducing you to other parents just like you, and sending you away with your very own “parent toolkit.”

If you or someone you know is in the North Texas area, this event is a MUST ATTEND.  Please pass this blog post along to someone you know needs or wants to attend.  And if that’s you, register now because spaces are already filling up!

Top 10 Reasons Parents Should Attend “Calgon, Take Me Away!”

1. Learn the importance of discipline and age-approprate consequences
2. Discover your personal parenting style and how that style either helps or hurts your parenting process
3. Understand how difference parenting style affects co-parenting
4. Know how to tailor communication by listening more and talking less (and to connect with your child!)
5. Learn how parenting suffers when you don’t take care of yourself, and get strategies for self-care
6. Understand the importance of your child’s social network, and how to help foster appropriate relationships
7. Know how to give the appropriate amount of privileges versus consequences
8. Learn how to better handle responsibilities like school and social outings
9. Eat free food, mingle with other parents, and receive your very own “Parent Toolkit”
10. Pay only $10!

All of these, plus food.  Plus the time away. Plus a new outlook on parenting life as they know it.

Don’t forget the ear of 4 seasoned counselors and life coaches, optional Q&A, and mingling with other parents can you trade stories (this helps us feel normal!).

In fact, it’s all of those! I Choose Change Counseling and Coaching Center will host a 2-hour seminar on Saturday, October 24 at the Allen Public Library for frazzled parents everywhere. And, we make no bones about it… we intend to whisk you away for at least 2 hours, feed you, and send you away with a “Parent Toolkit,” all aimed at giving you new skills, tips, and tricks for dealing with the frustrations of parenting.

Parents with school-aged children will enjoy a parent seminar, the ear of 3 Licensed Counselors on-hand for Q&A, and yes, food. Parents will also be armed and ready with their interactive “Parent Toolkit” at the end of this 2-hour seminar.

Space is limited. The cost is only $10 in advance. Visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register today!

When: Saturday, October 24, 2009, 10:30am-12:00pm

Where: Allen Public Library, 300 N. Allen Drive, Allen, Texas 75002

How: Call 214-547-1318 or visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register

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photo credit: Pandiyan

Editor’s note:  I originally posted this in October 2008.  Now, one year later, I’m revisiting authenticity.  Enjoy!

I have found it – the definition of authenticity! Sure, there are plenty of Toms, Dicks, and Harrys out there who claim to know all about “authentic” life styles. They say, “Listen to me. I can guide you to happiness!” Then they charge you an arm and a leg. But I think I have found the real definition of authenticity. Here it is, for free I might add. (You’re welcome!)

It comes by way of Brian Goldman, a graduate student at the University of Georgia in Athens. He was digging through centuries-old research and philosophy when he uncovered what I think is a pretty great definition:

“The unimpeded operations of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

Ohhh … pretty! How simple and sweet is that, huh?

I agree completely with it too, which you probably already knew because I’ve been using the same definition of authenticity for quite sometime now.

Another one of my favorites is Neil Lark Warren’s 10 Characteristics in Finding Contentment. I’ve also recently been struck by so-called physical acts of authenticity, which the authors outlined in a newer issue of Psychology Today.

These physical acts of authenticity are:

1. Meditate. Think of it only as a way to get to your “happy place,” not a technique to influence outside forces. For instance, why do you work? To earn money to buy pretty things. Why do you meditate? To achieve internal happiness. I can handle that.

2. Be Deliberate. Be conscious that you have choices. You can choose to change (lol–”I choose change!”), or you can choose to stick with what you have. You can choose to move forward, go backward, or do nothing at all. Being deliberate simply means acting consciously, with purpose.

3. Act Intuitively. Sure, you got me; this runs counter to No. 2. But as we’ve talked about before, acting consciously can sometimes be detrimental when too much rationalizing and reasoning gets in the way of your gut feelings. Don’t be afraid to follow your instincts. They’re there to guide you forward.

4. Create Solitude. There’s nothing like shutting down–on purpose–so you can recharge. We’re talking power down your blackberry, shut your door, turn off the TV and the laptop, and provide yourself the space to just thing and be. Authentic people regularly look inside and listen to their intuition, but they can’t do this with all the chaos of the modern world swirling around them.

5. Stay Connected. Thomas Moore, author of A Life at Work, says, “Community is an outlook toward life in which you define yourself in relation to the world around you, rather than only in connection with yourself.” Community, he is saying, is a way to enlarge our own sense of self.

6. Play Hard. Don’t hold back when doing what you really love, whether it’s tennis, running, art, dancing. It allows you to fully express who you are at your core.

7. Be Willing to Lose. Authentic people know that failure is part of growing. You must be willing to stare down your failures, learn from them, and move forward if you are to live an authentic life.

I take no credit for the above definitions.  But I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of taking personal responsibility for life’s challenges.  That means peering inside for answers on why we do what we do, feel what we feel, and think what we think.  It’s only through an authentic life that we can look internally, and take personal responsibility.  Personal responsibility is the genius of change!

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photo credit: stefernie

“We cannot change our childhood.  We can make sense of what has been repressed and forgotten…If we remain conscious of ourselves and of the pull of early models, even if hang-ups of various kinds remain, as inevitably they must, we have a better chance of creating satisfying relationships with our mates and secure relationships with our children…we are only doomed to repeat what has not been remembered, reflected upon, and worked through.”  - Robert Karen

Our relationships are reflections of our true self. The adage “you are who your friends are” is true.  However, we aren’t who our friends are because they are shaping us, it’s because they are a reflection of who we feel most comfortable with.

If our earliest bonds dictate, in many ways, the health of future relationships, then our current ones with our friends, coworkers and spouse can be the best reflection of our greatest challenges.  In fact, when you have no friends at all, and can’t seem to play nice with people, being self-reflective is your best bet in knowing why it seems nobody likes you.

For example, you hear yourself say something like, “She is so stuck up with those dagger eyes and speaks in that whiney know-it-all voice!” has no self-reflection at all.  It is “other-blame” – you are merely stating your perception of someone else instead of  considering how you may have created this situation.

Instead, open up to the possibility that this situation isn’t what you’ve just imagined.  That she didn’t have dagger eyes and a whiney know-it-all voice.  And, if she does, why does it cut to your core?  What “buttons” were pushed in you?  It’s obvious you feel wronged in some way, but why?

The gap between blaming someone else and mulling over what you feel is where the likelihood of change lies.

Change happens while you practice new behaviors with someone you trust.  This is, in a sense, recreating the safe, trusting relationship you missed in your early years.  Below are seven ways a counselor and counseling relationship provides a snug, stable backdrop for your personal remodeling:

1.  Models a close relationship.  The relationship with your therapist should be one of the healthiest you have with clear boundaries, trust, kindness, and respect.  If you can’t be close and honest here, then why on earth would you spend time and money to go through such a challenging process anyway?

2.  Teaches how to mull over your true personality.  Knowing and stating how you fee, no matter how embarrassing, fearful, or angering is tough!  But pondering your private inner-life teaches how to recognize your feelings, and teaches self-expression and reflection.

3.  Provides “mothering” not received in childhood. Your therapist should accept you without judgment.  Providing unconditional nurturing and acceptance mirrors your redeming qualities, which builds self-esteem, self-confidence, and greater self-awareness – all things you may not have received unconditionally in childhood.

4.  Navigates unchartered waters with a little pressure. “Nudging” you forward and into new behaviors is ultimately what creates change – your therapist will do that (and if they don’t, find someone who will!).  Breaking old habits takes encouragement, guidance, love and a healthy dose of arm-twisting!

5.  Helps face unattractive details of your personality. Holding yourself accountable in strained friendships and other relationships is uncomfortable.  And in fact, it’s easier to find those who will gladly  jump on your “negative bandwagon” than it is to find someone who can be honest about your true behavior.  Your counselor helps you face the negative aspects of yourself that you’ve been avoiding.

6.  ”Shields” you from the outside world so you can practice new behaviors and emotions, in ways you weren’t comfortable doing before. Your counselor encourages you to discuss your feelings, perceptions, and fears – the ones you’ve felt comfortable showing before.

7.  Provides a “retreat” from the outside world where all feelings are accepted, and do not create barriers to self-expression. Change depends upon self-reflection.  Being able to openly state how you feel and what your opinions are is important.  Your counselor can be the person you bounce ideas off of.

Ok, so I admit – “nobody” is an extreme word and it’s unlikely that “nobody” likes you in the world.  But sometimes it can feel that way!  When friends, coworkers and spousal relationships are strained, you are to blame – at least in part.

Change is tough.  Even if you have a stroke of insight into your inner life, it doesn’t mean you’ll change your behavior because you feel too vulnerable and unsure.  The relationship you have with your counselor, coach, “A friends” and spouse – if they are healthy and secure – can help with your personality reconstruction.

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/