Week 14′s Challenge:  Learn Something New

photo from Lifestyle Updated

The research is clear:  the adult brain is still generating thousands of new neurons each day, and unless they are challenged by learning new things, they will die off.  Research on Alzheimer’s and dementia also seem to point to the importance of continual learning in order to keep the brain healthy and fit.

Our world is full of wonderful and exciting opportunities to learn.  This is our challenge to help you take that step, and exercise that brain!  Here are just a few suggestions.

Are you curious about other cultures and countries?  You could:

Learn a new language

Learn how to cook cuisine from a different culture

Learn about another religion

Talk to someone who immigrated to the United States and learn about their experience in their home country

Have you wanted to engage in a new hobby?  You could:

Take a class on wood working

Learn how to knit/ crochet/ sew

Begin a vegetable garden

Learn how to play a musical instrument

Are you wanting to be more active?

Join a yoga class or start training to run a marathon

Go fishing

Learn how to Cha-Cha/ Samba/ Two-Step/ your dance of choice

Learn Tai Chi

This is obviously far from a comprehensive list, and we would love to hear what would be on your list of new learning discoveries.  The challenge is to start the process of  learning something new and unknown, your list could jump start a wealth of new learning opportunities for all of us!

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Sit on our Facebook couch: http://www.facebook.com/ichoosechange

Change isn't easy. Yet, baby steps will get you there.

I'd like to summarize what change is, and what change isn't, wrapping up my Change Series.

Change is...

• a mindset shift. It's knowing there are behaviors about yourself you don't like, and deciding it's time to change those behaviors.
• a choice. Knowing that you have total control over what you think, how you feel, and what you do, gives you immense power to change the things you want to change.
• simple. In theory, change is simple. Understanding the simple formula for change - that you must intimately know, then work to change, your own subconscious belief system about yourself, others, and your worldview - is the fastest path to change.
• a journey. Growth of the mind happens gradually. The more you know, the more you're willing to embrace your core self. The core self is the person you are without all the added schemas of life - without all the "crap" that has been piled on you, through your lifetime. At the core of your being, you are perfect just as you are - emotionally sound, spiritually connected, and able to trust the process of life.

Change is not...

• going to happen today. Sorry, it's just not. But it can start today, once you embrace a new mindset, understanding that YOU are the one in control of every aspect of your life - not the things that happen TO you, but your reaction and mindset toward those things. You have ultimate power.
• not easy. Okay, yes, it is easy, when you embrace the tools you already have within you, and use them. But it's not easy if you're expecting it to come swiftly through a pill, or a class, or one simple little book. Change doesn't happen that way. Change is a journey. Embrace the journey.
• only about you. When you change, the world is affected. First, your immediate surroundings - your husband, your kids, your boss, and your friends. They'll notice, and when they do, they'll like what they see, or they won't. And then you'll have some decisions to make about them in your life.

So, how does one change?

First, take some time to examine your upbringing. What brought you to the place you are right now? What were you taught? What relationships were you witness to? How were you treated when you were younger? How were your siblings treated?

I highly encourage you to work with a coach or therapist who is trained and skilled in attachment theory. "Attachment theory" isn't a skill set, per se. It's a knowledge-base. It is a fundamental understanding of why people are the way they are. Using some very specific tools and probing techniques, an attachment therapist can help you understand the theme of your life, and what has you stuck. It's only when you understand what you're holding onto, that you'll be able to let it go.

Second, embrace the TEA Process. That is, embrace your power!  Your subconscious belief system (which you'll come to know through the attachment theory process, as stated above) are your thoughts! Your thoughts care your emotions, and your emotions create your actions. Therefore, if you want to change what FEEL and what you DO, you must change what you THINK. Changing what you think means understanding WHY you think what you think. I wish it was as simple as, "Well, stop thinking that!" but it's not. If it were that easy, you wouldn't be reading this.

Change your subconscious thinking - your ingrained processes of thought - and you'll be well on your way to change.

That's it! Change is two steps. Embrace the journey of YOU. Understand your brain, and why you do the things you do. Then, take back your power, and change how you feel and what you do, day by day.

I highly encourage you to read my entire change series:

Let's Have TEA!: Part 1

Actions Speak: Part 2

Feelings. Nothing more than...Feelings: Part 3

A Thought to Consider: Part 4

Think!: Part 5

Memory: Part 6

The Hardcore Method: Part 7

Tabula Rasa: Part 8

Momma Trauma: Part 9

Early Learning Matters: Part 10

Week 13′s Change Challenge:  Be More Present

photo from Family Values Club

I read a blog entry recently about the message we send our kids when we are constantly on our smart phones.  The message rings loud and clear in our children’s subconscious minds, as we constantly check Facebook or e-mail, that they don’t matter as much as this little device in our hands.

The premise of the blog hit home as I am that parent.  My iPhone is addicting, this constant flow of information and communication fuels my unhealthy desire to find significance in what I do and how well I do it.  If you read Jennifer’s great blog series on how our Thoughts are the predecessor to our Emotions which lead to our Actions, you’ll understand what I mean when I say that stress is my main emotional nemesis these days, which often leads to frustration and lack of presence in my relationships.

They (I don’t know who “they” are, but I believe “them” on this point) say that “I’m tired” or “Busy”  is the norm these days when one is asked, “How are you?”

Back tracking a bit…  a few years ago I listened to an interview with Gretchen Rubin, author of “The Happiness Project.”  In the interview she said something along the lines of how there was one moment where she realized she was happiest when she was completely engrossed in whatever it was that she was doing, and not thinking about anything else.  If it was playing with her kids, she was happiest when she was focused solely on that time with her kids.  If it was spending time with a friend, she was happiest when she was engrossed in that time.

I’m going to practice that this week, and I hope that you’ll join me.

Until next time, I’m going to play catch with my son.

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I may have [purposely] created a pretty bleak picture in my last post, Momma Trauma:

• “We all face issues from childhood that ‘mess us up.’”
• “When a child enters into adulthood without the foundation of this secure base (otherwise known as a “secure attachment”) there are many, many problems that surface in their relationships.”
• “How you manage friendships, intimate relationships, work relationships, sibling relationships, parental relationships – all relationships! – are a direct result of what was encoded early on – what was taught.”
• These statements are all true, but there is VERY good news!

Attachment is only part of the puzzle.  A large part, yes, since the “encoding” that takes place within your brain sets the stage for many of your behaviors in adulthood, but this encoding within the brain is a learned process.  In other words, you weren’t born with this specific set of behaviors. They were given to you on a silver platter, and you slurped up the lessons because you didn’t know any better.

Temperament is a large part of the puzzle as well.  The personality you’re born with acts with the learned behaviors to create the adult you are today!  Ta-da!

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 
― Dr. Seuss

So the point to take away here is, what you feel and what you do are LEARNED.  And what is learned, can be UNLEARNED.  Yeah!  I didn’t say the process was easy, I just said it was possible. But to find out the “how” it’s useful to find out the “why”, which is why it’s important to understand what we learned about relationships and life when we were little.

Certainly, a majority of people aren’t abandoned as Annie was in my last post.  But let’s use Annie’s experience to further illustrate attachment and it’s effects on adulthood behaviors.

You might say Annie’s parents didn’t really “abandon” her, right?  She was sick and she needed to stay in the hospital. Annie’s mother was doing what any loving, caring caregiver would do in this instance, right?  She was seeking medical attention!  And you might say that is enough – that Annie would come around. That once she was TOLD why she was there, it would be enough for her to understand why she was left alone, and hence, she would quickly get over any negative feelings she had on the issue.

The problem with that line of thinking, however, is that babies aren’t “thinking” beings – yet. Remember, babies don’t have the cognitive structures of an adult. They certainly don’t have the decision-making processes in place!  More than anything, babies and young children – children younger than about 5 years old – are emotional, creative beings.  The right side of their brain – the creative side – is what is activated and used.  The brain at this phase of development is like a sponge, soaking in all the information it can through it’s five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, and talking.

The Five Senses

The five senses are important as a baby, because it’s the only way a baby “connects” with her caregiver.  It’s the only way, and perhaps the most important way, the baby and young child begins to understand how adults “work.”  The cumulative lessons we teach our young are the behaviors she’ll take into adulthood.

It’s important, therefore, that we as adults understand and examine the ways in which our caregivers imparted their messages to us. Likewise, it’s important for parents to understand the emotional and cognitive development of their babies, so they are able to impart the information in ways the baby can understand.

Babies aren’t little adults.  Toddlers and young kids aren’t little adults.  They can’t be expected to act as adults act and make the decisions adults make.  Furthermore, what you spoon-feed this child on a consistent, daily basis, will set the stage for how this child behaves, as an adult.

Emotional Abandonment

We now know that physical abandonment can create some very difficult issues for the child, and hence the adult. We know that children don’t understand being “left”, as shown in Annie’s example. But these examples are rare.

An often overlooked issue is emotional abandonment.  Emotional abandonment is a child that has everything it needs physically, but it lacks the emotional connection needed to thrive.  It isn’t enough for a caregiver to provide food, shelter and water, although these are certainly very important for survival. And “survive” is exactly what will happen with his child. But is survival all we’re after? Is that enough?

To survive simply means…to breath.  You exist, but you don’t feel whole.

An adult that merely survives continually feels like there’s something missing.  Again and again clients go into therapy because “something is missing” or “something isn’t clicking.” Something doesn’t feel right in their lives, and they can’t pinpoint what it is. Often, it is that they are emotionally void.  I’m not saying that are without emotion!  I’m saying they don’t feel a connection to anyone, or to themselves, in a deeply emotional way.  And if they DO feel this deep emotion, or have in the past, it is short lived.  To sustain an emotional attachment to someone is almost impossible for some adults.

Emotional abandonment is an epidemic in this country right now. Emotional abandonment is a child who is receiving what it needs to receive physically (or not), but NOT receiving what it needs emotionally.  It is a child developing an insecure attachment.

An insecurely attached adult is someone who’s left lonely, sad, and with feelings of worthlessness. But how do we know we’re tending to our babies and children in ways that they feel emotionally attached – in ways they won’t feel abandoned?  The answers are easy, if you understand the basic structures of human development. Understanding how a baby views the world – how it speaks to the world, hears the world, sees the world – is the most important lesson any parent can learn.

Likewise, an adult who realizes they may not be securely attached, who feels sad, lonely, worthless, and as if there is a “hole in their heart”, needs to understand human development throughout the lifespan.  When there is a deficit from childhood, the gap needs to be filled.  The learning that took place so long ago, creating this emotional abandonment, needs to be recreated – relearned.  The good news is, what is learned, can be unlearned, and relearned again!  But the first step is to find out what was LEARNED.

Does EVERY issue that is brought to counseling mean there’s an insecure attachment?  No. Without a doubt, definitely not.  But, this is an issue seen again and again, so it is worthy of examining further.  Many times I dig into a client’s past, probing into their family of origin to find out how they learned to “do” relationships, and I find there is no insecure attachment issue.  In that case, we simply step into problem-solving and goal-setting to change the emotions and actions without going any further into their past lives as children.

The change process is the same whether there is an attachment issue or not, and we’ll get to those steps in more detail. But when there IS an attachment issue, it’s imperative that we look at that in more detail. Understanding about yourself – your own patterns of doing and feeling – are extremely important.

Your Mom is the BEST Mom, Hands Down

The concept is hard to understand and difficult to detect. And, nobody wants to talk bad about their Momma! So here’s a blanket statement about the Momma Trauma we MAY have experienced:

You had a good upbringing, and your Mom loved you. She did the best she could with all the tools she had. In fact, it is an INCREDIBLE job. And if you’re a parent yourself, you know the job of parenting is the hardest job on planet earth. Understanding your attachment style isn’t about doggin’ your Momma!  It’s about developing a better understanding of the way YOU learned relationships, based on how you were taught them.

You have a parent who is PHYSICALLY available, how do you know if they were emotionally available?  Well, you may just know.  Sometimes it’s easy to know when you weren’t raised with the best pick of the litter.  Sometimes, the handwriting is NOT on the wall.  And that’s where some investigative work is handy.

I’d like to give you some case samples to help this process make more sense, and to hopefully connect some dots in your own upbringing.

Case Sample 1:

Sarah and Tom came for marital therapy. Sarah decided she wanted out of the 10-year marriage because she had finally realized Tom was not going to connect with her in the way she needed. He was emotionally unavailable to her, despite her pleas for affection. The two did not have kids, and she figured it would be easy to slip away unnoticed so she could find someone who WOULD connect with her.

Upon further investigation, we realized Sarah had a cycle of being non-expressive. When she felt like she was asking Tom for what she wanted, she was simply sending him subtle clues, of which Tom wasn’t picking up on. And when he didn’t pick up on her clues, she shut down. After a few weeks of shutting down, she had enough, and blew up! Tom would be dumbfounded, wondering where this all came from, and Sarah would be angry that Tom was so clueless! They would muddle through, connect briefly. Within a week or so, things were back to “normal” and the cycle would begin again. Tom would reach out to Sarah in various ways, but Sarah didn’t respond the way Tom anticipated, so he quit trying. Sarah felt lonely and disconnected again, and shut down. Then, out of “no where” she blew up – again and again, the cycle continued!

Looking into Sarah’s family of origin, we learned how she was the “golden child”.  She was the middle of 5 kids, and her parents clearly had high expectations for her. Not so high that she couldn’t live up to what they wanted, though. She wanted to please her parents and was always striving to “do the right thing.”

Her older sister Mary was always in trouble. She didn’t follow the rules, she didn’t make good grades, and in fact, was even held back her 8th grade year. Sarah’s parents were very disappointed in Mary, and let her know it. Through their actions and their words, of which Sarah witnessed, Mary understood that the love she received from her parents was conditional – when Mary did as she was supposed to do, followed the rules, and made good grades, she was in her parent’s good graces. When she screwed up again, she got the silent treatment from Mom and looooong lecture sessions with Dad.

As Sarah watched this interaction with her older sister, it was clear what she needed to do to get love and affection from her parents: never screw up. And never screwing up meant keeping your chin high and keeping your problems to a minimum. Any hint of difficulty that was brought to her parents could be met with disapproval, and she wasn’t about to bring that on herself!  So, she kept quite, despite her struggles along the way, and need to have her parents support, and plugged along without much of a peep. No negativity!  It wasn’t allowed.

Fast forward 20 years to her marriage with Tom, and we can see Sarah very clearly acting out what she’d learned as a child:

• Positivity is rewarded with unconditional love
• Negativity, or “screwing up” is met with loss of love and affection, and disapproval
• Watching her older sister experience the pain of disapproval was hard to watch; she certainly didn’t want to bring that on herself, so she kept quite, not revealing her needs

Sarah’s inability to SAY what she needed, in no uncertain terms in her marriage to Tom, was only hurting the marriage. Through therapy, she learned to be more assertive and ask for what she needed WITHOUT the fear of being denied, abandoned, or rejected.  She changed her behaviors by understanding and apprecatiating her emotional life better. And when she understood her emotions, she learned how to be more in control of them by expressing her thoughts – by expressing what she needed in no uncertain terms.

Case 2:

Jenny was a vibrant 40-something who’d fell on hard times. She once had a business that was thriving in advertising, and her freelance business on the side was bringing in enough money to quit her full time job. After about five years though, she had a “break down” and woke up one day broke, dissatisfied with her life, and with no clients. She had to move home with her Mom because she lost her home to foreclosure. What’s more, she didn’t have the motivation to even go find another paying job. She started to drink heavily in the evenings and occasionally in the morning when she was alone.

Through investigation, we learned Jenny was an only child from a single-parent home. Dad was non-existent since the age of four. Grandparents were present, but only with occasional babysitting. Jenny and Mom were very close. Best friends, in fact! Jenny didn’t have a bad word to say about her Mom, except that now that she wasn’t working and living with her again after 20 years, Mom was disgruntled – always snapping, angry, and telling Jenny what she needed to do to get her life on track. And it was all good advice! Except, Jenny just wouldn’t make any movement toward finding a job and getting her life started again.

Growing up Mom owned her own business, just as Jenny did. Mom was a “self-made woman” and didn’t let Jenny wallow in self-pity. When she wasn’t doing well, she told her to pick herself up by her boot straps and stop complaining. Mom valued hard work, and she wasn’t much help when things weren’t money-driven. In fact, being successful meant making money. When you weren’t making money, you weren’t worth much. Your life was going nowhere. You were a nobody. Well, at least this is the message Jenny got….

And, now that Jenny is older and falling on hard times, she hadn’t yet learned the skill 0f true, internal happiness. Her happiness has always been externally driven, just as Mom had taught her it should be. When Jenny was producing, she was on top of the world. Jenny had never learned what it was like to struggle – she didn’t have to, because Mom was there to pick her up at every turn. She most definitely didn’t teach Jenny about problem-solving, and how to switch gears. And now, when Jenny found she COULDN’T pick herself up by her bootstraps, she didn’t really know what else to do. And on top of that, she felt worthless, as if her life didn’t mean anything. She didn’t have a purpose, and she obviously didn’t know how to be successful or happy.

Through therapy, Jenny realized that she had learned that internal needs didn’t matter. External successes, and particularly ones that made you money were what gave you worth. Except, in order for Jenny to move forward and be successful and happy at this new phase of her life, she had to rethink what happiness was. She needed to abandon her old teachings and develop new ideas – new beliefs.

TEA Begins

As you can see, change happens when we learn our early development patterns, understand that we learned to “do” life and relationships from our earliest attachment relationships, and that change would happen when we were able to allow ourselves a new way of thinking – when we allowed new belief structures to become the habits we wanted, instead of the habits and actions we didn’t want.

We’ve gone through the TEA process, as you’ll recall:

Your thoughts (beliefs, opinions, assumptions, perceptions and judgments) create your emotions, and your emotions create your actions. Thoughts can be subconscious or conscious – most of them are subconscious!  You don’t even know they exist.  Change happens when you know your subconscious thoughts.

Subconscious thoughts are learned habits. The way you learned to do relationships at a very young age is most likely the way you are DOING your relationships now!  Whether you’re securely attached or insecurely attached, you only know how to behave because you were taught to behave this way.

Examining early learning patterns of development with those important caregivers gives us a glimpse into WHY you feel and behave the way you do.  Now, to change how you feel and what you do, we simply have to change what we THINK.  We’ve come full circle now, back to my original post introducing the TEA!

In my next post, we’ll tie up the entire change process and identify specific steps that need to be taken to change. There is a formula for change – insert yourself in it, and you’ll feel different and behave differently. Easy as pie!

Missed some articles in the series?

• http://www.ichoosechange.com/how-people-change/ (Part 1)
• http://www.ichoosechange.com/how-people-change2/ (Part 2)

Week 12′s Challenge:  Have some TEA

photo from The Times of India

This month we will turn it to I Choose Change’s director and founder, Jennifer M. Ryan, M.Ed, LPC-S.  She has written a great, wonderful, amazing series titled “How People Change” on I Choose Change’s blog.  The theme for the month of May is “Growth”, and I automatically thought of “Change” as the main component of personal growth.

If you’ve been to counseling at I Choose Change, you”ll know that the theories that we use in our counseling sessions are Cognitive Behavioral Theory and Attachment Theory.  Jennifer’s series is a great way to break down our counseling sessions in blog form.  It’s like free therapy!

For Week 12′s challenge, I would encourage you to read the first 4 parts of the “How People Change” blogs.  Part 1 breaks down the TEA process, Part 2 dives into the “A” part of the TEA process, Part 3 explains the “E” portion, and Part 4 begins processing the importance of each of our “T”s.  What am I talking about? –  read the blogs (linked in the prior explanation of each part) and find out!

As you’re reading, think through your own TEA process and how the understanding of this process can help you facilitate change and growth.

This is going to be a great month of challenges.  Share with your friends!

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I often like to use movies I’ve seen to drive home a point I’m making in my therapy sessions. Four movies come up again and again, and for specific reasons.

(WARNING: The movie descriptions below MIGHT be spoilers, AND some clips are rated R! Proceed with caution.)

They are:

The Ring

This is a scary movie, no doubt about it. But it’s not scary just because there’s a dead zombie girl haunting innocent people when they “activate” her by watching a VHS tape. The girl was hoisted into a well as a young girl and left there to die by her abusive mother. I’m not sure why she’s so mad at the WORLD (instead of say, just her mother), but she is out for blood – literally!

What’s also scary about this movie is the parallel between seeing her at the bottom of the well, trying to dig herself out, and depression. There’s nothing to grip onto, the walls of the well are muddy, wet and rocky. And, it’s deep. Really deep. So that you can see a light at the veeerrrry top of the well, but you’re so far down no one can hear your crying screams. You can’t climb your way out because there is nothing to grab onto. When you try, your nails chip and break away from your fingers, and you slide ride back down into the black hole once again, silent, alone, cold, and no one to hear you scream for help.

Check it out:

Many people don’t know I suffered with extreme depression for many years. In my darkest hours, this is how it felt…being at the bottom of a well, screaming for help, but having no voice. Seeing a light, you want to go toward it, but your body won’t let you. You can’t move. You are rendered helpless. Feeling one day as if you’ve made it to the top, only be to pushed back down again, drowning in your own self-loathing and anger. You want to die, but you don’t.

Depression is like being at the bottom of that well, desperately trying to get out. Except, you can’t, no matter what you do.

Which brings me to my next favorite example of a movie:

Bang Bang, You’re Dead

Check out this video clip. Fast forward to the 5:59 mark to hear the EXACT phrase I love. Or, watch the whole clip to get the jest of what’s happening. I LOVE this one…

The movie, if you haven’t seen it, is about a kid that gets bullied relentlessly at school. There are many, MANY lessons to learn from this movie, but my favorite is when Tom Cavanaugh, the school counselor says in a meeting, “I think, when you label a kid ‘at-risk’, you’ve just created a kid ‘at-risk’.” 

This quote is far-reaching, and holds true for many of life’s struggles.

When we CREATE the issue (in our heads, through our own stories), we’ve just created an issue.

Depression is another good example. If you’re labeled as “a depressed person,” it now gives the person permission to BE that. To wear that label like a badge. To, in essence, have an excuse for behaving in ways that are otherwise unacceptable.

I will be the first to admit that the label I was given years ago as “depressed” provided me a PLETHORA of ways I could use to scapegoat my issues onto an outside excuse. When I didn’t clean my house, it was because I was too sleepy and had low motivation to do it. When I didn’t finish a project, it was because I lost my motivation. When I cancelled last minute with friends, it was because my anxiety was particularly bad. When I just zoned out to the television all day, it was because I needed something to slow my rambling thoughts.

This issue strikes a bit of a chord with some, I know. What I’m saying is that we have to take responsibility of our own “stuff”, including symptoms of mental illness. When you label a person as depression, you’ve just created a depressed person. That label gives us JUST enough fuel to, and excuse, to not perform at our optimal level.

The Entity

If you haven’t seen this horror film gem, you’re missing out! Circa 1983, this movie is the true story of a Texas woman who claims to be haunted by an unseen thing – and entity. Whether it’s really a true story or not, I’ll leave you to your own opinion. But what makes this movie such a great example as a therapist is how the entity very closely resembles the life a large emotion like anxiety takes on for us.

If you or someone you know has lived with the sting of negative emotion for any length of time, such as anxiety, shame, loneliness or guilt, you will understand the parallel of this gigantic, unseen, powerful force that is ever-present, breathing down your neck.

Take a look at this clip:

I think I saw this movie when it was released in the 80s (which would mean I was not even in the double digits in age), and it has stuck with me. Particularly the last scene of the movie where the entity is “caught”. That this thing has taken over this woman’s life, and she has no control over whether it is present or not present, is much like the feeling of anxiety and other negative emotions we experience.

Our negative emotions are there, ever-present, and when we try to ignore they exist they get bigger and bigger!  The entity (the anxiety, for example) stares at us, glares at us, pokes our shoulder, and whispers in our ear to make it’s presence known. It’s an enormous force we give power to – it feels like the entity.

The Village

Spectacular movie, this one!  M. Night Shayamalan tells the story of “the things of which we do not speak.” It is an exciting, gripping story of a thing that haunts a village and it’s people.  Take a look at this clip:

“The things of which we do not speak” is a phrase the Villagers pinned on this thing that haunts them, because they believe by giving it a name – by speaking of it and giving it life – it makes the thing real. And because they don’t want the thing haunting them, they merely say, “the thing of which we do not speak.”

Often there are unspoken things in a therapy session. Even more so, there are things of which we do not speak of in our homes – unspoken rules that we live by. The unspoken rules still shape our lives, whether we decide to speak of them or not. In other words, ignoring an issue does not make it go away. Nor does dwelling, but instead, honoring the “thing” (of which you normally do not speak) allows you to have more control over it’s presence – to take back your power.

Therapy is real life, and movies are in our lives, often portraying scenes which give us lessons to learn, subjects to ponder, and insight we didn’t have before. I love using movies as examples to big lessons within my sessions.

Can you think of any other movies that would offer examples for real life?

photo from Life Coach Mark Anthony’s website

Rebirth and Renewing Your Spirit Change Evolution

Here is your opportunity to enter to win a $25 Amazon.com gift card!  Anyone who participated in the April Change Challenges is eligible, even if you were too shy to post.

Post your personal evolution of change in just a few sentences by midnight, May 8th.  How did your work on April’s weekly challenges help you grow in the area of changing your understanding of yourself, your story and your personal impact in the world?

Thank you for joining us on this journey!  It has been a joy changing with you.

Week 11′s Challenge:  Make One Deliberate Choice 

My baby is sick and needing my undivided attention today, so I’m going to make this a short (but profound) challenge.

In staying with the theme of rebirth and renewal of spirit, let’s turn to the spirit of humanity as a whole.  Please watch this video:

What Are Human Rights?

This week’s challenge is to make one deliberate choice to help protect the universal rights of others.

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Week 10′s Challenge:  Celebrate!

Photo from SodaHead.com

I know I for one am constantly looking at things to improve.  I love watching the DIY network and thinking of what home improvement projects I can get started on.  I love watching shows like Biggest Loser and seeing the hard work the contestants make to make some major lifestyle and health changes.  And, I’m constantly thinking about ways that I can improve and become a “better” me.

Richard Foster, in his book, “The Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth” states that celebration is one of the key spiritual disciplines.  Yes, you read that right, celebration is a spiritual discipline.

The challenge for this week is to look at each day through the lens of celebration.  Instead of thinking of what things need to improve inside and outside ourselves, let’s look and see what it is that we can genuinely and authentically celebrate, even if it’s not “perfect” or “improved”.

And, if you’re really up for the challenge, plan a party with some friends and celebrate the amazing in your life.  Look for it, and you’ll find it.

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A Sacred Space for Women – Women’s Circle. Find out more…

Being in a long term relationship with someone isn’t always easy. In fact, let me rephrase: Being in a long term relationship with someone is challenging, angering, and maddening at times, even within the same 10 minute span. Sometimes it’s blissful and joyous, too, of course. But being in close quarters 24/7 with someone for a lifetime takes work!

There are many books that give all kinds of advice on how to fight fair and how to communicate better. Renowned couples therapist John Gottman even says we need to realize when we fight, there are some problems that will never get solved. I think that’s true, and very sound advice to hold onto.

Still, when we’re in the crux of a difficult situation with a loved one, our heads in two different places on seemingly small issues (they usually are in hindsight, aren’t they?), it’s nice to have some easy tools we can reach for so we don’t completely damage our relationship.

Here are five things I think every marriage should use each time a difficult topic comes up:

1.  Honor who has the floor.  

In other words, if a grievance is presented to you (“I don’t like it when you leave your wet towel on the floor,” “I didn’t like it when you ignored my request to unload the dishwasher,” and “You don’t ever ask me out on a date” are some good examples), honor your spouse – respect them – for the issue they’re presenting.  Our first response is usually defensive. Afterall, who likes to be told they’re inadequate or didn’t measure up?  Still, it’s a real issue for the person who brings it up, and it’s our job as their partner to respect their feelings, even if we disagree with their perception.

2.  Feelings first, content second.

Just as we allow our loved one to express their grievance openly, we need to honor their flood of emotions. Think about it: The main reason there’s a grievance is because there’s a hurt.  Your spouse feels left out, rejected, lonely, ignored, sad, inadequate or disrespected, and although the situation went down way different than your spouse’s interpretation, it’s not nice to compound his grievance by discrediting their emotions. Plus, allowing your spouse to simply feel what they need to feel about their perceived grievance will build a stronger connection between the two of you so you can begin to talk about the content of the grievance.

Most arguments are presented in anger.  Notice that I didn’t list anger in the feelings above. Generally speaking, anger isn’t the CORE emotion. At the core, your spouse feels something deeper. If you can connect with that deeper emotion, you’ll be ready to talk about the perceived instance that created that feeling. (Remember, all feelings are created out of a thought, belief or perception. Even if you have a different thought, belief or perception, it doesn’t mean your spouse’s is way off base. Honor what she brings to the table.)

3. Validate feelings and thoughts.

Nothing is more unnerving than laying your heart and soul on the line, only to feel like you’re a big heap of irrational. Am I right?

Yet, it’s not always clear what the emotions are in any given argument. This can be difficult, especially when my second rule (#2 above) is to encourage you to validate feelings above all else. Therefore, we have to stay very in-tune to what our spouse is saying. Further, we have to deduce what they’re feeling based on what they’ve said and on their body language.

It’s usually easy to recognize anger. Fist pounding, eye-rolling, raised voices, and stomping are just a few clues! But anger is only the tip of the iceberg. If we’re going to really connect with our spouse, and validate their emotion, we need to listen for their feelings in their NONverbal cues. They may not say, “I feel lonely and disrespected,” but they may be showing you in their actions.

Validating thoughts is equally important. If your spouse says, for example, “You don’t know how to manage the finances,” or “You never want to have sex,” those statements are simply PERCEPTIONS (or an opinion). And, they’re valid. It’s okay if that’s what it SEEMS like to your spouse, isn’t it?  He is to be respected for his perceptions and opinions, even if they aren’t true for you.  Your spouse has the floor when their grievance is presented, and it’s your job to HEAR their feedback. For example, “You don’t like the way I do finances. You feel frustrated? (a clarifying question)” Another example is, “You think we don’t have sex enough” as opposed to, “You’re always thinking about sex! Other couples don’t have sex four times per week!” What’s important is that your spouse feels heard and validated – however they feel and whatever they think is true and valid for them, even if it isn’t true and valid for you.

4.  Just observe / Be inquisitive.

The opposite of getting defensive is to simply listen and accept. Lack of validation means you aren’t able to simply observe, and respect, how your spouse feels.  You may not LIKE it, but you have to honor it (unless you want to have more argument on your hands!). The best way to connect with your spouse is to just observe him. Observe what he says, what he does, what he thinks, his body language, and what he seems to feel (if he doesn’t tell you). And, be inquisitive. No, you aren’t expected to be a mind-reader. But you are expected to be tuned in. Being tuned in means you CAN deduce and imply what is going on with body language.  However, it’s always good to ask questions about the grievance. The more you ask, the more you’ll seem interested. The more interested you seem, the more emotionally connected your spouse feels.

Some examples of open-ended, inquisitive, probing questions sound like this:

• How do you want to see the finances managed?
• What are some ideas you have about staying on budget?
• How can we help each other stay on track throughout the month?
• What seems like a normal amount of sex for you?
• How can we meet in the middle with sex?
• Sex is important to both of us, how we can make it a priority?
• It seems like you feel disrespected when I don’t clear the dishwasher when you’ve asked. Please talk to me about that.

This list can go on and on and on. The point is, stay connected to your spouse by getting as much information as you need, and to help her feel understood and listened to.  Her grievance is about HER, not about YOU, so let her have the floor, honor her emotions before you dig into the problem-solving content, validate what she’s feeling, and observe her in action.

5. Be the audience.

I wrote about this concept in a previous post in more detail. This tip is about stepping back and observing your spouse AND the argument from a different angle. This is the best way to attempt to put yourself in your spouses shoes. Ask yourself, while observing him:

• What is he feeling?
• What is he thinking?
• Is there any part of what he is saying that’s true?
• It’s not true for me, but is it true for him?
• Can I see how he would have that perception?
• How can I honor what he’s feeling right this moment?
• How can I love, accept, and respect him, even though I don’t agree with his perceptions?
• What can I do to show him I care?

Being the audience means you CARE and RESPECT the outcome of the argument, enough to step aside for a moment, analyzing it’s contents. Be the audience of your theatrical production, which is your argument!  You can choose differently in this moment, and the way you right your script – the words you’re going to say and the physical response you have – will have a direct affect on what you receive in return.

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