Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category
One of my favorite websites is one called Zero to Three. It’s a website dedicated purely to the research and development of children from conception through the age of three years.
My first inclination that I wanted to be in the helping profession was in Middle School. I grew up in a small town in West Texas that had basically only two groups of people: popular and not popular. I suppose a third group would be those teetering between those two – some days your “in” and some days you’re very “out”. I was that person. I teetered.
The problem with teetering though, is that all people want to belong somewhere. It’s human nature to want to be part of a group. To have comradere. To have people looking out for you and being your support system. Growing up, I’m not sure I felt like I had that. I lived in an “unsure” world.
My middle school experience I had was inherited from my early childhood development. How I learned to trust, be independent, and take up for myself against bullies was part of my foundational learned style. Couple that learned development with my personality trait of being very emotional and it led to some ill-equipped coping skills at a young age.
Understanding what is developmentally appropriate at any age is essential to parenting. In later years, it’s essential to change.
We all want to know why we do some of the crazy stuff we do. And, in order to know, we must look back in time at those early years. Robert Karen wrote a great book on the topic of relationships. He says, and others said before him, that early relationships shape our capacity to love.
Let’s think about this… ALL early relationships shape how we enter into any relationship – friendship, spousal, work – in the future. That’s huge!
We’re born with a temperament style (cranky, happy-go-lucky, easy). Environment acts on that temperament, adding to what we’re born with and creating layers upon layers of learned behavior.
It’s important that early caregivers understand their baby and child’s temperament because this dramatically affects parenting style. We’ve all heard parents who say, “I parenting my children exactly the same, so I don’t know why Jason ended up so different and in trouble all the time!” Well, that’s why. Jason isn’t like Jill. They must be parented differently.
As we move through life and have difficulties in certain areas, we have to take a look back in time and ask ourselves where we got stuck. What did we learn about ourselves and the world around us, even if by accident?
A good friend tells the story set on a hot summer day in South Texas, a small house with had no air conditioning (think 110 degrees!). She recalls lying her her head in her mother’s lap, resting there a minute and feeling so warm, snug, and secure. But within a few seconds her mother said, “You’re making me hot!” and made her move.
As an adult, we can understand this scenario, right? Extremely hot, child in lap, mom MERELY saying she’s hot. But as a child, what she took away from this transaction was, “I don’t want to be close to you!” One small translation, with no follow-up from Mom (this is key), and a message looms 20 years later: ”You’re a burden.”
This may all sound simplistic on the surface, sure. But digging deeper helps us realize WHY we inherit our learned messages. And when we understand those, we can begin to unravel and relearn.
What is your first childhood memory? What experiences do you feel shaped you most? Do those core messages haunt you? Let’s talk about it in the “comment” section below…
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Remember this video from the 70s with the lady exclaiming, “Calgon, take me away!”?
Oh, the times I’ve uttered those words… At the end of a long day (or even at the beginning and middle of the day!), I’ve wanted to be whisked away into neverland, trading my chaos in for some peace and quiet.
(Warning: Shameless Plug!) On October 24, we’ll be sweetening the pot a little bit by taking you away from the frustrations of parenting. Oh, I know, I know… a “worskhop” means work. But not this one! We’ll be feeding you, introducing you to other parents just like you, and sending you away with your very own “parent toolkit.”
If you or someone you know is in the North Texas area, this event is a MUST ATTEND. Please pass this blog post along to someone you know needs or wants to attend. And if that’s you, register now because spaces are already filling up!
Top 10 Reasons Parents Should Attend “Calgon, Take Me Away!”
- Learn the importance of discipline and age-approprate consequences
- Discover your personal parenting style and how that style either helps or hurts your parenting process
- Understand how difference parenting style affects co-parenting
- Know how to tailor communication by listening more and talking less (and to connect with your child!)
- Learn how parenting suffers when you don’t take care of yourself, and get strategies for self-care
- Understand the importance of your child’s social network, and how to help foster appropriate relationships
- Know how to give the appropriate amount of privileges versus consequences
- Learn how to better handle responsibilities like school and social outings
- Eat free food, mingle with other parents, and receive your very own “Parent Toolkit”
- Pay only $10!
All of these, plus food. Plus the time away. Plus a new outlook on parenting life as they know it.
Don’t forget the ear of 4 seasoned counselors and life coaches, optional Q&A, and mingling with other parents can you trade stories (this helps us feel normal!).
In fact, it’s all of those! I Choose Change Counseling and Coaching Center will host a 2-hour seminar on Saturday, October 24 at the Allen Public Library for frazzled parents everywhere. And, we make no bones about it… we intend to whisk you away for at least 2 hours, feed you, and send you away with a “Parent Toolkit,” all aimed at giving you new skills, tips, and tricks for dealing with the frustrations of parenting.
Parents with school-aged children will enjoy a parent seminar, the ear of 3 Licensed Counselors on-hand for Q&A, and yes, food. Parents will also be armed and ready with their interactive “Parent Toolkit” at the end of this 2-hour seminar.
Space is limited. The cost is only $10 in advance. Visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register today!
When: Saturday, October 24, 2009, 10:30am-12:00pm
Where: Allen Public Library, 300 N. Allen Drive, Allen, Texas 75002
How: Call 214-547-1318 or visit www.ichoosechange.com/calgon.html to register
Popularity: 13% [?]
How you parent your child will create a blueprint for all other relationships in your child’s future. Yes, it’s a big statement to make, but it’s true.
Your child’s friend, dating partner, employer, sibling, and spousal relationships depend largely upon your interaction to the temperment of your child. Your parenting style helps develop a secure child.
In my earlier post, I told you that the parent-child connection was paramount, and only happens through quality time spent with your children. After a long day at the office, it’s hard to do, but most moms what to know: What exactly is quality time? What has to happen in the early days and years of your child’s life to create the healtiest adult?
You want to be the best parent you can be, and raise the healthiest child you can. Below are 10 things you can do to create a secure attachment with your child:
1. Tune into your child’s needs. Your parenting style must change to match the needs and temperment of your child. As parents, it’s our job to read their cues instead of expecting the child to read ours. A parent’s job is to develop a “collaborative” relationship with the child rather than a “controlling” one.
2. Respect your child. Tuning in helps you know what your child enjoys, what her babbling jumbled words mean, and what makes her giggle with delight. It’s the parent’s job to “come down to the child’s level” to understand what the child needs, and tend to the child accordingly. This behavior makes your baby feel calm, respected, and important.
3. Coddle your child. You absolutely cannot spoil your baby child if you pick her up while crying. In fact, the more you nurture, pamper and tend to your childs needs now, the more your child will feel socially secure, independent, loved, trusting and cherished later. Hugs, kisses, holding, rocking, patting, singing and talking to your baby are ways to improve the parent-child bond.
4. Have a “time in.” Babies and children aren’t mean or vindictive. Therefore, even when babies and young children are fussy, crying, and difficult, consider giving them a “time in.” Instead of isolating them from you (as in a “time out,”) try loving on them, respecting their emotions, and even helping them understand how they feel. You’ll be amazed at how their behavior will change once they come to trust that you won’t banish them to another room when what they really need is some TLC.
5. Establish a “secure base.” Notice how your baby will crawl away from you and turn back to check that you’re still there? They feel secure knowing they can always come back to you. Into toddlerhood and even the pre-school years, your child depends on you to be their “go to” person. They feel safe and secure just knowing they have you to come back to.
6. Create routines. Your baby and young child enjoy knowing what’s going to happen next. Not only is it important to establish routines, but it’s equally important to fill your child in on the plan. This means being respectful and building a more collaborative relationship with your little one.
7. Encourage through play. Allow your child to “just be.” Let him explore his surroundings. While at the play ground recently, I spoke with a nice mom whose active son was crawling up the slide instead of sliding down, landing bottom-first in the wood chips of feet-first, and getting soaked in the water sprinklers. I couldn’t count the number of times the mom yelled, “Don’t…, Stop…, and No… .” He being stifled from natrual exploration at every turn! Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen if I allow my child to do this?” Most of the time, it’s an innocent activity that develops problem-solving, socialization, and thinking skills. And, it’s just plain fun!
8. Be an observer. When children play, they act out their emotions and your reflection helps them understand how they feel. Babies won’t communicate directly to you most of the time and children may communicate “sideways” so you have to interprate their needs. My 3 year old said recently, “Mommy, I need a ring so I can go to work with you.” What she really meant was, “I can dress up just like you and go to work because I feel sad you leave me alone!” I did buy her a ring so we could play “going to work, but I also explored how much she missed me when I left. Now I say, “Sorry you can’t go to work with Mommy. I know you might miss me, and I will miss you, too. I’ll be home in just a little bit, and we will put a puzzle together, ok?” She feels reassured and comforted knowing I’ll return.
9. Understand milestones. When your 15-month old bangs her spoon on the table 50 times or your 2-year old refuses to sit still while at the dinner table, it’s not because she is disrespecting you, getting back at you, or trying to push your buttons. It’s because, well, those things are fun! And, she’s learning about her world. Young children don’t have the cogntive reasoning or skills we do, and it’s important for them to explore. Learning what’s appropriate at each age can help you laugh off what their doing instead of getting frustrated and annoyed.
10. Explain your reasons. Did you enjoy hearing your mom say, “Because I said so?” No, you didn’t. And just because your mom did it doesn’t mean you should do it, too! Talking to your child about why you did what you did, in words they can understand, helps build respect and trust. It also helps build language skills. In a loving way, your child learns problem-solving, cause and effect, and helps build a foundation for making smart decisions as they get older.
Developing a “secure base” for your child is key to successful relationships later in life. If you find yourself struggling with the 10 things above, it might be a good idea to explore why. Parenting is difficult, and I’d love to hear your view in the comments section below.
And remember, “When you have a baby you have five years of hard labor ahead of you. If you don’t get it over in the beginning, you’ve got it coming to you later on.” - Unknown
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photo credit: Alain Bachellier
“When you have a baby you have five years of hard labor ahead of you. If you don’t get it over in the beginning, you’ve got it coming to you later on.” - Unknown
This quote is my excuse for why, in September, I just cracked open the March issue of one of my favorite local parenting magazines (Dallas Child). And although I’ve never met the person who consistently drops off these gems, I always feel like a new present has arrived, and it’s my cue to indulge in fresh, inviting articles on topics most moms feel connected to (like easy summer vacations, how to organize, and where to meet other hip moms).
Just 5 minutes stood before me and my first client, so I wasn’t altogether prepared for the emotional welling-up I had while reading Hala Habal’s “first words” column. It was her “multiple personalities” (that is, her private discussions with herself) that drew me in, but it was ultimately her ponderings about parenting that compelled me to put fingers to keyboard.
“I wonder with my entire mind and heart what is fundamentally different in a mother’s chromosomes that just won’t allow her to let go and do the best she can,” Hala puzzled over. “We [moms] all just end up feeling generally bad. We feel bad when we are at work and not with our children; we feel bad when we are with our children that we are not at work.”
Hala wondered how it is that many dads put in two hours or less a day with their children, and seem to feel fine with that system.
Most working moms grapple with the guilt of not spending enough quality time with their children. Even stay-at-home moms feel like they aren’t doing their best. Still, there is something extraordinarily profound about the mother-child bond.
Adding to the frustration of parenting is the contradictory research on what it takes to raise happy, healthy, successful children.
As one researcher says, “When parents know what to expect of children they usually do the right thing.” Yet with so much conflicting information, it’s hard to know what children need.
Strong evidence suggests that the early mother-infant bond creates a blueprint for all other relationships throughout the lifespan. Speaking as a mom, this is pretty scary!
On the topic of infants attaching to their mothers, there are two important points to know:
1. All children have a need to attach to SOMEONE. This is usually mom, but it could also be dad, a nanny, grandma, or a child care provider. Also, attachment is hierachial, which means babies find one consistent figure to attach with, and all others follow. For instance, a nanny who spends more quality time with the infant/child than mom or dad may become the primary attachment figure for the child. The nanny is the child’s “go to” person.
2. Babies and children tend to attach to whoever spends the most quality time with them. The attachment figure (usually mom) is what’s called a “secure base.” This means that even though there may be many providers and people in the child’s life, the one person they ultimately feel most secure with is the person who they have come to trust and rely on above all else. Mostly, this is mom (but sometimes, as in the case above, it could be someone else).
In cases where children are put in low-quality daycare, for example, where employee turnover is high, AND there is no quality time at home, the child may not have anyone to attach to. The child doesn’t have a consistent “secure base.”
“They [Parents] may be dog-tired and consider themselves shorter-tempered than they could wish, but it is a great compensation to feel that they really matter, that no one else will do.” - John Bowlby
Not only do moms have an incredible, unexplainable desire to nurture their child, but the child himself has an innate need to feel nurtured. Their emotional well-being depends on this connection. And, as one psychologist points out, “85% of the brain is developed in the first 5 years.”
The time when children are most likely to have the most damaging effects of parental neglect is a time when some parents don’t put in the most quality time. I recall a friend telling me that after she picks her young daughter up from daycare around 5:30 she falls asleep. Her daughter wakes up to eat dinner, then goes to bed for the night. Inside, my heart ached, and I reflected, “It doesn’t sound like you get to spend that much time with her each day.” And she said non-chalantly, “About an hour and a half.”
Very extreme cases show the detrimental effects of being withheld love and affection – something babies learn to trust they’ll receive as a first developmental milestone.
In the case of Danielle, left in a dark, dank room from birth until age 6, severe neglect created what’s called a “feral child.” Danielle received food from a bottle and had shelter, but she was had no human touch. At 6 years old she didn’t make eye contact, weighed 46 pounds and gummed food like a baby. But Danielle wasn’t born that way! She has what some call “environmental autism.” (Read her story here.)
It’s hard to explain why some moms, like Danielle’s, don’t have the innate desire for connection other moms do (although perhaps we could look into their own childhood bonds for answers). But it is a guarantee that Danielle craved love, affection, and nurturing, and when she didn’t have it, she was starved an emotional death.
As moms, we feel such guilt when we aren’t with our children because we instinctively know that we (and we alone) are their “go to” person. We are their “secure base.”
We are who they turn to when they are frightened, shy, unsure, confused, and when they are in need of hugs, talks, eye-gazing, and warmth. Playing legos and tracing letters for hours on end can be pure BOREDOM (it is for me, I admit!). But it’s not just the rote behavior that’s taking place – it’s the attachment. It’s the connection BEHIND the tower-building, finger-painting, and doll-bathing sessions. We crave it as much as they do because we know it’s what they NEED.
On my drive home from work today, like Hala and many others, I shifted quickly from “psychotherapist” to “mom” (from dress slacks and tailored hair to t-shirts and pony-tail). As expected, when I walked in the house one of my toddlers ran to me yelling, “MOMMY!!!” with outstretched arms.
I braced myself for the CRASH I’d feel when she flung her arms around me that would inevitably throw me back. Fresh on my mind was both my last client who felt lonely and unloved since her mom died at a young age, as well as the ponderings of Hala Habal.
I had the thought while in my daughter’s embrace, “How long is she going to continue squeezing me?” It seemed to linger on for quite sometime, but I quickly answered myself, “As long as she needs to.” It was about 7 minutes. And probably the best 7 minutes of her day. And mine. We both needed that.
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Guest post by Leo Babuta at Zen Habits.“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.” - C.G. Jung
If you’re a hyperparent, you might not even know it — we parents tend to be in denial about that sort of thing.
But if you are, you might want to learn to relax — for your kids’ sake, and for yours.
Hyperparents are spotted when they are trying to educate their child from the womb, and expose them to the most intellectually stimulating music and art and literature before the kid can crawl. They obsess over everything, from whether the child is learning fast enough to how safe every single thing is to every little scrape and bruise. They are overprotective, overbearing, overwhelming to the child.
I admit, I was a hyperparent once, and still can be sometimes. It’s a habit I’m trying to break, with some success.
And for those of you who are hyperparents, and will admit it if only to yourselves, I’d like to share some things I’ve learned, in hopes that it’ll help.
Be forewarned that some of these suggestions take a very different approach to parenting than the traditional methods — I’m not suggesting everyone follow them, especially if you’re not willing to break with traditions. What I am suggesting is that these methods will help you relax, will help your child feel freer and less controlled and more able to explore and learn on her own, and could possibly result in a better relationship with your child and a happier child overall. I don’t have proof of that yet, but I have a strong hunch based on how my kids react when I do these things right.
1. When you get angry, pick them up and hug them. Instead of scolding or spanking or time outs or other controlling methods, try love. It’s a much better response, and you’re teaching your child through your actions rather than your words.
2. Make this your mantra: treat them with kindness, treat them with respect. Seems simple, but it’s surprising how little respect we give to kids, because they’re kids.
3. Drop your expectations of the child. Often parents have high hopes of the child doing well academically, or in sports, or of becoming a professional, when that’s not what the child wants. Or the parent hopes the child will be a certain type of person, and tries to steer the child toward that — a mild, kind child, or a bright, cheerful child, or a studious, hard-working child — but that’s not who the child is. Drop these expectations, and celebrate the child, as she is.
4. Let her play, let her explore. Stop being so overprotective. Allow the kid to be a kid. Let her run around outside, ride a bike, explore nature, play with fire. Teach her, of course, about safety and dangers, but let her be a kid.
5. Say yes, or some version of yes. Instead of saying no. Often parents have an instinct to say no. But this is controlling and stressful, to both child and parent. Stop trying to control the child, and give him some freedom. That doesn’t mean you can say yes all the time, because you have needs too, but it does mean you can say “Yes, we can do that … but perhaps later, when I’m done with what I have to do now.”
6. Stop trying to overeducate, and get out of the way. Parents try to impart all kinds of knowledge on kids. So do schools. But kids learn naturally, without us. Get out of the way, stop trying to force the kid to learn what you think he needs to learn. Encourage him to explore, and read, and figure stuff out. Get him excited about things. When he’s excited about something, he’ll learn. When you force it on him, he’ll do what he’s forced to do, but not learn much other than you’re controlling.
7. Just focus on making the next interaction with them positive. Many of these changes are difficult to make for parents, as we have deeply ingrained habits, stemming from our own childhood. So just focus on the next interaction. Just try to make the next one a good one. Don’t worry about when you screw up — just apologize if you’ve broken a trust, and move on.
8. Take a moment to pause, and see things from your child’s perspective. If you get angry, it’s because you’re only seeing things from your perspective. The child has a completely different view of things, and if you can understand that view, you won’t be mad at the child. You’ll try to make things better for her.
9. If the kid is “acting up”, try to figure out why, and meet that need. Often it’s a need for freedom, or attention, or love, or to be in control of his own life. Figure out what that need is, and find a more productive way to meet it.
10. The kid is already perfect as he is. You don’t need to change him. You don’t need to mold him into the perfect person. He’s already perfect, just as he is.
And now, relax. Enjoy every moment with your child, because they are too few, too impermanent. Trust me — my oldest daughter is 16, and I can’t believe how fast her childhood has come and gone. Cherish this time with them, and make every moment a good one. You’ll never regret those moments of happiness, those moments when you said yes, when you let your child play, when you stopped controlling and started loving.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” - Red Buttons
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