Archive for the ‘Marriage and Relationships’ Category
One of my favorite websites is one called Zero to Three. It’s a website dedicated purely to the research and development of children from conception through the age of three years.
My first inclination that I wanted to be in the helping profession was in Middle School. I grew up in a small town in West Texas that had basically only two groups of people: popular and not popular. I suppose a third group would be those teetering between those two – some days your “in” and some days you’re very “out”. I was that person. I teetered.
The problem with teetering though, is that all people want to belong somewhere. It’s human nature to want to be part of a group. To have comradere. To have people looking out for you and being your support system. Growing up, I’m not sure I felt like I had that. I lived in an “unsure” world.
My middle school experience I had was inherited from my early childhood development. How I learned to trust, be independent, and take up for myself against bullies was part of my foundational learned style. Couple that learned development with my personality trait of being very emotional and it led to some ill-equipped coping skills at a young age.
Understanding what is developmentally appropriate at any age is essential to parenting. In later years, it’s essential to change.
We all want to know why we do some of the crazy stuff we do. And, in order to know, we must look back in time at those early years. Robert Karen wrote a great book on the topic of relationships. He says, and others said before him, that early relationships shape our capacity to love.
Let’s think about this… ALL early relationships shape how we enter into any relationship – friendship, spousal, work – in the future. That’s huge!
We’re born with a temperament style (cranky, happy-go-lucky, easy). Environment acts on that temperament, adding to what we’re born with and creating layers upon layers of learned behavior.
It’s important that early caregivers understand their baby and child’s temperament because this dramatically affects parenting style. We’ve all heard parents who say, “I parenting my children exactly the same, so I don’t know why Jason ended up so different and in trouble all the time!” Well, that’s why. Jason isn’t like Jill. They must be parented differently.
As we move through life and have difficulties in certain areas, we have to take a look back in time and ask ourselves where we got stuck. What did we learn about ourselves and the world around us, even if by accident?
A good friend tells the story set on a hot summer day in South Texas, a small house with had no air conditioning (think 110 degrees!). She recalls lying her her head in her mother’s lap, resting there a minute and feeling so warm, snug, and secure. But within a few seconds her mother said, “You’re making me hot!” and made her move.
As an adult, we can understand this scenario, right? Extremely hot, child in lap, mom MERELY saying she’s hot. But as a child, what she took away from this transaction was, “I don’t want to be close to you!” One small translation, with no follow-up from Mom (this is key), and a message looms 20 years later: ”You’re a burden.”
This may all sound simplistic on the surface, sure. But digging deeper helps us realize WHY we inherit our learned messages. And when we understand those, we can begin to unravel and relearn.
What is your first childhood memory? What experiences do you feel shaped you most? Do those core messages haunt you? Let’s talk about it in the “comment” section below…
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Like a deer in headlights.
That’s how Mom looked when I asked, simply, “How do you show your son love?”
There was a looooooong pause. Blinking. Total befuddlement. I waited. Waited. Waited. Then she said, “I’ve just been so angry at him lately. He intentionlly does things that make me mad. I can’t show him love right now.”
Excuse me? You can’t do what? Because your son is acting like a mad man, you can’t show him love? (You know the kind of “mad man” behavior I’m talking about, right? The kind that screams, “SHOW ME ATTENTION!!!”)
Ok, here’s the thing. Kids are none of these things: vindictive, out to get you, or purposely pissing you off. And, as parents, we must, must, MUST separate the PERSON from the BEHAVIOR in our kids. If we can love our kids without putting conditions on that love, the behavior won’t be NEAR as bad. In fact, some of their craziness may stop altogether.
This story makes me angry. Really angry.
My last post listed ways to raise a happy, healthy, and secure child. One of the ways to know your child doesn’t fit into that category is if he consistenly acts like a 2-year old let loose in rain puddles! His environment affects the his behavior in big ways. I know I’ll tick off some parents who read this, but it’s a statement I’m willing to stand by and back up.
In a response to my earlier post, one commenter wrote, “I knew my dad loved me, but…” Stop right there.
As an adult you can logically and rationally deduce that your father loved you because he did X, Y, and Z (fed you, clothed you, and worked hard for the family for example). But as a child, you didn’t think that way. Your daydreams didn’t sound anything like the ponderings we have as adults.
Children don’t deduce the way you can now. As a child, missing out on the nurturing, tenderness, and hugs may have sent the message that you weren’t lovable.
What if you didn’t receive those things as a child? How would you know?
There are several clues that may tell you if you received the “your love didn’t come free” message as a child. Check for these signs in your life:
- Frequent arguments in your marriage
- Yelling, fighting, and uncontrollable children
- Unstable job history and/or frequent unhappiness
- Chronic bouts of depression or anxiety
- Lack of supportive friendships
- Feeling out of control or wronged a lot of the time
- Chronic lack of self-esteem and self-confidence
If you find yourself stuck in adulthood feeling unhappy, unhealthy, and insecure, you might need to revisit your own inner child. Your little guy (or little girl) is waiting to be loved.
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photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar (not much online)
Reader’s Question : I am tired of feeling inferior to others, and would like to increase my self esteem. My husband, whom I love a great deal, also has very low self esteem. The only thing he is confident about is his worthlessness. I find that part of him unattractive and even more worse, that he plays the role of victim rather than working on improving himself. Furthermore, I find myself attracted to confident men, and even though I’d never betray my husband, I’m wondering why I am so attracted to them. Is it so I can get my “fix” from them, or am I leaning on them because it’s something I lack in myself?
My Take: This is a great question. Most of us want to know why we pick the partners we do, and later, we want to know we why find ourselves then attracted to someone who is totally opposite from our mate. This is very common, and also very frustrating!
Many clues are hidden in our past. One theory says our earliest relationships creates a “blueprint” for all subsequent relationships in our lives. “Earliest” means before the age of 3 years old – a time most of us don’t even remember!
Low self-esteem and being drawn to those who are confident and strong-willed can be clues into those early relationships with primary caregivers. In fact, adults give clues into their childhood all the time. The theory is called: Attachment. The question to ask is, “Was I securely attached to my primary caregiver?”
Secure versus Insecure Attachment
This theory is highly debated, but it’s also extensively researched and hard to dispute. When a child is born, how parents choose to interact with the child (and the child’s temperment) sets the stage for success or failure in many relationships to come. There are three types of attachment:
1. Secure Attachment. The child who is securely attached seeks comfort and reassurance from their primary caregiver, and they get it. Children feel secure knowing they can explore the world around them, and when they become frightened, they will always have their primary caregiver to take care of them – sometimes called a “secure base”. Securely attached children develop trust in their environment and primary caregiver, and as an adult they trust their partners and people they get into relationships with. Securely attached children have secure relationships as a general rule.
2. Avoidant Attachment. This child has an environment that is unstable. Meaning, they can’t be sure if mom will reassure and comfort them when in need or not. Sometimes Mom will be there, sometimes she won’t. Sometimes she’ll “blow up” when frustrated and angry, and not tend to her child’s needs, and sometimes she is calm, cool, collected and picks up the child when in distress. The child learns that he can’t trust his primary caregiver. He never knows if Mom will be available to him or not, and soon he simply stops trying. As an adult, this person can have very low expectations and learn not to seek assistance from those around them. Or in the extreme opposite, this person may have expectations of others that are too high and they develop a grandiose “I don’t need help, I can do it all!” mentality.
3. Ambivalant Attachment. This child had a parent that was passive and who failed to understand the importance of emotional connection. Mom may have provided basic needs – food, shelter, clothing – but the closeness needed that builds trust in a child isn’t there. As an adult, this person is extremely lonely. They are afraid to get close to others, and they worry the people in their lives won’t stay with them because they don’t really love them. The adult that is insecurely attached becomes too obsessive and depended on key people in their lives, deathly afraid of them leaving.
As we try to ask hard questions in our life like, “Why am I like this?, Why did I choose this partner?, Why is my partner like that?, and How can I change so I feel better?” it might be a good exercise to examine those early attachments.
As humans, we never outgrow the need for unconditional love, respect, and positive regard. There is never a time that we don’t need to be “parented”, and for those who missed out on these key emotional needs as a baby and young child, it’s a lifelong struggle to try to achieve just that – it looks very much like low self-esttem (as the above reader questions), depression, hopelessness, anxiety and fear.
This reader, wondering why she is so attracted to “confident and secure” men might get her question answered as she thinks back to her early parental relationship.
- Did she feel she could depend on her mom?
- Did mom instill confidence and security, allowing her to freely explore her surroundings, or did she get shamed when she did so?
- Does my longing for confidence and security in my current partner suggest I didn’t have it growing up?
Being securely attached has strong implications as an adult, but even stronger for a parent. Our children are the adults of the future, and we want them to feel unconditional love, security, respect, and nurturing. As an adult, as yourself how you can now get that (especially if it was missed in childhood). And if you’re a parent, ask yourself, “How can I most instill this in my child?” Or better yet… “How can I give this to my inner child, now?”
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photo credit: victoriapeckham
I have a confession to make. But before I reveal my secret in full, which will surely prompt you to click away from this article altogether, I’ll give a snippet of my revelation meant only as a way to entice you to keep reading (I admit).
Reality TV (stay with me) is a psychotherapists DREAM. Riveted by the personalities that are thrown together for the sake of a good storyline, I turn into “analyze” mode instantaneously. Think “evangelical mom meets pagan dad” in Wife Swap. Or, “bachelor seeks wife in 8 weeks by eliminating 25 bachelorettes one by one” in The Bachelor.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know why these are such popular shows: the conflicts and confrontations alone have people clamoring to see what’s going to happen next! I engage in my own eye-rolling, heavy sighs, and advice throwing, wishing they could hear me through the television screen!
Yes, I love reality television. But my big confession has me a bit embarrassed and ashamed. Among my new reality show listing is “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” DON’T CLICK AWAY!
At first I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with this show. Having twins of my own, the thought of giving birth to six more sent me into almost hysterics. (If you don’t know the premise of the show, here’s a quick synopsis: Jon and Kate have twins. Five years later, they have sextuplets (that’s the “8” part). A camera now lives with the couple and their house full of kids, filming their every move.)
Their life in and of itself is of no interest to me. As I said, I do good to keep my own home in line: “Terry & Jen Plus 2.” We have enough drama of our own.
But the reason I tuned in recently is because of the announcement that this two parents are getting divorced. (I know, sick.) There were rumors of affairs, and of the parents abandoning their kids to run off for full weeks with their lovers – all the great aspects of a reality show I DREAM of analyzing till my own head is shrinking.
What I quickly came to understand about this couple is something many people no doubt see who aren’t even therapists: These two can’t see the forest for the trees! But even sadder – this is a common state seen on a weekly basis in my private consultation office.
There are moments when I have an individual or a couple in front of me, and I have to stop myself from blurting out, “DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT YOU SAID?” And, as some of my clients could attest, I HAVE said it, in fact! I’ve even gone as far as videotaping my couples, sending them home with the assignment to examine their own behaviors and words in conversation.
It Takes Two
Being the follower I am now (in the midst of adversity, sadness and chaos, I admit), I immediately clicked over to Kate’s interview on the “Today” show as Meredith interviewed her. If I’d had the producer’s number handy, I would have dialed straight away BEGGING to have just 3 hours alone with these two. The conversation went something like this:
Meredith (News Anchor): “Being that marriage and divorce is a two way street, what role do you think you played, if any?”
Kate: “Nobody’s perfect. Obviously it takes two, but I don’t know. What would I change? I don’t know to be honest.”
(It doesn’t SEEM like you think it’s obvious, Kate.)
This is the problem, friends. And it’s not just a problem with Jon and Kate, but goodness sake I do wish they could figure it out so millions could all learn from it!
Yes, I know what you could be saying: Sometimes it just CAN’T be worked out. TRUE! I will agree with that. But an epidemic among deteriorating couples is the failure to realize that problems, no matter how big or small, are the cause of BOTH people in a relationship. Two people have to change in this marriage.
Marital therapy is about working on yourself individually so that you can join your spouse as a whole, healthy person. With even one person in the relationship unable to take a look at herself in a full-length mirror to examine their own faults, puts the marriage at risk for difficulty, if not divorce.
Nevermind my sickening obsession with reality TV and what draws me to it (that’s for another post). The point is here is this: Any conflict in ANY relationship – spouse, partner, friend, boss, children – has two parties to blame. Being able to take personal responsibility for your part is incredibly important.
Acceptance Paradox
There’s an idea called “Acceptance Paradox” which says essentially, instead of defending yourself against someone you feel has wronged you, accept the truth in the criticism, admit your wrongs, and accept them.
It’s in our nature to want to defend ourselves when we are told we are to “blame” in a situation. But there is no blame here – only personal responsibility. Personal responsibility means simply, accepting the “grain of truth” in the criticism and in the failings of the relationship.
For Jon and Kate Gosselin of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” personal responsibility would mean accepting the truth of what caused the breakup of the union. It means coming to terms with the fact that there are things each of them could have done to change the course of this relationship. Had this happened early on (and maybe even now?) perhaps they wouldn’t be splitting up.
Unfortunately, Jon and Kate are examples to many of us, and their kids will be examples of what it’s like to come from a broken home. Through their weekly shows, there no doubt were signs of failure. Was Kate listening when Jon told him how he felt and what he needed? Did Jon accept his own responsibility when Kate complained to Jon? Clearly, neither of them did this (not enough to save the marriage).
Our job throughout our own lives is to take responsibility for our own failings in our relationships. It’s then and only then that we become healthy, happy individuals, capable of having a healthy, happy relationships, including marriage.
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When relationships are at their best we are like teenagers on a rollercoaster ride. We are excited, our heart is racing, we are anticipating, “the ride of a lifetime.”
Every moment of a “relationship roller coaster” ride is filled with a new rush. As we do with the rollercoaster, so do we with relationships in that we are in position to take a risk. Granted it, it might be something you like and want to continue to do or not, and once you have had enough you want off or out. We trust the rollercoaster ride to keep us safe, secure, and not hurt us. In spite of all the twists and turns when the ride evens back out we are still intact.
Sometimes in life we have fastened out seat beats for a relationship rollercoaster ride that is meant to last forever and it goes wrong. As exciting as it was on the way up, the trip down takes on its own personality. Once the descent starts, it often times feels like it will never end.
When we are able to catch our breath we think, “What was I thinking getting on this ride?”
Now throughout the ride, between the twists and turns we reconsider staying in the relationship. The ride operator gives us just those couple of seconds that is takes to rebuild the confidence to take that next hill. In a relationship gone bad we continue to experience the disappointment of the downward spiral the relationship has taken. At what point do you get off? At what point do you decide that you don’t have to go through this? When do you notice that the people around you are having fun and you are not? What has happened in our lives that allow us to settle in relationships?
Here are signs it is time to get off your “relationship rollercoaster”:
- When you feel your emotional needs are never being met
- The relationship becomes physically or emotionally abusive
- The “warm fuzzy” feelings you had are gone
- You find your self disconnected from friends and family
- You feel like an empty shell of your former self and have lost all of yourself esteem
- You notice you have compromised your beliefs, ambitions, and core values.
Relationships take on many forms. We have relationships with parents, children, friends, significant others and even the clerk at the grocery store. There is a saying that “friendships are meant for a reason, season, or a lifetime.” The tough part is figuring out which is which. Managing the change that relationships produce can be challenging and one that counseling can prove helpful.
Patrice Dunn M.Ed., LPC is the presenter of the “Relationship Rollercoaster” workshop. For additional information on upcoming workshops feel free to contact her at patrice@ichoosechange.com.
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