Archive for the ‘Family Time’ Category
photo credit: victoriapeckham
I have a confession to make. But before I reveal my secret in full, which will surely prompt you to click away from this article altogether, I’ll give a snippet of my revelation meant only as a way to entice you to keep reading (I admit).
Reality TV (stay with me) is a psychotherapists DREAM. Riveted by the personalities that are thrown together for the sake of a good storyline, I turn into “analyze” mode instantaneously. Think “evangelical mom meets pagan dad” in Wife Swap. Or, “bachelor seeks wife in 8 weeks by eliminating 25 bachelorettes one by one” in The Bachelor.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know why these are such popular shows: the conflicts and confrontations alone have people clamoring to see what’s going to happen next! I engage in my own eye-rolling, heavy sighs, and advice throwing, wishing they could hear me through the television screen!
Yes, I love reality television. But my big confession has me a bit embarrassed and ashamed. Among my new reality show listing is “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” DON’T CLICK AWAY!
At first I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with this show. Having twins of my own, the thought of giving birth to six more sent me into almost hysterics. (If you don’t know the premise of the show, here’s a quick synopsis: Jon and Kate have twins. Five years later, they have sextuplets (that’s the “8” part). A camera now lives with the couple and their house full of kids, filming their every move.)
Their life in and of itself is of no interest to me. As I said, I do good to keep my own home in line: “Terry & Jen Plus 2.” We have enough drama of our own.
But the reason I tuned in recently is because of the announcement that this two parents are getting divorced. (I know, sick.) There were rumors of affairs, and of the parents abandoning their kids to run off for full weeks with their lovers – all the great aspects of a reality show I DREAM of analyzing till my own head is shrinking.
What I quickly came to understand about this couple is something many people no doubt see who aren’t even therapists: These two can’t see the forest for the trees! But even sadder – this is a common state seen on a weekly basis in my private consultation office.
There are moments when I have an individual or a couple in front of me, and I have to stop myself from blurting out, “DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT YOU SAID?” And, as some of my clients could attest, I HAVE said it, in fact! I’ve even gone as far as videotaping my couples, sending them home with the assignment to examine their own behaviors and words in conversation.
It Takes Two
Being the follower I am now (in the midst of adversity, sadness and chaos, I admit), I immediately clicked over to Kate’s interview on the “Today” show as Meredith interviewed her. If I’d had the producer’s number handy, I would have dialed straight away BEGGING to have just 3 hours alone with these two. The conversation went something like this:
Meredith (News Anchor): “Being that marriage and divorce is a two way street, what role do you think you played, if any?”
Kate: “Nobody’s perfect. Obviously it takes two, but I don’t know. What would I change? I don’t know to be honest.”
(It doesn’t SEEM like you think it’s obvious, Kate.)
This is the problem, friends. And it’s not just a problem with Jon and Kate, but goodness sake I do wish they could figure it out so millions could all learn from it!
Yes, I know what you could be saying: Sometimes it just CAN’T be worked out. TRUE! I will agree with that. But an epidemic among deteriorating couples is the failure to realize that problems, no matter how big or small, are the cause of BOTH people in a relationship. Two people have to change in this marriage.
Marital therapy is about working on yourself individually so that you can join your spouse as a whole, healthy person. With even one person in the relationship unable to take a look at herself in a full-length mirror to examine their own faults, puts the marriage at risk for difficulty, if not divorce.
Nevermind my sickening obsession with reality TV and what draws me to it (that’s for another post). The point is here is this: Any conflict in ANY relationship – spouse, partner, friend, boss, children – has two parties to blame. Being able to take personal responsibility for your part is incredibly important.
Acceptance Paradox
There’s an idea called “Acceptance Paradox” which says essentially, instead of defending yourself against someone you feel has wronged you, accept the truth in the criticism, admit your wrongs, and accept them.
It’s in our nature to want to defend ourselves when we are told we are to “blame” in a situation. But there is no blame here – only personal responsibility. Personal responsibility means simply, accepting the “grain of truth” in the criticism and in the failings of the relationship.
For Jon and Kate Gosselin of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” personal responsibility would mean accepting the truth of what caused the breakup of the union. It means coming to terms with the fact that there are things each of them could have done to change the course of this relationship. Had this happened early on (and maybe even now?) perhaps they wouldn’t be splitting up.
Unfortunately, Jon and Kate are examples to many of us, and their kids will be examples of what it’s like to come from a broken home. Through their weekly shows, there no doubt were signs of failure. Was Kate listening when Jon told him how he felt and what he needed? Did Jon accept his own responsibility when Kate complained to Jon? Clearly, neither of them did this (not enough to save the marriage).
Our job throughout our own lives is to take responsibility for our own failings in our relationships. It’s then and only then that we become healthy, happy individuals, capable of having a healthy, happy relationships, including marriage.
Popularity: 25% [?]
One of the first things I do when working with a client is ask them about their support group. From friends, family, spouse, co-workers, church members, and others, I want to know who around this client knows what’s going on with them, and will support them no matter what.
Usually, I’m met with a “deer-in-headlights” look.
Rarely do clients want to take their “therapy issue” to their support system. Spouses may know an angry side of the problem, but that’s not REALLY knowing. But who helps us keep balanced?
By REALLY knowing someone, I’m talking about the core of that person. The person that has such a bad day that you >> More..
Popularity: 75% [?]
EDITORS NOTE: This is a guest post from Patrice Dunn, M.Ed., LPC.
I remember people asking, “Did you get your driving license from the Cracker Jack box? Funny, right? Well how about, “Where did you learn to parent, TV?” I can remember watching TV when I was young and wishing I lived like the Brady’s or that I had an Aunt Bea like Opie on the Andy Griffith Show. When I was mischievous like Beaver Cleaver or Dennis the Menace I could only wish that my dad was >> More..
Popularity: 39% [?]
“Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team”
Doesn’t it sometimes feel like this is what we’ll just have to do, in order to make it all WORK?
We’re all busy with work, family, kids, and social lives. We also engage in a balancing act between all the roles we play in our lives.
As we’re pulled in many directions on a daily basis, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to focus on what REALLY matters? What if you could design your life so that you spend just the right amount of time, in just the right way, so that you could stop feeling like a tug-of-war rope, and even have time for yourself?
The essentials of a happy life are fewer than we think, if we are able to find the right balance between time and quality.
Quality or Quantity? What’s most important for a healthy family?
Please voice your thoughts in the comments section.
Popularity: 42% [?]
