Archive for the ‘Empowerment’ Category
Editor’s note: I originally posted this in October 2008. Now, one year later, I’m revisiting authenticity. Enjoy!
I have found it – the definition of authenticity! Sure, there are plenty of Toms, Dicks, and Harrys out there who claim to know all about “authentic” life styles. They say, “Listen to me. I can guide you to happiness!” Then they charge you an arm and a leg. But I think I have found the real definition of authenticity. Here it is, for free I might add. (You’re welcome!)
It comes by way of Brian Goldman, a graduate student at the University of Georgia in Athens. He was digging through centuries-old research and philosophy when he uncovered what I think is a pretty great definition:
“The unimpeded operations of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”
Ohhh … pretty! How simple and sweet is that, huh?
I agree completely with it too, which you probably already knew because I’ve been using the same definition of authenticity for quite sometime now.
Another one of my favorites is Neil Lark Warren’s 10 Characteristics in Finding Contentment. I’ve also recently been struck by so-called physical acts of authenticity, which the authors outlined in a newer issue of Psychology Today.
These physical acts of authenticity are:
1. Meditate. Think of it only as a way to get to your “happy place,” not a technique to influence outside forces. For instance, why do you work? To earn money to buy pretty things. Why do you meditate? To achieve internal happiness. I can handle that.
2. Be Deliberate. Be conscious that you have choices. You can choose to change (lol–”I choose change!”), or you can choose to stick with what you have. You can choose to move forward, go backward, or do nothing at all. Being deliberate simply means acting consciously, with purpose.
3. Act Intuitively. Sure, you got me; this runs counter to No. 2. But as we’ve talked about before, acting consciously can sometimes be detrimental when too much rationalizing and reasoning gets in the way of your gut feelings. Don’t be afraid to follow your instincts. They’re there to guide you forward.
4. Create Solitude. There’s nothing like shutting down–on purpose–so you can recharge. We’re talking power down your blackberry, shut your door, turn off the TV and the laptop, and provide yourself the space to just thing and be. Authentic people regularly look inside and listen to their intuition, but they can’t do this with all the chaos of the modern world swirling around them.
5. Stay Connected. Thomas Moore, author of A Life at Work, says, “Community is an outlook toward life in which you define yourself in relation to the world around you, rather than only in connection with yourself.” Community, he is saying, is a way to enlarge our own sense of self.
6. Play Hard. Don’t hold back when doing what you really love, whether it’s tennis, running, art, dancing. It allows you to fully express who you are at your core.
7. Be Willing to Lose. Authentic people know that failure is part of growing. You must be willing to stare down your failures, learn from them, and move forward if you are to live an authentic life.
I take no credit for the above definitions. But I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of taking personal responsibility for life’s challenges. That means peering inside for answers on why we do what we do, feel what we feel, and think what we think. It’s only through an authentic life that we can look internally, and take personal responsibility. Personal responsibility is the genius of change!
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“We cannot change our childhood. We can make sense of what has been repressed and forgotten…If we remain conscious of ourselves and of the pull of early models, even if hang-ups of various kinds remain, as inevitably they must, we have a better chance of creating satisfying relationships with our mates and secure relationships with our children…we are only doomed to repeat what has not been remembered, reflected upon, and worked through.” - Robert Karen
Our relationships are reflections of our true self. The adage “you are who your friends are” is true. However, we aren’t who our friends are because they are shaping us, it’s because they are a reflection of who we feel most comfortable with.
If our earliest bonds dictate, in many ways, the health of future relationships, then our current ones with our friends, coworkers and spouse can be the best reflection of our greatest challenges. In fact, when you have no friends at all, and can’t seem to play nice with people, being self-reflective is your best bet in knowing why it seems nobody likes you.
For example, you hear yourself say something like, “She is so stuck up with those dagger eyes and speaks in that whiney know-it-all voice!” has no self-reflection at all. It is “other-blame” – you are merely stating your perception of someone else instead of considering how you may have created this situation.
Instead, open up to the possibility that this situation isn’t what you’ve just imagined. That she didn’t have dagger eyes and a whiney know-it-all voice. And, if she does, why does it cut to your core? What “buttons” were pushed in you? It’s obvious you feel wronged in some way, but why?
The gap between blaming someone else and mulling over what you feel is where the likelihood of change lies.
Change happens while you practice new behaviors with someone you trust. This is, in a sense, recreating the safe, trusting relationship you missed in your early years. Below are seven ways a counselor and counseling relationship provides a snug, stable backdrop for your personal remodeling:
1. Models a close relationship. The relationship with your therapist should be one of the healthiest you have with clear boundaries, trust, kindness, and respect. If you can’t be close and honest here, then why on earth would you spend time and money to go through such a challenging process anyway?
2. Teaches how to mull over your true personality. Knowing and stating how you fee, no matter how embarrassing, fearful, or angering is tough! But pondering your private inner-life teaches how to recognize your feelings, and teaches self-expression and reflection.
3. Provides “mothering” not received in childhood. Your therapist should accept you without judgment. Providing unconditional nurturing and acceptance mirrors your redeming qualities, which builds self-esteem, self-confidence, and greater self-awareness – all things you may not have received unconditionally in childhood.
4. Navigates unchartered waters with a little pressure. “Nudging” you forward and into new behaviors is ultimately what creates change – your therapist will do that (and if they don’t, find someone who will!). Breaking old habits takes encouragement, guidance, love and a healthy dose of arm-twisting!
5. Helps face unattractive details of your personality. Holding yourself accountable in strained friendships and other relationships is uncomfortable. And in fact, it’s easier to find those who will gladly jump on your “negative bandwagon” than it is to find someone who can be honest about your true behavior. Your counselor helps you face the negative aspects of yourself that you’ve been avoiding.
6. ”Shields” you from the outside world so you can practice new behaviors and emotions, in ways you weren’t comfortable doing before. Your counselor encourages you to discuss your feelings, perceptions, and fears – the ones you’ve felt comfortable showing before.
7. Provides a “retreat” from the outside world where all feelings are accepted, and do not create barriers to self-expression. Change depends upon self-reflection. Being able to openly state how you feel and what your opinions are is important. Your counselor can be the person you bounce ideas off of.
Ok, so I admit – “nobody” is an extreme word and it’s unlikely that “nobody” likes you in the world. But sometimes it can feel that way! When friends, coworkers and spousal relationships are strained, you are to blame – at least in part.
Change is tough. Even if you have a stroke of insight into your inner life, it doesn’t mean you’ll change your behavior because you feel too vulnerable and unsure. The relationship you have with your counselor, coach, “A friends” and spouse – if they are healthy and secure – can help with your personality reconstruction.
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In my most recent article, I wrote about the “Acceptance Paradox” providing the sample case of Jon and Kate from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. (I won’t be upset if you clicked away.) I feel the need to drive home this concept a bit more, and I think you’ll find value, too so stick with me!
This topic was first introducted to me in David Burn’s book “Feeling Good Together.” Although called by a different name, the concept is the same: Instead of putting up a defense against your own or other’s criticisms and complaints of you, you find some truth in the statements and accept them.
Common tools used to combat negative emotions such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety assume the preceding negative thoughts are illogical so you should talk back to them. (For example: ”No, I’m not worthless. I am successful, happy, and my life is just as it should be.) This is a “talk to the hand” technique making it acceptable to refute all bad thoughts and criticisms of others. It’s a self-protection technique – a defense to your psyche and some could say, even denial. And, I would add, in some cases, needed.
Acceptance Paradox is about taking responsibility. It is about asking these questions and making these assertions:
- “Is there some truth in the criticism?
- “What can I learn from it?”
- “Can I accept the fact that my performance was not up to par?”
- “I have many deficiencies. I am a human being and I am quite flawed.”
“Ten Days to Self-Esteem” uses this technique beautifully. At the root of all anxieties, depression, fear, anger and guilt lies some degree of a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Using the Accpetance Paradox, in my view, is a powerful step in self-acceptance and crucial to personal developement and growth.
Within your own relationships – friendships, marriage, business, and otherwise – how can this technique help you grow? How can you become a better friend, spouse, and employee by accepting the truth of your behaviors? And, doesn’t it feel powerful to take a step back, and examine yourself in a full length mirror? What you know about yourself consciously, you can change – that is power.
In the case of Kate (from my previous article), it is painful to hear her say “I don’t know” when asked the question of what she could have changed in her marriage. But it’s a lesson we can all learn.
“I don’t know” is a cop-out. It is a barrier between reality and the unknown. If the assumption is “yes, I do know, let me figure it out…” then take a step back, examine, and identify reality. And if you don’t like reality, change it. This is the Acceptance Paradox.
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It’s no secret… the economy isn’t exactly booming. And while I think we may have stabalized a bit, I am hearing many say their stress and anxiety levels are still on the rise!
I heard myself say on more than one occasion since the economy start floundering that I was secretly glad so many people were having to change their lifestyles. The cat’s out of the bag now! But here’s why I feel more positive when others are feeling the stress: I see golden opportunities!
Whether you’re one who has lost your job or not, like many others you may have decided to tweak some things in your personal life just a bit. And while I don’t advocate taking a “just in case” stance, I do think there are steps we can take that reap HUGE rewards in our personal lives during ANY economic climate. Here are a few ideas:
- Spend more time with family. Many claim to be in disparate need of life balance, eager to spend more time at home with family, but most don’t walk that talk. When forced to act because of a lay off or downsize, some don’t know quite what to do with themselves. I can’t think of one negative thing associated with some good, quality time with the family. Can you?
- Find pleasure in small things. If you’ve decided to downsize, keeping a “wealth plan” (what others may call a “budget”) means getting creative so you won’t feel deprived. Joy in small things can bring a renewed sense of spirit and energy! Take your dog for an extra long walk. Play games with your spouse and kids. Air up the tires and go for a spin on your bike. Watch a family movie that everyone enjoys. Finding pleasure in small things can be very inexpensive, while providing incredible mental health rewards!
- Eating in and being healthier. When I was growing up, eating out was considered a real treat! It was only on special occasions like a birthday, graduation, or some other celebration that we saw the inside of a restaurant. Today, my family eats out way more than I care to put in black and white! In fact, most families I know eat out more than they should, which means we aren’t as healthy as we could be. Eating in not only brings us closer to family (”a family that eats together, stays together”), but it helps our “bottom” line as well!
- Picking up a new hobby. I mentioned that I crochet to a friend the other day, and was was met with a chuckle. If you’re new to my blog, that fact may lead you to believe I’m eligible for a senior discount. Nope! I’m just someone who has found an extra hobby I enjoy! Think of a new hobby you’d like to try like painting, knitting, bocce ball, horseshoes, gardening, web design, writing, or any number of things. The sky’s the limit!
- Working on personal development. What better time to work on your state of mind than now? Mental health development is a lot like physical development: when you begin a new exercise program, you aren’t going to notice much change. But over time, you will begin to see the fruits of your labor. You feel stronger, more self-confident, and more powerful! So, while you’ve got more time on your hands, and whether you’re stressed and anxious or not, use this time to start a new journal, read a new self-help book, begin a new coaching program, or start your own support group.
There are many ways to stay connected, feel supported, and gain insight during good and bad economic times. And if this is a time that propels you to do things differently in your life, bravo!
(Warning, shamless plug coming up!) There are several ways I’m eager to help my clients during these times. And, if you’ve thought about hiring a personal coach or counselor, but think you may not have the funds for it, think again.
There is no time like the present to work on bettering yourself. Here are a few things to consider:
- Join an upcoming support group to help you learn the basics of personal development and change. Groups start at only $25. (A steal!)
- Consider getting the support of a coach or counselor without ever stepping foot in an office. Purchasing a “Change Retainer” package means you have a counselor at your email disposal throughout the month for only $45. (A steal!)
- Use your I Choose Change journal (free!), and weekly coffee with a good friend to help you make your own changes. Just a little nudge from a counselor or coach to steer you in the right direction may be all you need.
Finding the positives in a negative economy isn’t incredibly easy, but it does test your willpower. Make a list of ways you’d like to set your new course, then get started!
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photo credit: gilesclement
Stop pointing fingers. In difficult situations, being able to examine ourselves in a full-length mirror is crucial. We want to be able to ask, “What part did I play in this situation? What were my errors? Where are my flaws?”
Taking responsibility of our own thoughts, emotions and actions is empowering! It means we are able to step back from a situation and view it from a different perspective. We’re able to look beyond ourselves and see an alternative way of thinking – an alternative belief.
Personal responsibility is a choice.
Blame is crippling. It creates >> More..
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