Archive for the ‘Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’ Category
In my most recent article, I wrote about the “Acceptance Paradox” providing the sample case of Jon and Kate from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. (I won’t be upset if you clicked away.) I feel the need to drive home this concept a bit more, and I think you’ll find value, too so stick with me!
This topic was first introducted to me in David Burn’s book “Feeling Good Together.” Although called by a different name, the concept is the same: Instead of putting up a defense against your own or other’s criticisms and complaints of you, you find some truth in the statements and accept them.
Common tools used to combat negative emotions such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety assume the preceding negative thoughts are illogical so you should talk back to them. (For example: ”No, I’m not worthless. I am successful, happy, and my life is just as it should be.) This is a “talk to the hand” technique making it acceptable to refute all bad thoughts and criticisms of others. It’s a self-protection technique – a defense to your psyche and some could say, even denial. And, I would add, in some cases, needed.
Acceptance Paradox is about taking responsibility. It is about asking these questions and making these assertions:
- “Is there some truth in the criticism?
- “What can I learn from it?”
- “Can I accept the fact that my performance was not up to par?”
- “I have many deficiencies. I am a human being and I am quite flawed.”
“Ten Days to Self-Esteem” uses this technique beautifully. At the root of all anxieties, depression, fear, anger and guilt lies some degree of a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Using the Accpetance Paradox, in my view, is a powerful step in self-acceptance and crucial to personal developement and growth.
Within your own relationships – friendships, marriage, business, and otherwise – how can this technique help you grow? How can you become a better friend, spouse, and employee by accepting the truth of your behaviors? And, doesn’t it feel powerful to take a step back, and examine yourself in a full length mirror? What you know about yourself consciously, you can change – that is power.
In the case of Kate (from my previous article), it is painful to hear her say “I don’t know” when asked the question of what she could have changed in her marriage. But it’s a lesson we can all learn.
“I don’t know” is a cop-out. It is a barrier between reality and the unknown. If the assumption is “yes, I do know, let me figure it out…” then take a step back, examine, and identify reality. And if you don’t like reality, change it. This is the Acceptance Paradox.
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photo credit: gilesclement
Stop pointing fingers. In difficult situations, being able to examine ourselves in a full-length mirror is crucial. We want to be able to ask, “What part did I play in this situation? What were my errors? Where are my flaws?”
Taking responsibility of our own thoughts, emotions and actions is empowering! It means we are able to step back from a situation and view it from a different perspective. We’re able to look beyond ourselves and see an alternative way of thinking – an alternative belief.
Personal responsibility is a choice.
Blame is crippling. It creates >> More..
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As far as I’m concerned, cognitive therapy is the “shiznit” of all therapies. For the “therapist-seeking” individual, this may not mean much. But perhaps it should – and I don’t use that term lightly (should). This is a term we in the Cognitive Therapy world term as “shoulding all over yourself.”
Cognitive therapy says this: What you feel and do is directly affected by what you think and believe.
When you change what you think and believe, you ultimately change what you feel and do. And, isn’t that the reason ALL people seek out therapy or life coaching of some sort? 100% of my clients seek outside assistance because they’ve grown incredibly tired of feeling something they don’t want to feel (like anxious, fearful, angry, or depressed) and doing things they don’t want to do (like drinking too much, yelling at their kids, or sleeping the day away).
For as long as I’ve been in private practice, >> More..
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The topic of changing your thoughts seems to be “all the rage” these days. With the “Law of Attraction” hoopla and “The Secret” being such a big hit last year, it’s as if this idea of taking charge of your own thoughts is a totally new and radical phenomenon that has people, jaw-open, bug-eyed and astounded. Frankly, I’m astounded at the astonishment. (Say that 10 times.)
In my world, these “new-fangled, radical ideas” are really very old-school. Take for example, the 1950’s new Psychology of Rational Therapy that basically said we are what we think. But even Albert Ellis drew upon the ideas of Greek Philosopher Epicetus, who dates back to 55 A.D.
“Men are disturbed not by things,
but by the view which they take of them.” Epictetus
I know, *snoozer.* But here’s my point… >> More..
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When I asked, “What would you like for breakfast?” I heard the exclamation, “POPSICLES!!”
As any *good* mother “should” do, I said, “Ohhh, you know we can’t have popsicles for breakfast. How about some cinnamon toast, then a popsicle later for snack?”
Then I paused. And, I did what any bad mother would do…
I said, “Ok, sure. You can have your snack first, then cinnamon toast and oatmeal, ok?” In unison, they cheered, “YEAH!!”
Oh, what had I done? Was that the right decision?
In the very moment I heard myself say the words, “We can’t…” to my two toddlers, I also heard my mind ask, “Why not?” I had a flashback to a session I’d had with a client recently. She’d broken down in tears as we talked about expectations and rules in her marriage. >> More..
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