Archive for the ‘Attachment’ Category
One of my favorite websites is one called Zero to Three. It’s a website dedicated purely to the research and development of children from conception through the age of three years.
My first inclination that I wanted to be in the helping profession was in Middle School. I grew up in a small town in West Texas that had basically only two groups of people: popular and not popular. I suppose a third group would be those teetering between those two – some days your “in” and some days you’re very “out”. I was that person. I teetered.
The problem with teetering though, is that all people want to belong somewhere. It’s human nature to want to be part of a group. To have comradere. To have people looking out for you and being your support system. Growing up, I’m not sure I felt like I had that. I lived in an “unsure” world.
My middle school experience I had was inherited from my early childhood development. How I learned to trust, be independent, and take up for myself against bullies was part of my foundational learned style. Couple that learned development with my personality trait of being very emotional and it led to some ill-equipped coping skills at a young age.
Understanding what is developmentally appropriate at any age is essential to parenting. In later years, it’s essential to change.
We all want to know why we do some of the crazy stuff we do. And, in order to know, we must look back in time at those early years. Robert Karen wrote a great book on the topic of relationships. He says, and others said before him, that early relationships shape our capacity to love.
Let’s think about this… ALL early relationships shape how we enter into any relationship – friendship, spousal, work – in the future. That’s huge!
We’re born with a temperament style (cranky, happy-go-lucky, easy). Environment acts on that temperament, adding to what we’re born with and creating layers upon layers of learned behavior.
It’s important that early caregivers understand their baby and child’s temperament because this dramatically affects parenting style. We’ve all heard parents who say, “I parenting my children exactly the same, so I don’t know why Jason ended up so different and in trouble all the time!” Well, that’s why. Jason isn’t like Jill. They must be parented differently.
As we move through life and have difficulties in certain areas, we have to take a look back in time and ask ourselves where we got stuck. What did we learn about ourselves and the world around us, even if by accident?
A good friend tells the story set on a hot summer day in South Texas, a small house with had no air conditioning (think 110 degrees!). She recalls lying her her head in her mother’s lap, resting there a minute and feeling so warm, snug, and secure. But within a few seconds her mother said, “You’re making me hot!” and made her move.
As an adult, we can understand this scenario, right? Extremely hot, child in lap, mom MERELY saying she’s hot. But as a child, what she took away from this transaction was, “I don’t want to be close to you!” One small translation, with no follow-up from Mom (this is key), and a message looms 20 years later: ”You’re a burden.”
This may all sound simplistic on the surface, sure. But digging deeper helps us realize WHY we inherit our learned messages. And when we understand those, we can begin to unravel and relearn.
What is your first childhood memory? What experiences do you feel shaped you most? Do those core messages haunt you? Let’s talk about it in the “comment” section below…
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Like a deer in headlights.
That’s how Mom looked when I asked, simply, “How do you show your son love?”
There was a looooooong pause. Blinking. Total befuddlement. I waited. Waited. Waited. Then she said, “I’ve just been so angry at him lately. He intentionlly does things that make me mad. I can’t show him love right now.”
Excuse me? You can’t do what? Because your son is acting like a mad man, you can’t show him love? (You know the kind of “mad man” behavior I’m talking about, right? The kind that screams, “SHOW ME ATTENTION!!!”)
Ok, here’s the thing. Kids are none of these things: vindictive, out to get you, or purposely pissing you off. And, as parents, we must, must, MUST separate the PERSON from the BEHAVIOR in our kids. If we can love our kids without putting conditions on that love, the behavior won’t be NEAR as bad. In fact, some of their craziness may stop altogether.
This story makes me angry. Really angry.
My last post listed ways to raise a happy, healthy, and secure child. One of the ways to know your child doesn’t fit into that category is if he consistenly acts like a 2-year old let loose in rain puddles! His environment affects the his behavior in big ways. I know I’ll tick off some parents who read this, but it’s a statement I’m willing to stand by and back up.
In a response to my earlier post, one commenter wrote, “I knew my dad loved me, but…” Stop right there.
As an adult you can logically and rationally deduce that your father loved you because he did X, Y, and Z (fed you, clothed you, and worked hard for the family for example). But as a child, you didn’t think that way. Your daydreams didn’t sound anything like the ponderings we have as adults.
Children don’t deduce the way you can now. As a child, missing out on the nurturing, tenderness, and hugs may have sent the message that you weren’t lovable.
What if you didn’t receive those things as a child? How would you know?
There are several clues that may tell you if you received the “your love didn’t come free” message as a child. Check for these signs in your life:
- Frequent arguments in your marriage
- Yelling, fighting, and uncontrollable children
- Unstable job history and/or frequent unhappiness
- Chronic bouts of depression or anxiety
- Lack of supportive friendships
- Feeling out of control or wronged a lot of the time
- Chronic lack of self-esteem and self-confidence
If you find yourself stuck in adulthood feeling unhappy, unhealthy, and insecure, you might need to revisit your own inner child. Your little guy (or little girl) is waiting to be loved.
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How you parent your child will create a blueprint for all other relationships in your child’s future. Yes, it’s a big statement to make, but it’s true.
Your child’s friend, dating partner, employer, sibling, and spousal relationships depend largely upon your interaction to the temperment of your child. Your parenting style helps develop a secure child.
In my earlier post, I told you that the parent-child connection was paramount, and only happens through quality time spent with your children. After a long day at the office, it’s hard to do, but most moms what to know: What exactly is quality time? What has to happen in the early days and years of your child’s life to create the healtiest adult?
You want to be the best parent you can be, and raise the healthiest child you can. Below are 10 things you can do to create a secure attachment with your child:
1. Tune into your child’s needs. Your parenting style must change to match the needs and temperment of your child. As parents, it’s our job to read their cues instead of expecting the child to read ours. A parent’s job is to develop a “collaborative” relationship with the child rather than a “controlling” one.
2. Respect your child. Tuning in helps you know what your child enjoys, what her babbling jumbled words mean, and what makes her giggle with delight. It’s the parent’s job to “come down to the child’s level” to understand what the child needs, and tend to the child accordingly. This behavior makes your baby feel calm, respected, and important.
3. Coddle your child. You absolutely cannot spoil your baby child if you pick her up while crying. In fact, the more you nurture, pamper and tend to your childs needs now, the more your child will feel socially secure, independent, loved, trusting and cherished later. Hugs, kisses, holding, rocking, patting, singing and talking to your baby are ways to improve the parent-child bond.
4. Have a “time in.” Babies and children aren’t mean or vindictive. Therefore, even when babies and young children are fussy, crying, and difficult, consider giving them a “time in.” Instead of isolating them from you (as in a “time out,”) try loving on them, respecting their emotions, and even helping them understand how they feel. You’ll be amazed at how their behavior will change once they come to trust that you won’t banish them to another room when what they really need is some TLC.
5. Establish a “secure base.” Notice how your baby will crawl away from you and turn back to check that you’re still there? They feel secure knowing they can always come back to you. Into toddlerhood and even the pre-school years, your child depends on you to be their “go to” person. They feel safe and secure just knowing they have you to come back to.
6. Create routines. Your baby and young child enjoy knowing what’s going to happen next. Not only is it important to establish routines, but it’s equally important to fill your child in on the plan. This means being respectful and building a more collaborative relationship with your little one.
7. Encourage through play. Allow your child to “just be.” Let him explore his surroundings. While at the play ground recently, I spoke with a nice mom whose active son was crawling up the slide instead of sliding down, landing bottom-first in the wood chips of feet-first, and getting soaked in the water sprinklers. I couldn’t count the number of times the mom yelled, “Don’t…, Stop…, and No… .” He being stifled from natrual exploration at every turn! Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen if I allow my child to do this?” Most of the time, it’s an innocent activity that develops problem-solving, socialization, and thinking skills. And, it’s just plain fun!
8. Be an observer. When children play, they act out their emotions and your reflection helps them understand how they feel. Babies won’t communicate directly to you most of the time and children may communicate “sideways” so you have to interprate their needs. My 3 year old said recently, “Mommy, I need a ring so I can go to work with you.” What she really meant was, “I can dress up just like you and go to work because I feel sad you leave me alone!” I did buy her a ring so we could play “going to work, but I also explored how much she missed me when I left. Now I say, “Sorry you can’t go to work with Mommy. I know you might miss me, and I will miss you, too. I’ll be home in just a little bit, and we will put a puzzle together, ok?” She feels reassured and comforted knowing I’ll return.
9. Understand milestones. When your 15-month old bangs her spoon on the table 50 times or your 2-year old refuses to sit still while at the dinner table, it’s not because she is disrespecting you, getting back at you, or trying to push your buttons. It’s because, well, those things are fun! And, she’s learning about her world. Young children don’t have the cogntive reasoning or skills we do, and it’s important for them to explore. Learning what’s appropriate at each age can help you laugh off what their doing instead of getting frustrated and annoyed.
10. Explain your reasons. Did you enjoy hearing your mom say, “Because I said so?” No, you didn’t. And just because your mom did it doesn’t mean you should do it, too! Talking to your child about why you did what you did, in words they can understand, helps build respect and trust. It also helps build language skills. In a loving way, your child learns problem-solving, cause and effect, and helps build a foundation for making smart decisions as they get older.
Developing a “secure base” for your child is key to successful relationships later in life. If you find yourself struggling with the 10 things above, it might be a good idea to explore why. Parenting is difficult, and I’d love to hear your view in the comments section below.
And remember, “When you have a baby you have five years of hard labor ahead of you. If you don’t get it over in the beginning, you’ve got it coming to you later on.” - Unknown
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photo credit: Alain Bachellier
“When you have a baby you have five years of hard labor ahead of you. If you don’t get it over in the beginning, you’ve got it coming to you later on.” - Unknown
This quote is my excuse for why, in September, I just cracked open the March issue of one of my favorite local parenting magazines (Dallas Child). And although I’ve never met the person who consistently drops off these gems, I always feel like a new present has arrived, and it’s my cue to indulge in fresh, inviting articles on topics most moms feel connected to (like easy summer vacations, how to organize, and where to meet other hip moms).
Just 5 minutes stood before me and my first client, so I wasn’t altogether prepared for the emotional welling-up I had while reading Hala Habal’s “first words” column. It was her “multiple personalities” (that is, her private discussions with herself) that drew me in, but it was ultimately her ponderings about parenting that compelled me to put fingers to keyboard.
“I wonder with my entire mind and heart what is fundamentally different in a mother’s chromosomes that just won’t allow her to let go and do the best she can,” Hala puzzled over. “We [moms] all just end up feeling generally bad. We feel bad when we are at work and not with our children; we feel bad when we are with our children that we are not at work.”
Hala wondered how it is that many dads put in two hours or less a day with their children, and seem to feel fine with that system.
Most working moms grapple with the guilt of not spending enough quality time with their children. Even stay-at-home moms feel like they aren’t doing their best. Still, there is something extraordinarily profound about the mother-child bond.
Adding to the frustration of parenting is the contradictory research on what it takes to raise happy, healthy, successful children.
As one researcher says, “When parents know what to expect of children they usually do the right thing.” Yet with so much conflicting information, it’s hard to know what children need.
Strong evidence suggests that the early mother-infant bond creates a blueprint for all other relationships throughout the lifespan. Speaking as a mom, this is pretty scary!
On the topic of infants attaching to their mothers, there are two important points to know:
1. All children have a need to attach to SOMEONE. This is usually mom, but it could also be dad, a nanny, grandma, or a child care provider. Also, attachment is hierachial, which means babies find one consistent figure to attach with, and all others follow. For instance, a nanny who spends more quality time with the infant/child than mom or dad may become the primary attachment figure for the child. The nanny is the child’s “go to” person.
2. Babies and children tend to attach to whoever spends the most quality time with them. The attachment figure (usually mom) is what’s called a “secure base.” This means that even though there may be many providers and people in the child’s life, the one person they ultimately feel most secure with is the person who they have come to trust and rely on above all else. Mostly, this is mom (but sometimes, as in the case above, it could be someone else).
In cases where children are put in low-quality daycare, for example, where employee turnover is high, AND there is no quality time at home, the child may not have anyone to attach to. The child doesn’t have a consistent “secure base.”
“They [Parents] may be dog-tired and consider themselves shorter-tempered than they could wish, but it is a great compensation to feel that they really matter, that no one else will do.” - John Bowlby
Not only do moms have an incredible, unexplainable desire to nurture their child, but the child himself has an innate need to feel nurtured. Their emotional well-being depends on this connection. And, as one psychologist points out, “85% of the brain is developed in the first 5 years.”
The time when children are most likely to have the most damaging effects of parental neglect is a time when some parents don’t put in the most quality time. I recall a friend telling me that after she picks her young daughter up from daycare around 5:30 she falls asleep. Her daughter wakes up to eat dinner, then goes to bed for the night. Inside, my heart ached, and I reflected, “It doesn’t sound like you get to spend that much time with her each day.” And she said non-chalantly, “About an hour and a half.”
Very extreme cases show the detrimental effects of being withheld love and affection – something babies learn to trust they’ll receive as a first developmental milestone.
In the case of Danielle, left in a dark, dank room from birth until age 6, severe neglect created what’s called a “feral child.” Danielle received food from a bottle and had shelter, but she was had no human touch. At 6 years old she didn’t make eye contact, weighed 46 pounds and gummed food like a baby. But Danielle wasn’t born that way! She has what some call “environmental autism.” (Read her story here.)
It’s hard to explain why some moms, like Danielle’s, don’t have the innate desire for connection other moms do (although perhaps we could look into their own childhood bonds for answers). But it is a guarantee that Danielle craved love, affection, and nurturing, and when she didn’t have it, she was starved an emotional death.
As moms, we feel such guilt when we aren’t with our children because we instinctively know that we (and we alone) are their “go to” person. We are their “secure base.”
We are who they turn to when they are frightened, shy, unsure, confused, and when they are in need of hugs, talks, eye-gazing, and warmth. Playing legos and tracing letters for hours on end can be pure BOREDOM (it is for me, I admit!). But it’s not just the rote behavior that’s taking place – it’s the attachment. It’s the connection BEHIND the tower-building, finger-painting, and doll-bathing sessions. We crave it as much as they do because we know it’s what they NEED.
On my drive home from work today, like Hala and many others, I shifted quickly from “psychotherapist” to “mom” (from dress slacks and tailored hair to t-shirts and pony-tail). As expected, when I walked in the house one of my toddlers ran to me yelling, “MOMMY!!!” with outstretched arms.
I braced myself for the CRASH I’d feel when she flung her arms around me that would inevitably throw me back. Fresh on my mind was both my last client who felt lonely and unloved since her mom died at a young age, as well as the ponderings of Hala Habal.
I had the thought while in my daughter’s embrace, “How long is she going to continue squeezing me?” It seemed to linger on for quite sometime, but I quickly answered myself, “As long as she needs to.” It was about 7 minutes. And probably the best 7 minutes of her day. And mine. We both needed that.
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photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar (not much online)
Reader’s Question : I am tired of feeling inferior to others, and would like to increase my self esteem. My husband, whom I love a great deal, also has very low self esteem. The only thing he is confident about is his worthlessness. I find that part of him unattractive and even more worse, that he plays the role of victim rather than working on improving himself. Furthermore, I find myself attracted to confident men, and even though I’d never betray my husband, I’m wondering why I am so attracted to them. Is it so I can get my “fix” from them, or am I leaning on them because it’s something I lack in myself?
My Take: This is a great question. Most of us want to know why we pick the partners we do, and later, we want to know we why find ourselves then attracted to someone who is totally opposite from our mate. This is very common, and also very frustrating!
Many clues are hidden in our past. One theory says our earliest relationships creates a “blueprint” for all subsequent relationships in our lives. “Earliest” means before the age of 3 years old – a time most of us don’t even remember!
Low self-esteem and being drawn to those who are confident and strong-willed can be clues into those early relationships with primary caregivers. In fact, adults give clues into their childhood all the time. The theory is called: Attachment. The question to ask is, “Was I securely attached to my primary caregiver?”
Secure versus Insecure Attachment
This theory is highly debated, but it’s also extensively researched and hard to dispute. When a child is born, how parents choose to interact with the child (and the child’s temperment) sets the stage for success or failure in many relationships to come. There are three types of attachment:
1. Secure Attachment. The child who is securely attached seeks comfort and reassurance from their primary caregiver, and they get it. Children feel secure knowing they can explore the world around them, and when they become frightened, they will always have their primary caregiver to take care of them – sometimes called a “secure base”. Securely attached children develop trust in their environment and primary caregiver, and as an adult they trust their partners and people they get into relationships with. Securely attached children have secure relationships as a general rule.
2. Avoidant Attachment. This child has an environment that is unstable. Meaning, they can’t be sure if mom will reassure and comfort them when in need or not. Sometimes Mom will be there, sometimes she won’t. Sometimes she’ll “blow up” when frustrated and angry, and not tend to her child’s needs, and sometimes she is calm, cool, collected and picks up the child when in distress. The child learns that he can’t trust his primary caregiver. He never knows if Mom will be available to him or not, and soon he simply stops trying. As an adult, this person can have very low expectations and learn not to seek assistance from those around them. Or in the extreme opposite, this person may have expectations of others that are too high and they develop a grandiose “I don’t need help, I can do it all!” mentality.
3. Ambivalant Attachment. This child had a parent that was passive and who failed to understand the importance of emotional connection. Mom may have provided basic needs – food, shelter, clothing – but the closeness needed that builds trust in a child isn’t there. As an adult, this person is extremely lonely. They are afraid to get close to others, and they worry the people in their lives won’t stay with them because they don’t really love them. The adult that is insecurely attached becomes too obsessive and depended on key people in their lives, deathly afraid of them leaving.
As we try to ask hard questions in our life like, “Why am I like this?, Why did I choose this partner?, Why is my partner like that?, and How can I change so I feel better?” it might be a good exercise to examine those early attachments.
As humans, we never outgrow the need for unconditional love, respect, and positive regard. There is never a time that we don’t need to be “parented”, and for those who missed out on these key emotional needs as a baby and young child, it’s a lifelong struggle to try to achieve just that – it looks very much like low self-esttem (as the above reader questions), depression, hopelessness, anxiety and fear.
This reader, wondering why she is so attracted to “confident and secure” men might get her question answered as she thinks back to her early parental relationship.
- Did she feel she could depend on her mom?
- Did mom instill confidence and security, allowing her to freely explore her surroundings, or did she get shamed when she did so?
- Does my longing for confidence and security in my current partner suggest I didn’t have it growing up?
Being securely attached has strong implications as an adult, but even stronger for a parent. Our children are the adults of the future, and we want them to feel unconditional love, security, respect, and nurturing. As an adult, as yourself how you can now get that (especially if it was missed in childhood). And if you’re a parent, ask yourself, “How can I most instill this in my child?” Or better yet… “How can I give this to my inner child, now?”
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