In my most recent article, I wrote about the “Acceptance Paradox” providing the sample case of Jon and Kate from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. (I won’t be upset if you clicked away.) I feel the need to drive home this concept a bit more, and I think you’ll find value, too so stick with me!
This topic was first introducted to me in David Burn’s book “Feeling Good Together.” Although called by a different name, the concept is the same: Instead of putting up a defense against your own or other’s criticisms and complaints of you, you find some truth in the statements and accept them.
Common tools used to combat negative emotions such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety assume the preceding negative thoughts are illogical so you should talk back to them. (For example: ”No, I’m not worthless. I am successful, happy, and my life is just as it should be.) This is a “talk to the hand” technique making it acceptable to refute all bad thoughts and criticisms of others. It’s a self-protection technique – a defense to your psyche and some could say, even denial. And, I would add, in some cases, needed.
Acceptance Paradox is about taking responsibility. It is about asking these questions and making these assertions:
- “Is there some truth in the criticism?
- “What can I learn from it?”
- “Can I accept the fact that my performance was not up to par?”
- “I have many deficiencies. I am a human being and I am quite flawed.”
“Ten Days to Self-Esteem” uses this technique beautifully. At the root of all anxieties, depression, fear, anger and guilt lies some degree of a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Using the Accpetance Paradox, in my view, is a powerful step in self-acceptance and crucial to personal developement and growth.
Within your own relationships – friendships, marriage, business, and otherwise – how can this technique help you grow? How can you become a better friend, spouse, and employee by accepting the truth of your behaviors? And, doesn’t it feel powerful to take a step back, and examine yourself in a full length mirror? What you know about yourself consciously, you can change – that is power.
In the case of Kate (from my previous article), it is painful to hear her say “I don’t know” when asked the question of what she could have changed in her marriage. But it’s a lesson we can all learn.
“I don’t know” is a cop-out. It is a barrier between reality and the unknown. If the assumption is “yes, I do know, let me figure it out…” then take a step back, examine, and identify reality. And if you don’t like reality, change it. This is the Acceptance Paradox.
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August 13th, 2009 at 12:27 am
Great post! Like many people, I have a hard time with criticism but that’s usually because there is a truth in it that I just don’t want to deal with. I love what you’ve written here. Love it!
August 13th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
David Burns is great isn’t he? This also reminds me of the book “Mindset” by Carol Dweck. She discusses the growth vs the fixed mindset not only when looking at criticism but in our view of our own abilities and potential. It’s a good read.
In my business I give out feedback sheets. This is a big step for me because I cringe at the possibility of getting negative feedback. It takes me a while to get the nerve to read the feedback. I usually let my business partner read it first. For me, my work is such a part of me that getting negative feedback hits my core. I have to concentrate on not getting hurt from it but learning from it. Not that easy to do. I’m not a perfectionist in anything except how I teach which is a huge part of my business. Forfunate for my ego, the feedback is 99% wonderful. But that 1% eeek!!!
Great post Jennifer. You always try to get me to grow darn you girl!
September 8th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Laurie – If you can learn to read the criticism and say, “Uh huh, uh huh, ok, sure, uh huh, got it!” then you would grow in leaps and bounds! It’s SOOO hard, I think so, too! But ultimately, the criticism keeps coming back and haunting us until we “get it.” So, get it girl! =)
September 8th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Thanks for your reply, Positively Present! Yes, the very reason the criticism feels so BAD is because part of it is true. If it was way off base, and NONE of it was true, it would be laughable. I had a coach that once told me, “you only experience criticism, because the criticism is already in you.” Ack! Hard to hear, but true.