photo credit: gilesclement
Stop pointing fingers. In difficult situations, being able to examine ourselves in a full-length mirror is crucial. We want to be able to ask, “What part did I play in this situation? What were my errors? Where are my flaws?”
Taking responsibility of our own thoughts, emotions and actions is empowering! It means we are able to step back from a situation and view it from a different perspective. We’re able to look beyond ourselves and see an alternative way of thinking – an alternative belief.
Personal responsibility is a choice.
Blame is crippling. It creates anger, resentment, frustration, self-loathing, depression, and bitterness. Yet, we all have a tendency sometimes (or more than sometimes), to blame other people, ourselves or situations for how we feel, what we think, and what we do.
In his new book, “Feeling Good Together,” David Burns discusses the issue of blame at length. Blame is one of those “distorted thoughts” we cognitive therapists recognize almost immediately. The opposite of blaming is taking personal responsibility for your OWN thoughts, feelings, and actions. What Dr. Burns outlines in his book is empowering:
Self-Blame Characteristics:
- Tell yourself things like, “I’m not good enough, It’s all my fault, and I’m hopeless.”
- Feel guilty, ashamed, inferior, anxious, and hopeless.
- Withdraw and start to loath yourself, unable to handle any criticism whatsoever.
- Avoid other people, shutting down and inducing loneliness.
- Look demoralized, discouraged, defeated and defective.
- Become lonely, depressed, anxious, and stuck in an isolated world.
Other-Blame Characteristics:
- Say thinks like, “He’s such a jerk! She is completely wrong, and It’s all his fault!”
- Feel angry, resentful, hurt, and frustrated.
- Remain defensive, arguing about how you’re “right” and the other person or situation is “wrong.”
- Put up walls of resentment, fighting and arguing to protect yourself or to get back at someone.
- Look judgmental, defiant, sarcastic, and hurt.
- Become bitter, argumentative, and unrealistic over time.
Personal Responsibility Characteristics:
- Remain objective and non-judgmental, recognizing personal errors and taking steps toward resolution.
- Feel a sense of self-respect, but also healthy sadness, concern or remorse in difficult situations.
- Listen while trying to find truth in other’s feedback and criticism.
- Share own feelings, yet being respectful of other’s feelings and thoughts.
- Engage others to develop better understanding of their perspective and viewpoint.
- Remain open, receptive, respectful, empathic, interested, and caring.
- Experience more intimacy, trust, satisfaction, and self-respect.
It is a challenge when, in the heat of a moment of a difficult situation, we stop to think about how WE are behaving that is creating the emotional upheavel. We are 100% responsible for the frustration, anger, sadness, and any other emotional disturbance we feel in any given scenario. Change occurs when we make the choice to re-examine ourselves, fully, in a full-length mirror.
Popularity: 79% [?]
Related posts:
Subscribe to blog
May 9th, 2009 at 10:08 am
It was not until I looked in the mirror and worked on myself that things got better in my marriage.
I am not perfect. I screw up all the time. But handing off responsibility doesn’t help me but enable me. I think one thing that helps me is realizing I can give myself some grace by just examining my behavior without judging it.
David Burns is a great read. I noticed that Nathaniel Branden has a book on taking responsibility. Have you read that one?
May 9th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Wonderful, wonderful post!!! It’s so important to accept blame for the things we do in life. It’s not always easy, but there are some great tips!
Check out Positively Present’s last blog post…blogging makes it better
June 15th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
It is supremely empowering to take responsibility for your life experiences. I have always practiced this concept from the time I was a young girl to the present.
Even in those instances, where you can genuinely blame someone else. Something magical happens when you claim ownership of all of your experiences. The opportunities to create a successful life filled with an abundance of love,peace,happiness,harmony and money always reveals itself.
You give up your power when you blame others for your positive or negative experiences in this physical world.
Check out Adalia’s last blog post…Success and Failure are a Team
July 1st, 2009 at 4:02 am
wonderful, just what i needed to hear!
now all i have to do is figure out how to make the leap from self-blame to personal responsibility!! i think i need to act as if!
August 10th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
[...] aaangie: wonderful, just what i needed to hear! now all i have to do is figure out how to make the leap from… [...]
August 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
You can recognize when you need to take responsibility when you find yourself in the midst of a situation that has you asking something like, “Why is this happening?” Or, asking, “Why did she _____?” and “I don’t understand how _____ could do that.”
Anytime we’re in the midst of personal conflict, it means we ARE part of the conflict. If we take no responsibility, it shows up as self-blame and other-blame. Even self-loathing and inner low self-esteem is actually self-blame, which is NOT taking responsibility!
Taking responsibility is simply saying to yourself, “Ok, this is what I can do differently next time….” and “I did ____ to take part in this situation. I realize my part.”
Jennifer
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:18 am
[...] “It’s not my fault!: Taking personal responsibility in difficult situations [...]
February 11th, 2010 at 4:06 am
There are situations that are beyond our control. Not knowing how to handle these situations causes us to behave in ways that may not help the situation–self-blame or other blame. Then, in trying to rectify a situation we may do something wrong. When this happens, we need to take responsibility and accept the fact that soon maybe difficult to work with and learn to work with them, rather than going into self-blame mode–again.