EDITORS NOTE: This is a guest post from Patrice Dunn, M.Ed., LPC.
I remember people asking, “Did you get your driving license from the Cracker Jack box? Funny, right? Well how about, “Where did you learn to parent, TV?” I can remember watching TV when I was young and wishing I lived like the Brady’s or that I had an Aunt Bea like Opie on the Andy Griffith Show. When I was mischievous like Beaver Cleaver or Dennis the Menace I could only wish that my dad was as calm and level headed as the Fathers of that time. It did become clear at an early age that even with parents like Archie Bunker or George Jefferson one could grow able to except others that are different like Gloria Bunker and Lionel Jefferson learned to do.
Then along came the Cosby Show. By this time America was being more honest about family dysfunction and so everyone related to some part of the show and desired to make a change to be more like the Cosby’s. That show set a new standard for family life and parenting styles. For the most part the kids were obedient, parents were hardworking and committed to spending quality time, and when conflict did arise the parents would talk and agree on the consequences.
Finally, if we fast forward to today we see TV shows with parenting role models like the Simpsons, Osbournes, Peg and Al from Married with Children, and Hal and Lois Wilkerson from Malcolm in the Middle. The TV parenting role models of today apparently have a different set of objectives than those back in the day which portrayed respect for parents and their roles like the Cleavers, daily life lessons from Claire and Healthcliff Huxtable, to parents that sneak, manipulate, and lie as part of parenting.
Most research agrees on four types of parenting styles: Authoritative, Permissive, Uninvolved, and Assertive.
- The Authoritative parent is known as strict and uses external control to teach right and wrong, but their goal is to teach respect and obedience and provide structure.
- Permissive Parents spends a lot of time negotiating and explaining with their child. This parent wants to be like and therefore sets low expectations. The Permissive parent wants the child to always be happy gives too much freedom and provides excessive material goods.
- The Uninvolved parent is disengaged and often times neglectful. This parent will defer to others to while overlooking opportunity to teach and communicate with their children. In this case the children report that the parent hardly knows them.
- The Assertive parent is like a coach. There is a balance between motivation, instruction, and correction. “The Coach” creates clear guidelines and rules, teaches responsibility and good decision making skills, and maintains authority. Where I think there are advantages and disadvantages in all four types, the assertive parent is the most desired. Many parents might find that they have fall into more than one category of parenting style.
My challenge to you is to examine your parenting roots. If you find yourself struggling to manage the day-to-day demands of parenting, look at your TV role models, your parents, and those of your co-parent if applicable. That is your starting point and from there the transition to more effective parenting strategies becomes more obtainable.
Patrice Dunn M.Ed., LPC is the presenter of the “I Need a Parent, Not a Friend” workshop. For additional information on upcoming workshops feel free to contact her at patrice@ichoosechange.com.
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April 14th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
I find I have been a different parent with my two kids. With the youngest one, now 16, I find I am more of the coach parent but also have times of a authoritative style as well as times of permissiveness. It seems to be going ok. With the first son, oh baby!, was that one hard to parent. I felt I was spending most of my time doing tough love and love and logic. He pushed every boundary and tried to manipulate every situation. He’s on his own now doing good but wow, I didn’t know how that one would turn out!
April 19th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I take a little bit of issue with the TV “role models” of today. The Simpsons, Married with Children, and Malcolm in the Middle are parodies of family life and aren’t meant to be taken seriously. I do agree with looking at your own parents and upbringing to see what type of parenting model was in place in your life and that of your spouse. THAT will speak volumes on the type of adults you become as well as any preconceived notions still lingering around after you choose to become a parent. I also agree with the post above-each child is different and if there is any age gap between the children (for me an almost 8 year gap came between my 1st and 2nd child) you will find your parenting is vastly different. The first time I would admit to being very permissive. With the second one I have been much more assertive, but still have my struggles each day. Parenting only gets more challenging as you go along, trust me.