photo credit: wander.lust
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in 2007.
“Immaturity is allowing someone else to author your history. Maturity is accepting the authorship of your history. You cannot change history, but you can write history.”
As I fumbled through some old files, cleaning up my home office, I ran across a journal of quotes I’d started in 1994. I opened the journal, and right there on the first page was this magical little quote.
During my Junior year of college, 1994, Dr. Anderson was especially memorable for his life lessons. As I read this quote, now 14 years later, I felt nostalgic. More importantly, I remember why I’d decided to keep that statement in my stash!
What It All Means
The more we retell the stories of our past, “the more important they will seem. Replaying breakup or accident scenes heightens their sentimental power, akin to repeatedly ripping the scab off a wound,” says Flora in “Self-Portrait in a Skewed Mirror.” Wouldn’t it stand to reason that if we retell a NEW story from our past, that will become just as important? The stories we make up in our minds create our emotional attachment to them.
Maturity, by definition, means being fully developed in body or mind. It is being grounded and centered in our thoughts and in our emotions; feeling as if we are “somebody” and that we’ve accomplished great things. Sometimes we compare “a time when” to “now” as a guage for our own maturity.
The problem with living in “a time when” is that we fall victim to the stories of our past. The stories of our past – growing up in a divorced home, lacking the same opportunities as others, or being the child of an alcoholic. Those are the stories we hold onto. We use them as excuses for who we are NOW, what we’re doing now, and how we feel NOW. But, that is an immature process. Our past CAN define us, yet we can also define our past.
How to Define Your Past
Maturity means accepting that you created everything in your past. Your history was created by you.
This is a hard pill to swallow. “What do you mean I CREATED the alcoholic parents I had” Or, “There is no way I CREATED a childhood like that.” Well, no, you didn’t create the circumstances of your life (or maybe you did, but that’s for another article). But you DID create an emotion and a belief based on those circumstances.
From birth through about the age of 18, you were a follower (well, except through the teenage years when most of us rebelled like crazy). But now that you’re an adult, you can no longer hang on to the stories of your past. And frankly, if you want to change the emotions you have now, it’s essential to change your belief about the events of your past. Here’s how:
1. Observe Your Past – Think about an event in your life that has you emotionally charged. What gets you all riled up inside emotionally? Now, see that event just as it is – an event or circumstance. For a moment, distance yourself from being part of the event, and simply see the situation as if you’re watching a movie.
2. Know Your Emotions – Notice the emotions that well up in you as you think about that event or circustance you’re watching. Is it anger, sadness, fear, or rage? Are you emotionally charged when you think about how you were wronged, what someone did to you, how people behaved around you, or how you were mistreated?
3. Change The Scene – Obviously, you know the event or situation you’re now watching is in the past, but if it’s an emotionally difficult time, it feels like it’s happening right now, right? So, as you step back, continue to simply watch your “movie” and notice how you feel, change the scene. Imagine that you’re the director of this play, and you have the ability to develop the characters of your play differently than you’re now imagining. Create a new image in your mind of the situation playing out in front of you.
4. Create New Emotional Memory – By changing the scene of your movie (essentially changing your past event in your mind), you have 100% control over how you feel. You will begin to create a new emotional attachment to your history.
You see, your perceptions ARE your reality. For example, instead of thinking “I’m an adult child of an alcoholic”, how about the new thought, “I’m an adult child of a loving, caring Mother?” Yes, she may have in fact be an alcoholic mother, but wasn’t she other things as well? And, doesn’t it give you a different feeling to dwell on those things?
I haven’t known anyone better to rewrite perception of history than Dave Pelzer, author of “Child Called It.” He writes about overcoming severe mental, physical and neglectful abuse at the hands of his mentally disturbed, alcoholic mother. For mere survival, he created a different perception of his circumstances.
Remember, it’s not EVENTS that create such a strong emotion. It’s your PERCEPTION OF THE EVENT. You can create from the events of your past whatever you’d like to create, hence creating a new emotion.
Immaturity or Maturity?
Dan McAdams of Northwestern University says we construct our lives around our own “personal myths.” Our job now, is to determine how you want to view your own personal myths.
From this day forward, you must decide how you want to live your life – as one who has no control or one who has absolute control over the stories of your past. You can decide to have a NEW history. If you truly want to fast forward through your emotional angst, you have to perceive those stories differently.
Letting go is difficult, but it must be done, there is no other way.
I was talking to a colleague today who said he uses the Marine creed with his clients: Improvise, adapt, and then overcome. That is exactly what you must do, but first make the decision. When you are ready to move forward, you will. If you choose to remain stuck, you will. The choice is yours.
“Maturity is accepting the authorship of your history. You cannot change history, but you can write history.” Will you choose to write yours?
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March 7th, 2009 at 9:20 am
This is a great post. I especially like that rather than just saying that we create our own pasts, you’ve offered concrete steps for people who still struggle with that part of the matter.
Check out Joely Black’s last blog post…Life outside my comfort zone isn’t as bad as I thought
March 12th, 2009 at 8:31 am
@ Joely – thanks! Thanks for your comment – I hope this method works for you when you need it!
March 12th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Glad i read this! Makes so much since. Thank you.
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