photo credit: visibleducts
Do you have tasks you want to accomplish or dreams you want to pursue, but seem to always have something standing in your way?
100% of all clients that step into my office come for one of only two reasons:
- They’re doing something they don’t want to do (or want to do something they aren’t doing), and
- They feel something they don’t want to feel, like anxiety, depression, loneliness, sadness, guilt, fatigue, or fear.
Anxiety is biggie. That heart-racing, skin-sweating, heavy-breathing, “I’m going to die” feeling overtakes some people so fast, that the fear of having an anxiety attack can begin to be even more of a fear than the actual anxiety attack itself.
There are four types of destructive, anxiety-prone personalities listed in Luciani’s book, Self-Coaching that are worth knowing:
- Worrywarts – This is the “what-iffing” personality. “What if I lose my job?” “What if my children don’t love me?” “What if I have a wreck while I’m driving?” For the worrywart, losing control is at the forefront of their thoughts.
- Hedgehogs – This personality keeps people at arm’s length by spewing their general distaste about the world around them. They can change on a dime from sweet and innocent to loathing, defensive, corrosive and bitter. What this personality uses as a protective measure of the world around them is seen by others as negative, passive-aggressive, and generally unpleasant. And, while the hedgehog is busy “protecting itself” with its porcupine needles, his personal life swirls down the toilet, leaving the hedgehog feeling even more depressed, anxious and untrusting.
- Turtles – Having the tendency to avoid confrontation, isolate, and struggle in social situations, this personality retreats from life when they begin to feel powerless in some aspect of their life. You can recognize “retreating” turtle personalities in someone who overindulges in just about anything: TV, drugs, sleeping, work, etc.
- Chameleons – This personality changes his behavior so as to manipulate the situation to make him more in control. This type may be seen as the bully or someone who you’d deem as “fake.” They utilize “chameleon-like” personality to change how others perceive them based on the situation. In other words, they’re never the same person in any situation.
All of these personality types create a life of anxiety and depression because the social and personal lives become lonely places. They don’t keep friends easily. When there is an intense need for control, yet feelings of powerlessness, they lash out at loved ones and keep at an arm’s length from them. Left feeling empty, alone, lonely, isolated, and unloved feelings of depression and anxiety takeover.
The anxious person “acts out” as a means to control their environment trying to decrease their anxiety. But this only works to INCREASE anxiety, and sabotage personal relationships in the process.
When we can finally identify what we feel, as well as the actions we take to act out that feeling, the next step is to simply use the TEA Formula to start changing. That is, get down to the nitty-gritty of what’s driving those unwanted emotions and actions. Here how:
Step 1: Ask yourself: “What am I doing that is destructive?” Overindulging in food, sleep, sex, gambling, or TV, isolating myself, fighting with my spouse, yelling at my kids, and working too much, are a few examples.
Step 2: Ask yourself: “How am I feeling?” Usually summed up in one word: lonely, sad, alone, guilty, depressed, anxious, ugly, anger, etc.
Step 3: Ask yourself: “What is the immediate thought, perception, judgment or opinion that preceded this feeling?” This is easily answered by knowing what your reaction is to something in your environment. “I don’t like how my husband talked to me, and it makes me feel angry.” “My boss nit-picks my work and it makes me feel disrespected.” “I have no time to myself because of all the roles I play during the day, and that makes me feel depressed.”
– Side note about “…it makes me feel…” – remember, your thoughts are what “make you feel” what you feel, not the outside world. But we often say this statement without being conscious. Notice when you say this though, because you can identify what you feel pretty quickly.
– The thoughts that immediately precede the feeling in the above statements are, “I don’t like how my husband talked to me,” “My boss nit-picks my work,” and “I have no time to myself.” Those statements – your thoughts and perceptions about OTHER THINGS that are out of your control – are what create your emotions. Now, your task is to simply change your perception, or thought, about that preceding event.
When you can get to your root thought – sometimes that means becoming aware of your subconscious thought (making the subconscious, conscious) – then you simply ask yourself: “Is this a thought that is serving me well?”
If you are feeling something you don’t want to feel or doing something you don’t want to do – like anxiety – then you can rest assured, the thought that got you to those feelings and actions could be tweaked a bit so you get a different feeling and action.
photo credit: Fiona MacGinty
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February 25th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Depression and anxiety are both treatable illnesses so it is important to seek professional help if you think you or anyone you know may be feeling depressed or anxious.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Anon,
I suppose as practioners, we all look at this differently, depending on our approach to depression and anxiety. For example, I don’t believe anxiety and depression are “illnessess,” but rather, “self-generated” symptoms. If you believe in the mind/body approach (as I do), you would be inclined to believe you have control over these symptoms as opposed to being completely powerless over them, thereby creating an “illness.” And, I do also think that if we create within our psyche the idea that we ARE powerless over them, that belief only further paralyzes us, and it’s even harder to overcome the symptoms.
What are your thoughts on illness versus self-generated?
Jennifer
February 26th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I have a problem with the term “self-generated.”
I don’t see this as an either or situation. In my world view, we control over our thoughts, and our thoughts affect our brain chemistry, AND other things affect our brain chemistry too.
Sometimes we need help with both our thoughts and our brain chemistry. There is a tipping point at which getting help from trained professionals is necessary. Seeking the help we need – from therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, medications etc – to return ourselves to optimal health (the opposite of which could be called illness) is us taking care of ourselves, and that is powerful.
I see no point telling the person whose brain chemistry is off that it is their fault they aren’t better; I think it is judgmental, and potentially harmful. Restore them to balance and then educate them.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:47 am
“There is a tipping point at which getting help from trained professionals is necessary.” — I completely agree.
I do also agree that as practitioners, it would be unethical and irresponsible to tell a client it is their fault. Prolonged faulty and destructive thinking *can* create chemical imbalances, however.
“Self-generated” is a term that can give the client a LOT of power. They are no longer powerless over symptoms; they have control. However, this issue does need to be discussed cautiously.
Thanks for posting!
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
hmm…I’ve been seriously depressed, and don’t take the topic lightly. However, part of why we “approach” this cautiously is because we have created a society that wants to believe “it’s not my fault”. A world where we don’t want to upset or offend anybody, and sometimes that is exactly what they need (or we) need. Sometimes we need someone that loves and cares about us to (without a litany of shoulds…) to say “I know it’s hard, but you need to get your head out of your @*&! I know, because someone did this for me!
The trouble is, we don’t want to take responsibility, and yet the reality is when nothing is your fault then YOU can’t fix it. We feel out of control, but then we give up the ONE thing that we can control! When we stop thinking about “fault and blame” the way that we do, we give ourselves the freedom to change!
Check out HeatherO’s last blog post…Giving Value First
March 2nd, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Heather, thanks for your comment. What you say closely resembles Connie’s in that we want to just be loved – we want to have hope (reading “Change or Die” talks more about this topic of hope).
However, once we have given hope, then what? I strongly believe in action. And let me also share that I would never suggest *anything* that I haven’t been through or tried myself. I know it’s not easy to be in a very DOWN place and hear “it’s your fault.” And honestly, while it may feel like this is what’s being said here – it isn’t. I never say that – “It’s your fault you’re feeling this way.” That would do more harm than good.
But, if we don’t take responsibility of our own lives, we are then placing blame, which keeps us stuck. If we don’t want to be stuck, we take responsibility, it’s really that simple.
Well said, Heather!
March 12th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
I am on meds for both depression and anxiety. I have been in counseling and “graduated” feeling really good about my path and my feelings about myself. I still have the anxiety and depression though. My mom had panic attacks and was somewhat agoraphobic when she was my age. I wonder if my struggles are hereditary since I am really doing well in life as a whole. My relationships are better than ever, and I have started a new business that is going really well. I wondered if hypnosis would help but finding someone qualified is problematic.
March 13th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I agree, Laurie, you definitely want to find someone who knows what they’re doing with hypnosis. I have found more that DON’T know than do, and I wish I had a referral for you. I’ll look out for someone…
On the topic of “hereditary” – something to consider would be this: Hereditary can mean both chemical AND behavioral. With depression and anxiety, I always like to look at what is a learned behavior. In my experience, this is a HUGE factor. Also, the more you “are depressed” the more depressed you are. And the more you “are anxious” the more anxious you are. It’s a vicious cycle that is hard to see and hard to get out of. I’m glad your therapy went well…. have you ever done Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? It works great with for thought / behavioral changes! Good luck, Laurie, and thanks for the comment!
July 7th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Hi Laurie,
although i might not understand your condition, but i’m curious if you considered the effects and impact of your diet? (i.e. your omega-3 to 6 ratio) and commonly encouraged low fat diet, which might be crippling the body of healthy fats for hormone production??
just a thought..
all the best to you! =)
July 8th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Thanks Luyi, I’ll check that out!
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