photo credit: h.koppdelaney
Each time I mention positive affirmation to my clients, my mind goes through the “Stuart Smalley” Saturday Night Live spoof. You know the one. Where Stuart (a.k.a., Al Franken) looks in a full-length mirror and proclaims, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”
And at the same time, I can see the look on my client’s faces, saying, “Seriously? That never works!”
Some clients have even recited the phrase to me in a mocking way.
OK, OK, I get it. Positive affirmations have gotten a bad wrap. (It’s gotten me one too!)
But there are times when we need SOMETHING to turn our negative ship around. When we have nothing else to grasp … except a positive phrase. One of those situations when you have to laugh just so you don’t break down in tears.
I had one such situation last night: my third night alone with twin toddlers while my husband was away on business. Lily had a painful ear infection that kept her in a constant state of crankiness and neediness. Ayla had a cold that had her coughing all night, unable to sleep. Any parent knows, it ain’t easy catering to a toddler’s every need, let alone when there are two of them and they whine for hours on end!
At 5 a.m., Lily stood up by her bed yelling, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”
Of course, this woke up her sister. So I had to rush in there, only to find Lily’s temperature shot up to 101 degrees and all she wanted is, well, her mommy.
Instead of bringing Lily to my bed, which never works out well, I settled down in her toddler bed to hold her until she calmed down. My legs were hunched up, my backside was freezing as it hung off the other side of the bed so as not to disrupt the comfort level of Lily, her baby doll, and her teddy bears.
While lying there, exhausted and ready to break into tears, I instead chose to use positive affirmations.
Yes, I use positive affirmations a lot. As I said, I think positive affirmations have gotten a bad wrap. When done properly, they CAN work. But many of us have been taught the Stuart Smalley rendition and just feel downright corny doing them.
So, instead of going the SNL route, here are my steps for saying positive affirmations that REALLY work:
1. Develop a positive mindset. In other words, make the choice to turn to the positive rather than the negative. Making this decision comes from the power you have in making your own choices. You always have the option to think negatively, but choose to think positively if you want to change your circumstances and feelings. Just remember me with Lily, when I decided not to cry or even think about the word “tired.”
2. Understand what a positive affirmation is, and what it isn’t. Positive self-talk is made up of short affirmations to yourself that help tell your subconscious mind what you really want to be thinking–instead of those negative thoughts it’s already got going. You are replacing negative words and thoughts with positive ones while telling your subconscious mind how you want it to behave.
It’s essential that your underlying messages about yourself and your worldview be positive in order to produce a positive outcome because your subconscious thoughts are at work even when you aren’t aware they are.
3. Know your feelings to gauge what you’re really thinking. Many of us will say, “I don’t think I have negative thoughts,” or “I don’t really even know what I’m thinking.” The reality is, you have about 60,000 thoughts per day, and 85% of those are subconscious. That means that you may not even be aware that a negative thought is working behind the scenes. They affect every action you take, I might add!
One great way to know there is a negative thought at play is to assess how you feel. I felt tired and drained with Lily at 5 in the morning. I heard myself say, “Not again! I can’t take this … I just need to get some sleep.” But I very quickly realized THAT thinking was going to get me nowhere fast and I needed to be in a better state to care for my daughter. My feelings told me I had better change my thoughts, and quick!
4. Be careful what you ask for. Let’s say you want to lose weight. So your standard self-talk is, “I want to lose weight. I want to be thin. I want to be healthy.” Sounds good, right? Except you’re just activating the “wanting” part of losing weight.
See, I believe our mind and the universe take a literal translation of what we say. In essence, when you say you want to lose weight but you aren’t, in fact, losing weight, you could you actually be experiencing “want to lose” as opposed to weight loss? That IS what you’re asking for after all.
5. Choose the words that will counterbalance your negative feelings. The idea with positive affirmations is to slowly but surely chip away at the negative messages in your subconscious. The messages like “I’m not good enough” and “People are going to think I’m weird” and “I don’t have what it takes to _____.”
If you FEEL negative, then you realize there’s a negative thought creating that emotion. Even if you can’t pinpoint that exact thought, you need to start your positive self-talk anyway. My self-talk with Lily went like this: I am healthy, happy, well, and full of gratitude. Repeating those words in my head over and over, I chose those words for me (but also for my daughter, hoping the positive energy would rub off on her). I chose the word “grateful” because I want to be reminded of how grateful I am to have my daughters, even when they are sick and crying.
6. Be consistent. Most experts say the first step is to become aware of what your negative thought is and then counter that with a positive thought immediately. Yes, that works and is a great practice. However, for every negative thought you become aware of, you can rest assured that the subconscious thoughts you aren’t aware of are in ABUNDANCE! Remember, you aren’t aware of 85% of your 60,000 thoughts per day.
So you have to work to counter the thoughts that are conscious AND subconscious. That is to say, you have to say affirmations again and again and again, all day, every day, to change that heavily engrained subconscious thought. And by “again and again,” I mean hundreds of times. I even tell my clients, “How about saying that 400 to 500 times a day.” They laugh every time. When I reply, “I’m totally serious!” they then say, “I will try.” Well, that’s all I ask.
But keep in mind (literally and figuratively!) there’s lots of work to get done here, and practice does change habits.
As any good 12-step program teaches, “It works if you work it, it doesn’t if you don’t.” Although you may feel downright foolish repeating your positive affirmation, decide which is greater: the negative feeling that is making you behave in ways you don’t like, or the silly feeling you get from repeating positive affirmations over and over?
Items for discussion:
- What do you think about positive affirmations?
- Do you use them, and if so, how?
- What do you think about using your positive affirmations 500 times per day? Can you see why that is so important?
- How will you now start to use your positive affirmations to benefit you more?
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December 24th, 2008 at 12:59 am
This is one of the best articles I’ve ever read on affirmations and I’ve been reading them for over 25 years! WELL DONE! REALLY WELL DONE!
Thank you!
Blessings of this Season of Miracles to you and your loved ones!
Stephanie Bell the Spirit Coach
http://PassionatelyPOSITIVE.com
December 24th, 2008 at 1:54 am
Excellent article, Jennifer! I run into the same problem when urging clients with a lot of negative self-talk to use affirmations. it only makes sense — positive self-talk to clear out the negative. I’d love to re-post this on my blog.
We’re talking all things romance at the “Dr. Romance” Blog.
December 24th, 2008 at 11:37 am
number #4 is the most important, I thought and told my self that I was going to start walking to work, my car broke down.
maybe get a copyrighter to right your affirmations for you. 
Nice perspective.
December 24th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Stephanie – thanks! As the Spirit Coach, that is a great compliment from you. =)
Tina – I’d love to have you run it. Thank you!
NuminousJourney – Yes, I believe #4 is the most important, too. It is important to really think about what you’re manifesting in your statements. A copyrighter is a great idea!
December 28th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
i love your blog and have it bookmarked!
December 28th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
This is a great article, and I can SO relate to what you’re saying about clients who say “no way is this going to work.” I have that issue with some of my clients, as well, and I often tell them that hey, I repeat positive affirmations, myself!
Sometimes, instead of using positive affirmations, I just bring my full presence to the emotion I’m feeling inside and allow myself to feel it. I learned that from Eckhart Tolle’s books, and that helps me sometimes.
In any case, thanks for your insights and for doing a wonderful job of explaining how affirmations can work.
Ellen
December 28th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
I believe this is easier when you understand what is going on, like with you getting up to help your girls. I think it is really difficult when you feel certain ways and you don’t understand them. Where did the feelings come from, why do you still have them etc.
December 28th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Laurie,
I so appreciate your candor and thoughts. What I find wonderful about change is the idea that while you make the choice and decision to think, feel, and do differently, you also make the decision to relinquish any longing to know “why” or “where do this come from?”
There are many that go to counseling with the single mission of finding out, “But WHY do I feel this way?” And sometimes I say, “What if you stop the search of “why”, and just relinquish the feeling instead?” For some, they simply CAN’T do that without figuring out their past – the “whys”. And unfortunately, I think traditional therapy has taught us that we have to dig deep to find out huge answers of our life. They may never come. (Hence, therapy can take years for some – but in my view, there’s no need for that.)
In our growth, I think it’s so helpful to realize that our choice to do and be differently may radically divert from traditional thought – which is to gain understanding as a FIRST step. HOWEVER, as you become more accepting of where you are now, (For example, thinking to yourself, “Huh, I wonder what’s going on with me today? I’m feeling quite edgy and irritable”) and without judgment, you miraculously start to a) feel MUCH better and b) start to have more understanding.
Choosing to change means accepting that understanding may not be your first course of action. Your FIRST course of action, is choice! =)
December 29th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Hi
Great article.
I agree that it is often difficult to explain affirmations and their benefits. They have “gotten a bad wrap” and to move people past that image often requires a great deal of convincing.
You’ve done a good job of expalining this.
Juliet
January 6th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Great article. I have had the experiences first hand of getting EXACTLY what I have asked for. Affirmations is a LAW that works. It is specific so I agree that our words need to be chosen ever so carefully. I have written briefly about affirmations in my latest work- Ticket to Freedom.
August 28th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Yes, I use positive affirmations a lot.
Thanks,
karim – Positive thinking